I’m emotionally abusive and need help.

[Breezy]

I’m a 22-year-old female who has had a friendship/relationship with my ex-boyfriend’s cousin for the past two years. My ex was extremely abusive emotionally and sexually exploited me, and caused extremely toxic relationship traits such as lying, threatening suicide, cheating, and coercing me into exploitative situations when I was 18-20. 
 

I sparked a friendship with his cousin who helped me out of that situation. I left the abusive situation, and started a loving friendship with his cousin. I was in a vulnerable place, and enjoyed all the positive attention, but as the months went on I started self-sabotaging our friendship because it was too good. I felt I didn’t deserve it. This sparked fights, which he told me he would not stick around for, as he’s dealt with fighting his whole life. 

Two years in, fighting has become a regular, daily occurrence because of me. I use him as a way to beat myself up emotionally. He tells me he can’t talk to me, I’m emotionally abusive, and he feels alienated and suicidal because of me. This makes me react emotionally, and causes my cycle of self-abuse to reignite, and my longings for suicide to reveal itself. I cannot live with myself knowing I made another person feel like that. But I use it to make my self-misery even worse.
 

He has been nothing but supportive and helpful in trying to help me with these issues for two years. I’ve sought therapy, read books, had good streaks of no fighting here and there. But I haven’t changed. If anything, I’ve gotten worse - and my threshold for misery and choosing misery increased because of my cycle of: obsessing over negative traits about myself, seeking validation in the form of arguments/crying to my friend, and using that fight as more fuel to ignite my self-hatred and extreme attachment to my self-image and how I affect others. So, the more fights and pain I’ve caused, the more fuel I have to hate myself. 
 

When we started being friends, I was in a really vulnerable spot as I’d just come out from emotional abuse, I’ve always had incredibly low self-esteem, and he was giving me an intense emotional bond that completely ripped the fabric of who my ex thought I was (worthless, etc.) But as his intense attention to me faded with time, I started getting in my head about him hating me and realizing I’m not what he said I was, thus beginning a self-fulfilling prophecy. 
 

He’s at the end of his rope, and I don’t blame him. I’m disgusted with the behavior I’ve chosen, and the misery over all the fights I’ve caused makes me suicidal and compounds the misery cycle even more. He’s told me I make him want to die, that I’m a burden and abuse people to fulfill my own prophecy of self-hatred, and he’s right. He draws parallels to me and my abusive ex (his cousin), and his other abusive ex’s and family members. He keeps telling me if I just stop, I can fix it, and he’ll forget about my past behavior. 
 

I am too attached, however, to the dread and misery I feel over my past mistakes. Every day I tell myself “it could’ve been 2 years of happiness instead, you chose this”, and the guilt and regret of that causes me to spiral into self-hate and causes fights later between my friend and I because of me being obviously upset and withdrawn. I honestly do not know how to live with myself, or continue the privilege of calling myself that persons friend when I am nothing but an abuser. It makes me not want to live anymore, and I think that is me trying to escape accepting that I have been abusive. I know I caused all of this. I’m so incredibly disgusted and upset with doing this self-fulfilling prophecy that I’ve actually provided solid reason for myself and others to hate me.
 

After being abused for two years, I know exactly what he’s going through, and it makes me sick to my stomach I’ve turned into this person who abuses others. This past weekend was especially awful, and I put him in situations that could’ve gotten him fired from work because I looked as if I had been crying, after we argued and he told me he wants to block me and never see me again out of anger, and forcing me to admit I’m selfish and don’t care about anyone because of how I treat him, calling me countless names and cussing, all to which I understand. This caused me to spiral and cry uncontrollably.

I know I’m abusive. I’m posting this as a way that I can hopefully admit it to myself and accept it. But I’m so fearful over the pain and scars I’ve caused in our relationship, and I’ve made it so much harder on myself to recover and move on from being miserable after the behavior I displayed this weekend. I want to move on and do better, but I can’t let go of the pain of being seen as as an abuser. I don’t want him to see me that way, I want him to feel emotionally safe with me, and I worry I ruined that for good, even though he constantly says (and keeps saying), if I offer a sincere apology in the form of changed behavior, he’ll forget about the past. 
 

On another note however, he tells me relationships are like photos, and if you tear and crumble them, you can never fully get the creases out. I worry I can never repair the pain I caused. I’m obsessing over my regret and I don’t know how to accept the creases and move on. My self-hatred makes me want to lay in bed and never wake up again. This person was so good to me and I have brought nothing but turmoil into their lives. 

I feel weak and cowardly. I am seeking any advice for how to move on from this attachment to misery so as to not hurt him anymore, especially since I’ve given myself countless reasons to be miserable and feel awful about myself. Thank you for reading.

[NatureB]

Thanks for the long and detailed post. It's not easy to share these feelings with people you don't know!

I don't have any answers for you, but here were some ideas that popped into my head:

Bite the bullet and break up with him. You are probably not going to fix these dysfunctional dynamics while in the relationship - you're too close to the problem.

Get good therapy, including group therapy.

Are you meditating every day? You need to start chipping away at this every day to make any real progress. Meditation is a great way to do that.

Read Facing Love Addiction by Pia Mellody. I haven't read this one yet, but her book on codependence is good. Facing Love Addiction is probably the right book for you right now.

Consider going to the Rio Retreat Center workshop called "Love Addiction/Love Avoidance" which Pia Mellody, Peter Levine and others put together. I did it and came away with amazing insight into why I am who I am.

Microdose mushrooms. Every once in a while do a bigger dose, like 3g. Take it slow and build up to it though, you have a lot of self-hate it seems which can be dangerous.

Look at your relationship with your father. Did he abandon you? Enmesh you? Your relationship with your dad colors your relationship with every man after him.

Have you been sexually abused? That can cause a lot of rage, shame, abusive behavior.

 

[Flowerfaeiry]

7 hours ago, Breezy said:

t makes me sick to my stomach I’ve turned into this person who abuses others

I noticed a recurring theme of guilt throughout this post and I want you to know that this guilt is not doing any good. Beating yourself up is only causing more pain, dear. Please try to offer yourself kindness, you deserve it no matter what <3

Now for the hard truths...

Most situations like this end very poorly. It doesn't sound like this one is going to end well and I'm sorry for your pain. You will learn from this, though. The bond between you is too toxic for healing. I wish for this to resolve quickly for you both. And I send you strength during this time, love. 

[Raze]

try internal family systems therapy, it can help you heal your trauma and attachment problems.

it might be best to not be in a relationship for a while until you are in a better place.

[Hardkill]

9 hours ago, Breezy said:

I’m a 22-year-old female who has had a friendship/relationship with my ex-boyfriend’s cousin for the past two years. My ex was extremely abusive emotionally and sexually exploited me, and caused extremely toxic relationship traits such as lying, threatening suicide, cheating, and coercing me into exploitative situations when I was 18-20. 
 

I sparked a friendship with his cousin who helped me out of that situation. I left the abusive situation, and started a loving friendship with his cousin. I was in a vulnerable place, and enjoyed all the positive attention, but as the months went on I started self-sabotaging our friendship because it was too good. I felt I didn’t deserve it. This sparked fights, which he told me he would not stick around for, as he’s dealt with fighting his whole life. 

Two years in, fighting has become a regular, daily occurrence because of me. I use him as a way to beat myself up emotionally. He tells me he can’t talk to me, I’m emotionally abusive, and he feels alienated and suicidal because of me. This makes me react emotionally, and causes my cycle of self-abuse to reignite, and my longings for suicide to reveal itself. I cannot live with myself knowing I made another person feel like that. But I use it to make my self-misery even worse.
 

He has been nothing but supportive and helpful in trying to help me with these issues for two years. I’ve sought therapy, read books, had good streaks of no fighting here and there. But I haven’t changed. If anything, I’ve gotten worse - and my threshold for misery and choosing misery increased because of my cycle of: obsessing over negative traits about myself, seeking validation in the form of arguments/crying to my friend, and using that fight as more fuel to ignite my self-hatred and extreme attachment to my self-image and how I affect others. So, the more fights and pain I’ve caused, the more fuel I have to hate myself. 
 

When we started being friends, I was in a really vulnerable spot as I’d just come out from emotional abuse, I’ve always had incredibly low self-esteem, and he was giving me an intense emotional bond that completely ripped the fabric of who my ex thought I was (worthless, etc.) But as his intense attention to me faded with time, I started getting in my head about him hating me and realizing I’m not what he said I was, thus beginning a self-fulfilling prophecy. 
 

He’s at the end of his rope, and I don’t blame him. I’m disgusted with the behavior I’ve chosen, and the misery over all the fights I’ve caused makes me suicidal and compounds the misery cycle even more. He’s told me I make him want to die, that I’m a burden and abuse people to fulfill my own prophecy of self-hatred, and he’s right. He draws parallels to me and my abusive ex (his cousin), and his other abusive ex’s and family members. He keeps telling me if I just stop, I can fix it, and he’ll forget about my past behavior. 
 

I am too attached, however, to the dread and misery I feel over my past mistakes. Every day I tell myself “it could’ve been 2 years of happiness instead, you chose this”, and the guilt and regret of that causes me to spiral into self-hate and causes fights later between my friend and I because of me being obviously upset and withdrawn. I honestly do not know how to live with myself, or continue the privilege of calling myself that persons friend when I am nothing but an abuser. It makes me not want to live anymore, and I think that is me trying to escape accepting that I have been abusive. I know I caused all of this. I’m so incredibly disgusted and upset with doing this self-fulfilling prophecy that I’ve actually provided solid reason for myself and others to hate me.
 

After being abused for two years, I know exactly what he’s going through, and it makes me sick to my stomach I’ve turned into this person who abuses others. This past weekend was especially awful, and I put him in situations that could’ve gotten him fired from work because I looked as if I had been crying, after we argued and he told me he wants to block me and never see me again out of anger, and forcing me to admit I’m selfish and don’t care about anyone because of how I treat him, calling me countless names and cussing, all to which I understand. This caused me to spiral and cry uncontrollably.

I know I’m abusive. I’m posting this as a way that I can hopefully admit it to myself and accept it. But I’m so fearful over the pain and scars I’ve caused in our relationship, and I’ve made it so much harder on myself to recover and move on from being miserable after the behavior I displayed this weekend. I want to move on and do better, but I can’t let go of the pain of being seen as as an abuser. I don’t want him to see me that way, I want him to feel emotionally safe with me, and I worry I ruined that for good, even though he constantly says (and keeps saying), if I offer a sincere apology in the form of changed behavior, he’ll forget about the past. 
 

On another note however, he tells me relationships are like photos, and if you tear and crumble them, you can never fully get the creases out. I worry I can never repair the pain I caused. I’m obsessing over my regret and I don’t know how to accept the creases and move on. My self-hatred makes me want to lay in bed and never wake up again. This person was so good to me and I have brought nothing but turmoil into their lives. 

I feel weak and cowardly. I am seeking any advice for how to move on from this attachment to misery so as to not hurt him anymore, especially since I’ve given myself countless reasons to be miserable and feel awful about myself. Thank you for reading.

Sounds like you may have to break up and be single for a long while until you have resolved enough of the trauma you had in your life. Otherwise, you'll continue putting yourself and your partner at great risk of causing more toxicity between the two of you to the point of the relationship becoming too dangerous for both of you,

Edited January 5, 2022 by Hardkill

[Windappreciator]

Quote

 I worry I can never repair the pain I caused

non sense, of course you can. maybe not now and not in the near future, maybe, but once you really get sick of being in regret and abusive you stop being in regret and abusive.

so enjoy for now what you have, you will go through it anyway.

Edited January 5, 2022 by Windappreciator

[Average Investor]

21 hours ago, Breezy said:

calling me countless names and cussing

 

21 hours ago, Breezy said:

He’s told me I make him want to die, that I’m a burden and abuse people

I want you to notice that those things are actually abusive. That is not someone who is just a victim, but a participant in this. Regardless, of what they might say you did to them. 

21 hours ago, Breezy said:

I feel weak and cowardly. I am seeking any advice for how to move on from this attachment to misery so as to not hurt him anymore, especially since I’ve given myself countless reasons to be miserable and feel awful about myself. Thank you for reading.

From what you are describing this relationship just seems co-dependent and toxic. Both of you seem to be doing this to each other and not just one person to the other. I would recommend just cutting this relationship off completely. Work on making some new friends and relationships. It usually is the dynamic of the relationship rather, than just one person. Both people contribute to what happens in a relationship. Even if someone just allows the other person to hurt them. Given the duration of this and the type of things that are happening I highly doubt both of you will reform and make this work. 

If you want some good advice. Watch this video and write down all of the red flags you see for this.