Sexual trauma

[B222]

For 27 years I was doing ok. Quite shy, bit of social anxiety, inexperience with girls, but nothing too out of the ordinary. Very strange upbringing around sex from early childhood that I don’t really wanna get into here, but I think this early exposure along with other deep insecurities fucked me up regarding sex and relationships as got into my teens… After splitting up with first gf few years ago, I was left with all kinds of insecurities and went into isolation mode. People in my life who I thought had my back, turned to ridiculous slander and I somehow let it affect me in a massive way. The last few years have been difficult, but I’ve not done everything in my power to make it better either I.e not properly regulating my nervous system (I was mostly blind to this until recently tho), not being social enough etc. I only have myself to blame for letting such ridiculous comments affect me (paedo bla bla) and not properly doing the work intensely enough in the first place. I’ve used medication which has brought me back to my normal self and I’ve improved my habits tremendously over the last year. I can thankfully say I’m out of what was a nightmare phase. I don’t get intrusive thoughts anymore and the anxiety around it has decreased majorly, still a bit of work to do but I’m much freer mentally. Guess I just gotta keep being social, regulating my nervous system etc 

I still feel some shame, denial, and get defensive when it comes to being open about it tho. It scarred me, I still feel a slight hint of resentment especially towards the people who knew me well and turned on me when it all went to shit, but I eventually took full responsibility for my situation. I know the truth of who I am but it still gets to me that people could still make slanderous assumptions, but I keep reminding myself that people will talk, assume, hate, etc. As long as I know what I know it’s all good. 

I guess the first step is to be open about it. 

My question is what would you do moving forward? It still feels uncomfortable to speak about for obvious reasons. I’ve not been totally isolated and I’m going to events etc more regularly now. Just wondering about how to handle the shame and denial around it? This is the first step. I was open from the start to people closest to me and they stabbed me in the back which also hurt deeply. I feel much better today but it’s a proper WTF thing to even think about. Is what it is. I’ve learned a lot. What do you think? 

Edited January 4, 2022 by B222

[flume]

Great to see you want to work on it and are open about it.

I'd definitely suggest professional help.

The "Primal Childhood Deconditioning Retreat" by Puja Lepp totally changed my life this summer. It's the most helpful thing I've found so far. And there were many people with severe (sexual) traumas who worked through it amazingly. The thing is: You can't talk your way out of trauma, it needs to be an embodied experience. So if you can afford it in any way, make this a priority. The next one is June 3rd till June 10th in the Netherlands. It costs 2000,- but it will be the best money you've ever spent. You're in the hands of trained professionals and you get all the tools and all the room to clean up your past. I'll probably be there too

This is Pujas website: https://www.pujalepp.com

You can set up a free call with her, tell her about your situation and she'll know what to do. 

[Thought Art]

I don't feel I have enough information to really understand what you are working through. But, I think speaking to a professional who will keep your problems to themselves and can help you professionally is a good idea.

You don't need to be honest with anyone other than yourself though. You can keep secrets. 

You are not your past.

Edited January 5, 2022 by Thought Art

[B222]

@flume just seen this, thanks a lot, I’ll look into it  

@Thought Art yea, I’ll reach out to another therapist soon. Had one not long ago but we didn’t really touch on anything to do with trauma. Thanks