Help guide me please.

[KoryKat]

Hello everybody, I especially love this community and what it stands for, who we are.

 

On that note , who am I? 

Let's jump into the weird:   I am a freak on a leash.

A puppet to a shadow. 

The shadow being my ego of course.

And whatever I am, I am A LOTTTTTTT of it. And it's kinda freaky.

 

Briefly real talk:

Hi , I'm Kory , I live in my van last my months around Texas. I'm 33 , madly philosophical , and I've driven everyone out of my life, and it's been a struggle to not numb my mind on League of Legends and weed while off/on following this stuff for years. I was totally in the underground cult-like dating/pick-up scene dropping out of Computer Science college degree to go alllll the wayyyyyyy down the rabbit..fkin. hole.

 

 

 

These 2 lines from Rudyard Kipling's "If" poem (beautiful btw) really get me.

"If you can bear to hear the truth you’ve spoken

    Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools"

 

It's like the truth has become the reason I hate people. My therapist is as con-fucking-fused as everybody else. I even got a really qualfied one this time... *Sigh*

 

It's because I use a lot of next-level consciousness language in my opinion , and stuff from Leo got me so far "say bro, what if everything is a mind game ,and everything is consciousness..." 

Yeahhhh no, nobody understands it.

 

Here I am, Leo and Tom Bilyeu are my two favs , looking into finding a sense of Maslow's "Belonging" , because it's like I am this monster, an enigma, a freak of nature, and now I've tested it...this is not something a therapist or mental health professional can help me with , truly...

 

I do not belong with the drones of society and I've exhausted every last fiber of my being trying to prove myself wrong. 

 

What now ????

 

[Gili Trawangan]

6 minutes ago, KoryKat said:

It's like the truth has become the reason I hate people.

This is impossible...

The truth is that there are no people and all is God's will. This is in the absolute domain.

And even if you want to talk about the relative domain and admit the existence of people and things, then every single one of us is entirely innocent and lovable. There is no evil, and therefore no reason to hate anyone.

I would continue the search for Truth if I were you, and don't stop until you see the perfection that reality is.

Good luck.

[KoryKat]

I responded hastily while being tired. Editing out.

Edited January 6, 2022 by KoryKat

[KoryKat]

I will think it over. Thanks.

The absolute domain is nice. It's one I've found quite helpful.

I just know the reality is my being , form energy body, is emotional , and it gets unhealthy sickness due to isolation... Absolute domain has not been a liberating force from the sickness of isolation of our soul-expression-uniqueness

Edited January 6, 2022 by KoryKat

[happyhappy]

@KoryKat yo kory! welcome to the forum bro!

taking the red pill is a difficult choice and lol, u might wish u had been unconscious after all like most people. not to discourage ya in anyway ,but u must  kw the truth cannot be unseen once seen. like cypher. so better be prepared huh
 

and plus, wish all the great stuff! 

Quote

I will think it over. Thanks.

The absolute domain is nice. It's one I've found quite helpful.

I just know the reality is my being , form energy body, is emotional , and it gets unhealthy sickness due to isolation... Absolute domain has not been a liberating force from the sickness of isolation of our soul-expression-uniqueness

i guess u made the right choice! and beware of the spiritual traps as well. anyways, it was great to have ya here!

much love!?

Edited January 6, 2022 by happyhappy

[flume]

Welcome to the forum

Good observation. You can't skip your way to "the absolute". Can't "skip" emotions like overwhelm, loneliness... The journey is not "going beyond" these feelings and "crazy thoughts", but actually going into them. Expressing. Releasing. 

It all starts with feeling your body and being connected to it while speaking.

Then all of this suddenly feels a lot less overwhelming and you'll realise that emotions & thoughts come one at a time; and they want to be released one at a time. No airy-fairy stuff, just raw thoughts and feelings. If you commit to that, only clarity remains.

Have you ever practiced (or heard of) Radical Honesty? That's where I learned that. 

Of course, shadow work is essential. Is your therapist helping you with integrating your past? Actually? Or just talking about it?

[Gesundheit2]

What guided you out of college and into the rabbit hole? Let that guide you again.

[hyruga]

Engage with people again. 

[itachi uchiha]

can u be more specific about what is your problem

 

[Leo Gura]

4 hours ago, itachi uchiha said:

can u be more specific about what is your problem

This.

[mememe]

On 6.1.2022 at 9:20 AM, KoryKat said:

"say bro, what if everything is a mind game ,and everything is consciousness..." 

and what if most people understand it to a point but not let themselves be hung up on it?

do you have an answer for every question or a question for every question?

get clean of your addictions, focus on survival - you already reached that point where it’s automatically getting difficult, it does not mean you have to lack on any other aspects of your life. you can live in a van and go to college or learn a more practical craft but you will have to work parttime probably without other income. 

you yourself already scream at yourself to wake up and get yourself together. in some sense you are in a better position than some people who are only metaphorically close to stage beige and not physically. your choices are already limited. you will not prove anything to anyone if you go on denying the existence of society.

there is also the possibility to start to help others get out of addictions and develop a practical program to get real, but you need to get your shit together for stuff like that. if you are an enigma then use it wisely.

Edited January 7, 2022 by mememe

[KoryKat]

On 1/6/2022 at 2:10 PM, flume said:

Welcome to the forum

Good observation. You can't skip your way to "the absolute". Can't "skip" emotions like overwhelm, loneliness... The journey is not "going beyond" these feelings and "crazy thoughts", but actually going into them. Expressing. Releasing. 

It all starts with feeling your body and being connected to it while speaking.

Then all of this suddenly feels a lot less overwhelming and you'll realise that emotions & thoughts come one at a time; and they want to be released one at a time. No airy-fairy stuff, just raw thoughts and feelings. If you commit to that, only clarity remains.

Have you ever practiced (or heard of) Radical Honesty? That's where I learned that. 

Of course, shadow work is essential. Is your therapist helping you with integrating your past? Actually? Or just talking about it?

@flume 

 

Radical Honesty has been on my list to read. 

quit therapy , they just want me to talk to them and it's really not self-actualizing directly.

When you say releasing *one at a time* you mean like a single thread of thought processed in my mind, and processing emotions , just individually mindfully?  What about true/ultimate self-alignment?     I guess it's all separated out like Lego blocks to function as needed?

[KoryKat]

@Gesundheit2 my original curiosity was women/dating , and I have been looking to more self-related manners directly instead (getting my life straight before chasing women)

 

But having sex with women got me high on life in a way that I was all about it... But now it's like an uphill battle trying to do this by myself, because it has been hard to go back to my past ways

[KoryKat]

My main problem now isnt that I'm homeless in my van unemployed and not looking for work... It's ultimately my lack of being able to connect like eye-contact.

 

It's this dreadfully agonizing fear and pain of an explosion of panic when I interact with people. I've slowly whittled my life to *literally* ZERO people I talk to,

 

Everytime I work somewhere, I peace out in 3-6 months as the people wear on me.   I can't stand most people. I can't call my family and ask for help because I'm so stuck on my high horse or something. 

Ive had this chronic misunderstood-swan syndrome (being a swan among ducks and being excluded)  it's like I've always been exceptional and when people compliment me and personally relate with me, my performance can be extremely good... But when I feel there is no hope of fitting into anywhere, I just dunno why I bother.

 

I'm hopeless. Out of the 3 motivations Power/Achievement/Affiliation , I was driven for power to help others , but now I believe I'm so strange after countless negative experiences with people. I always wanted to be the peoples' champion, but now I am emotionally affected like unwelcomed.

 

I really need to find community and connect with people in a way I can be like a "peoples champion", but I've gotten so bad now that I'm totally and completely alone now, rotting away in my van.

 

The problem is the negative feeling I get interacting with people ... And that that is my strength (social) and it's become my weakness now, due to a lot of negative trauma added up. 

 

Thanks, bit confusing, but the 'social panic-fear' is where it seems sourced.

-Kory

Edited January 13, 2022 by KoryKat

[KoryKat]

Also I created a internal split... Indulging in old habits.

I kept quietening the voice telling me to do what I should do, now I'm suffering some subconscious permeation of despair...   It's like I can feel I need to like "snap out of it" but it's become so heavy than I can't.

 

And and also also: I've been suicidal since November and can't talk about it with anybody. It's like standard practice that everyone tries to put me in rehab like in a straight jacket or something...  I just need the *affect* of love. I'm not going to kill myself, but I've been envisioning it for last 80 days or so. 

 

Edited January 13, 2022 by KoryKat