Feeling embarrassed

[B_HAZ]

Yesterday I had a conversation with a completely random person because I'm trying to improve my social skills and I tried to sound very compassionate and charismatic person but I ended up embarrassing myself we talked a lot about different things but every time she was asking me a question I answered her with another question but then she noticed and told me that I do this because I want to protect myself which is so true but I felt embarrassed that she saw that I avoid being vulnerable and I use “being compassionate and charismatic person” and turn\make the conversation about\around the other person as an excuse to not make myself vulnerable I felt embarrassed because it shows how insecure I'm. I feel I’m really weak for avoiding being vulnerable and being truly myself I always put on this fake front. Not only with random people but even with my closest friends and family basically everybody. Can you guys imagine that since I was a child nobody ever knew the real me even my parents I was a quite kid I never talked about myself like never I always try to take control and turn the conversation around the other person avoid reveal anything about the real me I know the root cause of this but yesterday it hit me hard because it’s the first time someone notices this I feel sad you guys because I was playing this game for my whole life

I want to stop being this dysfunctional version of me it prevented me from experiencing a lot of joy in life I feel I don't exist because no body ever saw me I'm always hiding

 

I feel extremely tired and drained. Life is exhausting I want to cry then sleep for hours to escape this deep suffering

[happyhappy]

1 hour ago, B_HAZ said:

Yesterday I had a conversation with a completely random person because I'm trying to improve my social skills and I tried to sound very compassionate and charismatic person but I ended up embarrassing myself we talked a lot about different things but every time she was asking me a question I answered her with another question but then she noticed and told me that I do this because I want to protect myself which is so true but I felt embarrassed that she saw that I avoid being vulnerable and I use “being compassionate and charismatic person” and turn\make the conversation about\around the other person as an excuse to not make myself vulnerable I felt embarrassed because it shows how insecure I'm. I feel I’m really weak for avoiding being vulnerable and being truly myself I always put on this fake front. Not only with random people but even with my closest friends and family basically everybody. Can you guys imagine that since I was a child nobody ever knew the real me even my parents I was a quite kid I never talked about myself like never I always try to take control and turn the conversation around the other person avoid reveal anything about the real me I know the root cause of this but yesterday it hit me hard because it’s the first time someone notices this I feel sad you guys because I was playing this game for my whole life

I want to stop being this dysfunctional version of me it prevented me from experiencing a lot of joy in life I feel I don't exist because no body ever saw me I'm always hiding

 

I feel extremely tired and drained. Life is exhausting I want to cry then sleep for hours to escape this deep suffering

umm...I myself have been an introvert for most of my life sooo, exposure to society is a lil bit uncomfortable. in ur case it is really normal for ya to feel that way since these probs cannot be solved overnight.

even if that scares u or makes u uncomfortable, keep doing what u r doing. keep talking to strangers. overtime, u will get ur result!

[Cathal]

it's good your noticing this now.

it's good you're seeing how full of shit you are, how you manipulate people and so on

even look at it very logically - you are showcasing to other people a person who is not truly you. you are hoping they like this person you are pretending to be on the belief system that will finally satisfy the need to feel fulfilled and accepted - BUT IT NEVER WORKS. why? because only being accepted uncondtionally as the AUTHENTIC YOU will you actually feel that acceptance and security, that freedom to never have to hesistate and fully be you. because that is truly what you want here,

but why is it so hard? like you already pointed out, vunerability. there is just a fear with an underlying belief system that you will once again experience that same hurt you did in the past that caused you to hide yourself. to be ashamed of yourself. to hate yourself, to feel unworthy, not worth love, not worth a good life

but you want a good life, a life of joy. therefore the only sense of this you can make is BE AUTHENTIC. ALWAYS. FOREVER. THAT is all you can do. and realize there is literally nothing you other than yourself y ou can be, you have nothing to give anyone.  you cannot be more than what you are and that has been and always was the case, but now the beliefs that you lack something or you need to be better or have more things caused you all this desire fueled by the feeling of lack.

radical acceptance, fully surrender to your vunerability, allowing yourself to be vunerable and open and be understanding.

you will transform, you will find  stability and groundedness, a beautiful masculinity and feminity in your presence. only if you allow it, because it is always present and never has to be saught after

[mememe]

@B_HAZ first of all, thank you for opening up in this anonymous setting. its amazing that you actually did the first step opening up.

finding out about major personality dimensions or hidden aspects of the self is exhausting - so the feeling is quite normal.

after resting and maybe really sleeping a bit you take the next steps in self discovery. its actually good that you found out, don’t you think? whatever you protect you can work on getting more self confident there now.

you said you talked to a random girl, so the embarrassment where does it come from? if you feel more secure about an anonymous setting you could try a therapy for selfexploration, the therapist in a lot of cases feels more distant than friends. or you make a plan about disclosing sth from you every day to one of your friends, family and have a look how that feels. the positive part is, you can choose how much or when you open up to people yourself.

[happyhappy]

1 hour ago, B_HAZ said:

Yesterday I had a conversation with a completely random person because I'm trying to improve my social skills and I tried to sound very compassionate and charismatic person but I ended up embarrassing myself we talked a lot about different things but every time she was asking me a question I answered her with another question but then she noticed and told me that I do this because I want to protect myself which is so true but I felt embarrassed that she saw that I avoid being vulnerable and I use “being compassionate and charismatic person” and turn\make the conversation about\around the other person as an excuse to not make myself vulnerable I felt embarrassed because it shows how insecure I'm. I feel I’m really weak for avoiding being vulnerable and being truly myself I always put on this fake front. Not only with random people but even with my closest friends and family basically everybody. Can you guys imagine that since I was a child nobody ever knew the real me even my parents I was a quite kid I never talked about myself like never I always try to take control and turn the conversation around the other person avoid reveal anything about the real me I know the root cause of this but yesterday it hit me hard because it’s the first time someone notices this I feel sad you guys because I was playing this game for my whole life

I want to stop being this dysfunctional version of me it prevented me from experiencing a lot of joy in life I feel I don't exist because no body ever saw me I'm always hiding

 

I feel extremely tired and drained. Life is exhausting I want to cry then sleep for hours to escape this deep suffering

umm...I myself have been an introvert for most of my life sooo, exposure to society is a lil bit uncomfortable. in ur case it is really normal for ya to feel that way since these probs cannot be solved overnight.

even if that scares u or makes u uncomfortable, keep doing what u r doing. keep talking to strangers. overtime, u will get ur result!

[JonasVE12]

You have toxic shame and all of your life is just acting out the shame into different forms such as hiding, manipulation, shyness, introversion, embarrassment, avoidance, all of which you show many signs of. Healing the shame that binds you by John bradshaw is a good book for you to read.

The most important practice to get rid of this shame is to become aware of where all of this shame is manifesting. Where are you hiding? Become aware in the moment when you do so, when you get triggered. And also analyse your life from a bigger perspective. Maybe there is some things you want to do but currently feel too much resistance to actually do those things. This can be anything. Analyse your desires and why currently this is not being fulfilled. Is there any avoidance? 

You need to slowly reveal your shame in different situations and practice opening up. Of course all your stories and negative emotions are gonna rise to the surface, and you can either run away which most people do. This is actually what shame wants you to do. It wants to keep hidden. Or you can face those emotions and release them through the body. When they come up, you let them be there and practice becoming non reactive to them. You practice acceptance of the sensations in your body. This is what releases them. If you do this on a daily basis and structure your life around constantly stepping into the things you resist, you will grow out of this very rapidly. Find your triggers, and go towards them instead of running the other way and accept everything. This is what 'letting go by David hawkins' is about. 

You basically want to transform emotions of shame into fear, and then into courage and then into acceptance. 

For example, you mentioned trying to improve social skills. Lets say you have shame around being expressive and being seen by people. To release shame around this, you go face it. You step right into it. So in practice, you go to toastmasters which is a community that meets face to face for improving public speaking skills and you go do a presentation in front of all the people there. On your way you will experience a lot of fear, and have a lot of negative thoughts which will say all sorts of things. Important thing is to be non reactive to them and practice acceptance through the body. In the end, you do the presentation and while you do so, you ground yourself. All of the sensations of shame and fear will be in your body. How the presentation goes does not matter. What matters is your awareness of your body and how you are handling the tension in it. Grounding, opening, expansion or escaping and closing down? 

You need to repeat this proces in every area you feel stuck and shameful. It can be any situation such as talking about yourself in 1 to 1 conversations. 

To summarise, the most important things are 

1- Become conscious of your coping mechanisms: Where are you hiding and avoiding?

2- Go face it, put your body and mind into the situations

3- Practice releasing the emotions through body awareness, feeling, acceptance, letting go

4- Repeat for years, make it a structure

Of course there is a lot more nuance to this proces and going into detail would require writing a whole book. Working with people who understand this issue and the correct proces to overcome this is the way to go imo. You need a very individualized approach. Reading the books mentioned is a good start as well as doing the practices. 

 

[Breakingthewall]

@JonasVE12 very good answer, you look like a professional, psychologist maybe? although most psychologists do not understand things in a deep way. I have struggled with shame, I know where it comes from but it is a difficult virus to eliminate. I've apparently removed it completely, but I always find a tendency to hide things. I fight against it and am a kind of truth taliban, because I know the price of falsehood. usually this kind of attitude is a gift from your parents

[JonasVE12]

23 minutes ago, Breakingthewall said:

I've apparently removed it completely, but I always find a tendency to hide things. I fight against it and am a kind of truth taliban, because I know the price of falsehood. usually this kind of attitude is a gift from your parents

Happy for you that you healed it for the most part. Good that you fight against your tendency to hide. Never let it win. You have full control. The more you open yourself up in truth and find non-attachment / acceptance, the more you release it permanently. It is a proces of rewiring your nervous system / energetic system until the tendency is gone. 

I also hide things sometimes because of logical reasoning. It does not come from shame. It's important to understand the difference and if you notice that the hiding event is shame based, then you can apply the releasing proces to it until this is gone too. You want to be unattached in how you express.

on the other hand, practicing embodied spirituality is very nice to fixing this. In the end, you are infinite. Knowing that intellectually is one thing, going on the street naked in busy streets while not caring is another thing. Nothing matters. Your idea of you and other people is mind. transcendence of the mind and embodiment of it in your being will eliminate the shame as well because you are not attached anymore. The only reason shame exists is because the person is attached to their mind. 

23 minutes ago, Breakingthewall said:

@JonasVE12 very good answer, you look like a professional, psychologist maybe? although most psychologists do not understand things in a deep way. I have struggled with shame, I know where it comes from but it is a difficult virus to eliminate.

It's a synthesis from a lot of personal experience and from working with many wise teachers who overcame this issue permanently. Yes, it is a virus that seems impossible to eradicate when you are in the midst of it. While when you start to gain consciousness and understanding of how it manifests as a system, you can start to see the light at the end of tunnel. The why is important, but it also is a part of analyzation, which can be a form of avoidance in itself in a shame based person. Which is seen through understanding it systematically. And then you move through that. It does not really matter in the end what the origin is of the shame. Knowing the mechanisms of healing is what is essential Ime. Analyzing the issue and healing the issue happen in very different states of consciousness. But they are very interconnected and both essential to understand though. 

[Javfly33]

An easy to stop feeling shame, just brutally Love yourself as you can each second.

Not intellectually, but actually. Now! When you are with whoever you think "triggers" your shame.

Ha! It´s you who is hating yourself.

Turn up the Love valve

Shame can´t survive in Love ?

[hyruga]

You are in a state of shame. Now you need to move to the stage of fear and anger. Just move forward.

So what do I mean by fear? Focus on the fear of not having a friend in her, the fear of not being able to meet your rents etc. These will propel you to act. Imagine if you stop talking to her and lost her as a friend, it will be much worse.

Next focus on the anger! 

Being angry means you know that your boundaries are triggered. You know that your results have been poor and you must act better. Being angry and voicing them out also heals any stuffed up traumas that could potentially be inside you. Being angry can inspire you to work harder and put in better work.

 

[NoSelfSelf]

@catcat69123 amazing post ??

Fake front is creation of false self to become liked by others while authentic self=something bad will happen,they wont accept and like you why do you need to be liked? @B_HAZ authentic self dont need to be approved because thats your reward being yourself

[HypnoticMagician]

I am never embarrassed for hiding true or old me. If you have an intention like enslaving a vanilla girl, you'll start friendly, introduce BDSM as a game, and then slowly increasing the domination more and more until the coal transforms into diamond. What are you trying to hide? If it is a past you, past is past. If it is not something you haven't become yet, there is nothing wrong with the logic of "fake it till make it". So long as you keep a certain mindset you think works in your mind and applying force towards this new person you intend to become, you'll end up becoming that thing. As for making yourself vulnerable, I don't see any problem with standing up for myself regardless of how others perceive me. Even if that person is a woman. Feeling shame means you feel like there is something wrong with you. It is related to the first interpretation of yours of the event. It is usually your first experience that people condemn so you interpret this first experience negatively. Since I was good person almost all the time, me suffering a lot make me be ashamed of being good person. I felt like a meek person. That's the reason it is harder for me to feel any guilt or shame when I abuse a woman for fun or for pragmatic reasons since I associated women with evil due my old femdom fantasies. No matter how much I intellectually understood not all women are like that, I became addicted to being abusive to women while masturbating to the opposite of the same situation : maledom. Being vulnerable means being meek to me so I don't buy it. Of course, don't become too toxic if that's your case. Most probably not. Most probably, you associated being a little evil with pure evil. Maybe, that's the root of your embarrassment. Because I don't know you much, the only thing I can do, is to speculate about you. It is more likely that you are normal, dominant man who know only to fuck traditionally. Not like me.