I'm, uh, fucked

[KatiesKarma]

9 hours ago, happyhappy said:

 I lost my mom when I was 12 to cancer .I didn't have a   strong relationship with dad but he was very understanding of my situation. I think my dad did a decent job of bringing me up though.  I spent a majority of my early teens playing  playsation  games.

the school days  , I rarely got bullied but I was unable to relate to folks at school. 

I hv heard that childhood trauma can become the roots of depersonalization. but, last few years I hv been on a roller coaster of depression and anxiety. I used to be a highly sensitive, introverted  person plus I had many anger issues as well. yet now, I do not seem to  have usual display of fear, desire, greed, anger whatsoever.

do u think this is irreversible ? have u never felt emotion or lost it along the way like I did? in my case, I don't feel like a person and do not care what happens to me. this is opposite of me compared to a few years back. I used to be a individualistic success driven stage orange asshole

 

when I asked some forum members here, they proposed that  this could be a conjecture/ another nondual paradigm. still no sure...groundless!

I do think this is reversible, you just need a few things that I don't really have right now. (Routine, social support, goals, challenge, sports, good diet, grounding exercises, trauma therapy, active expression of emotion)

I think I was born with some emptiness or whatnot, but I always felt anxiety and could laugh properly (my whole system was involved). Now it's like the anxiety is numb and the laugh empty, you know the deal. So it was a gradual losing of what little emotions I had over a long period of time via dissociative episodes, actually.

Not too sure what you mean in the last paragraph but I think I know. Sometimes people will say "ohh, depersonalization disorder! You have discovered the truth, you ARE emptiness and nothing is real! And you still have emotions, you are just pretending not to! Damn coolio dis is so spiritual, man"

This sort of thing has, um, precisely nothing to do with spirituality. It's rooted in trauma and neglect and makes life that much more meaningless and more challenging than it needs to be.

 

 

[happyhappy]

25 minutes ago, KatiesKarma said:

I do think this is reversible, you just need a few things that I don't really have right now. (Routine, social support, goals, challenge, sports, good diet, grounding exercises, trauma therapy, active expression of emotion)

I think I was born with some emptiness or whatnot, but I always felt anxiety and could laugh properly (my whole system was involved). Now it's like the anxiety is numb and the laugh empty, you know the deal. So it was a gradual losing of what little emotions I had over a long period of time via dissociative episodes, actually.

Not too sure what you mean in the last paragraph but I think I know. Sometimes people will say "ohh, depersonalization disorder! You have discovered the truth, you ARE emptiness and nothing is real! And you still have emotions, you are just pretending not to! Damn coolio dis is so spiritual, man"

This sort of thing has, um, precisely nothing to do with spirituality. It's rooted in trauma and neglect and makes life that much more meaningless and more challenging than it needs to be.

 

 

um, to paraphrase the the last para, I just said this depersonalization this is really like a half baked enlightenment. do u feel fear? I honestly don't .how hard I try .I just don't as u said this could be a ego reaction towards difficult circumstances by numbing out.  feels weird .meaninglessness rules the day lol !

and by the way katie, are you saying that u don't feel happiness as well? I mean, in my case , I feel like a zombie yes, but an unclear sense of peace seems to be there. I don't get to be irritated by the BS stuff  in the late night news everyday .

 

[KatiesKarma]

7 minutes ago, happyhappy said:

um, to paraphrase the the last para, I just said this depersonalization this is really like a half baked enlightenment. do u feel fear? I honestly don't .how hard I try .I just don't as u said this could be a ego reaction towards difficult circumstances by numbing out.  feels weird .meaninglessness rules the day lol !

and by the way katie, are you saying that u don't feel happiness as well? I mean, in my case , I feel like a zombie yes, but an unclear sense of peace seems to be there. I don't get to be irritated by the BS stuff  in the late night news everyday .

 

Nah that's the misconception. Dissociation imitates englightment in many ways, but in the end, has nothing to do with it. Yeah I've read about metaphors of this being like the mind pushing the emergency-airbag button and never pulling that airbag back, so that's why we function with 50% capacity.

I do feel peaceful as hell which might contribute to my non-action taking. I know under that 'peace', lots of things I am not working trough are hidden so it's like I cannot enjoy this forever. 

[happyhappy]

13 minutes ago, KatiesKarma said:

Nah that's the misconception. Dissociation imitates englightment in many ways, but in the end, has nothing to do with it. Yeah I've read about metaphors of this being like the mind pushing the emergency-airbag button and never pulling that airbag back, so that's why we function with 50% capacity.

I do feel peaceful as hell which might contribute to my non-action taking. I know under that 'peace', lots of things I am not working trough are hidden so it's like I cannot enjoy this forever. 

it is really great to find somebody to relate to ! no empathy or sadness either?

yess..most people are driven by fear or desire with varying degrees of it. when we remove the two, we get to peace. I feel fucking distanced from all the shit on earth. no reason to drag myself out of the bed XD. 

I keep procrastinating constantly . everything is in  vain. 

19 minutes ago, KatiesKarma said:

, so that's why we function with 50% capacity.

sounds true!

[happyhappy]

@happyhappy have ya taken anti depressants? when my therapist heard me talking about the meaninglessness and nihilistic conundrum I felt, she prescribed me to have anti depressants for 6 months straight.  and after 2 moths of sertraline, not much has changed . 

and irl ig there is  a bright side to this as well!

 

[KatiesKarma]

31 minutes ago, happyhappy said:

@happyhappy have ya taken anti depressants? when my therapist heard me talking about the meaninglessness and nihilistic conundrum I felt, she prescribed me to have anti depressants for 6 months straight.  and after 2 moths of sertraline, not much has changed . 

and irl ig there is  a bright side to this as well!

 

I took various anridepressants with various catastrophic side effects (leg cramps, dry mouth w constantly wanting to either piss or drink, inability to laugh and feeling even number) soo I don't think they are part of the 'cure' at all.

 

40 minutes ago, happyhappy said:

it is really great to find somebody to relate to ! no empathy or sadness either?

yess..most people are driven by fear or desire with varying degrees of it. when we remove the two, we get to peace. I feel fucking distanced from all the shit on earth. no reason to drag myself out of the bed XD. 

I keep procrastinating constantly . everything is in  vain. 

sounds true!

Mhm serious lack of fuel, just stuck like this.

[Nahm]

@KatiesKarma

Understanding the emotions you are already experiencing will change your entire understanding, and therein outlook, daily experience and life. Reading text and listening to videos will not do. If you would like to talk just let me know. No cost, link’s below. Much love & I hope you feel better soon. ? 

[happyhappy]

39 minutes ago, KatiesKarma said:

Mhm serious lack of fuel, just stuck like this.

let's find a way out! there should be.  betting on ya! not to cheer u up, I mean, I hope u can make it. 

will see how it goes. ,after all this is not so bad. we are free from a lot fear and suffering  that most people encounter. this should be a blessing in disguise in the long run...

cheers!??

 

[Someone here]

Have you tried antidepressants? 

[KatiesKarma]

2 minutes ago, Someone here said:

Have you tried antidepressants? 

Yes. They are not for me, I am aware that there exists a plethora of different variations but no antidepressant in the world will cure my neglected soul and lack of vitality. Increasing dopamine or serotonin does odd things to me but nothing I deem useful

 

[Taunted Jester]

ok. So i read all of the above and I was wondering if you could take a look at this 8 minute 13 second youtube video about complex PTSD.

 

It's something that I am quite sure I have and whilst I am NOT looking to associate myself by looking for others like me, I just wonder if this is something that might be affecting you from all that I have read.

 

Due to my ""unsafe" in my mind" household aka Father who had anger management issues; and the huge amount of bullying in primary school but mostly high school and even out of school... where I would feel unsafe...   I find that I cannot get close to people even if I find them attractive in looks, personality, and I know they find me attractive in look, personality, etc.  I just want to get away from physical touching etc.

 

Do you have a problem with that?

 

What is it that you feel disassociated with? Emotions? People in general? Touch? Life in general?

 

I don't know. There is a LOT of disassociation from what I am reading.

 

Can you do me a favour? I mean that. Please do me a favour. 

 

Can you please try to do this one thing for me...?

 

I ALWAYS find myself laughing in the end after I try and do this.

 

Can you please try and do.... an EVIL laugh for me? Like... Muahahhaha. Bruahhaha Bwahahahhaha hiiiihihihihi hoohooohooo brawwalllaaa hahahaha and just keep going and changing tones and evilness in sounds, etc.

 

It ALWAYS makes me laugh.... hard... See how that goes.

[flume]

Sounds like some serious trauma and neglect loops you're going through. Can feel like a prison you can't get out with when unaddressed. Expression is key. In case you'd like support with processing trauma, social support & expressing emotions... I have experience with that. Just send me a message and we can set up a call. No charge.

[KatiesKarma]

21 minutes ago, Taunted Jester said:

ok. So i read all of the above and I was wondering if you could take a look at this 8 minute 13 second youtube video about complex PTSD.

 

It's something that I am quite sure I have and whilst I am NOT looking to associate myself by looking for others like me, I just wonder if this is something that might be affecting you from all that I have read.

 

Due to my ""unsafe" in my mind" household aka Father who had anger management issues; and the huge amount of bullying in primary school but mostly high school and even out of school... where I would feel unsafe...   I find that I cannot get close to people even if I find them attractive in looks, personality, and I know they find me attractive in look, personality, etc.  I just want to get away from physical touching etc.

 

Do you have a problem with that?

 

What is it that you feel disassociated with? Emotions? People in general? Touch? Life in general?

 

I don't know. There is a LOT of disassociation from what I am reading.

 

Can you do me a favour? I mean that. Please do me a favour. 

 

Can you please try to do this one thing for me...?

 

I ALWAYS find myself laughing in the end after I try and do this.

 

Can you please try and do.... an EVIL laugh for me? Like... Muahahhaha. Bruahhaha Bwahahahhaha hiiiihihihihi hoohooohooo brawwalllaaa hahahaha and just keep going and changing tones and evilness in sounds, etc.

 

It ALWAYS makes me laugh.... hard... See how that goes.

It's not showing the link but depersonalization disorder and c-ptsd go right hand in hand so there is that. 

On the social issue, people have no conceptual value/weight in my mind. If i talk to someone next to me I remain empty and feel like a schizophrenic actor with no past or future that is oddly calm, frozen. No point in sharing my secrets of knowing theirs, no emotions involved the whole thing is pointless, confusing and terrifying. So yes it's a huge problem that runs my life right now.

I will not do the devil laugh tho, I'm sorry.

 

Yes I dissociated as fuuuuck from everything. I still feel my body so that's good

[KatiesKarma]

1 hour ago, Tim Ho said:

 

Maybe it is time to drop all the drugs and start a healthy lifestyle?

Start to walk and build up metabolism in your physical body since you haven't done much for a long time.  Feel the different after each walk in the neighborhood.   It take time for your body to switch to active mode.  

I don't experiment with those anymore and do plan to apply to a few jobs, it's just all very difficult because my mind works at this very low and unintegrated capacity, so I'm not sure at all, how or what I am capable of.

I can snort cocaine and enjoy myself a little but can I do paperwork, take care of children in spite of feeling like an literal alien in this society,  ugh... 

[Breakingthewall]

On 4/1/2022 at 11:23 PM, KatiesKarma said:

The funny thing is I did everything. Weed, speed, cocaine, ecstasy, lsd except for shrooms.

I probably really did it in the wrong context, set and setting as these drugs did literally nothing for me. Except for again showing me how something is simply 'wrong' with me.

I would try a medium dose of mushrooms, 2 or 2.5 grams (dry) being alone . They can open doors in your mind on a level that I consider magic. And the worst thing that can happen to you is an unpleasant time. I procrastinate a lot to make mushrooms, it is lazy to get into that, but every time I do it I get benefits, openness, liberation.

 

Edited January 10, 2022 by Breakingthewall

[Arcangelo]

On 1/4/2022 at 1:03 PM, KatiesKarma said:

De nada.

Hola!

 

On 1/4/2022 at 1:03 PM, KatiesKarma said:

insurance reasons.

What's

that?

[KatiesKarma]

1 hour ago, Arcangelo said:

Hola!

 

What's

that?

Living in Germany is great but has many fallacies as well. The governtment won't pay for you just existing, you have to do something and are bound to all sorts of contracts. Me fucking around with school like that has certain consequences, like me being fucked for example

[puporing]

Sounds like you need someone who could just unconditionally give you some love and care. It can be very tough to get out of on your own. I hope you don't blame yourself.. 

[KatiesKarma]

2 hours ago, puporing said:

Sounds like you need someone who could just unconditionally give you some love and care. It can be very tough to get out of on your own. I hope you don't blame yourself.. 

It can be said that the absence of such a person, or even a tiny friend group, got me into this little disaster.

Maybe God will grant me someone. I have never been in Love or crushed on someone, though.

[puporing]

3 hours ago, Tim Ho said:

Love yourself.   

Grant yourself that person❣

This is really easier said than done when you've not received proper love growing up. Yes there should be increasing awareness of self-love, self-parenting etc, but when you literally had zero true parental figure that's a really tall order. 

I don't have all the answers, been in and out of therapy myself for similar reasons. I think being in the presence of a loving person really does help however you find that, doesn't have to be a romantic relationship. Maybe a mentor, teacher that you can interact more consistently with.