Psychoterapy Changed My Life

[LeoX8]

I had wrote a lot about my problems on this forum so I thought that it will be a cool idea to share my experiences that made me overcome those problems.

For a long time my only desire was to die brutally and escape this life. The thought of killing myself begun 3 years ago: I had a physical fight with a new classmate in gym class, we where only pushing ourselfs like most dumb teenagers do and I was ok with that, but he wasn't. He stated clearly that I have hurted him and when I asked him to forgive me after all of that he didn't do it. He also changed desk in other classes to not stay near me  stopped talking to me.

I felt like a monster, an unforgivable ugly creature. I started to find other ways in which I was not "a good boy" and basically started not feeling enough for this world. When I came home after school I used to change my clothes, sit on my desk and just cry. It was hell and the only way to escape that I've found was to kill myself.

After a while had an undescribable expirience in which at the peak of my suffering I realized that "I don't want to suffer anymore" was equal to "I want to be happy". This changed my life as I begun to take responsability for my life and myself in general. It was in this period that I started personal development and began to watch Leo's videos. I was obsessed with it, and the thought that ran me was "If I am not enough, I can become enough with personal development". And so I did basically: I changed myself completely from a skinny shy boy to a funny, smart and charismatic guy. My grades at school were growing, I had found a girlfriend, I started a little online side-hustle, reading books, cold showers, meditating, exercising, ecc... 

Until this summer things became too much: the "I can be enough" was never coming to an end but growing into larger and larger goals until they started to became impossible. Again, I took responsability for not reaching those goals (I did not realize that the problems were caused by the goals themselfs), and started tonot feel enough for this world again, but this time much more stronger.

One day I went to a soy camp in the nowhere with a knife. "If nobody will answer this suicide hotline I'll do it". I called two times and no one answered. I started to laugh, then I cried, a lot and finally I went home, more broken than ever. 

My girlfriend was always there to help me but never made a real difference until I talked to a friend of mine: we were walking, I feld at peace with him, and I told him about the fact that I wanted to kill myself. He did not judge me, he only said that he would have missed me if I commited suicide. Later he talked about psychoterapy and how this Ms. Psycologist helped him out a lot. I thanked him but I did not intend to go to therapy.

A few days later I argued with my girlfriend about some silly stuff but it had a huge impact on me. I wanted to die so bad but I found the strenght to at least watch some videos on youtube of other stories of other people and how, in the end, psycotherapy changed thair life. So out of despair I called my friend and asked him the numer of the psychologist, took an appointment and explained to my dad why I was going there (I lied to him about the real reason).

At the beginning I did not like psychotherapy because it forced me to talk about my problems (not so cool) but as soon as I started to talk about my childhood things begun to make a lot of sense. I realized that proving to be enough started with the fear of being abandoned by my parents, especially my mom. Even when my mom came home from work tired and did not celebrate with me my good grades I took responsability for her mood: "It's my fault if she feels this way, the grade that I took was not high enough". This started to apply to everything and if I needed some help with something my dad was pushing early  in my life towards my indipendence (shitty combo). Even if those thing seem small, they have builtd up over time and when 3 years ago I argued with my friend the fact that he did not forgive me was a realization like: "Not only I'm not eough for my mom, now even for the world". 

Seeing how each and every single piece worked together in the big picture was huge: I had this experience of literally "zooming out" of what was happening and seeing it more rationally. Just from this experience I had a huge relief and life begun to feel more easy and peaceful. But things got even better.

On the 4th appointment Ms. Psychologist asked me "What can make things even better?", "To finally let go of all this guilt and suffering" I said. Then she ipnotized me. In that experience all made sense, I felt like I had liberated a deep part of me. I realized how I have always been perfect as I am. I felt so much love for myself and for my life. I was left with so much peace and compassion for me, my parents...everybody!! Life was worth living just for that moment.

After that my pessimistic view gone pretty much away, I see things in their context now. I find it very difficult to get offended and I don't need to stress so much about my results in general. Counterintuitevely I had found that when I let go of wanting something my way and just forget about it, I end up getting the thing I wanted!! I had also moments of total peace and immersion in the present moment and in that place joy comes naturally.

I can't be more grateful for my life now than ever. If you are thinking about killing yourself going to therapy will help you for sure. There is a solution and you don't have to solve your problems alone.

I also want to thank @Leo Gura, without him I would have not be open ehough to this possibility and also I would have not took responsability for my life. Your videos did change my life and continue to do so. I hope that I'll made you a little proud of your followers <3.

 

 

I know this is a long post but I think it can help some of you on this forum.

 

Hope that this has helped <3

 

 

[Bojan V]

This is such a wonderful testimony of your life and its struggles! Thank you for sharing it with us and i'm so happy for you!

Bravo??...

[Human Mint]

Thanks for sharing

[Javfly33]

Thanks for sharing, I´m happy for you.

I can relate, but in my experience psychotherapy is not working so well for me, can I DM for a short question?

[Lyubov]

Really happy you have had this experience. Therapy greatly changed my life as well

[LeoX8]

@Javfly33 of course man, feel free to dm me

@Bojan V @Lyubov @Human Mint thanks for the support ??