Living My Life To The Fullest- Honoring My Life

Yoremo · January 23, 2022

why do I want to watch movies? Well, it gives me comfort and a emotional adventure which I like and which I am not experiencing that often in my own life. Movies give me a sense of purpose and clarity in some weird way, it enables me to get absorbed by the movie and not think about my own life, to not be conscious and take responsibility. And for some reason, responsibility and consciousness is some of those things which are really good for you and feels VERY good when you have gotten momentum, but the thought of starting that process of higher responsibility and consiousness is always so negative and gives very bad emotions. Why is it that things that are good for me + I know will feel good AFTER a while (not momentarily) doesn´t seem so appealing to me before I have started doing them? A theory without any own experience: humans prioritize instant satisfaction over long term satisfaction, because this benefited humans when we were more primal. Fuck that though. My experience: I am afraid. The feeling of uncertainty, unclarity and just the overwhelming feeling of the realization "oh, I need to go out of my comfort zone". I am afraid of all of these things and I do not just want to take action without analyzing and theorizing and "coming up with the perfect plan and execution". I want it to work, and also I just feel some resistance to it. There is a tug of war between 1. the me that wants to get better and build a better life. 2. the me that wants to cling to comfort and a sense of home and security. I guess the 2 is the ego talking. Fuck is my ego strong in a negative way. So movies are really a way of me being unconscious, like youtbe really. Because when I am watching youtube or movies I encounter myself being in a complete brain fog, a complete trans by the thing I am watching. I am not seeing what is shown, I am not listening to what is said. I am just a being just sitting there starring into a computer screen like I completely forgot my mind at home or something. And when I do that I usually feel sad because I know deep down what I am doing. I am hiding away from life. The life that should be the thing that is... life. The great life. Now becomes a contest where I am competing with others "how can I be as mindless and brainwashed and apathic as possible?". It is a disgusting liking of apathy. Yes, I do like it in some bizarre way, + that I am probably deeply disconnected from the truth and what I want to do.

What I wrote above is encapsulating my youtbue and movie addiction in the perspective of "why tf do. I do it?" — because of the unconsciousness, lack of responsibility, lack of creativity, lack of connectedness to reality and mindnumbing and disconnection from my life. And youtube and movies provide a seemless solution for this (this, btw, is just what my lower self wants. My higher self is fucking dying by doing this) and makes it seem like I have less control and they are sweeping my mind into obliviousness and apathy and to a passive state. This is my lower self and my trauma and negative beliefs that are trying to protect me from doing something "bad" that I will regret, in other words making me not fail or make my trauma worse.

Can I solve this by the 3 steps in my previous post? yes and no. The above 3 steps is a good method for a instantaneous abstaining from youtube and movies but for more long term thinking I would have to get rid of bad beliefs aswell as trauma (no major trauma in my life but still they are leaving a deep scar).

why do I mindlessly scroll the internet? Because it is a form of procrastination, which kind of seems like I am doing something important. Like when people in public look like they are doing something important on their phone in public but really they are just insecure and wants to not look like they are doing nothing and just being "weird". This is the same for when I am doing it as a form of procrastination, it kind of looks like I am doing something and being busy, but it is really just insecurity about going out and actually doing something.

can I use the above 3 steps? no, not the sedona method. Because that could become it´s own procrastination. It is more of work on emotions and more understanding about why I do not want to be active in my life and working on changing that. and of course life purpose is a part of that equation. But to change it fundamentally I need to change my emotions, to change it at the surface level I need to just be disciplined and be conscious that I should do the work which is what I have done in the past. But the bad thing about approaching it in that way is that it never becomes automated, it is always something to keep in mind. Change your emotions however and make it automatic — you free up mental space to do other things and continue to achieve because if not, then you are a bit stuck here if you have to fight your urge to procrastinate all the time.

complaining. It is a thing that I do becasue it is harder to not complain. It is a way for me to keep conversations going and by doing that I internalize it and keep it with me even when I do not "need it" for social interactions. It is a way for me to not take responsibility and a escape from owning my life and to be the guy who says that he is responsible for how his life goes and everything that happens. This is a fuck up of emotions and beliefs and the solution is the same as with the one above.

Porn. Porn is weird. I quit porn a while ago and just masturbated but started again when I read the easy peasy method because my mind is weird. I can though say, after a month or two of no porn and to now watching porn 3 days in a row, I didn´t enjoy one single of those "sessions". And now I haven´t watched in 2 days because I didn´t think about it. I think I started doing it again because I thought about it when reading that book. What is porn doing for me? it is staisfying my imagination of having sex with someone, and this is important to me as I am still a virgin. porn is also a comforter when life isn´t going the way I want it to. Usually when something bad happens or something that frustrates me or gets me hopeless I tend to want to watch porn. it is one of those things which seem to be a great idea before hand but after it´s just like "wtf bro" and you just feel kind of dissapointed in the experience and in yourself. And for some reason jacking of to porn isn´t satisfying, but occasional jacking of to imagination does feel good.

stopping there, need to go to sleep... Have been not so up in this journaling, have been with my new dog mostly because he´s so god damn cute and he´s such a mood uplifter. But more of this journaling will come. Especially during this month. Will try and watch tv and stuff as little as possible, even though I feel my ego is resisting. But I will persevere and just try my best to meditate and journal and shadow work and sedona method etc. during this. goodnigth on ya

Yoremo · January 24, 2022

everything is going pretty good with how I envisioned my month to be, a good start. Feeling restless when I can´t watch youtube or something else but journaling and meditation does make me calmer so.

I have been thinking, why does the things whom are the best for me not make me inspired or driven or motivated? Is it that I am not attuned to it entirely? Because the possibiloity of life should be enough to make me jump out of bed and do everything with the greatest intent in every moment. It is so weird that I sometimes feel these "higher" feelings, but mostly I am satisfyied with watching youtube and watching other people living their lives, or doing some other sort of self sabotage. It might just be self sabotage actually, that I dislike myself and that I do not deem myself worthy of the life that I want. And without the self love there is no possibility to live a good life, because subconsciously I will resist it and I can´t fight against the current states of subconsciousness, I can only change it in the long term.

Why am I still in school? I am not very interested in what I am studying but I am still here because the amount of responsibility and shame etc. I would feel if I quit now would be too much to bear. If my mental state was more stable I would probably quit, but as of now I need to get into a better mental state to be able to cope with that challenge, and that is a motivqation in itself — to develop myself enough so that I can handle myself on my own and make a living of my purpose in life. This and getting physically healthy again is really the goals right now. But it is HARD, I feel so much resistance, if only there were no resistance this change would be so darn easy, but I guess resistance is always the factor holding back in any kind of development. How could I reduce the resistance? I feel resistance to the change in person. Maybe I need to spend more time "being" the person I want to be through something like visualization and journaling perhaps.

doing ice baths are getting increasingly enjoyable at every stage of the process. When I get in I get calm almost right away, I don´t know if I am supposed to breathe a lot when I am in the cold or not (because deep breathing makes you warmer? or no?) Anyhow, yesterday I was in for like 5 min and didn´t breathe deeply almost at all and it felt good, so must be okay. Will try out to do deep breathing or not. But I kind of "forget to do the deep breathing after a while, it just feels weird breathing deep when I am calm af in teh icy water so.. BUt gonna try and breathe deep for the next time and see if there is any difference.

Vibe at home is a lot better since the dog came home. Feeling a bit better about the home situation and hopefully it can last.

fucking hating being in school sometimes, because everybody is just so insecure and playing a game, where everyone tries to be cool and not do anything authentic or genuine, everybody is just being the normative person and avoiding expressing themselves at all. And can´t say I am different but with my self esteem I can´t. Not now, how the fuck could I do that now? I think that when my body is healed I will feel more secure, because that was my way of coping — having a functional and strong body. But I am being really insecure right now because I can´t fucking move sanely. But it is getting better, but I think I won´t focus on anything but getting my physicality in check. Which means emphazis on good training, good sleep, good recovery (which means I have to learn to relax) and good nutrition aswell as trying to cultivate good feelings in some way and probably going to do that through just doing th eschool work, doing the meotional work, and jussst doing fun stuff on the weekends and stuff and trying to not get tensed up, because I can sense that when I am getting tensed up that my body will start to hurt even more than when I am calm and relaxed, so it definitely has a major affect on my body. Trying to minimize stress levels and optimizing my breathing aswell. And that is basically it, can´t do anything else really until I have figured out my health. Can´t pursue a purpose until then. But I can look ut after things to do though, now so that I can try things out when I am healhy again. But this puts some pressure of and I can focus on just getting everything working for my body and mind.

Hmmm, aint I insecure. I need to find things which feel secure to me in my life and aren´t addictions like youtube which doesn´t produce a net positive result. Like guitar. Something like that. A purpose. Is a man without a purpose even a man? is kind of what I am feeling. I feel like a nobody. HAHA, one more week of having to deal with my anxiety in school, but I will try and feel the feelings in my body and be very present and accept and allow them to come into my conscius mind and do teh sedona method on them.

Yoremo · January 24, 2022

why does hard things feel negative? they don´t always, but sometimes they do. I feel that they feel the worst when I am NOT consciously breathing, embracing and accepting the pain and focusing on the thing that I am doing. It is the unfocused mind, the wavvering mind which doesn´t want to, or doesn´t "accept the feeling which will feel suffering. Otherwise you will only feel pain and a reduced amount aswell. Why does the mind resist something which is in it´s experience? if I feel pain, why does it not accept it? it is there, why is the mind disowning it? it is just such a weird thing to do. Is it that I am resisting the experience and "looking for a way out" or that I am not emotionally attuned to what I want to do and therefore I can´t accept the pain that is associated with the dream, goal or purpose which I have. What I do know is that relaxation, conscious breathing, focus and acceptance and allowance and feeling into the pain even more (which you intuitivly doesn´t want to do, atleast not me) gets rid of suffering. Suffering is just a certain way of experiencing pain, you don´t have to suffer through pain. How I like to look at it is viewing the pain and the painful activity as a form of meditation. Like a practice of calm and focusing of the mind and allowance and acceptance aswell. The most easy to spot activity of this according to me is physical excercise. For me, I am doing a very painful training regimen, and so I have been suffering a lot through the workouts and through the pain. But what I have discovered is that I can see the pain in any way I want, the pain is not as objective as I have thought. Yes, there is a objective feeling of pain somewhere in that experience, but add on your beliefs and expectations and resistance to the pain and you have the feeling of the pain + the feelings of the other stuff you are bringing along to the table.

What I need to work on however is doing something like this with other stuff, like journaling or so. But I feel this is the key to not be so bothered negatively by pain (when I have done this I have been very calm even during pain and it has somehow felt good.) But doing this on a regular basis aswell as in my daily life is the harder thing. And I am not sure I should "tolerate" pain in everything. Like, should I tolerate the pain associated with not following my purpose in life? No. And I guess the line of toleration should be that it can only be the process which should be tolerated, not the result. Because if the result is pain, then that is not something I should continue to strive for. The reason I am clarifying that is because I have and am in a very disciplined mindset, just do it. But doing that will make you blind for what you really want and more subtle details of life which you now miss out on.

Why do I let myself go? One thing I have noticed is that when I am about to let myself go (i.e watch youtube, eat shit foods etc.) then I have second thoughts about it. But I am ignoring them, I get conscious of the thought "is this what I want?" and then I might listen to it further, but sometimes I just shut of. And this is a conscious action, it is not that I am drawn to my addictions without me being conscious about it. I do know it, but sometimes I feel that abstaining is not worth it. And maybe this is a result of me approaching life in a wrong way, because if my mental state is optimal then I won´t really want to do stupid shit. I know this because I have been there, not wanting to eat shit food because I knew that I was going for something that if I were to succeed in that I would need to not eat shit food. And this wasn´t much of a disciplining of my mind kind of thing, it just never occured to me that I should do it, it seemed stupid and unnatural for me to do that. Was this because my self image was one of a person being healthy? Because that was definitely part of my self image. I was kind of proud to be healthy and to not be drawn to bad foods or even craving it. But now I can eat bad foods a lot easier. Why is it that I let myself go like this now, but not then? what has changed? One thing: a big part of my self image has gone (my vital physical body) and that has sent me down a negative mental state, could probably say it is a depression. another thing is that I now do not deem soccer to be a purpose of mine, I haven´t given it up, but it is not in the forefront of my mind and I feel very pessimistic about it and I feel this negative down spiral of actions and thoughts. This pessimism about life in general is giving me a feeling of hopelessness, lack of purpose and meaning aswell as a lack of care about my life. I don´t know if there is a word for it but I am just not caring as much whether things go well or bad for me as I did when I had soccer as a purpose. So mostly I think it is that I lack a purpose and reason to why I want to do or not do things. My motivations right now are very negative, they are the need to satisfy other people and so I do smy school work, adn that is my main motivation on that front. The other motivations I have is mainly my motivation to get a happy life and a fulfilled life and that is why I am doing ht epersonal development work aswell as other stuff, everything just do develop myself so that I cna get a better life. Having a purpose and meaning in life aswell as learning more and developing my mental processes should make me better as a human being. And I should also question why the fuck not do the "bad" stuff I am doing. I have to do that also to be able to be genuine, to find out what I want to do for myself, now if I come up with the answer that I want to eat junk food and play video games all day then maybe I can feel and indication of self deception but when I am in a higher state I need to be able to ask these questions and ask all of them and answer them honestly without any biases or beliefs or bullshit or emotional baggage or whatever. Now I am going to trrain yooo.

Yoremo · January 25, 2022

So just a small reflection. So I had a math test like 30 minutes ago. Felt really miserable and it went badly and my thoughts were like "why tf do I even do this anymore, I hate this." So I did a conscious experiment. I felt the craving to jack of, and so I did but remaining conscious. Before I was just a bit sad, afterwards I feel very insecure I feel a bit anxious and nervous and my thoughts are racing to negative thoughts instead of being stuck at one. Now my negativity spiraled more, and so maybe I can start stacking up the evidence that porn doesn´t give me anything, and that that is just a idea I have inside my head. So porn doesn´t make it better, it makes it worse. But the belief is that porn and jacking of will relieve something, but that is just a belief and my direct experience says otherwise, if I just look. I need to be aware when doing these things which I know are really making me feel bad, so I can correlate porn to something which makes me feel bad and therefore I should not do it.

Yoremo · January 26, 2022

So I have been getting quite deep into ww2 and mostly the leading figures in it. And I mostly care about the psychology of it. And it has awakened thoughts about death, purpose, death of others etc. So I thought I´d write about it.

So one thing I have been thinking about a lot is how a lot of people got killed during these times. And those who didn´t died from like the 50s to 2000s. And it kind of provokes a feeling of "why the fuck do anything?". You will die, no matter if you "escape" death in your early life, you will die. And it didn´t really evoke much melancholy, more of a feeling of "I have to do something" because I feel that I am taking my life for granted. And I feel that way because I am going to school not really liking what I am doing, and I hate that I am listening to these authorities. It´s like "you can follow our way of doing things if you´d like, it´s entirely voluntary. But if you don´t we will shame you and octrazise you to oblivion." That is what it feels like and I feel weak that I am following it because of this. Because I know that it is not that I like it. It is just that I am attached to following these rules. Really if I followed my feelings I would have done something entirely different, that is for sure. Because no matter what I would like to do I would not want to go to school, atleast not to my school as it is just so bad and wouldn´t match my ambitions, because whatever I do I always have high ambitions. But they leave you with that dilemma and I have now followed it for 1.5 years (for 1.5 years I have gone to school voluntarily although I don´t need to by law). I just feel like I need to do what comes to my mind and just DO and BE what I want to DO and BE. School is just such a bad environment where I am, everybody is so afraid and insecure and noone can really express themselves. Of course this has to do with the limitations I have puot on myself, but it has to do with my limits of handling the lashback of expressing myself. People will get after you verbally if you do that and they will freeze me out and stab me in the back. And it´s just such a lame life and "occupation" so to speak to have. I wish I could have ignored these feelings and peoples comments but the power of the many is too much for me I feel. I do not feel secure enough to be able to stand out from the crowd as MYSELF. And is this a good life???? no. Like I have one dude in my class which is actually interested in what we are doing, but he doesn´t seem to live really well either. He is just stuck in stupid "science paradigms". And he´s just a judgmental bitch doing homework although I think that he likes it quite a lot. But that is only one person in my whole class, everyone else is miserable just being in scool, myself included. And why the fuck do we collectively just follow the mainstream? well, because noone wants to be the one standing out, the one being special so to speak. And everyone is so fucking scared. I had a thought, how the fuck is this not the same as forcing people to do something???? Things are going downhill and people are starting to forget how to think, and it´s like of course you can choose what you want to do, but if you do you will suffer great consequenses. What the fuck man? But I feel that all of this is overwhelming me mainlky because I feel bad about not being able to move my body freely, and yes maybe I shouldn´t rely on an external event (my body getting healed) but fuck it!!!! I CAN NOT DO ANYTHING IN LIFE UNTIL MY BODY IS FUCKING HEALED! I don´t care if I am just trying to procrastinate etc but I have never felt more insecure and weak than now and that is just when my body is the most fucked it has ever been. Correlation, no?

So, great fucking investment in my health and physical body, and I want to do more of this mental and emotional work aswell. But I feel that neither of these I am motivated by on a deep level, what is my why? what is my grandiose purpose? or atleast the meaningful meaning? I feel that I have not questioned myself and why I am ding stuff enough so here goes:

You have no fucking obligation to do anything, that includes the physical training and recovery etc. aswell as the emotional and mental training youare doing. If you can not actually come up with something good and meaningful as to WHY you are doing these things, then maybe they are not th ethings I should be doing. Even thjoguh they may feel "liek the right things to do". So I am going to be completely honest and I am now open to let go of both of these aspects of my life if that is the case. So what do I feel is the meaning in my life? what is motivating me to do stuff and inspiring em to take action? My meaning in life right now feels like (this is the first thoght coming in my head) a striving for a good life. A striving for a life that in every way FEELS good. That is why I am doing what I am doing. But this is just a generla motivation, and soemthing which is quite inherent for everybody and doesn´t give that much motivation since it is so general and diffuse. What do I really want to do with my life? at first thought I feel like I have no idea. It feels kind of blank and I am looking for the "right" answer to this question, because this question seems a bit overwhelming and "too much" to be able to answer just like that, since it would influence every action I take onwards. Do I even know what there is to life? I don´t think so, as when I was a child and didn´t know much about the possibilities of life I probably have the same kind of ignorance now aswell. So if I do not know the possibilities of life should I then decide NOW what to do with my life from now on? Well, probably not right? Because then I would probably find out about a lot of new stuff and this would make it just weird and dumb to go about it this way. I think there should be a certain degree of context sensitivity, a sense of selectoin of what I want in the moment and at that time in my life. But still I need some kind of calrity going forward or I will just be doing like I am doing right now and just dreaming about a good life, and that just gives me some sense of purpose and meaning for a day or two until life hits me and shows me that I am looking for a needle in a haystack and everything is fucking dark aswell.

But do I have some ideas or dreams about my future? even small ones. I have gotten these feeling of connectedness during mainly breathwork, to everything. And also feelings in everyday life of connectedness to people and to my craft. I want to have this connectedness as more of a natural and ongoing everyday thing. And this is in general e really good feeling. I want to be a man that people like and look up to like and idol. I want to develop every facet of my life to be the ultimate man so to speak and someone to draw inspiration from. I do not want to keep settling for being the person I have become through my childhood, I want to change that. I want to experience different kinds of lives, more isolated lifestyles, more outgoing and doing different stuff and being able to do these atuff and get good at them effortlessly. My ideal would be to feel good about myself and be myself no matter what. To have interests and doing meaningful things in my life. And I don´t know what to call these dreams and ideas other than the framework in which my life is going to be, and what I am filing the frame with is not really clear to me and need not be as I do not know what will happen in my life and therefore I cannot choose the course of action beforehand. But deciding a kind of framework would probably be of great importance and would provide some clarity and purpose and guidance to my actions. And I should now during this month continue and think about this framework and establish a quite comprehensive one with everything that I want to be included in my life in broad terms. So I know what I am going for. This is kind of the dream life, which is a ideal which I am going to strive for So note to self: make a dreamboard or whatever means neccesary to establish this framework which I want my life to be in. No must´s in the framework but it is just to give me some guidance and help me see what I am actually doing and going for as I am now not so attuned to neither what I want in the long term not what I want in the short term.

I have also felt some feelings again for my parents, especially my father. I am scared shitless of him dying. I am just thinking about how I will react to it, how it will be and how empty it will feel etc. etc. And I think I know why I feel this: because I know I am not being a good human being, not in general and definitely not towards him. I pity him, because he is doing so much work and is very obedient and submissive almost at times. And I feel for him, because I. think that he doesn´t always feel so well about this and I know I am disappointing him and making him sad when I am being a dick and ruining stuff. And I pity him for doing so much of the bullshit tasks he has to do, like that he has to drive my sister in total 3 hours a day 5 days a week. That´s fucking 15 hours a week! And I just feel that I am stopping his life a lot by being this stupid, ignorant fucking bitch. And I sometimes miss the ol´days so to speak when we were doing more stuff together, we are still able to but still. I am very angry at my parents and quite unforgiving and lacking empathy adn it has always been like that, and maybe it is their fault and blame because of their parenting style, but it is definitely my responsibility to be the person I want to be. And if I possibly can accept the fact that yes maybe they weren´t the best at raising me and making me a good human being, but still no matter what they did "no matter what anyone says or does my duty is to be good" like marcus aurelius said. This is taking responsibility over my life and actually taking over the control of my mind and situation. But the quote before is not something which I am following myself, I think that is the way to go but doing that towards people I can´t. But this is definitely my ideal being able to do this, because that is why I am being a bitch to my parents, becasue I feel entitled to when they are being negative at me. But they are not even negative at me all the time because that is 99.99999% constructed by my mind, becasue I can feel the difference as night and day when I am in a good mood versus bad mood and how i respond, and moreso when I am depressed and when I am happy. It is two different worlds and if I can take control of my mind I take control over my environment automatically.But I don´t know if that´s is though. I am just concerned because my father is quite old and he maybe has 20 years left if he dies by natural causes and I am getting a resurfacing of fear of losing him. When I was like eleven yrs old I had a period where I would go to school, adn then lock myself in the toilet to cry because I was so afraid of losing my dad and I really didn´t want to lose him. Not the same now but still I feel worried and troubled by this. And I feel that I have not been taking care of the time I have had with him yet and I feel that if I can´t come over this worry about him and start to actually live life with him in it aswell then I will lose every chance of getting to be with him. I have good memories with him but I am still feeling bad because our relationship has gotten worse since I have been such an asshole and, well I don´t see us doing much in the future. But I think this is a reflection on how much I dislike the situation I am in and the person I have become. But I don´t feel this about my mother the same intensity atleast. This becasue she is 1.5 decades younger and also becasue I don´t like my mum as much unfortunately. I can´t seem to get along with her at all and neither could I when I was a kid (atleast not so much). Because she has always been quite fake in many aspects of life and being disingenous in life in general. And I haven´t been able to accept this about myself nor about her so that is why I don´t really like her ompany all the times, because she is fake and that I cannot accept that. When I am saying fake I mean that she is putting up a facade to other people and she is to different kinds of people, kind outwards and not always so kind inward but still sometimes kind inward. And I know this is because she is really insecure and stuff and that´s why she is doing this.

Yoremo · January 26, 2022

Thank you. I am now realizing. I need to go through high school. I will not quit, not even a break. And I think that in the future I will regret it if I do not take the outmost care of my time here. I need to get going with my mental health and emotional health so that I can fulfill my potential and start to see the light so to speak. Right now I have been in a very bad mindset.

{just a offspring, I will start doing a gratitude journal now, don´t care will jsut do atleast ONE thing everyday that I feel that I truly can be grateful for, but I have to truly be grateful for it}

back to it: I just realized that this time of my life is probably the time with the least amount of responsibility, but the more responsibility and time and effort I take now to develop myself will pay me in huge dividends in the time coming forward. And just things like getting laid would help me a lot. And actually doing good in the "good" subjects in school i.e math and physics which actually helps me think better (my IQ must be getting better just by doing these, feeling my brain is so much better functioning logically when I am doing these). One disadvantage for me is I live on a small place so the game is not as good and I have a lot of insecurities to start with so that makes it worse. Another thing is I live 45 min from town and therefore everything gets worse. I need to start to get some ambition, drive and inspiration for my life, in some way. I feel it now. I want to feel it later. How? I don´t know. BUt fuck it that is it. Okay, going to stop rant and actually write good stuff.

So I DECIDE to finish high school, and I am going the natural science programe which means a lot math, physics, biology etc.

So what can I do to maximize my time here?

I can make use of my time as good as I can in every way I can in and out of school. This requires a certain degree of health physically and mentally and so I need to take care of my health. And when do I take care of my health? when I am motivated and feeling a sense of purpose. How can I develop myself without being an asshole to people? because when I am in the growth mindset I usually push of people becasue I don´t want to have anyone weighing me down. well, through drive and mental power. That´s really it and changing how I look at people and social interactions and looking at them in a more positive and constructive light.

So good grades basically and good learning, ok. Other things: socializing, school is the greatest excuse to be able to find new people to hang out with and I can meet atleast 200 new people whom I probably would have liked on my school. So there is great opportunities to doing this. And the great thing I could do is to be myself, that would have been a fucking incredible feat of mental maturity and I am not there but fuck would it be awesome and cool and inspiring to others. I want to be a superior person than other in my school so I can teach others through actions how a person of authority CAN act if there is no egoic thought, well maybe this thought is a egoic thought but the intent is to be an example of how a person in power can bring others up without pushing others down etc. and doing all of that fucked up power dynamic which I see the "alpha boys" on my school doing. HAHA, "alpha" has really been degraded during the 2000s huh? Maybe it has always been that way but alpha is NOT an insecure man projecting his insecurities on others (just my opinion though).

And a BIIIIIIIG other part of my time in high school would be the learning aspect, to learn the principles of the mind and things as such. learnign about practices like meditation etc. and also learning them through practicing the practices most of hte learning process.

okey, so this is all GREAT. And there WILL be obstacles on the way like insecurities and doubt. But two of the greatest struggles of which I can think of is 1: that my body in general, and my achilles in particular is hurting a lot. This is making me very insecure as a lot of my confidence and good feelings come from moving my body very loosely and being very agile and mobile, and now I am taking a more stable and "old man" approach in my movement as I do not want to hurt myself.

2: That I seem to get SUPER motivated but then lack the motivation a while after. I know, motivation is temporary bla bla. But the thing is I get profound feelings of hopelessness and nihilism and negativity about everything about myself and my situation.

relief of pressure: I am going to make my third and final year the YEAR. I am going to try as much as possible this year and develop and then summer holidays will jsut be a fucking training camp for me becoming a BEAST in MY meaning of the word and in MY intention of the word in this context. What the fuck is these feelings of hopelessness and things which are stunting my motivation? because the motivation is there it is just shit in the way of me feeling it a lot of times. I think the journaling and stuff will eradicate a lot of that. But I feel that there must also be something more maybe? something that would enable me to let loose of the shit baggage which I am fucking up my inspiration and drive with? Some sort of mindset shift has to happen, what it would be I am not sure. One thing coming to my mind is more focusing on the process than the results as I am always so caught up in the results side of the equation, like with my training now, in the beginning I was feeling so bad becasue I was looking for results all the fucking time.

So what did I realize during that period? Let´s internalize the insights I had!

At first I was checking and expecting and hoping for results doing the weekly check up of my body and I would worry when doing this "what if it is not better. Have I done anything wrong?" and shameful feelings arose because of the lack of results and I felt that I wanted to find excuses as to why things didn´t work. "I haven´t slept good. training wrong? etc.". I was so results oriented during the practices that the practices were interrupted by it! Like during the excercises I would all the time check my body after the "right" sensations and if I didn´t I would feel bad and if I did I would feel good about it. And no shit sherlock if it felt right I felt motivated by the "great results".

So what did I do?

I countered this mindset with searching for the bad spots during my weekly check ups and made it a game to find them and I would playfully say to myself "hope that I haven´t made any improvement" or "hope I have a lot of adhesions". And so when I found a "bad spot" I would feel better because the game was kind of to find them. But more than this game I was just focusing on the sensations in my body and on the actual practice and becoming the best practisioner of the practice that I could become. Focusing on doing MY BEST. NO MATTER WHAT THE SENSATIONS OR RESULTS WERE. So I would not be dependent on results, so I just tried my best all the time instead and said to myself "you can do better, you can try harder. Let´s go harder, harder!!" I would NOT go for better and better results, the results are RESULTS of the practice (you hear it in the word, duh). This along with not really caring about the result by being prepared that my physical condition wouldn´t be better soon made me accustomed to the situation and not demoralized when I didn´t get the results I wanted, at the same time that I was doing my absolute BEST on getting better. This combo I felt was really beneficial for me. And this is a great approach to a specific practice which you may have expectation for benefits, because it alleviates the pain of dissappointment and makes it easier to go through.

don´t master your results, master your practice and the results come as a RESULT.

But I feel there is more to it than that. I need to become more motivated by life and inspired and driven by it in some way. How? can I think of someone I know or have seen who has gotten that kind of general motivation by life?

*my father has motivation family mostly I would guess. not compatible with me.

*Goggins has motivation to master his mind, sure bro, but too broad.

*Big star athletes such as kobe and MJ and CR7 has motivation to be the best, what am I going to be the best in? Bit "traumatized" by this mindset as I have tried to be "the best" at soccer for so many years

*some people who have severe health problems get unbelievably motivated to get healthy

* the same with some people going through tremendous trauma

*Some people want to just perfect their craft independent of how good others are. well, wtf is my craft nowadays that can give me motivation for life?

*People motivated by proving people wrong and making others feel bad about themselves through success. Nah, not my cup of toxic tea thank you. Tried it, came out more miserable than coming in so fuck that.

*people motivated by making the world a better place, sure. This is one reason to why I want to be a good person — to be a live example to people of how they can choose to be and I guess I am making the world a bit better if I did that

*Material wealth, sure that´s a good one but not anything I am so intrigued by before I can master my mind satisfactorily

So the thing is that I want to master my mind and body and do GOOD stuff during this 1.5 years (and beyond of course) and so I need some sort of motivation for learning and just doing things kind of for experience. My surfacing observation of myself and how I work is that I am deeply disconnected from life, and so I can´t be motivated (as of how it is now) by getting my health in check for example. And the thoughts that arise is that the internet is making me disconnected from reality and that I need to cut that out to the outmost limit to be able to experience life more intimately without excessive thoughts about stuff on the internet so I can actually delve deeper in life and FEEL life and through that maybe find things in life I feel for more. Because right now I am a bit lost in the virtual world and I can sense the effects it has. And the only solution to that is removing the craving for internet so that I can be on the internet just when I need to for school and personal development and learning. But is this it?

Note to self: color the segments you think you need to come back to so that you can see them as I did above.

Is disconnectedness and a drowning in the virtual world making me not so ambitious and motivated by life? I am lost in the virtual world and I do think that it is contributing. But there has to be more than that. It has to be some kind of regular practice getting me in the zone of thinking where I see the opportunities and possibilities. Where I see how one thing such as for example learning about my mind as something so inspiring because of what it gives. It is a certain frame of mind I can get into sometimes where I can see something like math which I am not naturally drawn towards but getting really excited about it because I know the mental processes of mine will get so much better and I think about the logical mind I am thinking and how good that must be and so on. Like maybe this is what the emotional scale and dreamboard is for suggested by nahm, but I have not done them so rigorously so I can´t quite know. But I have to find out a way to get into that inspired mindset so that I can be inspired more of the time and feel good about what I am doing more of the time than not. Although I know that there will be times where I will have to discipline myself through things but that can´t be the day to day operative system for me.

Just got the application forum for going to the army, and I would actually have liked to do that, but since my mental and physical state is so bad I will most pronably not get drafted, because I basically answered all the questions about my physical health with that I am injured, because I am. And i said I didn´t want to go to do military service because then I would probably be a chief or some shit and that is not something I will fucking do. If I want to join I can join after high school because I can apply till Im like 40, If I would like to get that experience, because it is most likely not a question about sweden going to war, but if it was then fuck it, let´s go to war. That´s how I feel about it. Doing questionaire´s like that makes me just appreciate to the extent I am fucked up, no social life, injured mentally and physically and not doing shit right really. Well, it´s good motivation. Maybe I should try and get into the military? Would be a fucked up and good experience for a year atleast during training and I could make it my goal to be the best one there and get that competetive mindset out of my system maybe. What the fuck do I know. Now I will train, so that I can go to the military or just live my life as I want if I choose and want, I want to be physically healthy and do what I want

Yoremo · January 26, 2022

somehow reposted the same post

Edited January 26, 2022 by Yoremo

Yoremo · January 26, 2022

Motivations and dreams:

*being able to have a girlfriend and be the fucking man, charismatic in front of her friends and socially awesome. Having a awesome fucking relationship

*being able to get friends on a dime, from strangers to best friends in minutes and being the person taking the initiative

*being physically DOMINANT to everybody. Fastest, strongest, most endurance, best flexibility and mobile, explosive etc. being a physical fucking specimen

*Having a mindset which is so good that I can be put wherever on earth and still live the best life, unbothered by circumstance by deeeeep mental resources to fall back on and a very refined world view to make my life the way I want it. So I can succeed in whatever I decide to do

*Being mentally superior. Don´t know how to say this in a easy to read and compact way, but just having all the mental facets figured out, not being a pathetic stupid fuck who is just going with the ebb and flow of the mind´s natural tendencies. Non petty mindset. many mindsets to cover but I know emotionally what I talk about so don´t need to write them all out aswell as some are probably still hidden from me because of my lack of experience. Emotional intelligence so I am not so stuck in emotions

*Being healthy as fuck! My body handling anything with ease, seeming like I can deal with any circumstance, health on the level that I could feed myself in the wild no problem

*wealthy to the point I don´t need to give a fuck about money, money is a fucking birthright

*Making something meaningful with my life!!!! doing something grandiose and good with my life. Having purpose, something far bigger than myself and something really to strive for, something ambitious and big

*Being able to navigate life

This is basically it. What more is there? well, it is everything in life, and everything in life is a motivator to do the work I very much need to do on myself. haha, I am going to look back on myself now with emotion I probably I can´t even conceive as I am not in that frame of mind nor even close to it in any way. Well, this is basically it.

As I am writing this I am starting to feel this frightening feeling of "what if I miss something in life?" and is there something I am missing? Because I don´t know shit about what a good life is as I have just been able to taste small bits of it. But I think that mainly the thing for me to do is to get started, because either I get started and fucking inspired and motivated to take humungous action, or I will miss out on ALL of life, and if that is going to be my life I might aswell end it right? fuck that shit, I do not dare to take my life, nor to live a bad and miserable one, therefore I have one option left — succeed or die trying. Basically it, there is nothing else than succeeding at this point.

Good, going to do some shadow work now.

Yoremo · January 26, 2022

eveyrthing got deleted here I am now:

1

I am unforgiving of people and their faults and weaknesses, and I don´t like to admit my own and neither accpet others.

I hate everyone, everyone is out to fuck everything up for me

I hate when people are doing sounds when I am trying to do something very focusing or sleep

I am so tired of people. I hate people and I hate people doing things, it pisses me of.

I am scared of other people than my parents so I am going at them full pace, and I hate how they make me feel bad about being bad towards them. I hate them and their sounds and their sutupid questions and stupid things they are doing

I hate everything that disturbs my mind and I just neeed to get rid of it before it drives me nuts.

that´s it, how the fuck do I integrate this? I don´t know what the fuck "integration" means.

one thing I am grateful for:

I am so very much grateful for good music, I have found so much good music on youtube especially and I am just so grateful to have that

Yoremo · January 27, 2022

So when I am out of this month I will either be doing the life purpose course or doubling down even more on the meditation and sedona method etc.

I have not done the sedona method the last couple of days so I thought I´d just write this out here more clearly. So what I got out of it is that the sedona method is basically accepting the emotion and allowing the emotion to be felt throughout your body and feeling into it as much as possible and being conscious of it and giving it awareness. And if you repeatedly allow it and observe it and feel it it will go away. And that´s how you "get rid" of bad or good emotions. Because yes, good emotions are also blinding you and making you do stupid things. So this method should be applied whenever I feel a feeling which is disturbing me in any way and plucking at my attention. And this is how you build emotional intelligence, probably one of maybe 2 or 3 things. So whenever I have a negative feeling or a positive feeling I will do. the process of feeling and allowing. I need to do this repeatedly throughout the day and if I need to do it every second of my day besides my main other chores, fine. So I will do it.

sedona method: felt the feeling of insecurity, felt in the chest, throat and stomach, the feeling in the stomach went away but the two others didn´t. I guess if I had continued even further I would have gotten those gone aswell.

I feel that this will probably do immense great things for my physical health as I think that my emotions residing in my body is fucking me up from the inside. I have noticed that when I am really anxious that I get literally sick, so why can´t I get injured also? probably that´s it, so I am going to double down on these practices now. I do have watched some youtube and stuff and haven´t been 100 % in the game, but I want to watch youtube atleast as rarely as maybe 30 min once a couple of days and that would be a win. The goal is to do 100 % abstaining though and I can see that happening if I keep up with these practices as they will give me more value than youtube at some point. Already feeling blessed by them.

The training is going alright, going up and down. My results aswell. the last few days I have had more knee pain but I think this is just the up and down which comes naturally when the body is breaking down and then building up so no worries from me really, the main trend is a slow but sure upwards trend so.

Yoremo · January 27, 2022

So I am probably going to do some sort of dreamboard when I come home. So that I can look at it everyday and feel the emotions and get motivated everyday to get going and do the things I need to do. I need this motivation.

I am going to be more disciplined with my training, already have been but I am going to do as much as I am allowed to do to get even better results than I am right now. Won´t do any more harm than that it will take a lot more time but since I have the time and the training is almost like an spiritual, focusing practice I don´t mind because of the benefits I can see from doing it. Question is if I should do it with that amount of noise cancelling, because if I need to deal with the noise from downstairs then I will have to use my focus more intensely, and build it more.

What I am figuring out more and more is that I am very unsure about everything, I don´t really know what I want and what I want to improve, I just see things which promise me a better life and then I get attracted, because who the fuck wouldn´t? atleast not when you don´t know what you want and you are kind of fucking dabbling arpound. That is why I want to do this so I can stop dabbling around in oceans of advice and just being stretched out, that can´t be good for my mental health. And through this journaling I am discovering how little I actually know so I can actually be inspired to do things later on and maybe I will even implement them, who knows.

It is not going very well, I am watching youtube way too much and etc. but I will remain focused and try my best and not give in or give up. So march the 1:st is going to be when I am saying goodbye to this for a while and saying hi to learning, reading and doing more external learning so I can implement it. And then I can do another period of intense journaling and practice so I can implement, and I will also be able to do some research even during the journaling because some stuff comes up which I can´t solve myself because i just don´t have the knowledge.

I want to get inspired and motivated but I just get dragged back. Wow, the realization I am having is making me depressed, that the emotional states I am in is something I am stuck in. I know that isn´t true, but how do I change it? and yes, I haven´t actually done the sedona method and the shadow work properly so how could I know? well, I don´t but it feels like I am realizing this and I understand why people can get suicidal, this is no fucking joke. Stuck in life and stuck in thoughts, thoughts go bla bla bla, life goes whoosh whooosh whoosh past me and development goes down down down. I am really negative. I don´t know how to do otherwise, and maybe I shouldn´t. But I am destructive, not constructive in my negativity which is fucking me up. I need to take these practices more seriously. I need to transform to a monk, whom also socializes and goes to school and trains etc. I don´t know how some people can be so tuned up in their minds, like they are already top tier mentality at my age, and I am definitely not. How is this even possible? well, I don´t think this kind of negative journaling is actually very helpful. It just reinforces stuff. Hey, can I change? I don´t know anymore, I am insecure in that also. And I won´t bother asking anyone on this forum "how can I change?" because the answers I get are not helpful AT ALL. Like wtf. No offense but that is what I feel.

Yoremo · January 27, 2022

shadow work for my social anxiety and insecurity

3

it is making me stutter both in my mind and in my speaking as I am critizising what I am doing very harshly

it is the feeling of everyone looking at me with hatred in their eyes when I go through a room, I feel everyone is grouping up and forming groups and hating me

it is my harsh responses to people I have envisioned to be thinking badly about me and talking badly about me

it is the constant alertness looking out for what other people are doing and constantly scanning for any threats to me or someone saying something or giving me a look

it is the anxiety of the feeling of need of control of knowing which people dislike me

it is the insecure feeling I have when I am saying something which I really feel for myself but I am not 100 % sure if the others will agree

it is the hyperalertness leading to doing weird movements with my body because I am shacking of fear of judgement and critizising

it is what makes me try to figure out what other people want me to say so I say that instead of being myself

it is the feeling that being myself isn´t enough so I try to be a person I think others will like

it is the wanting to not get any bad opinions about me and trying to be a good person to everyone I want to look at me in a bright light

it is the shaking and twitchy movements that come about becasue I feel a rush of adrenaline

it is the naseous feeling of the constant adrenaline that is pumping through me and keeping me at high alert at all times and never letting my body and mind at rest

it is the tensing of the jaw and face and bringing on my stone face

it is my nervous ticks I do when I am insecure such as mewing, swallowing, cracking my fingers, bouncing my legs, moving my hands and body a lot, moving my hair constantly checking over my shoulders and looking people in the eyes to try and see what they think all the time so that I can "do right"

it is my fear of people knowing what I am doing, like when I am writing things like this, or what I am watching etc.

it is my personality I get that is very offputing and very distancing from other people because I don´t want people to "find out" or judge me or critizise me

it is my constant worry about if the things I am doing is rigth or not

it is the constant readjusting to what I think people want me to do so that I can please them and make them feel comfortable and so that they don´t get put in a uncomfortable position in any way

2

Hi there, we´ve been together for a while. Why are you here?

I am here because you have been hurt in the past and you haven´t done anything about it and it accumulates

well, what people have hurt you?

well, my parents always telling me that I am doing things wrong even though they never was violent or so but they always out me down and didn´t want me to feel good when I was doing something really. And at my past school, my friends who fucked me over, the guy who abandonded me when I was like 7 and went to be with another friend and completely ignored me. The guy who talked shit behind my back. The guy who just started being a fucking meanie to me after years of friendship only because I was moving. The constant stream of friends whom just fucked me over and didn´t give a fuck about how I felt and just didn´t care about me like I was something disposable after use kind of thing. Older guys being fucking mean over something I don´t even know, being violent and verbally fucking me up. My friends always freezing me out and making me an outsider because I wasn´t good enough for them. The teachers with their fucking preaching and teaching and morally "correcting" me and making me feel bad af about my grades and behaviour. My mom who makes me feel bad for almost every fuckning whing I do no matter what.

woah, you sound hurt, how did you cope with this?

Well, I cried just after things like these happened but then I was making myself be strong and be confident and secure and I would put on a show to show how strong and stable I am

So you are still hurt?

yes, they still hurt and I still feel mad and sad

what could I do to help you not feel that way?

not care

ok, but how would I get rid of you?

you get rid of me when you are mature enough

that´s fair enough, I guess you don´t know when but what do you mean "when I am mature enough"?

when you feel enough self worth that you have enough internal validation to not feel obligated to seek external validation

And self love?

well yes

can you forgive what those people did to you?

no! I don´t have anything against those people really but the feeling will still be there and I can´t get over the feelings that the actions these people did caused me

okay, got it. So you can´t get over the feelings of getting freezed out and being left out?

exactly, and they keep piling up by every instance I get freezed out

Are you scared?

yes, I am scared of the opinion of other´s

what is so bad about their opinions?

well, I know that some of the people that did bad things didn´t do it because they hated me. but still the acts bring about very negative feelings in me and I feel bad

Okay, so it feels bad that people are doing it no matter their intentions?

yes. Because nevermind the intentions, it is the actions that I see.

How can I make you not so scared of other people´s opinions?

I would think that if you gained more stability in yourself that you could make me feel better, because as of now you don´t have that internal foundation so to speak

what are you trying to teach me?

that your mind is your prison is your mind until you realize your cell door is unlocked

what is the lesson?

that no matter how things feel like they are, they might just not be that way and even if it is it isn´t mandatory to feel bad about it

what do you need to tell me?

to wake up and do the inner work, adn learn to use and master your mind to shape it after your own liking

what do you want from me?

I want you to suffer until you release your limitations

What gift are you brining me?

I am bringing the gift of being a doorway to the comlpete control of your own mind, and having the life you want

1

I am the unneccesary suffering of the mind. I am the one bringing him to a halt.

I am the pre adjusted setting which makes every interpretation of another human´s behaviour a very dangerous one. I am the fundamental preconception that one must look out for other´s opinions and be wary of them and always see them in the darkest ligth as possible to avoid hurting yourself. I am this deception. I am the paradoxical deception making you afraid but inflicting you more suffering than if you weren´t. I am controlling you exactly as I which as I have the complete control to interpret any situation in any way that suits me best and make you miserable.

I am the one making you incapable of enjoying relaxing in other strangers company, I am the one making you crumble beneath me and making you a slave of my will and making you try to escape from every social situation that you find yourself in. I am the fear of people finding out, of people finding out something which will somehow make them not like me or dismiss me or disown me or hate me. I am the fear of going around people and just a general anxiety and fear to be around people I do not know and/or am not comfortable with.

I am the thing scarying you away from doing the stuff you want to do in public and from being the person you want to be in public. I am the fear of being myself and therefore resorting to being another person as if someone hurts that person that is not me and therefore I am safe, I am not in danger. I am making walls around me to save me.

I am being unneccesarily judgmental and harsh on others when I am sensing they are trying to do that on me so that I can be safe. I am the illusion that hiding is making me safe.

I am hugging this version of myself. I am giving him comfort and consolidation. I know I am not defined by this, but I am accepting it and allowing myself to fully realize and feel it. I am giving myself a break and letting this version of me get a say. I am telling him it´s okay. I am giving him the tools to handle this ongoingly. I am helping him realize his value and worth, but more than anything I just accept.

Yoremo · January 29, 2022

shadow work:

insecure in school

feels like pressure and pain across my chest and down to the bottom parts of my ribcage. My throat seems closed up, and quite uncomfortable.

where did it start?

it started in and around school. more precisely on the bus home when I was going with my brother and all of his friends from school, both mine and his. I was around 7 years at the time and I thought these people were really cool so I wanted to be included. But they were mean to me both on the bus and even meaner when my brother wasn´t around and they were calling me names, hitting me etc. And some of my friends sat there in the back of the bus with us and the older kids praised them and talked about how cool they were. And I always felt really left out. Like they didn´t care about me, like I wasn´t good enough as I am, because the other kids apparently were, but I wasn´t and it hurt deep. And this is where I got really aware of how I was and what I was doing because I wanted to fit in since I was looking up at my brother and his friends.

How long have you been feeling this way? show me any memories you have for me

I have been feeling this way ever since I was a kid. Always too bad, too little too inadequate. Other kids didn´t like me, neither kids my age nor kids above my age nor kids under my age, noone really liked me. And the kids that seemed like they liked me became really mean to me. I can also remember all of the memories with my cousins on my mother´s side, they were always talking and acting like they were better than our family, and they always told and showed me and my brothers that their shit was better than ours. They talked about how we behaved badlyh towards each other and how we were bad in general and they had this upseat. And this was hard for me, I liked them and admired them and I wanted to be liked by them, but when they always told me I wasn´t enough that stuck to me. When we did something I always felt like I wasn´t why they were playing, I was always just on the side as someone irritating and not so interesting and funny person. I was always dismissed by them and looked down at, they did this quietly but it hurt as much. Like they never gave a shit about my opinions, just because it was mine. And if I did something bad there was really no forgiveness, I was "bad" now. And my grandparents on my mothers side also looked down on me, they didn´t think I was worthy nor a good person at all. They did exactly as my cousins and always dismissed and disowned everything I was and did. These people never really showed any enthusiasm or positivity towards me, everything was bad. Me and my cousins played soccer when we met, and when I did a mistake they were always so dissapointed at me and showed it and if I did something good they didn´t care or dismissed it as "that wasn´t even that good". Like the middle cousin, he told me when I was like 8 when he watched me juggle the ball "when I was your age I could juggle 200" or 100 or whatever it was. And I could only juggle like 4 or 5 times at the time. And things like this were always prominent but I didn´t react to them as if they were wrong, because I thought that is the only way life is. My parents weren´t always that good either, they always told me that I was doing something wrong. I never did something right on the first try, because they didn´t think that I was worthy or good so they never trusted me to do something without them critizising and correcting me all the time. this correction all the time made me so insecure in my actions that I couldn´t do anything without asking "how do I do this?" even if it was relatively simple. And at home my brothers didn´t give a fuck about me, they were always just in their rooms and played games or whatever and never let me be with them and never did anything with me and seemed to dislike me no matter what I did. And that´s the reason I started teasing them af because I never got anything but a negative reaction anyhow, no matter what I did so I started to be a irritating fuck to kind of prove to myself that I am that irritable fuck.

what did you need?

I needed a friend, someone who wanted to be with me just because they wanted to. Someone to talk to and be with. I needed adults to see what kind of damage people were doing towards me verbally and physically and stop them from doing that. I need some stable point so that I am not forced to try and please everyone, so that I can feel good about myself just being myself.

I am telling the guys on th ebus to stop harassing you, to see how good you are and that they don´t need to be so mean. I am being accepting of you and seeing your struggles and accepting you into the group and integrating you into our discussions and asking you questions and making you feel participation. I am your parent and I am letting you do mistakes and when you do I smile and say "it´s okay", I let you do your mistakes and I won´t yell or swear at you, I am just letting you be you and comforting you when you have made an mistake and giving you support. I am unconditionally loving you and accepting you, and I am allowing you to do what you feel that you want to do. I am letting you discover and learn on your own through your own mistakes. I am the grown up telling your cousins and grandparents to shut up, I am gioving you comfort and reassuring you that there is nothing wrong with you, you are accepted no matter what. I am allowing you to be whatever you want to be and I will not say or show that I condemn you, I will accept and embrace you and your character exactly as you are. I am allowing you be the person you genuinly are, and letting you do your things. I am providing you with company, I am your best friend and I don´t care about what other people say about you and I reassure you that it is okay, and that those kids just talk shit because they are scared about their own skin. I am your buddy, playing with you and hanging out with you everyday, I am giving you supporting company, you and I are having fun and we´re doing stuff, we´re going to the lake and swimming, going to the soccer field and playing and we are just hanging out because we like and accept each other. I am dissolving all loneliness and I am giving you the best company you could ever imagine. I am giving you comfort that there is no need to prove anything to anyone, just be you and that is fine. I am loving you for you being you.

what else do you need to show me?

nothing

what else do you need?

a sincere hug and a sincere group of people wanting me good and liking me

I am giving you my sincerest hug and I am giving you a group of people that loves you for who you are and what you are doing.

be a healthy parent to this part

I am talking to you about your problems in this, and we are discussing this and discovering together what is happening. And I as a parent is very patient and over many days I am talking to you about this and letting you discover for yourself what is going on. And I am providing you with support and comfort along the way and I am answering your questions that you ask, and we are talking this out and I am letting you talk to me unfiltered and we are talking about life and being honest and discovering, contemplating the questions about reality and society etc. which my child has and we are doing this whenever we have the time adn feeling for it. And through this process my kid is getting more and more sure about himself and I am giving him tools to cope when he asks for them, I am not just saying "don´t care about what pther people think" when asked what to do about these feelings, I am giving a good answer but mostly the direction which my child has to go to discover this himself.

thank you, my inner child, for showing me what I needed to look at and discover, I promise that you will never be alone again. I will always be here and whenever you want we will talk. I love you my brother

Yoremo · January 29, 2022

that was weird. Cried like 6 times during that. Some yawning aswell. Felt pretty connected to my body and it felt overral pretty good to do it.

My mom sure loves to make me feel bad. She shames me for EVERYTHING. And she is not even aware of it, she is growing, alongside my father, to be my inspiration for this work to be a better human being because I do NOT want to be like them. They are pushing me forward. Pretty good day today, missed out on a lot of things I was supposed to do and was pretty tired but did the important things. Shouldn´t push myself to do journaling because then it gets bad. What I need to do is to get good sleep and rest so I can do the journaling more extensively.

My development to get out of my situation will be immense, I am ready for it, I am growing more and more ready for it.

Did shamanic breathing today. Always feel small bursts of panic after the braething but just remaining cakm and it disappears and I am just calm after, stayed laying down just feeling blessed 30 minutes after I was done, felt great.

I am amping up the training. So I will probably not be able to socialize much in the coming few weeks, I am way too anxious and stressed out to do that. But I am working on it, and I will work work work this whole year and it will pay off. The training is going to pay off as I am amping up the rolling so I will get rid of my adhesions and therefore my knees and achilleses will stop hurting altogether in a couple of weeks. In 3 weeks I don´t want to feel anything in my knees or achilles. that´s my goal.

Had a conversation with my parents about health today, they got mad and said I was mad and said I was stupid etc. Really no idea to resonate, not even calmly because they are completely gone. remarkable how an adult can be and adult and still eb so gone. Still, motivation to do the work and maybe even inspire some change in them through showing what is possible, even though I am sure they will not do anything but it is worth a try.

Tomorrow I will try and journal a lot more as that is really important now aswell as mediation, will do 2.5 hours of meditation tomorrow

fucking up my sleep schedule just a tiny bit this weekend, but can´t keep up with it because of tiredness and stuff, but that is only an excuce for the past, in the future I will try and get my sleep better so I don´t need to deal with this shit. Will try to tape my mouth to get better sleep because according to some it is really good. So goodnight

Yoremo · January 30, 2022

so what the fuck do I want in my life? I can´t waste time on dabbling not having clarity in any sense. And I have done this kind of vision thing so many times and it has never stuck. Now it will, why? because I choose to, that´s fucking why.

so what do I want?

I want to feel fucking good, I don´t want to suffer like this.

I want to be able to speak to people. Connect.

I want to be able to move properly, not hurt all the time

I want to have meaning in my life, a purpose

And more than that I don´t fucking know! that´s all I know! I just want to feel good! That´s all, I don´t want anything else than to feel good. I am sick of this. What I want to come away from is:

the awful feelings I have towards and around my parents

the total lack of ambition and vitality in my life

my poor health

the complete meaninglessness and hopelessness

the constant anxiety and stress I feel from everything

I am weak. Have never been weaker before. physically, mentally, emotionally, in my character. I don´t know what the fuck to do.

The feeling that my life is useless, in the sense that I hate my life

okay, wait. So how would my life look in 3-5 years time if I kept this up?

I would be around 23, so I would be at my prime really. And if I kept this up I would be highly suicidal, I would be constantly seeking for external pleasures, I would live at home, no ambitions no goals no life no friends no meaning no purpose no personality no emotions no nothing nothing like I had envisioned my life to be. Just hanging around at my computer not doing anything meaningful. Having taken a fucking stupid exam and not doing anything after, maybe an alcoholic or drug addict. I would hate myself, the world and everything else there is in my experience. I would be anxious and stressed out for nothing and not feel like doing anything, being an incell or whatever its called. just a fucking twat, jerking off to fucking whores. pissing my life away in the drain. Not even seeing the fucking immensity of life, not appreciating or experiencing any of it. Just being a fucking twat. good life eh? Being resentful and bitter. I feel that I can´t even feel into this as my ego doesn´t want to. But this is what is awaiting, if I do not get my act together. I will kill someone, then kill myself. I will be the baddest on the planet. I will be as those poor french guys in the book I read. A fucking twat. A twat that has tried again and again in the same fucking way to change but realizes "fuck this doesn+´t work" when he´s fucking 50 and too old to do shit with his life. I am in a limbo, my situation is pretty neat and good, but my life sucks. My family has the money but that is just a big fucking disadvantage. Or so I want to think. We don´t even have that much money to speak of. I will be living of of my fucking aging parents. I will move out after my sister has. I maybe will never do that. How do you say, should we fuck around till my parents are dead and then just take our fucking miserable lives? that sounds like a fucked up life but that is really what I am doing in terms of actions and intentions. What the fuck am I doing? I am fucking stuck in reactive mode so long after bad shit happened. Why don´t I just see that I can do something about myself? I can do whatever the fuck I want, right? haven´t I done it in the past? can´t I achieve? well, no and yes. But this is where the doubt comes in and do you know what? blow my ass. I don´t care about fucking doubt. I´ll just fucking see it done. I am not in it for this ride, some part of me wants to, but not my entire me. I have fear that I will take a misstep right now, and that might just be so, but who cares? not me. I am in it for the suffering. I am going to suffer, and I will embrace it. Ain´t I embracing it? well, yes, but not fucking enough! I need to fucking suffer more! Then I will be free. It is not that I will try to suffer for the sake of it, but I need to embrace it as I don´t see any other way out than to suffer. Everything is fucked, and so it will have to feel fucked also. It can´t just begin to feel amazing because I "found it". Fuck no. Haha, I will look back on this in a year and be grateful. So why the fuck aren´t I acting and doing the stuff I know I need to do? because I am not feeling well. Okay, sooo? yeah, that makes all my attempts of getting better dull and fucking pathetic. Okay, sooo? so I don´t do anything. And that´s better? no. Need to do it fucking in a better way. What can I do? well is it what I can do or is it what do I want to do?

what do I want to do?

I want to feel better as I said.

I want to be healthy in my body.

I want to be better at socializing.

I want to find meaning.

How can I do this?

My list of activities right now are enough for me to start this process. What I need to do is to continue and do them but do them more intentionally and seriously. Contemplating these practices, contemplating what is happening and what to do next, contemplating all the surrounding information of these practices. It is not complicated, it is simple. But my brother, don´t think for a moment that it will be easy, it will be hard as fuck. And you will want to quit so badly over and over again but not this time. "this time we fight!". And perseverance. that´s what it will take. I know I can persevere sometimes, and this time I will use that inner strength to pull through to the other side. I am afraid of fucking up and ending up broken and tired and resentful, but that is a risk I will take. The cost of inactivity is far greater than the cost of great activity and a possibility of great failure. This takes courage, to come from my situation and circumstance to take this leap of faith and trust and trust that if conscious and consistent and disciplined action is taken, that I will be rewarded. To muster the energy and inner strength for one last stance against my circumstance, and actually winning. This is where my winning mindset can come in, depending on if I am wanting to win or not. If I want to win and DECIDE to win, then I will. If I doubt even once whether I want to or not, then all is lost. Am I ready to sacrifice to win this battle? Am I ready to face the emotions and challenges that I have been too afraid to look at until now? I will have to do this sometime in my life, to take responsibility and to take action and do the work with actual good intent and not just doing it for the sake of it which has been the case for me. Am I willing to take the pain? AM I? Yes, feeling the surge of adrenaline. Fuck it, I will feed of of this adrenaline. It is fucking unhealthy but I need something to get me forward. And I have used this adrenaline before, and there in 2017 how did it go? It fucking went great didn´t it? so let´s fucking do it again and then transcend it! But I am using the adrenaline. And yes, it will take music and some dumb amping up. I don´t care. If that is what it takes, then I don´t care. Can I do this calmly? no, doing this work calmly is a result of doing this nasty, shitty work first feeding of of adrenaline and the masculine energy inside of me. I can take this energy and convert it into raw fucking power and it will let me destruct every obstacle in my way. I need to use grit and brute strength, no sassy shit here, can´t do it. Don´t know how and will have to develop myself more to do that. I am the fighter. I am going to fight my way into the position where I am a creator, until then I am going to fight. How else will I do this? The amount of school, reading, meditation, contemplation and exercisisng and sheer change of my life will require this. And this will be my mindset coming onwards. I am embracing pain, that is the mindset. I know I can because now I have changed my mind. My mind remembers. And along the way I can change into a more healthy mindset, but this is all that I know.

So now I know what I need to do, it will require embracing pain and doing all of the above things I talked about.

Yoremo · January 30, 2022

On 2022-01-20 at 6:41 PM, Yoremo said:

So:

exercising like 6 or 5 days a week, will take a lot of time but it´s worth it

meditation atleast 30 min a day in the evening, like 5 min in the morning just to start of the day

playing the guitar atleast 5 min a day

shamanic breathing atleast once a week on saturday

ice baths on the weekend is must and good on the weeks too, ciold showers every pther day. Going to go slow on the cold so I don´t go to hard on it now in the beginning because I got sick by doing that the other year

doing atleast one session (around 45 min) of shadow work everyday (this is tied in to journaling)

journaling in all of my time over, no nothing else, I am a fucking journaler

sedona method as soon as I feel some positive or negative emotion tugging at my attention.

EDIT: if I can manage to attend some social gathering during this time that is also a pass aswell as hanging out on school. I will only engage in conversations and engagements in school which feel good, not those who don´t and when it doesn´t feel good I just walk away and either find someone else or I focus on my work

going to add "contemplating and reading on the bus". Because meditating on the bus isn´t working. And I think I need to do some real contemplation on stuff I learn. So the focus will be on contemplating and self deriving the answers and making them my own aswell, atleast the good parts. Going to only focus on the inner game and the emotions adn thoughts etc. and going to read it on the computer

Yoremo · January 30, 2022

Okay, so I just realized. I have done my training fundamentally wrong. Pretty obvious and I should have asked my coach long time ago but here I am.

Good that I realized it though! because now I can do it right! It is the visualization of the grape, and I didn´t do that before I was just tensing my feet so I will need to do some remodeling of my use of my mind.

I just ordered new lions mane, hopefully this will actually work as the other brand didn´t, because I need that extra help with cognition. My brain needs it and it would be so helpful to all of my activities so hopefully it will work great.

Feeling better and better I think. Goes up and down but I think the main trend is up, but it will probably go even more up now since I am going to do the training in a more correct way, what if this is the reason why I didn´t have the amount of results everyone else has had? well, now I´ll find out.

Yoremo · January 30, 2022

Shadow work

I am going to focus on my mum.

3

she is very nice sometimes

she puts up a very noticeable facade, I notice it very clearly

she is very unconscious of the damage she is doing

she is very hard to love

she is always trying to shame me and make me feel like I am inferior and bad fundamentally as a human being

she is doing this while also putting up other mechanisms to not make it so obvious. Like she says "but you know I would do anything for you", but she won´t stop tormenting me with her words! as on example

She is very rough in her language and doesn´t care much about how I interpret what she says

she is very insecure and covers it up with a super friendly facade towards strangers

she is very lazy and is stuck in a loop of negativity, stuck in social media and tv and stuck in her job that she hates

she doesn´t feel good I think, she covers it up for everyone, herself and others to show that she is indeed feeling well.

she is very unhealthy and she has lots of ailments and medical problems

she wants to always be in authority over me and dominate me so when I am stepping over that she becomes a very bad person

she is stuck in very toxic beliefs and thought patterns and she doesn´t like them to be challenged

she is trying to improve, she is reading self help books and trying mostly to lose weight, but she has not accomplished anything since I can remember in my 17 years on this earth

she is a very sad person, isolated from the world and really only doing the neccesary work to feed the family, but doesn´t do anything for fun except for her phone. And she is very "that is uncomfortable" and she thinks everything is such an hassle

she is using ways of making me feel bad while not making it apparent to others that she is being a bitch. Like she is always "oh, am I doing something wrong now?" and playing the victim and trying to make me feel bad. She is also very opportunistic so to speak, what I mean is that when we argue she always brings up everything that she has paid for to try and invalidate me and again trying to be authoritarian. But I on the other hand am saying "please don´t pay anything if you are going to use it against me in the future" and she says it´s fine, but then she pulls the "you´re so spoiled, look at everything I have bought for you!", while I actually tell her "don´t buy stuff, I don´t want them for one and I feel bad for not using them as a second".

whenever I have tried to do "serious talk" with her, she is always trying to laugh it away. I can sense she is uncomfortable and wants to laugh it away so we can change the topic, and whenever I try to talk with her I leave very unsatisfied and sad. She is not a good person to talk to, she is toxic af. And it makes it worse because she says "if you want to talk I am here" because that´s what she thinks she needs to say, but when it comes down to it she isn´t there to talk, but she doesn´t see that.

She is trying to make me feel bad as I said in many different ways. It is hard to describe what she does.

She is making me feel very uncomfortable in her presence. I feel like I am with an stranger I am a bit afraid of when I am with her. I don´t like it.

She is very condemning for small things. Like if I am on the toilet for too long she´ll shame me like I fucked our dog. If I am being myself she will condemn me and tell me to just shut up. She doesn´t like when I am expressive. She wants me to shut the fuck up.

All of my conversations with her are incredibly unsatisfying. It is night and day comparing to how it feels to talk to guys in school or just even a teacher in school, and talking to her. I just always feel bad around her. She has a really bad aura. I geuninely don´t like her. She is just a neccesety for my life, not something I am actively choosing.

She is very on and off. Sometimes she is very motivated to do things, but most of the time she is just a demotivated, depressed slug.

She is very easy to agitate, she gets offended really easily and often destroys the mood when she gets angry over that others are angry while we are just discussing something like healthy adults.

She is very childish and immature, actually when she thinks I am doing something wrong she calls for my father to "help her" because she can´t say it herself. She is like a fucking child in every way. And in responsibility too, my father busts his ass, while she sits on her ass.

She has explicitly told me that I will not achieve anything, that I am a bad person that I am and idiot and the list goes on. She has lost her temper and kicked me too. Not something traumatic cuz she is weak af but still.

she always asks me when I have worked out or whatever "did it feel good?", and if she is not doing it to try and irritate she is oing it because she kind of feels like she wants to do it but feels a deep feeling of inadequaessy and that she could never amount to anything. sad

she is not very much up to socialize with others, she does at times but for some reason she doesn´t very often. Probably because her view is that as an adult you don´t do that.

she seems to like to demonize me for everything

she instilled in me the mindset that shit food and tv is the enjoyment and the best of life, and she does certainly enjoy it herself!

she was verbally abused by her parents a lot and now tells herself that she doesn´t but her self deceptions make her think this way but she doesn´t act accordingly. she is still verbally abusive while maybe not as much as her parents, not as explicit atleast.

She is not someone I look forward to seeing, I feel uncomfortable expressing myself and being myself around her

she is really sad, she sometimes acknowledges her faults but then falls into the trap again of thinking that she is perfect like a fucking saint.

Yoremo · February 5, 2022

shadow work

I am going to work through the feelings of anger and my easily irritative state towards my parents in particular, especially when they are making sounds or when I think they are acting foolishly or when I am feeling entitlement etc.

AWARENESS

what does this feeling look like? It looks like a spiky ball with its origin from right beneath my throat. It is going outwards and wants to move out of me, it is uncomfortable spikes trying to escape. It is creating a clog in my throat and chest area. It is concentrated on my throat and when I do small shifts in my mind I feel it changing, I can feel it going down my arms if I shift my mind a certain way which I can´t describe.

where is this feeling? it is situated in a area. That area is my throat mainly, but it is also in my chest and it is in my heart. The feeling radiates out to many places, I get an uncomfortable tingly sensation in my arms and I feel pressure upon my chest and my throat constricting the airflow and making it really uncomfortable in my throat. It is in any area that I have injured, meaning it is also non specific and resides in areas of my body which I have been having pain in because of some training injury. It also feels in my upper back and almost feels like it is trying to get out and it is pushing outwards on my upper back.

How does this feeling feel like in your body? It feels like pressure in the middle of my chest, like I had some very evenly distributed heavy objet on top of my chest. It radiates down my arms and makes them feel all tingly and almost a kind of nervous feeling down my arms. It is closing my throat and I feel that I can´t quite get the air I need, and I feel the constriction in my throat and the feeling of naseousness and like I just want to puke. It is my jaws clenshing and my tounge going up toward the roof of my mouth and making my mouth feel dry and it feels like I have eaten something sour almost, without the sourness and only the reaction in the mouth. It is the feeling of a clash in my head, it feels like my eyes are up my skull and intensely going from one side to another, weighing options. It is a rush of adrenaline which makes my whole body feel a bit tingly and a bit like I am having a fever. It is the feeling of my heart thumping very hard and frequent. It is the feeling after of pain in my heart, feeling almost like I am going to have an heart attack. It is the pinshing, stabbing pain on the left side of my chest right under my pectorial muscle and a bit down to the left.

is it moving? No, it´s center is always at the same spot around my chest and throat, but the feeling of tinglyness radiates down my arms in waves and down my legs, and pressure radiates down my chest to my upper abdomen.

what shape does it have? is doesn´t really have one shape, it is constantly transforming and being more present in different areas, it is flowing between. I can feel the shape but now describe it.

how is the feeling moving? it is mainly moving with my consciousness. where I look I feel it.

Where do you come from?

I come from your deepest insecurities. I am a mosquito in your bedroom. I am for you unexplicable and hard to understand, in particular my logic. I am the hatred of yourself and how you are not wanting it to be this way. I am the will to change everything around, to force my will and keep going until I have achieved my goals. I come from a sense of scarcity and of a fear of loss. I come from a sense of sadness and fear of loss, from a place of not wanting to lose something and being afraid of not cherishing it while it lasts. I come from the fear and feeling of not doing enough, the frustrations of life just being flooded over me and drowning me, the dissapointments drowning me in their disgusting form. It comes from a fear, a fear of other people and their opinions and the collective. It is coming from feeling bad, from feeling like an asshole and feeling like the irritating person everyone hates and from the hardship of being singled out as the only one and as a special as they say but weird and bad person as they mean.

I can feel your pain, and I relate to you deeply and I am here for you. When did I first feel you in my life?

You first felt me when you felt that you weren´t loved, that you weren´t important nor special in the good sense of the word. You felt me when people started treating you funny. And when you felt that you were not that innocent and cute and perfect little kid anymore, when you felt that a shift is happening and that things are not going to be the same.I am thinking of when I was around 8 years old, when my sister came to this world and she took the highest priority and rank in my parents hearts. Feeling that feeling and feeling it being fueled on by them telling me to not be "envious" of the love that they gave her and the attention. Another is my interactions with both my cousins and my mother´s side of the family and how they made me feel bad about myself and make me insecure and feel generally just really bad. I can also think of my former school, where everyone was supposed to be tough and cool and I joined that and became a tough and cool guy by those standards. I left my old innocent me and started acting cool and tough and started to be mean and a jerk to show people who were still innocent that they are idiots and pussys. All of that jargon made me feel uncomfortable in my own skin and made me feel disgusted in my own skin. That coupled with the very exciting but very destructive descovery of porn. I remember when I started to watch porn and jerk of and how it felt weird but good, to only feel very disgusting and made me feel like a horrible person and made me question myself just generally. Not liking myself. I was sitting in a little pocket between my door to my room and my closet and I watched, and I remember squeesing my legs til´ I got to almost an orgasm from squeesing. And then me started creeping with my phone into the bathroom and watching and jacking of to porn and thinking it was so good because it felt so different. To when whenever I needed a shower I needed to jack of. I stayed with once a day but still felt shame and guilt about it and a odd feeling which I can´t describe but me remembering how innocent I have been and then kind of feeling where I am today and feeling bad about that, hard to explain. In school I fought people whenever they did something which I didn´t like or if I was threatened by them. My brother´s friends always made me feel like the odd one and I tried to fit in but I just couldn´t and I felt bad about it and felt a tug of war between wanting to be mummys little boy as I had been and being a cool guy whom doesn´t care about anything. Can´t describe what feelings I got from these older kids, but they left me with a feeling of inadequacy. My cousins and my grandparents did the same thing, but they did it by always shaming me and pointing out everything they could to show me where I was wrong and made me feel that everything I did was wrong. And my parents, whom didn´t like my grandparents and eventually cut them off, they did the same thing — shaming me and telling me I am doing wrong all the time so I eventually don´t know what the fuck to do to get them satisfied because I wash my hands wrong, I speak wrong, I walk wrong, I am wrong and they called me names. In school they called me names for my anger and home aswell.

I feel you, and I deeply empathize with you and I know you can feel it, because I feel it. What are you trying to protect me from?

I am protecting you from the pain and suffering of being with people, of letting them be them and accepting them and allowing them. I am not letting this happen as this is NOT nice, I am helping you to completely control and rule other people so that you don´t need to change your mind. I am protecting you from the pain that you can not take, the pain of knowing people don´t like you. The pain that you are not living your life to the fullest and doing everything you can to live it to the max. I am masking this and protecting you from confronting this and letting your anger distract you instead so that becomes the main point of focus. I am protecting you from seeing the truth and from seeing what is actually here.

Okay I understand. So why don´t you want to see the truth?

because I am going to crumble, I am going to be overwhelmed by the rawness of the truth. I am afraid of this and I don´t feel like changing myself.

I totally understand you and why seeing the truth can be tough at times and these feeling which you have.

ACKNOWLEDGEMENT

What would have made me not feel so bad about myself, what could have happened contrary to what happened?

my parents reacting this way when I got angry: they had no negative reaction or attempt to defend their ego in any way, they just let me do my little play. And then this adult whom I feel very comfortable with was very patient, let me have my outburst, waited to the point until I couldn´t hold up the facade. I started crying. I told him everything and then he just let me do my thing and tell him what I wanted to tell him. Then he talked to me, being bvery present and doing what he could at the time and he knew exactly where I was wrong, and he taught me the most valuable life lesson imaginable and he made me resolve this problem by myself through the guidance of his words. He is the guy that I could always talk to about anything, anything that I felt insecure about or if I felt bad or if I had problems in my life. He always listende and we talked it out, and he let me be me, and he taught me how life is, how it works. He showed me the path.

Also, someone could have given me the lessons needed to live, what works and what doesn´t, what is what and giving me lessons about life and giving me guidance in my path in life.

I am loving you, my inner child. I am giving you my love. I am giving you my patience whenever you are angry, and I am sticking with you until you calm down. I let you do this because I love you, I tell this to you and you know I mean it, you can see it and you can feel it. I am giving you a upbringing of high self esteem and self worth and self love. And I am guiding you through all of the paradoxes in life and all the counter intuitiveness that is occuring in life and I am being a pillar to you. I am your friend, and you know you can call any time and just be with me and I am very supportive of you, because you are perfect as the person you are. I make sure that you feel good about yourself, that you don´t really care about what others do and that you don´t feel the need and craving to do somthing about other people, because just as I am loving, accepting and allowing you you are allowing others. I am giving you space when you need to and I am being rough with you when you need it. I am your best friend and I am always with you and I am always looking out for you and making your life the best one. I am helping you figure out something you want to do and some meaning and purpose in life, and I am helping you with all of your mental problems and pitfalls. I am your best friend and teacher.

INTEGRATION

Thank you for protecting me fro this long, I assume it has been quite an hassle but now I am growing up. I am maturing and I can handle this on my own, I now can deal with these things which you have protected me from and I have all the resources needed. I am thanking you again, and sending you my love because you really do deserve it. You can now be at ease, you can rest and let go. Just allow yourself to not be caught up in this anymore because I am assuring you that you do not need to protect me anymore, you have done what you needed and for that I am thankful. And now you can be free. It´s okay to let go, even if it´s hard. I know you have been struggling for a long time to protect me, and now it is time for you to go to your well deserved rest. From the bottom of my heart, thank you. And I love you no matter what, literally and you know that because you can, as I can, feel that inside of you. I love you, and if you were ever to have anything you want to talk about I am right here, I am ready for you, always. And remember, no matter how you feel or what you do or say, I am still going to love, accept and allow you to be you. Because you are perfect as you, thank you. and I am always here for you

Yoremo · February 6, 2022

Well, that shadow work felt really structured and nice. It felt like it was a very nice complement to the other explanations of shadow work I have seen.

Contemplation about strong negative emotions.

So this is the video. And this is the start of me trying to contemplate what I am taking in instead of just consuming and not doing the work integrating and embodying it which I would feel is like 3/4 of the work or even more but I have just not done it in the past.

First things first: resistance creates suffering. And I must agree. Whenever I resist something like resisting some annoying sound then the suffering multiplicate. When I am holding my breath or being around people I hate, if I resist that event or situation then I will feel worse. Another example is how I have been resisting my injuries, notice that the resistance doesn´t really solve the problem. It is just focusing on the problem in a negative connotation which makes it that much harder to enjoy.

Being open to feeling is to be vulnerable, and that feeling of vulnerability is hard to embrace, mainly because of childhood events which made you afraid of letting your guard down. I have lots of these experiences with friends and family, being vulnerable and being fucked over. And that´s not funny and feels very bad to do and if you didn´t have a perfect childhood then initially you will probably have problems opening up. For me I have tremendous problems opening up and being honest and vulnerable in a non biased way and in a way that is not to acquire status or prestige. It feels contra intuitive because your direct experience tells you not to do it. That it´s bad for you. But learning to be vulnerable is very important I think, and the outmost example of that is some of the people I have met that have been extraordinarily brave and vulnerable, and not in a way seeking something but just being that way for the sake of it. Because that is the way to go. This resistance to vulnerability will also cause suffering so be aware that there is resistance to vulnerability.

Resistance resides in the body, contracting the muscles and therefore a person resisting something will be very tense in their entire body. It´s like when someone meets their shitty boss they hate and they feel the need to be very kind but really they are grinding their teeth and pressig their feet into the ground. Resistance must be likened to some sort of craving, craving that the circumstance is to be stopped. But negative craving or in otherwords craving that something disappears. I have always just gritted my teeth in everything I have done, and while it does get you some success I think it´s a recipe for disaster some years down the road. The way to go is the road of effortlessness, not resisting just accepting and relaxing through it being blissed throughout (or atleast content maybe is a better word). And this is probably the reason as to why my jaw is so fucking clenched all the time, I am resisting everything all the god damn time. That tug of war makes you tense and weak really. And I think I can honestly acknowledge that I have never been very good at expressing my emotions like other kids, always being unsure of what I thought and felt. Now that is perfectly fine, just acknowledging where I am still at. Resistance causes both emotional, physical and psychological pain.

And some of the resistance originates from the belief that negative feelings are "bad" or negative in some way. This is only labels distancing you from your body and from fully feeling your emotions. The labels exist to make distance and to break any kind of identification (or rather feeling it as a part of my body), that´s what labels do, they make things easy to just pass by and ignore because the label gives a false sense to you that you know something about what you are thinking or talking about. This belief is just straight out wrong from my own experience, from my own experience I have been able to live through very strong negative emotions while in some weird way still feeling good about it, just because I actually felt into it.

going to edit this in a couple of hours and finish

Living My Life To The Fullest- Honoring My Life

64 posts in this topic

Share this post

Link to post

Share on other sites

Share this post

Link to post

Share on other sites

Share this post

Link to post

Share on other sites

Share this post

Link to post

Share on other sites

Share this post

Link to post

Share on other sites

Share this post

Link to post

Share on other sites

Share this post

Link to post

Share on other sites

Share this post

Link to post

Share on other sites

Share this post

Link to post

Share on other sites

Share this post

Link to post

Share on other sites

Share this post

Link to post

Share on other sites

Share this post

Link to post

Share on other sites

Share this post

Link to post

Share on other sites

Share this post

Link to post

Share on other sites

Share this post

Link to post

Share on other sites

Share this post

Link to post

Share on other sites

Share this post

Link to post

Share on other sites

Share this post

Link to post

Share on other sites

Share this post

Link to post

Share on other sites

Share this post

Link to post

Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

Create an account

Sign in