Who Wants Marriage?

[Raptorsin7]

How many people here hope/expect to get married at some in their lives?

I think I want to get married, but i'm unsure about monogamy. I'm skeptical that it makes sense to be with one person for the rest of your life, or that there is a "special" person. But I would prefer to have one person, rather than cycle through multiple partners. Maybe some form of polyamory with close friends could make sense i'm not sure.

[Roy]

I don't believe I'll ever get married, it's fine for others but I personally don't care for it. I'm 28 now and have had a good amount of sexual partners and long term relationships.

I do desire lifetime monogamy though, I imagine I'll go through a series more partners until I find a match that's just so healthy there is simply no reason not to spend the remainder of our lives together.

I'll still value all the partnerships even if they end. Just because it doesn't last forever doesn't mean it was a failure. Certain people come into our lives and leave, exactly when they need to.

Just enjoy the time you have with people, this is all temporary anyways.

[Windappreciator]

Why do you need marriage for this?

[Raptorsin7]

7 minutes ago, Windappreciator said:

Why do you need marriage for this?

I don't need it, but i'd prefer it

[Windappreciator]

you mean the vow will strenghten ?

[Raptorsin7]

5 minutes ago, Windappreciator said:

you mean the vow will strenghten ?

No, just if you're going to commit to someone for the long term I think marriage is a nice way to officiate the union. You don't need one, but I like the idea of having a wife. 

I think the strength of the relationship will depend on the two people, whether you're married or not is unlikely to influence a healthy union between two people.

[Emrie]

Definitely don't want to get married myself, nor lifetime monogamy.

It's impossible for me to make a lifetime commitment to one person like this simply because I don't want to tie myself down like that, so I can have the freedom to make large decisions without worrying about a marriage, or kids.

[Windappreciator]

ok

17 minutes ago, Raptorsin7 said:

No, just if you're going to commit to someone for the long term I think marriage is a nice way to officiate the union. You don't need one, but I like the idea of having a wife. 

I think the strength of the relationship will depend on the two people, whether you're married or not is unlikely to influence a healthy union between two people.

 

[Byun Sean]

1 hour ago, Raptorsin7 said:

1 hour ago, Windappreciator said:

 

I don't need it, but i'd prefer it

ok didnt you answer your own question?

[Derek White]

I'm a young guy and have a lot to learn, but I think I would prefer a marriage if you ask me right now. 

I just grew up in a different culture and have different background from most people on the forum. I think the forum is a little skewed toward western culture. Most of the members are probably westerners since the channel is in English and Leo leans pretty heavily on American values. So idk how people will take my opinion on this, because sometimes they don't like it when you disagree with the majority, but I think disagreements make a meaningful conversation. If all you do is talk to people you agree than what is the point really? Except ego fulfillment of course. 

In my personal experience from what I have seen, I think marriages work well. There is no "special" someone, you have to work with imperfect people. It need commitment from both people. You have arguments but at the end of the day you both love each other and are together. There is a special bond you form with a lifelong partner, it's not simply biological, you share your secrets with them, you tell them everything. I think it's a need. You can't do that if you're changing partners every six months. 

[Windappreciator]

@Derek White  where are you from?

[sidaz10]

only if it makes financial sense

[Gesundheit2]

Go to any Islamic country. You're legally allowed to marry up to 4 women.

[Random witch]

I think that marriage and monogamy sound very good in theory but in reality, it's very hard to maintain love, friendship, and attraction at the same time to only one person for a lifetime. It's an unrealistic fantasy that doesn't fit human sexuality.

It also doesn't make sense that one person is able to meet all your needs and you can meet all his needs for a lifetime. It is much more realistic that one person can meet one or a few of your needs and you can meet his for a limited period of time, because people change and develop with time, so their needs and preferences change. It's a natural process. 

Most couples cheat, sooner or later, not necessarily by passionate sex with someone else, it can be by their thought that wants to experience something new and exciting with someone else, a passionate gaze with a random attractive stranger, by flirt, by "random" touch, by an intimate connection with a colleague at work. It doesn't make people 'bad', it's something beyond our control if we are really honest and authentic with ourselves. The human brain seeks connection, safety, and stability and at the same time seeks novelty and excitement, deal with it! Now deal with this paradox. 

There are no rigid rules to the ways human beings structure their relationships, if one wants to practice monogamy, why not? But it doesn't have to be considered the default for everyone, and there's nothing morally right or better in being monogamous. 

Society lives in huge delusion and hypocrisy about relationships and sex in general which brings so much suffering, the idea that we brainwashed since we are children that there's only one person who is our soul mate is so toxic, so limiting, how can I know that this is my soul mate and not the other one?

 

 

 

Edited January 6, 2022 by Random witch

[Raptorsin7]

@Random witch If you could find someone who you were happy with and attracted too for the rest of your life would you prefer to be monogamous?

I agree with their skepticism, and I wouldn't choose monogamy if it wasn't actually satisfying and enjoyable for both people.

I just think if I had a choice I would want to be sexually and intimately involved with one person in a relationship above others, but if that's not real then I would abandon the idea.

[Random witch]

@Raptorsin7 Sure, because if he meets all my needs, and I'm his, I love him and am attracted to him forever and he's to me, and we have a good dynamic forever, why do I need another one? one is enough. 

But reality and life are much more complicated than this simplistic attitude for better and for worse.

I mean, you can get happily married, love your woman, be attracted to her, and at the same time be attracted to her sister, be in denial about it or not, you might find some sexy trait in her sister that doesn't exist at all in your wife, idealize her sister because you don't know her as much as you know your wife, secretly regret that you got married with your wife and not with her sister, and your wife might be attracted to one of your friends, and maybe she may have better conversations with him about a certain topic that makes her even more connected to him sometimes and sometimes she has erotic dreams about him and she feels guilt and shame when she wakes up next to you, and she might secretly be jealous of you friend's grilfriend,

All those behaviors can happen unexpectedly without intention, naturally between people while everything looks smooth on the surface.

 

 

[Raptorsin7]

Just now, Random witch said:

Sure, because if he meets all my needs, and I'm his, I love him and am attracted to him forever and he's to me, and we have a good dynamic forever, why do I need another one? one is enough. 

But reality and life are much more complicated than this simplistic attitude for better and for worse.

Are you sure about this, or are you at a point where you don't know whether this is true or not?

Do you think it's possible for anyone to find someone who they are happy being in a long term marriage with?

1 minute ago, Random witch said:

I mean, you can get happily married, love your woman, be attracted to her, and at the same time be attracted to her sister, be in denial about it or not, you might find some sexy trait in her sister that doesn't exist at all in your wife, idealize her sister because you don't know her as much as you know your wife, secretly regret that you got married with your wife and not with her sister, and your wife might be attracted to one of your friends, and maybe she may have better conversations with him about a certain topic that makes her even more connected to him sometimes and sometimes she has erotic dreams about him and she feels guilt and shame when she wakes up next to you, and she might secretly be jealous of you friend's grilfriend,

All those behaviors can happen unexpectedly without intention, naturally between people while everything looks smooth on the surface.

Yeah I hear you. This is definitely a possibility, I guess people can grow apart. But I wonder if both people come into a relationship with healed traumas and minds if they have a better chance of being content with a single person, idk.

Maybe polyamory communities where people are constantly switching partners is the way forward? So each man has many partners, and the woman all have plenty of men to choose from. But then you might end up with an unequal distribution of desirability, like all the men want a few woman, or all the woman want a few men.

[SgtPepper]

me and I am already married. 

Edited January 6, 2022 by SgtPepper

[Abdelghafar]

On 05/01/2022 at 11:24 PM, Roy said:

I don't believe I'll ever get married, it's fine for others but I personally don't care for it. I'm 28 now and have had a good amount of sexual partners and long term relationships.

I do desire lifetime monogamy though, I imagine I'll go through a series more partners until I find a match that's just so healthy there is simply no reason not to spend the remainder of our lives together.

I'll still value all the partnerships even if they end. Just because it doesn't last forever doesn't mean it was a failure. Certain people come into our lives and leave, exactly when they need to.

Just enjoy the time you have with people, this is all temporary anyways.

Amen to that!

[Random witch]

2 minutes ago, Raptorsin7 said:

Are you sure about this, or are you at a point where you don't know whether this is true or not?

This is a fantasy in my eyes because there's no person that can meet all our needs, all time, for a lifetime, someone who will be in love with us and always attracted to us and never be attracted to someone else except us. This is a toxic idea and a very egoic one, From my egoic perspective as an introvert it's a great deal and very comfortable, to get a friend, a lover, a mother and father, and a therapist in one person. But it's unreal.

12 minutes ago, Raptorsin7 said:

Do you think it's possible for anyone to find someone who they are happy being in a long term marriage with?

No. Do you?

17 minutes ago, Raptorsin7 said:

But I wonder if both people come into a relationship with healed traumas and minds if they have a better chance of being content with a single person, idk.

I don't think it has something to do with trauma healing and being healthy, of course, it is still important and it impacts the quality, maturity, and depth of relationships, people can create beautiful and aware relationships that way but we can't always choose who we are attracted to and how long or what thoughts or wishes are arising in us, it's not a bad thing and its something that people should be more in acceptance of and less in denial about. Life is always in flow, is dynamic, changing, the efforts to make things rigid and stable create suffering. 

 

26 minutes ago, Raptorsin7 said:

Maybe polyamory communities where people are constantly switching partners is the way forward? So each man has many partners, and the woman all have plenty of men to choose from. 

Maybe that's the solution maybe not, I don't know, but I think all those definitions are killing us. All those rules of what we shouldn't do.

30 minutes ago, Raptorsin7 said:

But then you might end up with an unequal distribution of desirability, like all the men want a few woman, or all the woman want a few men.

It's already the case I guess, it's already constructed that way because of the narrow beauty standards and all the modern expectations people have of each other. The idea that only one person fits you is the idea that creates an unequal distribution of desirability because you're allowed to choose only one person and when you're allowed to choose only one you'll try to choose the best you can find, but what happens when you're allowed and encouraged to choose more than one? I think that you don't mind lowing your standards as long as you enjoy the people you're involved with.