Dark night and ability to survive

[Galyna]

Guys, please help.

Lately I have been doing pretty bad. It feels as I hit the wall of my life. I have apathy and cannot construct meaning to move on in life as I used to.

I was hit by terrible depression. Sometime reality feels unbearable. I have zero energy to go and conquer the world. Everything is falling apart: personal life – will face divorce, most likely this year, education: no power or interest to work/continue my master’s, work: started a new job in a new company, have no clue if they keep me there for a long time.

Am I facing a dark night? I have so much fear, fear of unknown. Every achievement in life feels empty. I cannot enjoy things. Sometimes, I want to fall asleep and not face existence. I do not have anything to lean on, feeling very insecure. One day could cry from divine bliss, another day suicidal thoughts. One day awareness is so high, another day I turn into ignorant bitch, everything flies out the window, all my wisdom.

I cannot recognize myself anymore. My identity or illusion of it feels very strange. 

Guys, how did you keep your jobs during this period of your life. I have to support myself somehow financially, but I am not sure if I can concentrate on my job duties when falling apart like this. I have zero energy. Sometimes, it feels that I am falling into a dark whole of my life, to the lowest. 

 

 

[NoSelfSelf]

Thats exactly what a spirituality process looks like its nothing wrong its a struggle...and all that will pass at the end of the storm 

[Galyna]

5 minutes ago, NoSelfSelf said:

Thats exactly what a spirituality process looks like

how to survive during the storm to keep your mortgage and pay the bills?

[NoSelfSelf]

@Galyna im impressed with people who can do both like leo im not the guy to speak on that i just know thats a good sign you are making serious progress..

[lmfao]

@Galyna Idk what your situation is, but in regards to college, I ended up in a situation of banging my head against a wall trying to force myself to do university when I couldn't. Right now I've taken a year off interrupted studies. You're a doing a masters right? That means you've already got a bachelors? You're not in a terrible position there at least 

I don't know the specifics of your situation. Me personally, if I open my eyes, I feel quite lucky/fortunate with how things have gone. Things fell into place and there were lessons from things. I may be suicidal af or be disconnected from emotion, but I wouldn't have had things go any other way. They unfolded how they meant to I guess. 

Could just be because I was privileged and blessed but I think nature favours the bold so if you take a step off the cliff (spiritually) into the unknown, you'll be accommodated in some manner 

Edited January 6, 2022 by lmfao

[Galyna]

@NoSelfSelf Right, a good sign, LOL, I hope I will have a place to live.

 

[Galyna]

1 minute ago, lmfao said:

@Galyna Idk what your situation is, but in regards to college, I ended up in a situation of banging my head against a wall trying to force myself to do university when I couldn't. Right now I've taken a year off interrupted studies. You're a doing a masters right? That means you've already got a bachelors? You're not in a terrible position there at least 

I don't know the specifics of your situation. Me personally, if I open my eyes, I feel quite lucky/fortunate with how things have gone. Things fell into place and there were lessons from things. I may be suicidal af or be disconnected from emotion, but I wouldn't have had things go any other way. They unfolded how they meant to I guess. 

Thanks, college, yes, I am taking a break this semester. I do have two bachelors, but they do not cost a thing, I guess. 

Maybe the only meaning is to serve others, but I do not have a special degree to be in that situation and can only do office jobs, which is a bit depressive. 

Hard to live when your ego cannot invent a story for the future, and you realize that all your future is in your head, right at this second as a thought. 

 

[puporing]

Going through something very similar the last year and I had to take some time off - though my situation is luckier financially.

I took work that was mentally not demanding but maybe a bit more physically demanding so I can basically process things as I'm working (mail delivery for example). This was deliberate as I was really mentally not there or with society at large. Any kind of interaction with people in work situations was unbearable for an extended time. So in that case it made more sense to do something more mechanical.. I also started renting out rooms on Airbnb and that was manageable too as I'm just working for myself.

You could also try to get on some kind of disability, though that's often quite a loop to jump through.

 

[BlueOak]

Sounds like you feel uncertain or powerless and fear it. Insert whatever emotion is right below.

My first advice is being okay with the emotion the next time it comes up. For powerlessness this was very difficult for me and quite horrific to sit with at first, to embrace rather than resist what you are feeling. Really spend some time with this until you are not pulling away from it. Then when you have done that for a time, sat with it, said its okay, the world isn't ending, i'm okay. You can work out what do without the same level of fear, anxiety or panic driving you. You'll be grounded exactly where you are.

You are not alone. Much of the world is going through similar states. 
Internally: Take control of your thoughts or Allow feelings to come and be with them. Find out what those feelings/you need. 
External: Do what gives you joy. If nothing does. Try many things until you find one that gives you joy. Keep trying. 

Perhaps write a list of things you want to do in the this year, make a small, simple and easy plan. 
See if any of them can be done alongside or as part of a job. Work from there.

Definitely taking a break from your studies sounds like a good idea if you can. Give yourself some space to re-evaluate if its what you really want long term, or just a break to collect yourself and come back stronger.

Hope it helps.
 

[WelcometoReality]

8 hours ago, Galyna said:

how to survive during the storm to keep your mortgage and pay the bills?

Yeah the dark night is the hardest part of the process. What do you do when you lack the motivation to go to work? You do it anyway. Motivation is one of the first layers that dissolves but the emotional resistance to things are still there and when that starts to dissolve life will get easier.

[evelyn111]

@Galyna wow, it's almost like I wrote it. Very similar situation I find myself being in. 

Did you manage to move on somehow?

[sleep]

as someone who has lived in what you're describing for years now, have a minimum standard that you think you can consistently achieve and do that. For example if you don't have enough motivation to work out, just focus on doing 2 minutes, but be sure to at least exercise for 2 minutes. With time it becomes easier to do more. Also don't underestimate the value of talking to a psychologist or psychiatrist, they're trained to handle these types of situations so they can offer personalized advice that people that don't know you can't give you. 

Also I find the thought "there is nothing to achieve" calming. 

[mrPixel]

@Galyna 

f you are in dark night you will feel manic one moment and depressed the next. These oscillations can be scary and confusing.

You are starting to realize that you have no solid ground. Nothing is certain, all of life is unsatisfactory, and nothing lasts.

Dark night is about acceptance. You will have to accept yourself as you are and embrace all of life's challenges.

Meditate and learn to breathe properly, the breath will soothe the mind and make this process much easier.

If you can afford a therapist get one. They can help a lot with this particular stage.

Take care of your life and your health. Don't throw it all away.

All is well.

Edited January 23, 2022 by mrPixel

[roopepa]

Each thought, each narrative, each story, each deduction, however logical or true it may seem, can be cut short and returned to the silence and spaciousness of direct experience.

One breath at a time. One better thought at a time.

[Kundalini Cataclysm]

@Galyna I have (and still am) experiencing similar things. Here's what has helped me:

Suicidal thoughts and impulses are apparently entirely normal during this kind of unfolding. It is a suicide, in a way, but it has nothing to do with the body. The body is fine 99,9% of the time. You are okay 99,9% of the time, even if it doesn't feel that way. There's a difference between feeling okay and being okay. There's no need to "do anything about" suicidal thoughts and impulses, just watch them arise and disappear, they are always temporary, even if they come and go.

Try to muster the courage to do basic things, even in the face of great fear. I don't necessarily mean "carry with on everything you used to do", I dropped my studies as well, but still go for walks, go to the store etc. if you can. You'll learn that even when you feel like you're deep, deeep in it, the basic bodily functions still work just fine. Breathe deeply and deliberately.
 

Read some about Dark Night Phenomena in Daniel Ingram's book "Mastering The Core Teachings Of The Buddha". You can read it for free online here: https://www.mctb.org/

Talk to people (as you already do). Find a community where you can talk to others in real time. There are some great folks here, for example @Nahm or @BipolarGrowth. This can be very valuable.

That's all I remember right now, you can also shoot me a pm and we can talk more specifically.

I hope some of this helps!

 

 

Edited January 23, 2022 by Kundalini Cataclysm

[Nahm]

On 1/6/2022 at 5:40 PM, Galyna said:

Guys, please help.

Lately I have been doing pretty bad. It feels as I hit the wall of my life. I have apathy and cannot construct meaning to move on in life as I used to.

I was hit by terrible depression. Sometime reality feels unbearable. I have zero energy to go and conquer the world. Everything is falling apart: personal life – will face divorce, most likely this year, education: no power or interest to work/continue my master’s, work: started a new job in a new company, have no clue if they keep me there for a long time.

Am I facing a dark night? I have so much fear, fear of unknown. Every achievement in life feels empty. I cannot enjoy things. Sometimes, I want to fall asleep and not face existence. I do not have anything to lean on, feeling very insecure. One day could cry from divine bliss, another day suicidal thoughts. One day awareness is so high, another day I turn into ignorant bitch, everything flies out the window, all my wisdom.

I cannot recognize myself anymore. My identity or illusion of it feels very strange. 

Guys, how did you keep your jobs during this period of your life. I have to support myself somehow financially, but I am not sure if I can concentrate on my job duties when falling apart like this. I have zero energy. Sometimes, it feels that I am falling into a dark whole of my life, to the lowest. 

 

 

I’d read every single sentence and then inquire, who am I actually talking about…? 

Then I’d consider, what am I really talking about…? ?

Not so much for now, but going forward, don’t underestimate daily meditation, the dreamboard, and emotional scale. 

? 

[BipolarGrowth]

This most certainly sounds like a dark night. Daniel Ingram, the writer of Mastering the Core Teachings of the Buddha, recommends doing your best to continue practicing meditation (if that’s the type of practice you do) to continue the progress of insight cycle which will move you out of the dark night. 
 

I personally recommend seriously considering talking to a psychiatrist about an antidepressant. If SSRIs don’t work for you, ask them about an NDRI. 

Edited January 23, 2022 by BipolarGrowth

[puporing]

43 minutes ago, BipolarGrowth said:

This most certainly sounds like a dark night. Daniel Ingram, the writer of Mastering the Core Teachings of the Buddha, recommends doing your best to continue practicing meditation (if that’s the type of practice you do) to continue the progress of insight cycle which will move you out of the dark night. 

I second that Moved out of mine to a large degree now with more focused meditations in the float chambers.. lawl. And a lot of sleep...

Edited January 23, 2022 by puporing