I'm, uh, fucked

[KatiesKarma]

Hello it's me again, I probably posted here the same thing a few times. I just don't know and at the same time do know why I am so unbelieveably stuck and trapped in this loop.

You ever just unconsciously follow the "flow of Life" and then find yourself in this wonderful position:

- some deep, deep attachment problem/ depersonalization. It feels as though I am dead but alive. Zero emotion, zero identity, pure emptiness but not the holy one. Psychs just intensify the unconscious patterns and then show me a ridiculous, funky cartoon world. My mind is literally stuck in unreality/childhood/dissociation. I cannot function properly like this

- I've been stuck at Home reliving the same day for two years now, utterly alone. If i don't make some radical changes right now I will simply kill myself. I don't know when I socialized, when the last time was. I might have social anhedonia as well

- I "joked" around with school. This and last year I went there for two weeks and then quit "due to depression", but really I just can't face the truth of my situation and a few other things. I didnt think clearly - I did not think that staying home would be that much worse. It's also not that simple to "just find a job" due to insurance reasons.

So yeah, I am fuuuuuucked.

I could do a "fsj" which is like this paid social Engagement but ugh I don't know what I am capable of at all and this whole school disaster haunts me. I wanted to finish high school, how do I explain myself.

 

All of this basically happened because I have zero self-worth, really shit emotional/social development and basically zero support. De nada. I live in my own little existential hell called depersonalization and isolation and whatnot. It would be fun if it werent so miserable

Therapy has been, uh, useless. Church has not been helpful either, imagine that

 

 

[vizual]

Are you a Christian? Have you read the Bible?

[NoSelfSelf]

Dont try to function properly accept as you are and if you manage that tall task chip away at first thing that pops and do that for years and eventualy you will get there it took me over 10 years to beat social anxiety its still here a little bit that means chip away some more...depression and helplessness comes from you trying to make it different then it is univers is trying to mold you into something more and it gave you this big task to conquer probably not what you wanted to hear thats just my 2 cents...

[KatiesKarma]

4 minutes ago, vizual said:

Are you a Christian? Have you read the Bible?

I guess my problem with these sorts of things is that my soul is so utterly anhedonic, nothing in the bible touches my heart. It's just like reading this long cryptic text I have no real interest in.

I have one friend who swears that Jesus prevented his suicide, though.

[vizual]

1 minute ago, KatiesKarma said:

I guess my problem with these sorts of things is that my soul is so utterly anhedonic, nothing in the bible touches my heart. It's just like reading this long cryptic text I have no real interest in.

I have one friend who swears that Jesus prevented his suicide, though.

Have you read or listened to Christian apologetics? They can really get you to think and advance your spiritual development, even if you aren't a Christian. And they make you understand and appreciate the themes of the Bible more.

I'm talking about writers like Thomas Aquinas, CS Lewis, GK Chesterton, St. Augustine. And you can watch Youtube channels like Bishop Barron, but also the work of Jordan Peterson on Christianity.

You have to find some spark in yourself to keep searching.

[Cathal]

what do you think you need to get out of this rut? 

very simply, what do you need to do

if you can come up with something, why can't you do that?

[mandyjw]

You aren't emotionless. You're telling yourself a story about being emotionless and not liking the crappy feeling emotion that ensues in response to the story, and are trying to rid yourself of it rather than feel it, you're actually identifying with having no identity.

Check the scale and find the emotion you are experiencing, express the emotion (through writing) and allow yourself to express the emotions up the scale. 

Edited January 4, 2022 by mandyjw

[KatiesKarma]

1 minute ago, catcat69123 said:

what do you think you need to get out of this rut? 

very simply, what do you need to do

if you can come up with something, why can't you do that?

Tough question. I always say a time machine or some magic pills. Inner and outter integrity is what I really need and seek but all I have is utter fragmentation and loneliness.

An inner spark, some other humans, a plan that doesnt seem utterly miserable.

It's really odd how I just don't make any moves at all, frozen in my bedroom. 

[KatiesKarma]

2 minutes ago, mandyjw said:

You aren't emotionless. You're telling yourself a story about being emotionless and not liking the crappy feeling emotion that ensues in response to the story, and are trying to rid yourself of it rather than feel it, you're actually identifying with having no identity.

Check the scale and find the emotion you are experiencing, express the emotion (through writing) and allow yourself to express the emotions up the scale. 

Well if I muster some effort I can sense numb versions ofanxiety, some despair, some overwhelm. Irritation too. In response to this prison

[happyhappy]

35 minutes ago, KatiesKarma said:

Hello it's me again, I probably posted here the same thing a few times. I just don't know and at the same time do know why I am so unbelieveably stuck and trapped in this loop.

You ever just unconsciously follow the "flow of Life" and then find yourself in this wonderful position:

- some deep, deep attachment problem/ depersonalization. It feels as though I am dead but alive. Zero emotion, zero identity, pure emptiness but not the holy one. Psychs just intensify the unconscious patterns and then show me a ridiculous, funky cartoon world. My mind is literally stuck in unreality/childhood/dissociation. I cannot function properly like this

- I've been stuck at Home reliving the same day for two years now, utterly alone. If i don't make some radical changes right now I will simply kill myself. I don't know when I socialized, when the last time was. I might have social anhedonia as well

- I "joked" around with school. This and last year I went there for two weeks and then quit "due to depression", but really I just can't face the truth of my situation and a few other things. I didnt think clearly - I did not think that staying home would be that much worse. It's also not that simple to "just find a job" due to insurance reasons.

So yeah, I am fuuuuuucked.

I could do a "fsj" which is like this paid social Engagement but ugh I don't know what I am capable of at all and this whole school disaster haunts me. I wanted to finish high school, how do I explain myself.

 

All of this basically happened because I have zero self-worth, really shit emotional/social development and basically zero support. De nada. I live in my own little existential hell called depersonalization and isolation and whatnot. It would be fun if it werent so miserable

Therapy has been, uh, useless. Church has not been helpful either, imagine that

 

 

same here for me....no emotions, dull. no fear either. just existence.....fucked huh?

many asked me to give a break to this nondual awakening stuff. soooo what spawned this emotional numbness and deidentification?

[Nadosa]

Also sometimes feel like: the fuck is this emotion? It is not even on the scale? Utter desperation for example.

[mandyjw]

1 minute ago, KatiesKarma said:

Well if I muster some effort I can sense numb versions ofanxiety, some despair, some overwhelm. Irritation too. In response to this prison

Well when you feel an emotion sit down, express it, write about IT, not where you are or what you think you are, but the emotion and thoughts around the emotion, and work your way up the scale. 

40 minutes ago, KatiesKarma said:

 

really shit emotional/social development and basically zero support.

 

Is there anger, blame around this? Express it. Not TO anyone, express it for yourself. 

[KatiesKarma]

1 minute ago, happyhappy said:

same here for me....no emotions, dull. no fear either. just existence.....fucked huh?

many asked me to give a break to this nondual awakening stuff. soooo what spawned this emotional numbness and deidentification?

Well I looked into Harris Harrington who explains the roots of depersonalization disorder. It always has to do with childhood and dysfunctional family structures. My father was a himself abused drug addict, dealer, etc always absent, I received zero emotional guidance and whatnot from him.

He then goes on to say that introverted, highly senseitive and depressed people with this kind of backround will develop full on depersonalization disorder with enough isolation and other life stressors, where the brain loses its ability to process Emotion.

I "feel" your pain.

 

[mandyjw]

4 minutes ago, Nadosa said:

Also sometimes feel like: the fuck is this emotion? It is not even on the scale? Utter desperation for example.

That's the same as despair. As you start expressing sometimes you find you mislabeled an emotion and it's worse or more mild than you labeled it. It doesn't really matter though, expression is what brings about the clarity to notice that. 

[KatiesKarma]

4 minutes ago, mandyjw said:

Well when you feel an emotion sit down, express it, write about IT, not where you are or what you think you are, but the emotion and thoughts around the emotion, and work your way up the scale. 

Is there anger, blame around this? Express it. Not TO anyone, express it for yourself. 

3 minutes ago, mandyjw said:

Well when you feel an emotion sit down, express it, write about IT, not where you are or what you think you are, but the emotion and thoughts around the emotion, and work your way up the scale. 

Is there anger, blame around this? Express it. Not TO anyone, express it for yourself. 

I've really tried these sorts of things but it's not that simple, the most important thing for me would be to actually live a life first and experience some safety in social relations but that seems Impossible. No point in writing about my despair and whatnot isolated in my room

I don't think I have ever been truly angry in my life. Has my time come?

 

[mandyjw]

Just now, KatiesKarma said:

No point in writing about my despair and whatnot isolated in my room

 

Not to be a bitch, but whatcha doing right now in this thread then? You're doing it already, anyway. You are doing anything in your power to prevent releasing it. Sounds like doubt right now. "I doubt this will work." I need circumstances to change before I can feel better, but they aren't so I'm going to write about my circumstances and how they ARE rather than write and express and release how I feel. Even though I know my circumstances are caused by how I'm feeling. Put how you feel first for once. Everything follows. Not until. Emotions lead and run the show. 

[Breakingthewall]

@KatiesKarma have you tried mushrooms? they do miracles

[KatiesKarma]

42 minutes ago, Breakingthewall said:

@KatiesKarma have you tried mushrooms? they do miracles

The funny thing is I did everything. Weed, speed, cocaine, ecstasy, lsd except for shrooms.

I probably really did it in the wrong context, set and setting as these drugs did literally nothing for me. Except for again showing me how something is simply 'wrong' with me.

[SonataAllegro]

3 hours ago, KatiesKarma said:

- I've been stuck at Home reliving the same day for two years now, utterly alone. If i don't make some radical changes right now I will simply kill myself. I don't know when I socialized, when the last time was. I might have social anhedonia as well

 

This says it all. Make some radical changes. Throw yourself into the unknown and let it shock you awake. I suggest intense cold therapy and breath work. Do something that scares you. 

[Tristan12]

@KatiesKarma psychedelics could be a good way to help you process old trauma and work through emotions you have trouble working through on the surface. Specifically a mushroom/MDMA combo would be good as the molly makes the emotions lighter and easier to handle. If you already have experience with psychedelics then this could be a viable route for you.

Make sure to do your research first though on the psychedelics, such as the dosages. When you are using them for inner work like this you want to be careful and not do too much. Also you of course need to have a good setting, somewhere peaceful where you won't be bothered. Check out the book 'Psychedelic Psychotherapy' by R. Coleman. It's a really great and practical guide for how to do this work.