Who Wants Marriage?

[Abdelghafar]

What are your thoughts on this matter, @Leo Gura?

[Loba]

Marriage isn't my cup of tea.

[JosephKnecht]

If you define marriage as signing a contract with the state, definitely not. 

If you define marriage as a loving union with the Other, definitively maybe.  

[Lyubov]

I do. I can foresee it in my future. I know when I get older my desire for sex with different women will slow down. I'll be much more open to ending the chapter of playing the field. Most guys I've seen who aren't married by their 40s usually have peter pan vibes going on with them or are married to their career. I am fine spending my 30s dating and getting experience and putting lots of good miles on my dick. Make him one of those nice classic cars.  

Edited January 7, 2022 by Lyubov

[Raptorsin7]

17 hours ago, Random witch said:

This is a fantasy in my eyes because there's no person that can meet all our needs, all time, for a lifetime, someone who will be in love with us and always attracted to us and never be attracted to someone else except us. This is a toxic idea and a very egoic one, From my egoic perspective as an introvert it's a great deal and very comfortable, to get a friend, a lover, a mother and father, and a therapist in one person. But it's unreal.

Hmm. You don't need all your needs filled by one person to have a meaningful long term relationship though, right?

Maybe sexual needs, intimate needs, companionship needs, bonding needs are met by primarily by one person, but there are still other relationships in your life where you get parts of those needs met, or other needs entirely.

I think committing would require some sacrifice, but there would always be benefits. But you could also have a marriage, where you are open to other types of connections. So maybe you wouldn't limit your sexual, emotional, etc connections to just one person.

What do you think about marriage in the context of raising a family? Wouldn't it be ideal to have two partners committed to each other if they want to have children?

17 hours ago, Random witch said:

No. Do you?

Yeah I think so. But I don't know for certain, it's just an intuitive sense.

I see the desire for sex and emotional intimacy as a need. So once that's met, there are other things to focus on.

I have so much in life I want to see and do, and a relationship is only one part of that.

17 hours ago, Random witch said:

It's already the case I guess, it's already constructed that way because of the narrow beauty standards and all the modern expectations people have of each other. The idea that only one person fits you is the idea that creates an unequal distribution of desirability because you're allowed to choose only one person and when you're allowed to choose only one you'll try to choose the best you can find, but what happens when you're allowed and encouraged to choose more than one? I think that you don't mind lowing your standards as long as you enjoy the people you're involved with.

Hmm that's a good point. I agree that beauty standards need to become more inclusive and holistic, I think that would help a lot with healing relationship issues.

I'm open minded to different possibilities though. I like the idea of long term monogamy, but maybe you're right and it's just a fantasy. If that's the case i'll adapt and pursue whatever a conscious relationship like looks like

[Random witch]

4 hours ago, Raptorsin7 said:

Hmm. You don't need all your needs filled by one person to have a meaningful long term relationship though, right?

Maybe sexual needs, intimate needs, companionship needs, bonding needs are met by primarily by one person, but there are still other relationships in your life where you get parts of those needs met, or other needs entirely.

Yes, it's more realistic to have a relationship with a partner who meets some of my needs rather than all of them but also it's important to understand that our needs won't be the same as they were when we met. if one of your most important partner's needs change because of something that happens in her life and you can't meet this need and vice versa it would be hard to maintain the relationship. This is why the idea of a long-term marriage is absurd. People change, their needs change, life circumstances change.

4 hours ago, Raptorsin7 said:

But you could also have a marriage, where you are open to other types of connections. So maybe you wouldn't limit your sexual, emotional, etc connections to just one person.

I can do whatever fits my life and situation. Now I'm pretty wounded inside so it might take time for me to heal and feel romantic feelings again. I don't know what will happen in the future and I don't believe in planning stuff like marriage and family because those are all vague ideas and concepts. 

Generally, I don't see a reason to get officially married or sign some forms, I think that people should choose their loved one or loved ones every day with a clear mind and not feel obligated to stay with their partner/s only because they sign some forms and say some sweet words when they got married. 

4 hours ago, Raptorsin7 said:

Yeah I think so. But I don't know for certain, it's just an intuitive sense.

I see. I think that not everyone can find someone to be in a long-term relationship, especially a healthy relationship, there are lots of people who are unconscious and unaware of themself, traumatized and immature, it might be much harder for them and as they get older it near to impossible. But those are only assumptions.

4 hours ago, Raptorsin7 said:

I see the desire for sex and emotional intimacy as a need. So once that's met, there are other things to focus on.

I have so much in life I want to see and do, and a relationship is only one part of that.

Yeah, I see a relationship as an experience, it's a mirror, a way to connect, a lesson, a self-inquiry through the other person's eyes, a play with another God's/source fragment.

A relationship isn't a death institution, a nuclear reactor rigid plan (in Chinese), nor a shortcut to happiness or joy.

4 hours ago, Raptorsin7 said:

I'm open minded to different possibilities though. I like the idea of long term monogamy, but maybe you're right and it's just a fantasy. If that's the case i'll adapt and pursue whatever a conscious relationship like looks like

I see you're like the idea of long-term monogamy it's normal I guess and I think that's adorable, as long as you're not in denial about the possible ephemerality of it and struggles that people usually have in this kind of relationship.

I know that many people seek long-term relationships out of idealization of it (our culture always talks about it and very idealizes it), or out of fear of loneliness (which is absurd because people can be married and feel lonely), and many other bad reasons. 

Monogamy is a relatively new social structure for humans and quite complicated for people to be really monogamous for a lifetime. Many people get divorced and a significant part of those who don't get divorced, cheat. Even the married couples who still live together aren't necessarily happy and satisfied with their marriage. I don't think that it's a problem of morality more than it's just something about our biology. Maybe I'm wrong, I don't know, my opinion might change as I will gather more information about human sexuality in the future.

I do think that a healthy relationship with a person for an unknown period of time (and not a lifetime) is a much more realistic thing to pursue. 

 

 

 

Edited January 7, 2022 by Random witch

[Arcangelo]

On 1/6/2022 at 3:20 AM, sidaz10 said:

only if it makes financial sense

xactly

my

Brother

[happyhappy]

On 1/7/2022 at 6:20 PM, Lyubov said:

 I am fine spending my 30s dating and getting experience and putting lots of good miles on my dick. Make him one of those nice classic cars.  

kudos to ya! hahaaa

[Danioover9000]

@Raptorsin7

On 05/01/2022 at 9:18 PM, Raptorsin7 said:

How many people here hope/expect to get married at some in their lives?

I think I want to get married, but i'm unsure about monogamy. I'm skeptical that it makes sense to be with one person for the rest of your life, or that there is a "special" person. But I would prefer to have one person, rather than cycle through multiple partners. Maybe some form of polyamory with close friends could make sense i'm not sure.

   I hope to get married to a soulmate.

[gettoefl]

@BenG marriage is to ensure an equal division of assets in the event of a break up ... things can get ugly in such circumstances

if you don't want your assets split 50-50 then marriage is not an option

[Nahm]

@Raptorsin7

Just a two cents testimony… so to speak, marriage (and family therein) is easily the single greatest decision I’ve ever made. It’s like every day is Christmas x♾ .

It’s a thoughts about vs the actuality of the direct experience situation. The depth is ineffable in comparison to dating / playing mind games with people / manipulating self & other, meaningless sex, etc, and in regard to hearing the words but not having the direct experience. 

Careful not to mentally jump over the great experience of meeting someone first.  Be getting ready for that, making your life awesome (vs ruminating). If you marry at all, it’ll be like you think it will. So think the greatest feeling thoughts about it. 

[roopepa]

2 hours ago, Nahm said:

@Raptorsin7

Just a two cents testimony… so to speak, marriage (and family therein) is easily the single greatest decision I’ve ever made. It’s like every day is Christmas x♾ .

It’s a thoughts about vs the actuality of the direct experience situation. The depth is ineffable in comparison to dating / playing mind games with people / manipulating self & other, meaningless sex, etc, and in regard to hearing the words but not having the direct experience. 

Careful not to mentally jump over the great experience of meeting someone first.  Be getting ready for that, making your life awesome (vs ruminating). If you marry at all, it’ll be like you think it will. So think the greatest feeling thoughts about it. 

Oh wow. I guess this is one of those things that have been missing. I want a family too.

Thinking a future / adulthood with family and marriage feels very different than one without. It's A LOT better.

Ermahgerd. So much depth and insight here. About self-referential thinking and living for others. Giving is recieving. You know what I mean.

[Arcangelo]

On 1/7/2022 at 6:50 AM, Lyubov said:

I am fine spending my 30s dating and getting experience and putting lots of good miles on my dick. Make him one of those nice classic cars.  

POTY

[ArcticGong]

Marriage seems to be the right move if one has children with the person. Otherwise if your looking for companionship, then I don’t see any point to getting married. Marriage gives security to your airs and a fair compensation for your wife for carrying your children and breastfeeding them. Marriage is a reasonable survival construct for the mating market, not the dating. 

[Gianna]

Marriage is about a commitment to growth, together. Because your partner will often be your biggest mirror— sometime beautiful, and sometimes hard to accept. I don’t think it’s a very easy path. But you can get a lot of expansion out of it. A symbiotic partner is everything. 
 

 

[LfcCharlie4]

Haha, I'm only 22 and 100% want to get married and have a huge family. 

Maybe I'm too traditional, and I know it isn't for everyone, but the idea of marriage & having a family seems great to me once you're ready for it (and I believe that differs for everyone) 

I also think Marriage / Family really helps sort a lot of people's lives out, almost like the meaning of family, helps them create e meaningful life in a myriad of other ways. 

But, I'm also very extroverted & social, so the idea of having a busy household, lots of family events, lots of sporting events etc, etc, sounds absolutely brilliant to me, for others that might sound like hell, we all have our preferences. 

One thing I would say is don't do it for the sake of it, do it because you want to!

@Nahm it's certainly something on my dream board  

[Nahm]

@LfcCharlie4

Can’t possibly recommend it enough. But like you said only when ready & if it’s what’s desired. So much love  every which way you turn, ya be tripping over it. 

?? 

[Husseinisdoingfine]

Marriage is a patriarchal social construct which needs to be removed. Marriage is also a strategy by the society, and my men, to imprison and enslave both men and women.

 

[ArcticGong]

5 hours ago, Husseinisdoingfine said:

Marriage is a patriarchal social construct which needs to be removed. Marriage is also a strategy by the society, and my men, to imprison and enslave both men and women.

 

Marriage has the function of slowing down players with economic sanctions and ensuring commitment financially. Players are the big loser in a regulated dating and mating market.