Writer's High

[mandyjw]

 

 

 

[mandyjw]

Confession, theoretically I find the emotional scale to be incredibly helpful. However actually using it as a tool has never clicked. Not sure it wIll. WHO KNOWS WHAT WILL HAPPEN. LATELY I REALLY ENJOY WRITING IN ALL CAPS. I DON'T KNOW WHY.

I am feeling discouraged. I've tried blaming people, so far has been unsuccessful. Those assholes. They won't comply. Can't decide which one is at fault for long either. 

I don't know about journaling publicly or posting on youtube. A get a rush or energy from it, that I can't seem to find on my own. And I think like there's something very wrong with me because of this. 

I heard this song today. I generally dislike the song because obviously the singer is in a place of anger. Today a line jumped out at me though. 

Song "Good 4 You" 

Well, good for you, you look happy and healthy
Not me, if you ever cared to ask
Good for you, you're doing great out there without me, baby
God, I wish that I could do that
 

I wish I could be unconditional! I am. Alright, worry. What am I supposed to do convince myself I'm worried? I am skeptical. I'm worried that I will say the wrong thing. I'm worried that I won't be ok on my own, that I won't be happy and will wither and die, and life has been lonely enough so I have to be out kicking asses, taking names and enlightening the world (har har) or my LIFE IS A WASTE. 

Doubt. Oh yes, I doubt a lot of things. I doubt that I can even find a solution that feels satisfactory. I doubt myself. 

Disappointment. I'm really fucking disappointed in so many things. Oh this one hits hard. Nothing turned out how it was supposed to. From the Christmas tree this year that got knocked over several times and never looked how I envisioned, to my relationships, to the trajectory of this forum and my own endeavors ensuing. It's a great big fucking disappointment. The fact that I couldn't maintain my hatred for country music is disappointing. Daddy isn't superman. The religion I was given as a child turned out to be false and all the love and church was fake. It was fake. I made fantastic friendships and connected and was told to fuck off. They disappear. I'm left with nothing. Nothing. Nothing. 

Overwhelm. Jesus FUCK, I'm always overwhelmed. I haven't bothered to comb my hair and this day did not get checked off the things that needed to be done. Do I know what I'm making for supper? No. 

Frustration/Irritation/impatience Kids are on screen break free time. Dog is eating a soccer ball. I don't know if any of this is helpful. 

Pessimism Y'all go to hell mother fuckers. I don't believe this works. It's just convincing myself. All this is fake. All of it. 

Boredom Gray and blah and gray and blah. I don't DO boredom. Yeah ok, I'm bored, AF. No one wants to play with me. No one wants to make anything. It's too boring to do on my own. 

Contentment, easy, 80's music.

Hopefulness. HOPE IS A TRICK. I know that things are always working out for me.

Optimism  I know that some amaaaazing things are in the works. I don't need to know, now do I want to know all of what they are. I love surprise. I love the twists and turns. I love that this is unfolding, for no one and out of no thing. 

Ok, this was mostly laborious, helpful, but disappointment triggered something, hit hard and wasn't on my radar, AT ALL. I must have been avoiding feeling disappointment. 

Why would I be resistant to expressing disappointment? Because I know that it was caused by my having expectations and ambitions and these things are WRONG and I feel wrong for having "had" them. "I" "KNOW" "better" than that. Therefore I am not allowed to express disappointment and admit it to myself. Also, because I didn't want to let go of them by admitting that they were in fact disappointments. 

disappoint (v.)

mid-15c., disappointen, "dispossess of appointed office," from dis- "reverse, opposite of" + appoint, or else from Old French desapointer "undo the appointment, remove from office" (14c., Modern French from désappointer). Modern sense of "to frustrate the expectations or desires of" is from late 15c. of persons; of plans, etc., "defeat the realization or fulfillment of," from 1570s, perhaps via a secondary meaning of "fail to keep an appointment."  https://www.etymonline.com/word/disappoint?ref=etymonline_crossreference 

I'm disappointing myself from being responsible for everything going right. I'm letting go of this position. YOU'RE FIRED. YOU CAN'T FIRE ME, I QUIT FIRST. 

How do I really feel though? This realization, of what I "really" am faaaaar, faaaaaaaaar, FAAAAAAAAAAR exceeded any expectations I had. I didn't have any. I never expected this! This is far, FAR, FAR better than anything I've ever dreamed to expect. I did nothing to achieve this. This is unexpectable bestowed on me, and this isn't anything I can lose. 

But it's ok, to feel disappointed sometimes. Well, THAT was unexpected. 

[mandyjw]

So I demonize, resist and am unwilling to feel disappointment and hopefulness because of my spiritual ego.

I AM ABOVE THESE HUMAN EMOTIONS, YOU PISSANTS. 

Interesting. 

[mandyjw]

"What you're always doing is defending, justifying or rationalizing when you're headed upstream." https://youtu.be/hoWITfgINRA

I ended my last video "and there's nothing disappointing about that whatsoever." Fresh comment this morning to remind me. 

Someone just take me out back and shoot me? 

K, Insecurity/Guilt/Unworthiness 

Jealousy, I'm jealous of teachers who don't shit on their own work. I'm jealous of people who weren't raised by parents who were always doubting themselves. I'm jealous of people who don't apologize or feel the need to apologize. 

Hatred/Rage I hate these people. I hate them for misleading. I hate Leo for teaching a whole bunch of perspectives that leave people feeling horrible and suicidal and doing nothing to stop it but saying "don't make a mockery of this work." It makes me furious. 

Revenge Uhmmm... Posting this on the forum. Revenge? How is revenge an emotion Abraham? I'll shit on your emotional scale and get revenge for also being shitty teacher. Ha ha ha! I'm making a mockery of this work. Goddamn, now I'm amused. I'm AMUSED. I'm supposed to be focused on feeling like shit. This is so fucking brilliant Abraham! Sheer brilliance. Ok.

Anger Yeah it's normal to be amused when you're angry. I'm still angry. I don't understand what the fuck is going on here. I don't like that I feel like flawed premises were imposed on me. Am I a pioneer? Or did someone forge this path? Cause you did a shitty fucking job! Am I part of the Donner party? 

Discouragement This is where I STARTED LAST NIGHT. Only BACK WHERE I STARTED. How discouraging. Again, I don't see any clarity here, I don't see any direction. I can't see through this fucking blizzard. You said this was a SHORTCUT. 

Blame It's a whole lot of people's fault for not listening to their feelings. My grade school teacher's fault for destroying my confidence. Blame feels shitty. I don't like to throw my power away by blaming others, but really the whole of human civilization fucked up big time. Can't blame it on any one. Why. Why. Why.

Worry This seems like a strange jump. I'm worried that life is written like Game of Thrones. That good doesn't win but it's just a whole lot of shocking random fuckery. I'm worried I will have to feel disappointment. 

Doubt I almost quit right here. I doubt this is working. How hilarious.

Disappointment Again, Game of Thrones. I believed in progression. I see evidence of progression, but I am seeing a lot that is not progressing in linear fashion and I am disappointed. 

Overwhelm, I shouldn't be doing this, there's so much I need to do instead. I think I'm the one doing it. 

Frustration I don't like following these guidelines. The dog got my chair wet. There's nothing I can DO that will solve "this". My projection of emotional discord is my own emotional discord. I'M not progressing. I'M a mess. 

Pessimism Tragedies happen in beautiful places. It is Game of Thrones. 

Boredom What's there to do about it? 

Contentment I do enjoy the drama, the expression of it. I love that Dr.P's mansion burned down in a huge fire 100 years ago. It's perfection. I love chaos. Is this pessimism, or am I just sick? Reminds me of asking myself if the contraction I felt was really warmth of if I was just sick? Where does the idea "I'm sick" becuse I'm not suffering come from? I'm not allowed to NOT feel bad about misfortune. I'm a witch. The devil. Chaos magic. Sick. Who enjoys Game of Thrones. A lot of people, apparently. Sick. It's sick. 

Obviously we skipped some emotions and we're still in pessimism. 

Honesty, you're a brutal bitch. You feel kinda good though. 

Kinda? What's this "kinda" shit? We feel really good. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[mandyjw]

How do you express boredom? Oh. That's another I don't let myself feel cause spiritual ego. I'm bored. Ah. I'm allowed to feel bored! Really though I'm never bored. Who is talking? Who knows? Who is the one who is bored? Wisdom is the biggest fuckery. 

FUCKERY. It's all fuckery. 

Why else is it pronounced wis-dumb? 

HA! I'm on to you! 

Who? 

I ALWAYS KNEW I WAS DUMB! VERY DUMB! I KNEW IT! I KNEW IT!

You knew...  as in you were intelligent enough to know that you are dumb? 

YES! 

Oh.... I entertain myself because I don't like to feel boredom. That's another one. Is it wrong to not want to feel boredom?

No, but if you're willing to suffer for it, you'll know cause you suffer. There really is no boredom, but you can't tell a child who believes the monster is the cause of their fear that there is no monster and have the fear disappear.  

Bore-dumb! Snicker 

*Italicized face palm*

 

[mandyjw]

We would pass on our own discordant views and beliefs, as teachers, parents and friends rather than doubt them ourselves. 

Doubt is a beautiful, beautiful thing. Naturally, someone who doubts would be very inclined to doubt himself. But what if he went so far as to doubt the very efficacy of the self he was doubting? 

What is Source can have no source. 

[mandyjw]

Take me back, take me back. It's a revolution, we only go forward but we always come back around. 

Force, farce, or Source? 

What is Source, can have no Source. 

I'm supposed to be making sandwiches. 

Maybe the idea that there's something wrong with you, is what's wrong. What is Source, can have no source. 

https://youtu.be/XjGbPRleP7Y

Seems a bit convoluted, but Source, I love the way you love me. 

It's funny how adults turn into children again. You look in a child's eyes, (preferably one that isn't yours) and it's pure delusion, pure innocence and there are no expectation. You're just in awe of this wonderous creature, exploring, making dumb mistakes, pretending, imagining, and you see the perfection in it.

When did it change for us? 

Take me back, take me back. It's a revolution, we only go forward but we always come back around. 

[mandyjw]

LOVE FEELS LIKE LOVE.

"We cannot acknowledge the perfection of where you stand while we condemn where you came from."

FUCK. "Most people know that blame feels better than guilt." 

The entire spiral dynamics model is blown out of the water by the emotional scale. 

[mandyjw]

Ha. Erasure. era sure.

If you decontextualize anything with the word nothing in it, it becomes a pointer. There's Nothing to worry about. In other words, nothing is worth paying attention to except for Awareness/Nothing. Oooo! I like it. I like it. Pay attention to the sense "I Am".

I feel a sense of longing. It's easy to bulldoze over it, saying "yes, you long because everything is here, "I Am". But the thought turning it into an ideal or a solution isn't it. The longing itself already needs no solution. 

I saw a stone in the cemetery with "Thine yet to love" engraved on it, and I thought it was brilliant. 

Ohh.. nausea. Impulse to think up a story of explanation about my possible past life. Wondering what people are thinking, feeling dumb. Don't think about that! This is a lot, a lot. I have to change everything. Everything. Everything. "feeling dumb" is not  a phrase I want in my vocabulary. It's numb. Overwhelm. 

Damn, the longing was doubt! DAMN. 

You ask and it is given. 

For real! Is real. I wanted to know what that emotion really was. 

Consciousness is not a linear progression because it is not a perspective nor is it limited by dimensions. The disappointment is a facet of greater glory. It cannot be seen from your vantage point if you hold to a perspective limited by dimensions though.  

 

[mandyjw]

 I'm feeling like a 3 or a 4. However, super curious about a lot of things, and not sure about what I'm wanting to explore. 

You do not need a circumstance to resolve before you can feel better, in fact, it's the other way around if anything. You do not need to understand something to drop the question, in fact the answer can't come until you do. Last night I was feeling pretty bad and had dinner with my sister and her husband, who she just legally married. I'm really happy about this. I always wished I had had a brother. I was feeling pretty shitty about stuff, and the conversation and kids, and Christmas exchange was so much of distraction that it just couldn't hold. I love their house, there's so much to appreciate and look at. Stepped out to leave and there's Orion in perfect view. The stars were phenomenal. This time of year I think sucks so much but seriously there's an energy the intense cold has that is just cleansing. 

All of this is attributing circumstances to the feeling result, is it not? I "need" to get out of the house, the time of winter affects me, I need conversation, I need the company of others. I need to drop thoughts.

Oooh. Are we going there? WHY, YES WE ARE. 

Maybe I don't even have to fucking drop the thoughts. Am I the devil? Yes. Yes, I AM the devil. 

Ah... Such a relief. 

Well that was unexpected. 

I think I just let go of a thought. ?‍♀️

"What I believe I need to be, or do or have to be happy." 

The COMPLETE impotence of thought IS its power. There is no authority behind it, which is EXACTLY its authority. If you give authority to another, your giving it IS the authority. If you give the power of happiness to a circumstance, if you believe happiness is caused or things or actions are required to make you happy, you FEEL the LACK of your power as you have given it away, not the lack of the thing. The felt lack is exactly the proof of its presence. 

 

[mandyjw]

You've got unconditional consent but you deny you have it. 

My sister said last night that after she ate wheat accidently she was very depressed, she had all these thoughts about her career and her relationships. She recognized that the cause was the wheat, it was what she ate, and that it was not the the relationship or her career, or the subject of the thoughts that were causing the horrible feeling. They were not true. It was the wheat.

However, it was not the wheat. That was one more thought. One more "cause." 

The first step to realizing that happiness is uncaused is to see how food affects your mood. In the end, food does not affect you. 

“Very truly, I tell you, unless you eat the flesh of the Son of Man and drink his blood, you have no life in you."

Eat up. 

[mandyjw]

Sometimes you mistake someone being moody as someone being deep. Sometimes you mistake someone being happy for something you don't have. 

 

[mandyjw]

I adore Abraham's "two piles" analogy lately. 

Forget who is is wise and unwise, forget republicans and democrats, forget spiral dynamics stages, forget conscious or unconscious, there's only under the influence of Source or not. 

Ultimately, you are ONLY Source, but paying attention to your alignment of it is everything. 

Otherwise there are teachers, there are gurus, there are people who need saving, and we're back to the Christian paradigm of needing to sacrifice ourselves to save everyone. Or the one needing to be saved.

I'm feeling disappointed. I saw something by someone I really, really respect, and it wasn't good, it was off. It was accidently misleading and condescending. It wasn't anyone's "fault" but... ugh. There just aren't teachers anymore. I'm free to be the biggest fuck up that ever lived. I'm free to be as awkward as I want. I could sit on stage, say nothing and fart and still enlighten people, because even the most eloquent, perfectly chosen words are just as effective. 

This is the same analogy that hit me a journal long ago, but it replayed in my experience. I went across the stream on a fallen log and I used the thin branches to steady myself. I know that it's purely psychological, they they won't keep me from falling, but instantly it steadies me. I went across the but my dog wouldn't follow. I went back and tried to pull him along by the collar and he balked. Eventually I went right up to him and he followed me by example. 

Sometimes you need an example. Sometimes you need something to hang on to. And sometimes you realize that you don't. You don't need to rush to that point. But sometimes, it's just not there, and you realize, like the baby bird flown out of the nest, that it was you. All along.  

I'm looking around and no one is there. There are faces and those I love, but the leader vanished in the mist.

In the missed. Oooo... 

 

Edited January 17, 2022 by mandyjw

[mandyjw]

Maid of the mist. Made of the missed. 

[mandyjw]

Watching Sex, Love, Goop on Netflix. One of the therapists told the woman when she was telling herself "relax" but it was another thing she was failing to live up to consider "intention vs impact". Immediately I was like "DAMN that's such an intelligent way to explain what I try to teach people constantly." So if you're shouting "relax" at yourself, and it's actually stressing you out more, you've missed the intention. Just like Will Ferrell's everybody love everybody meme. It's funny cause it misses the mark. 

I think that people believe that repression is caused by religion but from experience, the idea of one being "repressed" is exactly where the repression lies. Sex is not one category cut off from everything else. The wrong idea of beauty and attraction and self image is where repression lives, although religion creates extra conflict. You've got society saying to be sexual and open and cool and chill, but it translates for us so often as "RELAX you uptight FUCKING BITCH!". 

When one of the women realized she was "bracing" I just bawled. Women (and men) try to please so hard, and try so hard to be "ok" we forget out own pleasure, we forget out own wellbeing and we forget that we can say no and be ok. Medical exams aimed to prevent horrible things that are expected are to be frank, presented in a horrific way that totally bypasses consent. Pap tests for women, prostrate exams for men, colonoscopys, etc. Technically the consent is there, but when it's motivated from fear, and fear of death it's really bulldozed over. The essence of consent is throw away. Ultimately no one can take your consent, not science, no doctors, not anyone else, which is why believing they can feels so awful. 

consent (v.)

c. 1300, "agree, give assent; yield when one has the right, power, or will to oppose," from Old French consentir "agree; comply" (12c.) and directly from Latin consentire "agree, accord," literally "feel together," from assimilated form of com "with, together" (see con-) + sentire "to feel" (see sense (n.)).

?

 

[mandyjw]

That's a topic that terrorized me most of my life. I also felt like I couldn't talk about it, because I just had these thoughts that I was so deeply repressed and obsessed and fucked in the head. I "should" be ok with it. I see how it's connected with the need for authority, the need for a teacher, giving them the right to tell me if I'm ok or not, and doing things out of fear that I don't want to be doing. And feeling totally powerless. 

In another scene in the show, the woman freezes up and the therapist asks if she wants to put her clothes back on. I so related to the pressure she was feeling, to be "cool" and open and confident... to appear that way, not to "be" it. Faking it, not taking the time to truly feel into it and be ok, is exactly what I want to stop doing. 

It's such a relief. 

It's such a relief that I don't have to secure my place among others, I don't have to be anything for anybody. I don't know why but I'm not getting a "kick" from that last statement like I'd like. It feels slightly forced. 

What's my list of things I have to do to be "ok"? Why am I so afraid of making mistakes? Of fucking it up? 

Holy shit. I gave Thought Art all kinds of shit for his perspective, worrying about making mistakes. Here I am, desperately wanting to pull myself out of the same.  @Thought Art sorry, hon. 

 

[mandyjw]

This perpetual doubt. "What should I DO?" "What is the right action?"  You CAN just fucking sit and do nothing. No tidal wave will sweep you over, and if it does fine. Such a fucking relief! You can sit with no thought and it's the best fucking joy and openness you can feel. How come no one told me? Maybe they did. Maybe I fucked up the intention and the impact. I'm sorry. 

I'm sick of running. It's as if duality was a powerful devil speaking in my ear my entire life, and I rushed and rushed and did his bidding. No one told me, he wouldn't tell me, he couldn't tell me, I could just sit still. 

 

[mandyjw]

SIT STILL. RELAX!!! EVERYBODY LOVE EVERYBODY!

Intention VS Impact.

[mandyjw]

I'm jealous of the people who have time and clear access to take psychedelics. I'm jealous of people who can travel. I'm jealous of people who are confident moving around the world and traveling. I'm jealous of people who grew up in areas that have access to services, education, lots of interesting people, and who grew up with parents that demonstrated confidence with travel and social situations. I'm jealous of single people who have the time and freedom to do what they like. I'm jealous of people who have the money to travel how they want. 

I'm ashamed of where I come from. 

Where did you come from? What is Source can have no source. How could you be ashamed of "where you came from" and not feel awful about the misunderstanding? 

[Myioko]

@mandyjw

Thanks for sharing your videos, you have a really unique perspective and a way with connecting metaphors, emotions and words.

 

I took a look at the scale a while ago and was very confused by it so I like hearing your thoughts on it. I diagnose myself as being thoroughly a 1-22. 'Doubt' is a sneaky one isn't it, haha. Anger is surprisingly large on the scale, spreading out to four points.

I hope your Christmas tree is excellently perfect next year. 

TYPING ALL IN CAPS IS VERY ENJOYABLE FOR PEOPLE, YES  I think I remember you writing once how swearing felt nice as well. I'm happy to say that my swearing level has gone up +3 since then and I've been swearing like a sailor (at least in my own mind...)

I spontaneously wrote a silly poem for you that makes no sense. If I'm shit posting too much on your journal right now just let me know.

 

Maid of the Mist

The maid of the mist was a woman of grey

Her cloak fine and silver, her hair bright as day

She wandered the forest in her ghostly attire 

Singing out loud for her one true desire

 

'I desire an outlook that is steady and there

But all I get is the other, my mirror's NOT fair

For out is for in as for look is for sight. In-sight is out

Of my line of delight.'

 

I turn over my mirror and see something strange

My insight is out and my outlook is in,

How exciting, how delighting, now my

Ex sight ment is there.

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RVmG_d3HKBA

Edited January 18, 2022 by Myioko