Writer's High

[mandyjw]

@Myioko Absolutely not shit posting, that was all so on and perfect and thoroughly appreciated, thank you! 

In sight and ex sight... damn! ?

I went to bed last night kinda annoyed I wasn't able to express any anger.  What you pointed out about it being a really big part of the scale is quite striking.

Relax, take it easy
For there is nothing that we can do
Relax, take it easy
Blame it on me or blame it on you

 

 

[mandyjw]

2 hours meditation, sloppy insights, although the best stuff isn't an insight.

Thoughts hit like aliens attacking in a computer game, in meditation the thoughts come slow enough to deal with and learn how the game works. it's like we're thrown into life and say "I can handle it!" and turn up the difficulty level to max before learning how to properly deal with a single alien ship. Then we wonder what went wrong.  

Self love could "prevent" all misunderstandings. Out of loyalty and aversion, I learned to work hard and deny my own true desires. One incident when I was 15 and overheard my Dad say I was lazy and how did "THEY" raise a lazy kid, I was gutted. I learned to work and avoid by working my ass off. I'd prove him wrong.  I didn't see or know that the comment felt awful because it wasn't true. What kind of parents expect a 15 year old to do no social stuff, nothing fun or expanding whatsoever and work in a fucking cemetery in all their spare time? I didn't see how much his identity was wrapped in in being a hard worker because he accepted the same faulty message from his parents. 

I'm mad that I was too afraid and too loyal to ask for an actual childhood. I'm mad that I didn't go on the art weekend out of fear and out of being afraid they wouldn't be able to take care of a FUCKING CEMETARY without me. I'm mad that he literally controlled out of fear every aspect of my life. I'm mad that I just plain old didn't know, if a thought feels bad, it's not about you. I'm mad that I compensated for it. I'm mad at myself for trying to perpetuate the same thing and have the same expectations of my husband. I think the whole fucking country is realizing that its identity is not one of being "hard workers". I'm mad that I just didn't follow what felt right to me. 

I did a lot. I really did. I'm sick and fucking tired of living on the end of the earth. 

It's funny to know that a CEMETARY was the first clue to there being a world out "there". Out there, really, really out there. Life is so good. It's so full circle. It's so funny. I really missed out on nothing. 

You don't have to fight the aliens after all. They are friends. 

Well then, anger and tears streaming down my face, or peaceful post meditation buzz, I don't know if there's a difference or a preference anymore. 

[mandyjw]

Crazy how often we miss the path of least resistance in trying to know and conform to "THE SOLUTION." Often this is secondary to the belief of inferiority, which tries to resolve itself in finding a leader. "He's got it, she's got it, he don't got it, she don't got it, I certainly know I don't got it.  

 

[mandyjw]

What is Source can have no source. If we blame a person or circumstance for making us feel bad in the moment we are asserting that it has a source, therefore we assert that the bad feeling was asserted on us. When we understand that feeling is guidance, feeling itself, directly IS SOURCE we see how (love)d we really are. All our power is in the surrender. 

Action can be driven out of insecure thoughts, action to check our messages, to grab at pleasure, to check how well our sales or youtube is doing, to secure, to look, to work towards, to find the love that was presumed to be missing, we go on a wild goose hunt for exactly what is searching. If instead feel the pang of pain that thought came along with the thought, (hey, I disagree, that's not how I feel about you." we would not be compelled to search for our love. 

[mandyjw]

Holy shit. It works both ways. I can let people be mad at me. Or hate me. And I am always ok. Mandy is going to be the most spiritual goddess saint martyr, and she is going to please everyone! She will fully know it's not personal when she is mad at people, it has nothing to do with THEM but she will feel like utter shit when others are mad at her. She will need everyone to like her in order to feel loved. Really this is just hiding her fear, because she's really honestly afraid of someone hurting her in some way. Or simply afraid of the feeling of being unloved. Womenkind (women be kind) have lived with this for centuries. Always say yes, Yes, yes yes. Yes sir. If you snap apologize as quickly as possible. "I was wrong!" So she'll cover over her fear in needing to control how others feel. She'll throw herself under the bus, submit, submit, submit, because she won't submit to her fear, and the direct feeling of being unloved, which is only the very assurance of Unconditional Love. 

https://youtu.be/aU5aDqLUvug

I'll know my thoughts are just shit but I'll worry about everyone else's. What a tangled web. 

[mandyjw]

Let's raise girls to be good, kind and perfect. Let's also sexualize them and when they try to be good and perfect we'll call them repressed. If someone makes a woman think she is sexually repressed because her partner or whoever tells her so, and she feels negative emotion in response to that but does not listen to the love and direct feeling that is that emotion, she is repressing in that moment. Out of that repression she may go ahead with things she isn't truly curious about or desiring to do just to please him and/or prove to herself and him that she isn't repressed.

All action done this way is repression. I created an identity of being a hard worker when I accidently overheard my Dad making comments about how lazy I was when I was young. Rather than listening to the feeling that in that moment was screaming "NO! That's his stuff! That's how HE was raised, that's not True!!" I tried to turn myself into someone who he would NEVER be able to make that comment about again. Exhausting. 

It also might be the contrast that brings about what is wanted. I did not want to manual labor I wanted a creative business. We're so hot and bothered to fix what isn't broken instead of creating a new.  If someone calls you repressed it might spark the thought "hmm... maybe I'm closed minded about some things because I absorbed a whole lot of conflicting messages." In my absorption of messages from my Pastor AND MTV, and my classmates and Tyra Banks and Jerry Fallwell and my bad boy boyfriend, I'm a TOTAL WHORE. 

Oh! I love it thought! You make an instant hypocrite out of everyone. Oh wait, that's just Me. 

I'm just here to make you happy. NO! FUCKING NO! Happy doesn't need you or me. 

FUCK YOU ALL. 

Not like that. 

 

 

Edited January 25, 2022 by mandyjw

[mandyjw]

https://youtu.be/mYpjJ3TiJuA

It seems like everyone is dying lately. https://youtu.be/9X_ViIPA-Gc RIP Meatfloaf. And Thich Naht Hahn. Neighbor across the street who I just only within the past year got to wave to me and was so happy about. And awesomely woke bead lady I made that penguin bead for who liked my insane blog post about Dr.P. How connected we all are. What a blessing we are to everyone in our extraordinary diversity. It's fucking unreal and I know I only have a small glimpse of it. No I don't, I don't know that. 

You're almost as ruthless of a bullshit radar detector as my own guidance. But you know what? I'm really sick of being terrified of talking with you. I'm really sick of caring so much what you think. Of the utter unpredictability. What's the point of pointing out the flaws in everyone? Why? Why? Why the contrast? 

What do you want?

I want the pure feeling of confidence, openness, love. I want love. I want the balls to say what I wanna say and not fear that I'll regret it. I wanna be ok. I just wanna feel ok. No, I don't want to feel ok, I want to feel fucking AMAZING! Like Calvin in that strip. I wanna stop wondering if I'm a fuck up. 

"We are a blessing to everyone in our extraordinary diversity."

Oh fuck you! 

"I want the balls to say what I wanna say and not fear that I'll regret it." Was just showing, you already have that. 

Yeah I do. I have every fucking thing I ever wanted, and I want to want more. 

Don't try to rip apart attachments our of repression. Get more attached, like a babe to the breast of Source. Everything is Holy, everything is light, it is in its essence. It's not your business to sort them all out. What more do you want? Tee hee hee, get it, what more do you want, what MORE do you want?  We are a double entendre simply because aren't two. 

I want to fucking relax. I want to feel excitement, not fear. I want our's not mine. Why is everyone allowed to be perfect but me?

You see perfect, Perfect. Perfect, meet perfect, you're ignoring that imperfection is Perfect. You're going to demonize yourself over a strong emotional response you don't want? REALLY? What's the response responding to? WHO is it afraid of?

Me. 

Not even. 

I'm doing a cleanse, and I feel LESS CONSCIOUS. 

Less conscious. You feel less conscious? 

I'm full of shit. 

Seems like the cleanse is working. 

clean (adj.)

Old English clæne "free from dirt or filth, unmixed with foreign or extraneous matter; morally pure, chaste, innocent; open, in the open," of beasts, "not forbidden by ceremonial law to eat," from West Germanic *klainja- "clear, pure" (source also of Old Saxon kleni "dainty, delicate," Old Frisian klene "small," Old High German kleini "delicate, fine, small," German klein "small;" English preserves the original Germanic sense), perhaps from PIE root *gel- "bright, gleaming" (source also of Greek glene "eyeball," Old Irish gel "bright"). But Boutkan doubts the IE etymology and that the "clean" word and the "small" word are the same.

"Largely replaced by clear, pure in the higher senses" [Weekley], but as a verb (mid-15c.) it has largely usurped what once belonged to cleanse. Meaning "whole, entire" is from c. 1300 (clean sweep in the figurative sense is from 1821). Sense of "not lewd" (as in good, clean fun) is from 1867; that of "not carrying anything forbidden" is from 1938; that of "free of drug addiction" is from 1950s. To come clean "confess" is from 1919, American English.

Come clean, confess. What do I have to confess? I've made all sorts of things I mist confess. Must not miss, miss speller. Made of the missed. There's nothing to confess, nothing to come clean about. Is there?

Meaning "whole, entire" is from c. 1300 (clean sweep in the figurative sense is from 1821).

Where does it end? What more do you want? 

[mandyjw]

https://youtu.be/1elKHIFohzM

 

Alright NOT TWO. TELL ME. What's the difference between "do what feels good!", "only do what you feel like" "follow your intuition, follow your heart" and contrast and challenge. What's the difference between listening to my favorite song, and eating chocolate, or doing a challenging run, or a long meditation sit, or a cleanse where I starve myself for 9 days. Hmm...? What's the difference? What's the difference between tricking yourself that you're "intuitively eating" and eating too much butter and trusting in someone ELSE'S authority for what's right for your body? I'm utterly confused. What's the difference between Abraham Hicks and a teacher that slaps you around to the point that you don't even know what the word abuse means anymore? Is that the point? Is that the intent? 

We do not see it in such a dramatic light as you see it. We see no difference. Is not challenge satisfying? 

Yes, unless I make a huge deal out of it and say things like "starve myself".

We don't know a difference between maternal love or paternal love. We don't know a difference between nurture and correction. You made a mistake which was actually a misunderstanding and pulled out in front of a tractor trailer. A stress response arose and was seen for the bliss it was. Let it go. Let it fly. 

I don't KNOW what to do.

Greater desire for clarity, creates a whole lot of clarity. Do you know what to do in this seemingly mundane moment?   

Yes. 

Then you already have the essence of what you seek. 

 

[mandyjw]

I realized why being a parent is so... whatever. It makes you CRAZY to know that you want to be loving this perfect little being, but you haven't been loving. You've been annoyed, worried, whatever. Love feels like love. No settling. A child... what a reminder! 

Jesus Christ. That's exactly why my youtube comments annoy the fuck out of me. My kids annoy the... 

Goddamn it. 

Utter fucking perfection Source. You've done it again. 

We didn't do it. 

 

[mandyjw]

 

[Esilda]

On 18/01/2022 at 8:33 AM, mandyjw said:

I'm jealous of the people who have time and clear access to take psychedelics. I'm jealous of people who can travel. I'm jealous of people who are confident moving around the world and traveling. I'm jealous of people who grew up in areas that have access to services, education, lots of interesting people, and who grew up with parents that demonstrated confidence with travel and social situations. I'm jealous of single people who have the time and freedom to do what they like. I'm jealous of people who have the money to travel how they want. 

I'm ashamed of where I come from. 

Where did you come from? What is Source can have no source. How could you be ashamed of "where you came from" and not feel awful about the misunderstanding? 

I agree with@Myioko . Feel free to light up this place we need more positive energy people raising the vibration of the community! I still remember the encouragement you gave me last year for working on my public speaking and confidence . Every word we say can be touching and you were to me, thank you for taking your time out to fill my sometimes disorganised brain with your wisdom! 

[mandyjw]

@Esilda

❤ Thank you so much!

 

 

Edited March 17, 2022 by Leo Gura

[mandyjw]

 

 

https://youtu.be/nVEzIjGM2eU