Living My Life To The Fullest- Honoring My Life

[Yoremo]

I have been a bit hesitant mentally to this change in my life. But I don´t care. The reason to why I have been hesitant is because I have doubted that I am doing this in the "correct" way. And I now realize that 1: it doesn´t really matter if I do it wrong or not, the most important is that I start now on monday. 2: I probably have found the correct ways btw. But I am a bit hesitant because (and I caught myself having these thoughts now) I have seen a lot on spiral dynamics on this forum and people talking about it and the blue and orange (I think) apparently isn´t so good, I haven´t looked into these myself. But also I need to go through the spiral dynamics for it to work because my thinking has been "I need to do the habits and techniques and thought patterns as the higher stages". And it has been this "right" and "wrong" conversation in my head. But now I feel that I need to start and then during the year I am going to try and learn as much as possible and I will just take it from there. But I do need the foundation no matter what, so therefore I am going to just build really good habits, and besides this I will learn psychology and I will be able to improve gradually over time. For this I have taken notes on "atomic habits" and I really think that is the only book on habits that you need to know — everything is in there. And that coupled with mainly affirmations (have books and notes on this too) I will have a good foundation of changing myself. the thing I need to keep in mind though is that it is the internal growth I am after first and foremost. I need some more tools to (and information and resources about this in turn like books and videos) about how to change my beliefs, how to further change my self image (think it can be even easier to accomplish maybe — who knows?) and my conditioning which is tightly tied to my beliefs.

So I am taking this more "old school" approach to build the foundations of my life so that I can build from that. Even though these habits are not tied to a life purpose that doesn´t mean that I can´t do them in the meantime (if it is the case that my life purpose later on is not aligned with my habits as I discover it then I will just change the habits). Because otherwise I am just kidding myself if I " oh I need a life purpose and everything cleared out and that everything makes perfect sense in my head bla bla excuses bla bla excuses" — really many excuses atm but I am noticing them and calling myself out.

So this year: 

1: build habits (will take a week or two because I had these and have these kind of down already but just fucked up a bit on the holiday but that´s fine)

2: Learn about internal change

3: take action on internal change

4: socializing

and 2,3 and 4 I am going to have to take action on as I go during the year incrementally because I won´t devote "one month to learning and etc." because I have some time everyday which is perfect for reading, some perfect for concrete inner work and then I will just have to get the thumb from my ass and start to talk at school 1:st thing and then trying to get to socialize. Just noticed another excuse or dumb belief or dumb assumption: that I need to go to parties to hang out with people. Which is what I have had in mind but that is probably not the first step, heck I don´t even know if they host any parties in this little shit place. But I can just hang out with people like one or 2 or 3 at a time and just do the normal socializing with friends stuff, which is probably a bit boring but on the SUMMER it will be fucking lit, that is when the parties are starting and people are coming here and then I have to be ready for it. So just training now for it. And the purpose of socializing is mainly for me to feel better (I can´t just be around my toxic parents all the time) but also for me to be able to be confident and all the other attributes which comes through conscious choice of socialization and constant pushing outside my comfort zone.

I really feel this journal is doing something for me, but it is just one bad thing about it and that is that I miss some stuff which I have written in the past and it is a pain in the ass going through it as it is now because of the sheer amount of text. But this is clearing up my mind and making things clearer (thankful)

[Yoremo]

So I am going to be a pain in the ass for myself and force myself to track my habits (every fucking one of these on the list) for up to 2 weeks depending on how easy it is. So I´ll just predo a list which I will just write * if I did it and * if I didn´t. But there is not going to be any fucking around, I am just going to do it, so anyways here is the list I will be using:

 

*wake up right away by 05:55 am

*Drink one liter

*sentence completions

*Brushing teeth

*skin lotion morning and night

*deoderant and perfume

*Drinking 1-2 liters in school

*I did either: Meditation or reading on the bus

*I did my evening routine of breathwork (5-13 min) and then meditation (30 min)

*I did my workout

*I listened to atleast 2 hours of affirmations

*I put on my blue light blocking glasses 2 hours before bedtime

*I went to bed at 9 pm or earlier

 

So that is it for the first 1-2 weeks. Of course going to try and do other stuff in the background but this is my main focus. I will journal this out either right before bed or the next day sometime. Main thing is that I am doing it

edit:I think I will do the breathwork whenever I have time and that id probably in the morning or just before my workout. Will just check so I did it no worries when really

Edited January 10, 2022 by Yoremo

[Yoremo]

10 jan 2022

*wake up right away by 05:55 am +

*Drink one liter +

*sentence completions +

*Brushing teeth +

*skin lotion morning and night +

*deoderant and perfume +

*Drinking 1-2 liters in school -

*I did either: Meditation or reading on the bus +

*I did my evening routine of breathwork (5-13 min) and then meditation (30 min) +

*I did my workout +

*I listened to atleast 2 hours of affirmations -

*I put on my blue light blocking glasses 2 hours before bedtime -

*I went to bed at 9 pm or earlier -

so I wont do the green * because it fucking resets everytime. So not the best today, forgot my headphones at home and had some other difficulties, BUT felt good to get into a decent routine and I am DISCIPLINED in school so I can just fuck of from school and not care about it. Starting to try and socialize every moment I get the chance. The glasses I couldn´t because I worked out later, so couldn´t do it really.

Edited January 10, 2022 by Yoremo

[Yoremo]

*wake up right away by 05:55 am +

*Drink one liter +

*sentence completions +

*Brushing teeth +

*skin lotion morning and night +

*deoderant and perfume +

*Drinking 1-2 liters in school -

*I did either: Meditation or reading on the bus + (did listen to music for like 15 minutes on the way home though but did like 30 min meditation)

*I did my evening routine of breathwork (5-13 min) and then meditation (30 min) +

*I did my workout - (it was not a "must do" workout" and my momentum had gone shit so I just went to bed

*I listened to atleast 2 hours of affirmations - (did around 1.5 hours though

*I put on my blue light blocking glasses 2 hours before bedtime -

*I went to bed at 9 pm or earlier +

 

Had a rough day yesterday, had a big break in school for 5 hours and only worked for 1 hour, watched youtube for 3.5 hours and ate for 0.5 hours. So just a shitty day and a shitty mindset when the break came along and I just did what felt easy and I didn´t have the strength to stop. Well well, I am not mad or anything on myself, just a start up day so to speak so today (when I am writing this) I will just make sure to use all of my time so I can achieve inner gains so to speak. Mostly it is just routines this so I am not surprised.

[Yoremo]

Yooooo! so I can probably not do this shit, how can I be social and stuff if I can not even sit on a bus without being terifired of my ass? My social anxiety has never been so high, but fuck this I am going to take 100 % responsibility, but I will not do it directly I need to do it indirectly I think aswell as makin myself more accustomed to being social. Both at the same time. I need to work on myself and like myself, that is the bottleneck, not that I am scared of people etc. it is that I do not like or respect myself. How do I start this? I do that through doing the work and being disciplined for starters. But then I need something to change my beliefs and perspectives and conditioning from my childhood and up until now. But these last things (which I deem to be very important) I know that I have to do that but I just don´t know how. HOOOOOOW? I need answers.

Like is it meditation? is it shadow work? is it affirmations? is it therapy? (but I am a broke fuck so I can´t do that). Is it visualization? is it some combination? I have no fucking clue, the only thing I know is I do have a very good intellectual understanding of this which btw I am kind of embarassed about because I am not embodying because I have no idea!!!!!!!!!!!!!

IS IT CONTEMPLATION? what the fuck, what the fuck is it? I need to fucking find something. I am sick of my mind being so incapable of change, and I don´t want to change my mind through trying to change my outside world, fuck that. To a extent I will but I need to change my mind from the inside out through some sort of practice or something. Is it self-inquiry? isn´t that some spiritual practice only? I have no fucking idea and I feel myself spiraling a bit. But I need to research I guess and ask around to get the answers to then be able to do the work. I am sick of wondering what to do, I will just find the answers now by either asking on this forum, asking someone in irl or just searching the whole ocean of internet or something. I need this though, this is what I need, if I can just know what I need to do I will do it!!! I have no problems doing the disciplined work 99 % of the times it is just that I don´t know what to do.

[Yoremo]

*wake up right away by 05:55 am +

*Drink one liter +

*sentence completions +

*Brushing teeth +

*skin lotion morning and night +

*deoderant and perfume +

*Drinking 1-2 liters in school -

*I did either: Meditation or reading on the bus +

*I did my evening routine of breathwork (5-13 min) and then meditation (30 min) +

*I did my workout +

*I listened to atleast 2 hours of affirmations +

*I put on my blue light blocking glasses 2 hours before bedtime -

*I went to bed at 9 pm or earlier +

 

Getting better and better. Haven´t drunk water in school since my water bottle is kind of disgusting so I have to get another one. Feel a bit dehydrated so would probbly help a ton to drink more water. The glasses has been quite hard because of the long workouts but I have had time for like an hour or so to have them on. Well other than that things are going good.

[Yoremo]

*wake up right away by 05:55 am +

*Drink one liter +

*sentence completions +

*Brushing teeth +

*skin lotion morning and night +

*deoderant and perfume +

*Drinking 1-2 liters in school -

*I did either: Meditation or reading on the bus + (on the way home I just talked with a classmate the whole way but since my goal is to socialize more this is only good for me)

*I did my evening routine of breathwork (5-13 min) and then meditation (30 min) - (was up to 1 am because of some unknown reason to watch youtube)

*I did my workout + (half of it)

*I listened to atleast 2 hours of affirmations - (no)

*I put on my blue light blocking glasses 2 hours before bedtime -

*I went to bed at 9 pm or earlier - 1 am

so a pretty sucky day yesterady. Feeling quite demotivated to do anything but I am going to try more

[Yoremo]

going to try to do some shadow work and work on trauma or whatever.

I am inviting my feeling of hopelessness in life, my up and downs with my emotional leverage (the downs being the hopelessness)

3

it is the feeling of being dragged down to the bottom of the ocean

it is when everything looks grey and dark and unappealing

it is making me feel separated from people and I want to be with them but I have brakes on

it is making my mind hesitant to do anything to the smallest joke to the smallest task

it is the insecurity to fail again, to promise myself that I will make it this time and then still fail

it is what makes me cry all the time because it makes me feel completely out of control of my destiny and happiness

it is what makes me stop with my momentum and forget momentarily about my goals and dreams

it makes me unconfident and a other person than me that is afraid and insecure about some unknown thing encompassing everything in life it seems

it is what makes me succumb to my feelings and overeat or binge watch youtube or being unconscious in any other way like treating people badly 

it wants me to stop

it is hard to feel because I am so in it right now

it is making me stuck in thought patterns and habits which doesn´t serve me

2

hi, why are you disturbing me and my life?

I am feeling afraid to try new things and to fail

what is so bad with failing?

I can not deal with the weird insecurities and paranoia about what other people will think about me after my failures

what will people think do you think?

I feel that people are laughing at me, that they look at me in disgust

Why are you feeling this?

because people are mean to me and they don´t see me for who I am, they only see my faults

why do you want to create this feeling?

I am creating a boundary between you and mean, idiotic people who are only out to hurt you

Have people been mean at you?

yes, and there is NOWHERE to hide from that. The words and meaning behind it pierce through my soul and crush my every hope

why are you so afraid of people?

because they are mean

Why are they mean?

because they are egoistic and only care for themselves and try to push me down to get up in social status or getting up in something else

are you sure they are out to hurt you?

I don´t think so but no matter what it still hurts goddamn

what would make you stop get hurt from other people?

I can´t, I take in the meaning behind the words and then I feel like this

but people aren´t saying anything to your face though, so why are you caring about their opinions?

I feel scared of when a group thinks I am bad in some way, I am scared to be looked at in a bad way

how can I get rid of you? you seem a bit stuck

you would have to get to know people more, you have to realize the games in the social life. But then you are also gaming yourself

but I am gaming myself either way right? so it is just up to choise really

yes, you have got that right. But the choice to go to the other side is the hardest thing to do

why are you making me stop with the things I am doing and the momentum I have gathered all the time?

because I can not let you go far enough to allow yourself to fail

How could failing not be so dramatic for you?

failing is what you make of it. failing in a good way and failing in a bad way look identical on the outside. you have to be inside of you more and see the inside of you and realize it is the inside that matters in failing

what would that inside be telling myself when I failed?

it would not make me feel so stupid and bad and miserable

you won´t give me the answer or what? HOW do I react to failure to not make you miserable?

you must love yourself unconditionally, failure or no failure, it doesn´t matter. The love has to be there no matter circumstance

why do I need to love myself unconditionally? I do not like the idea, it feels uncomfortable and bad for me

because the only one who can give you love is you, no matter how much somebody outside of you loves you you atleast need to accept it. But the infinite source of love and empowerement comes from you, inside of you and makes you not feel me

how can i love myself more?

i don´t know, how would you love someone else?

I would atleast be very accepting of what happens to the person and be a pillar and a support in whatever situation

no matter what?

yes, no matter what

but would you love the person even though they did something stupid or dumb or disgusting or bad?

yes, but that would of course take discipline but yes I would

why?

because I love them. what if I fail again miserably (in life as a whole)?

well, according to experience you haven´t announced yourself as a failure yet right? so don´t look at it so extreme first of all. second of all, no matter the magnitude of "failure" you can still love yourself and not dismiss and disown yourself, nor failure nor success defines you

what defines me?

what you want to define you

what defines me now?

a try hard which gives up too easy and someone who doesn´t have strong enough goals and purposes. a quitter

well, that is negative. so I can define myself as a winner and a happy person right now?

yes, it takes effort but yes

is it only love though? there has to be something else with you that makes you still persist, what is it other than a lack of self love that makes you stay?

you are too disconnected from people. you have never talked to people about serious stuff, not many times atleast. And therefore you feel alone and vulnerable because you are surrounded by people whom you feel that you cannot relate to. You must live man! and have the full human experience!

but how can I possibly make myself vulnerable to people again? I don´t dare to

you´ll get used to it but for starters just get out with people. Now leave me alone, I won´t tell you more now.

1

I want people to love me. I am scared, I am lonely. I do not want to do stuff because I do not want to get humiliated. I am AFRAID! 

when I want support all I get is laughter and misunderstanding and piunshes in the face. I want people to care about me, I don´t feel welcome to people. I am afraid of failing. I am afraid of the feeling of trying. I am sick and tired of all the pain worrying and humiliation coming from trying. I don´t want to try, I want to be comfortable and stay in the background. I don´t want to show my value to others because then they might dissapprove of me. 

I want to get back to the secure feeling of when I was a child. I want to go back home, back home to that innocent feeling of security and love. I am scared. I am scared of people´s opinions. I feel afraid that I will miss out on things when I commit, that I will miss these childhood feelings. That I will miss my parents living years, and miss life by going after things.

I want to try things but at the same time I don´t dare to. I am scared not of abandonment, I am scared of being with people who hates me. 

[Yoremo]

well, that was my first time doing that and I think it felt pretty good for the first time. Cried maybe three times. I felt myself disconneting from my body and going unconscious when things were rough. felt a bit awkward at times but I feel the power it can have if done with a open mind and more consciousness than I had today. Shadow work is kind of therapy, right? felt like it. Need to do a lot of it I feel to feel into myself and see and understand what is happening. And some times I was surprised by the wisdom I do have in some of the answers I got out. But going to try and be more consciouss next time and check again if I did it correctly but doesn´t need to be so perfect I think. it was a bit hard at times to feel into myself, because it felt empty and this is some resistance I feel and if I just let myself go and let it flow it went good.

Tomorrow morning is shamanic breathing. then meditation. Then probably playing the guitar or something (need to do something now which brings me joy so I will try and play the guitar) and then do some more of this and then watch a video from leo maybe or I can go over the notes I already have. Yes, I will go over the notes i have and contemplate them, I need to get rid of my victim mindset and a couple of other stuff and feel into myself. And I need to do my 1 hour workout aswell as eating and going out for a walk. Maybe I will sneak into the sauna tomorrow too. Much to do, but all should point to some goal. I am aimless, but now I decide not to be. My aim is to get aim and purpose so that could mean that instead of watching youtube which I usually do I meditate or think or get inspired by music or something and think. Maybe. I am aimless though. I am scared and afraid. But I am also strong. I need to find and channel my strength once more

goodnight

[Yoremo]

will stop doing the habit thing here, got a hold of a very simple habit tracking app that is free so I will just do that. The simplest one out there but it is great when building habits that I can see it. 

Did the shamanic breathing this morning and boy was it weird, I was super tired and I don´t know if I fell asleep some time during the breathing, but if I did I just continued breathing when I woke up LMAO. what the fuck, it was super weird, I was weirded out that it was over so fast and I got no tingling no nothing so probably I fell asleep. How the fuck can I even do that? must have been super tired. My sleep has been messed up since the holidays when I was up to 4 am and sleeping to 1 pm some days, and it fucked my circadian rithm up af. even now.

Got not much done today, mostly ice baths and dabbling around, played some guitar. Want to continue the ice baths during the weekends and try and make a habit that "I play 5 min of guitar at least everyday" so I build a habit and then I can get some joy out of it. 

I am NOT getting stuff done though. I need to start planning my weeks the sunday before, so I will start that again. I didn´t do that during the holidays because I was asleep or something, but fuck it I will do it now tomorrow and continue doing it ahead and trying to plan things goood. And having time free for me being able to do whatever, yt or some more serious work but just that I have some time where I can do whatever and feel some freedom (although discipline does equal freedom too).

Ice baths are niiiiiiice, why am I stopping doing stuff that makes me feel good? I think I feel shameful because my parents always look at me a certain way when I am doing something and I think I am traumatized by those fucks opinions. Have to resolve that shit, but ice baths make me feel on fire, they are productivity enhancers I feel (if I use them more wisely). 

But now I haven´t had much structure so I´ll do some basic structure for the week every sunday with free time and the schedule I aint going to follow religiously, cause then I don´t use my emotions to do what I want to do when I want to do something good, and I need to meet people and that means going of course and not doing "productive" stuff all the time. Although sometimes when I am supposed to be "productive" I am just watching youtube

yooo this shit´s hard to keep up with. I lack clarity on stuff I need to do — so be clear then. I need to do everything more clear, atleast the outlines of my life and allow some spontanity to allow for life purpose, socializing and stuff to get in there aswell. But I can´t just be lazy and just do what I have done in the past because that doesn´t work, I´ve already tried. Want to get help but shit it is hard toget someone who can help me and I am doubting I need help from someone outside of me, maybe I have just not met the people that are good enough, but I´d rather bet that I am not being here for me enough. My mind is a mess with all these stupid thoughts and beliefs. These beliefs from the fucking midieval times. All of it is just stupid and I see it, but I can´t feel it and it is fucking me up. What the fuck do I do? some kind of emotional change needs to happen, and how do I change my emotions? I change the emotions through changing my beliefs right? but I also heard that emotions can just change through other ways aswell and I am confused af but that is me trying to get away from doing the work, that is how I have to see it right now. put your headphones on and just fucking do it. Whatever needs to be done, do it, it doesn´t matter how at this stage because I just need to get some action going and some responses from my actions so I can now what the fuck I should do. So leeeeeeeeet´s go you fuck! I am getting ready, my mind is getting good, the ice baths and the focus I have is what will make my mind just hang in there until I figure out what to do with my emotions. Let´s go my dude, I need to do this, I must do this, I want to do this. there is no other way and frankly I wouldn´t rather have it any other way, I don´t want it served to me because that ain´t good enough, I need to do it MYSELF. Fuck this shit, gotta get animalistic to turn into the machine I need to be right now. FUCK, goodnight big boy you need to sleep now. I will sleep more today so I won´t be as tired but I am promising myself that tomorrow I will be in bed by like 8:30 pm and I will sleep like a baby cuz of the work

[Yoremo]

I just wanted "I want to just watch some youtube, open that home page to see some stuff so you can get a dopamine hit" ———— fuckkkkk noooooooo! I. AM. SICK. AND. TIRED. OF. BEING. THE. BIGGEST. LOSER. so I won´t, goodnight

My 9 year old sister just told me "you have to get a girlfriend, you are soon a grown up" and even though it´s just a stupid statement it´s real, I have never had a girlfriend and I am 17 and I need to grow the fuck up. Let´s go I will fucking demolish every fucking bit of doubt or fucked up beliefs or whatever and negative emotions about stuff, let us go

[Yoremo]

SHADOW WORK

I am inviting you, the feeling of shame to discussion.

3

it is making me feel bad for trying new things

it makes me feel weird and insecure about myself when I am doing something which I haven´t done in the past

it makes me feel this way when I am trying hard to develop or accomplish something

it makes me super aware of other people´s reactions to what I am doing, I am watching and. being hypersensitive and searching for signs of someone judging me

it makes me stop doing or stop trying as hard and makes me try to achieve some kind of normal — decided by what people around me are doing

it makes me think about if I am maybe doing something wrong and then makes me anxious that people will laugh at my stupidity

it makes me try to change myself to some kind of normal and it won´t stop tugging at me until I don´t have that feeling anymore but then I am also not my authentic myself anymore

it makes me afraid to start new things because I am afraid of it, both just the feeling and the consequenses the feeling is proposing to me (judgement)

it makes me feel dirty for being, wrong for being

when I am ambitious and trying things that I feel is beyond myself I feel it

2

what are you?

I am what you think people will do to you, I am the idea of a catastrophic social disaster for you

why are you bothering me?

because you are weak and you care about people´s opinions in a fundamentally flawed way

what would you want me to do instead then of what I am doing to get rid of you?

you would have to stop imagining or guessing the emotions and thoughts of others. Listen to other people opinions, yes, but take them to heart? not always 

why is it that I am doing this very anxious guessing game?

because you have been afraid to do something which other people don´t want. You have something inside of you which craves other people to like your idea and conform to you for you to feel good. You can´t just be yourself without having the confirmation and recognition from others

where does this craving and need come from?

it comes from valuing people´s opinions too much. You are putting value on random people´s opinions

isn´t that normal?

define normal

fuck, well I guess "normal" isn´t always good. why do I value other opinions so much?

because you don´t value or think that you have good opinions yourself. Your self esteem is low and you dismiss the products of your mind

wow, have I always been this way?

all of the time when you have lacked self respect

But I have been afraid of being cocky or whatever because that was condemned

well, cocky does not equal a person with high self esteem, a person with high self esteem knows his worth but frankly doesn´t care about other opinions on his worth

how can I resolve this?

you need to believe that you, too, can think for yourself and that you, too, have value

so is this soemthing from my childhood when my parents always told me exactly what to do and my own ideas and thoughts were always dismissed as bad?

yes, but don´t care so much about the cause, care more about the solution

what is the solution?

it is to know yourself, know your value and know that you can produce both great and bad thoughts and ideas. You have to value yourself more and your thoughts and ideas. You have to get more self respect and self esteem.

1

I am the worry about others and what they are going to think

I am the creator of negative thoughts and disbelief and doubt through utilizing the power that other people´s opinions have on a human

I create a sense of a thing not being good to do or not being worthy of your time

I am what will make you shy away and not eb your authentic you and what is making you settle for less, especially when you know othe people are looking

I am what will make you hesitate and miss chances and opportunities because you were in paralysis by analysis (pretty bad analysises you´ve got going on aswell)

I make you succumb to what is deemed normal and to what you think will make other people think good and positive things about you. And these "good and positive things" are the things which you see in persons you like yourself

I make you doubt yourself and make you self-sabotage because it feels wrong

I am the one fogging your mind out of clarity and out of commitment, I am making you weak and indecisive

I will make you stop and beg me to stop

I will mkae you feel that you are looking out in on yourself and so that you feel that all eyes are on you, I will make you feel watcehd and observed.

I will make you feel like you are the only one in the world and I will make you feel that everybody is watching you with disgust or with a condemned look

I will make you care about other people´s opinions about you and what you are doing, and I am making the illusion that you are following the norms of society and the people around you while it actually is you following the norms that YOU THINK people and society are following

[Yoremo]

so somehting I thought about recently:

I have always felt very separated from people, but now today reading one person´s journal on here talking about his (I think it is a he) thoughts and they were so close to how I have thought in the past! and I also saw myself in a person on school today (through first seeing through my ego and bullshit explanation) and saw how he, just as I thought the same about a thing. It was this feeling that you are "leading" the group adn the discussions and being the mature one, I saw him in that as I have been there myself (nothing really bad about it, a bit egoic to think this way maybe but that is not th epoint in that example).

I have concentrated on my breathing during the so "hard" workouts that I have complained about in my journal, but through my newfound knowleedge of accepting and feeling the pain and allowing it + breathing consciously (I notice I sometimes stop to breathe when it gets really tough and that is when I get the most burning sensation) so this really helps

Feeling better and better. Doing what I am supposed to do and just missing out on some stuff everyday but less everyday (today my sleep as I am watching this I should be asleep but I so wanted to write this out first aswell as I was a bit upset in my stomach so I "wasted" some more time than I wanted before my long workout so here I am haha). 

Feeling good in school and wiht the mates, talking and will try and get a "in" to try and get out socializing. I thought I would try and ask people questions that I am comfortable to ask, like "what are you doing on the weekends?" to look like I am just asking not wanting anything (I am still too insecure about that but it is getting better)

One profound insight (atleast for me) I had today is how to approach goals and dreams. So here it is: so in my training I was so excited for change and development but here I am 14 weeks later and just now I see a LITTLE development. In week 6-10 (sometuihgn ike that) I was so impatient with my results and I was resisting the lack of results (this is about accepting and this which I have been doing from leos "how to handle strong negative emotions" — sedona method I think it is called) so that I was feeling really bad about myself and I was GRINDING through the sessions adn it was really tough on me mentally and I was crying during and after some of those sessions really badly and felt completely hopeless. Now however I am independent of the result (more atleast) and I dont care. It was hard to make that cahnge but I did it through that I felt the initial mindset of being dependent of the outcome was making me feel bad and then during a test which I do every week to track progress my mentality was "either I am independent of the result or I am going to play a game of hoping that the development is really bad" so that I don´t take it so seriously. And now it feels good again!!! I have had 2 or 3 sessions now which didn´t feel like hell, yes they were hard but through the right mindset, the right breathing adn some other stuff like persevering in the putting tension in my feet I now feel a lot better about going to do the workout than before. And the thing that I felt is my meditation practice actually, because in th ebeginning of my meditaiton practice (8months ago or so) I was really dependent on the results. However I didn´t get any, and so I grew tired of waiting for the results of meditation and I just kept doing it because it feels kind of good when I do it. Now I haven´t even gotten that much benefits of meditation yet even though I have practiced it for 30 minutes a day (with maybe 40 days missed in these 8 months if I am going to be honest but that is a lot better than 8 months missed!!! going to get better now though and my habit tracker is really motivating me!!) but now it is just autopilot, and I don´t care so much about the results. I am going back to the practice though sometimes and trying to make it better but the most important thing I feel is just doing my best that I can do now. This insight is me feeling intrinsically motivated by the habit, not because I neccesarily like it but because I want the outcome and so I mainly focus on the process. I think this is wise but I have troubles defining it a bit right now as I just thought of this like 1 hour ago.

good night champ

[Yoremo]

can´t sleep though. FUUUUUUUUUUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK. My legs feel like there is an fucking ocean swirling around, it is so much circulation — has it always been this or am I just more aware of it? I think it is just my fucking training. So fucking annoying, it is fucking 11 pm!!!!!!!! I will get 7 hours if I were to fall asleep at this moment.

*deep breath and now I am calm. Now I am going to take it easy, take a small walk in the house, go to the toilet whatever, and then just lie down in my bed and just lie there, I am going to try and not to sleep (have you forgotten this you little grabb).

listening to some sooooothing music and the winds outside the house, calm down dude. I think this might be that I am charging at my emotions head on more that I usually do, or not, but it is good though.

If it is that then I will gladly sleep a bit worse for a while to have the emotional intelligence later on adn the self knowledge that I feel that is coming out of just the shadow work and sedona method as I will call it from now on (maybe need to check if sedona method is what I am doing though)

probably though, this is just that I did this workout late and then ate dinner after and then tried to sleep with my body still in action. I need to be able to calm myself down more. It is weird, I do my 30 minute meditation before I go to bed every night and I feel completely relaxed as I did today aswell, but still my body hasn´t calmed down for real after 30 min, it is still going. Probably saying more about my emotional state than my meditation "skills".

I want to love everybody, feel love for the people I have looked at in disgust. I want to meet my emotions head on and say it is okay and accept them as they are and feel good about doing this. I want to experience life, go out and meet new people, go out in the world with friends, connect (I got tears from thinking about how connecting to people is something I am craving so much, connnection on a deeper level), to connect to nature and animals, to achieve higher and higher levels of mastery in some inspiring and driving craft of mine, to feel those feelings which I am dreaming of in my mind, taken from my imagination and from all the books and small glimpses of those emotions in my life.

I feel as though I am heading in the right direction in life, but I can´t help but think about "what if I fuck up and just quit these awesome things I am finding out to do?". Maybe I will. But I don´t think so, not in the scale I have done in the past because I want to do something now, and I feel that the things I am learning about things like purpose, emotions and other stuff will make it impossible for me to fall back again. But I don´t have that complete knowledge to back myself up so I need to step up my game in learning. I am thinking about going in to town on the weekends and going to the library in town and just sitting there watching videos and reading books about this stuff so I can get something done so I don´t need to listen to my family being negative and self sabotaging. But maybe the library is closed - it was open from 10 am to 4 pm so I can get some gnarly good hours of learning, I could make that atleast one day and then also read or meditate on the bus there and home so it will be gnarly good (as the weekdays are). becuase that is what I am trying to do at home but can´t because I am always trying to find a safe and quiet place to be at, but the library is quite nice so I´ll go there (maybe I can meet someone there too, or meet up with someone in town while I am at it? would be a great fucking day). Maybe do some pickup tries on people (?). Or am I too much of a pussy still? probably and it is probably too hard for me to do something like that but if I see a good looking girl alone (so I don´t feel judged by other people) that might be a good way in to pickup. Actually I hope to get a girlfriend (just to try it out) soon, but also not because that would make me forced to work harder. But having a girlfriend would alleviate that stress of being a virgin and never having had a girlfriend. I have always wanted do have a girlfriend but i got the wrong picture of how to get in bed and make them my girlfriend, I always was afraid to physically escalate because of the whole metoo thing but now I realize that is just my ego finding some good excuces as to why I should keep being a loser — no more. I have been afraid to escalate it into something serious because I have been afraid to go to far and be to pushy and hurt the girl emotionally (so in that sense I have been a "nice guy") but I now know that I can escalate and if things "go wrong" I can just apologize and go on, on her if she just wasn´t ready or just leave her. I have also been afraid of others opinions because I have myself always looked at guys who approached girls and escalated as disgusting (because I don´t dare to myself) and I am afraid that others will view me as a player or a fuckboy which I really don´t want to be viewed as. But i guess as long as I am myself and having the foundation authentic and genuine in everything i do I will be alright even if I make mistakes. Because other than that I think I am a pretty naturally attractive and charismatic guy. But that has of course sometimes been a show in the past but it has been a show mostly when I have felt good and becaue of that not been myself (maybe I don´t feel so good all the time bro). But I want to build myself up with this emotional work among other things such as life purpose and health adn stuff so I can be the person I want to be and live the way I want to live, without having to "fake it till you make it" as I have done so much in the past. Fuck, I have written for 30 min. feeling tired af but can´t sleep, and I know tomorrow will be hell but I feel a lot bettter after writing a bit.

I want to be (PLEASE BRO HOLD YOURSELF ACCOUNTABEL FOR THIS AND REMEMBER THIS WHEN YOU ARE MORE SUCCESFUL) the guy that includes and is ME to everybody, the doorholder, the waiter, even people I know I will never meet again. If I can accomplish this then I am on my way of doing what I want with my character in that facet of life. Being that friendly person, but being me, not just being "nice" — noone likes a nice person except for the weak and insecure people. Me being a fully integrated (think I know wtf that means) human being being myself authentically genuinly and finding pleasure in just doing that and having nice interactions with people.

I want to find the strength to forgive my parents and everybody else.

I am finding strength through a lot of new things right now, but one new thing which I think will be GREAT is ice baths. I have a pond outside and I break the ice on that bitch and just lie down there with freezing water up to my neck, with my hands clenching against my thighs and breathing violently firstly, then....... calm. Feel fucking poetic writing "calm" down becaues it is such a nice feeling when you are in that. Thanks Wim Hof, you fucking inspiration. I love that guy. And my pond has nice plants in it aswell so I smell of them after and it smells like the finest perfume you will ever encounter. And the CONNECTION I feel is insane, it is a grounding practice and I feel grounded in the plants and birds and animals around me and I feel better afterward in every way. Have only done it 3 times and the good feelings don´t last so long now but since I have done this in the past I know it will get better, especially when I don´t get cold anymore and I LOVE that. I feel so fucking masculine (maybe this is toxic but wtf I don´t know) when I am going round in a fucking t-shirt being HOT in the midst of fucking winter when all the female guys can´t even stand it with 5 layers. Well that last part is just something else, I don´t even know what. But I feel fucking powerful atleast is what I am trying to say, fuck the cold (love the cold) and stay warm. HAHA to stay warm I have to stay cold

I want to connect. I love people, I am a highly extrovert being conditioned to believe that socializing isn´t somehting that I can enjoy or even partake in, but I am longing for it. I am seeking for it. And I get it, in small doses in school. But I feel like a fucking beta right now and I don´t like that. But to be a real alpha later on and not a macho, toxic alpha as I was before I think I need to taste the low parts of the hierarchy aswell. Now I understand betas. I am them, I am me, I am everything? what the fuck do I knwo I am just copying bro.

Ok, I don´t want to stop writing, but I think I have to go to sleep. Please just do that. You are better of trying to sleep in the dark for some time in darkness than wrting on this journal tbh. My body feels weird. My whole experience of life seems a bit moved and changed after shamanic breathing and meditation, and I do feel osme resistance to it, egoic response to development or just a response to something getting weird? I think they both said the same thing tbh.

"not everything you feel is true" — sounds better in my language but but. It resonates because I have seen this so much. much rather 1% improvement every day than trying too much and giving up right away? this i learned from atomic habits, which is really good. I am so slow at learning and reading books though. I need to do something about it, right! the library at the weekends.... mumble mumble goodnight even though I feel a bit stuck

[Yoremo]

Define living life to the fullest —

Living life to the fullest means to have knowledge of oneself, to know where you are kidding yourself and how you work psychologically and physically aswell. This to be able to sift through the bullshit you may be telling yourself, because living life to the fullest means that you are intending to do that, and now you have to find the truth about "how to live life to the fullest" and if you do not know how you work and how you fuck yourself over, you will not be able to do this.

Being spontaneous. Being able to just do something without thinking it through on occasion. This is not a regular thing but to be able to follow your intuition and decide if it is in alignment with "living life to the fullest". For an example, say some of your friends asks you if you want to get drunk af and that is basically the spontaneous action you can take that day, and maybe that is not living life to the fullest, but maybe it is depending on the people asking. It is all about feeling inwards on the authentic feeling about this. The hard thing is that feeling part.

doing things you love. The net result of your day´s ahould be positive. Everyday should feel great and you should feel enthusiastic and that what you do has meaning and that you want to do what you do more than other things.

Experiencing life on all levels. Not just excluding yourself from parts of life. Like for me for an example, I am in a rough period (maybe I am in what´s called a mid life crisis, even though I´m just 17) and I have essentially excluded myself from all parts of life. This is not a good life. A good life is not to feel good and then just because you feel good not explore other areas of life. Getting "civilised" or comfortable or stuck in a routine. Changing things up and experiencing the good and the bad so to speak. This is (more concrete) that you maybe should read more fiction and just do that, or travel more to see cultures, or play a instrument, or learning a language, or joining some kind of group. And not getting STALE, cuz if you get stuck in that you are dead.

Learning. About yourself mostly but also about other things. Things will show their true form and this is apparently good (don´t actually know why I included it but I guess that this is good but I haven´t really experienced this myself fully but my gut feeling says that learning makes you live a "better" life, a better life meaning a life which you would choose to live over another way of living)

Going deep in something. Making something a great part of your life for atleast a period of time which you intend to master and perfect. This in balance with doing a lot of different things feels good.

Not getting stuck in a certain kind of thinking. Remaining stubborn over some belief and keeping attachment to beliefs.

love. Being able to love everybody and not Being stuck in hatred and resentment because of your own internal environment. Being able to get over yourself

Being a very socially good person. The interactions between humans mean a lot, and being good at sensing cues and being able to be your higher self genuinely with people and feeling good about the social aspects

Coming to terms and accepting hard truths about the world, about yourself and others.

going out in nature and being with animals. Having that connection between you and nature and animals.feeling it

being generally just wise. In a more generall sense because I am lazy, being wise makes everything so much easier.

 

This is just what I thought of now, but feels like a decent list, I want to know more concrete what I am after, because right now I am just chasing after feelings which I fantasize about and I feel alone and like I am falling in space and being out of control with this. I am doubting if I will ever be able to do any of this stuff or if I will go back to "normal" again. My normal is so pathetic unfortunately. Everyone I know is just going down in quality of life. 

I am very interested in the world wars, and the people. I am, for some reason, very interested in their death. I also feel more connected to life and I just see that everyone in those wars both lived great lives but also shitty lives at the same time. I dunno I just feel inspired to live my life when I read about them and see pictures. Like I feel that the average life was so much better than today. But I think today the possibility of how good of a life you can have is much greater but most people nowadays seem so fragile and frail, and they don´t even like looking at their computers and phones and being in isolation all the time (covid or not). I feel that people during those times lived, they knew the risks and knew that they would probably die but if I am going to die this miserable I would much rather go out as a soldier, having fun while it lasts and then die young. Really. I am so lusting for real connection, I wish I was born in a place where people went outside together and just had fun in nature or whatever. My life is so pale in comparison to that. Maybe I am being ignorant and ignoring other aspects like poverty and stuff but much rather poverty and connection to people than being middle class in today´s age and being a fucking loser. That time´s losers were the. bums on the street, everyone else just sacked it up and did what they needed to do. I think I am seeking comradery, a group of boys whom I fucking love as my brothers. That would be something. Just being ourselves and being men and having fun. fucking hell. I am scared of the life I will have if I do not sack up and pull my shit together. I feel that today´s society is so toxic, but I think it is just me being toxic and then projecting. FUUUUCK. I am not even that willing to give up my comforts. This is just so brutal, I know it doesn´t feel that way when you are out of this misery but being in it just feels so fucking hard. And even if I would like to join the army or whatever group of men I can´t because my body is broken, I have just been sitting at a chair in school as a good fucking student as I am and not listening but still being there and wasting my time. I feel something looking at that time period. Like some sort of indescribable good feeling about it. 

ight, will be going to sleep. Feeling ok, just haven´t slept good so have not been able to do good work in school but school aint important so whatevs. I am trying to socialize with people and I can feel my insecurity, my sentences are not coming out smooth and I feel insecure and uneasy, but on the way. Just had a emotional setback a couple of days ago and wanted to fuck of with this journal and never see it again but feeling... they come and go and they are not always true. Good training good overrall. Will be getting a dog this friday night, will take advantage over that fuck and just absorb the happiness from that little boy. playing guitar consistently everyday now, trying to find some enjoyment in my life

[Yoremo]

WOOOO, game plan.

I have been stuck now for a while in some negative spirals and have been stuck in action taking aswell. So I need to do something. I saw a video on yt on how to get out of the "self improvement depression". Basically what he said is to distrust the mind, don´t trust the mind´s logic or reasoning. Second, do mainly nothing, meditate, journal and exercise and sit around and do nothing, in the true essence of the word doing nothing, so no youtube or nothing. Just sitting and not doing much. I thought his ideas were really good so I am going to implement it straight away now, because spontaneous and dumb probably. But I would like to add some things, which I would feel he intended that I should do. Ice baths and cold showers. Sedona method. Shamanic breathing. Shadow work (one part of journaling). playing the guitar. I do not think I need any videos or anything atm, I feel I just need to go within because the feeling I have had in the past has been that a lot of advice I have gotten has been super profound and good, but since I have been stuck in a "depression" or just stuck more generally I haven´t been able to do anything about it. How do I resolve? through doing less. I always feel that I am missing out, and therefore I am watching youtube (ironically enough, and all of it is just bullshit). So I am going to be a lifestyle minimalist (haven´t watched that video of leo´s but I can guess what he meant with it). Not forgetting about listening to affirmations during the day etc. but that is something I do during dumb shit I do (school work). and breathwork

I feel that this will make me feel myself and feel where I need to go and also this simplification will make things clear for me. No reading books or anything, no videos, no asking for advice about self improvement. Because honestly I don´t use it. And I won´t trust my mind with this one. It´s too dangerous to risk my quality of life. 

So:

exercising like 6 or 5 days a week, will take a lot of time but it´s worth it

meditation atleast 30 min a day in the evening, like 5 min in the morning just to start of the day

playing the guitar atleast 5 min a day

shamanic breathing atleast once a week on saturday

ice baths on the weekend is must and good on the weeks too, ciold showers every pther day. Going to go slow on the cold so I don´t go to hard on it now in the beginning because I got sick by doing that the other year

doing atleast one session (around 45 min) of shadow work everyday (this is tied in to journaling)

journaling in all of my time over, no nothing else, I am a fucking journaler

sedona method as soon as I feel some positive or negative emotion tugging at my attention.

EDIT:  if I can manage to attend some social gathering during this time that is also a pass aswell as hanging out on school. I will only engage in conversations and engagements in school which feel good, not those who don´t and when it doesn´t feel good I just walk away and either find someone else or I focus on my work

 

So, fuck everything else. Will think a bit more in the upcoming hour and think it through more. I feel as though this would be a good start though. Will edit this comment a bit in a bit

I wonder if this is a good idea? can´t ask people I know so can ask on this forum. So the idea is that I journal on this thread, but that I don´t look at other threads, and I won´t watch youtube or anything like that. So this feels like a good idea and I want to try it out no matter what people on this forum thinks. Honestly I don´t care at this point and I will not ask because someone maybe will make me insecure or unsure about this decision.

I will do this for a month. No tv no nothing. Just for the sake of it. My goal is NOT to get rid of bad habits, my goal IS to look inwards and find myself and actually accomplish something by doing "nothing". The reason I want to do this is because I have felt the power of being alone in your thoughts without the amount of influence I have now on a day to day basis. Finding calm, assertiveness and clarity from within. That is what I am all about. 

How will this look? Like I wrote above, I will do a plan every sunday where I just plan out the brief frame, but the rule is: "If I do not do anything of the things above or any activity in school, then I will journal, do shadow work or the sedona method and basically do nothing and be bored and have to look inwards". 

I RESOLVE; I COMMIT; I DONT FUCKING CARE ABOUT THE CONSEQUENSES I WANT TO DO THIS SO FUCKING BADLY AND I WILL DO IT; FROM NOW ON THIS IS WHAT I WILL BE DOING THERE WILL BE NO EXCEPTIONS DURING THIS MONTH AND I DONT CARE AND I WILL JUST PERSEVERE AND GET TO KNOW MYSELF I DONT CARE IT WILL ALL BE WORTH IT EVEN THOUGH THIS IS JUST THE STEPPING STONE BUT THE STEPPING STONE AND THE FIRST STEP IS THE MOST IMPORTANT BECUASE IT IS WHAT ENSURES ALL THE OTHER STEPS I DONT CARE ABOUT HOW I WILL FEEL DURING THIS BECAUSE I KNOW I WILL WANT TO QUIT SO BADLY AND HAVE SUPER BORIND WEEKENDS AND WANTING TO JUST END THE BOREDOM AND JUST GET MY MIND ON YOUTUBE OR SOMETHING BUT I WONT BECAUSE I DONT WANT TO I DONT CARE I WILL DO THIS NO MATTER WHAT I WILL ACT UPON WHAT I AM SOWING RIGHT NOW AND NOONES GOING TO STOP ME AND I WONT QUIT EARLY BECAUSE IT FEELS GOOD I WILL NEVER STOP BECAUSE IT IS THE DAY THAT I STOP THAT I WILL DROP DOWN AND GET FUCKED OVER BY MY MIND AGAIN

Edited January 20, 2022 by Yoremo

[Yoremo]

this is going to be it. THis is my life for the next month. I will be doing the emotional work, working through it all, this is what I ahve been putting off for YEARS and now finally I can begin, I feel liberated from the uncertainty, I feel free to be bound to this for a month. Maybe two who knows. But no matter what I NEED to do it for a month and then I will see how I feel and hopefully I can be honest about it. I need to look deeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep inwards, because those areas have been completely hidden from me. They are completely undiscovered territory for me since I have not taken the time to look within. I have always been confused like "I am not scared to look within" as everyone thinks I am, the thing is I ahven´t let myself take the neccesary time to look within because it doesn NOT come natural for me as it is right now, and that is perfectly fine because that is my starting point. I will not judge myself too much, I will try to let myself off the hook and relax into this month but not in a toxic way, but in a calculated and well thought out way, which is the thoughts which I am having now and I am going to take great advamtage over the good intentions I have now for the growth of myself during this month.

I am feeling all feelings in my chest, when I am doing the sedona method everything feels right there. Fuck, hungry? in the chest. Anxious? in the chest. Angry? in the chest. It is sometimes tha tlike happiness can feel somewhere else but other than that I hold everything in my chest. Unless it is a life threatening heart disease of course jokes on you you paranoid fuck

feeling a bit overworked by my training an ddecided to take 2 rest days now and wold you guess, my achilles started hurting now again. Don´t think it is reversing progress but it is just a sign that my fascia and mind is tired to I will take the neccesary GOOD rest days of of ALL of training and try to recover and feel good and all of that during these days. Good choice but still keeping up to walk and stuff. The training IS paying of though, I can walk with my super stressed classmates in their ridicolous walking pace now, I can get of the bus without really thinking about it. So it is paying of even though it is very slow but as coach said, the changes can be very fast and usually happens in the weeks 5,9 and 12 in the training cycle and I am in week 3 now so soon there. And no illnesses!!!!!!!! The ice baths seem to pay of. Half of my class has had covid in these last few weeks but I haven´t felt a thing which hasn´t been the case before. So the ice baths are really doing their thing and I feel good by doing them. And if you are reading this from another country, yes we are in school studhying in sweden so that´s why. Good on the ice baths. I get all red and when I breathe deep after getting out I feel this intense warm sensation going throughout my body. Proud that I can get out there, maybe not so depressed after all... No I am not depressed, I just lack some needs like a purpose and meaning and some other stuff like social interactions, other than that I am quite fine. Aswell as my body is fragile atm but all good, it´s getting better.

I don´t know what I am going to do about school, I chose the natural science programme and now I am fucked sideways into choosing between like physics, math and biotechnology, and I don´t really want to do any of them. In this way I just feel very uninspired to do these things because I feel uneasy and uncomfortable in my body and in myself and so I don´t want to do shit like this that is striving for something and especially not when I don´t really want to do it and I didn´t want it. But I will have to make a choice to mid february I think. Well, maybe I will quit school anyways by summer so. But feels hard on me but I will just choose what feels best right now in terms of how much I like the subject and how much I think I can handle now. 

Goodnight yall, will see if my parents can shut the fuck up so I can sleep. Funny how they made me go to sleep when I was younger and now when I am older I am trying to get to sleep but they keep me awake at night. hmmmmmmm. They are sketchy in some of their actions, but then they are probably like me in the way that they don´t either have calrity or anything good in terms of mentality. poor us eh? not really. But maybe they will change if they can see a transformations of myself, but I think not unfortunately and honestly I have given up on them improving, so I will just accept them as they are and will try and work things out even though they have stubborness in a lot of areas

[Yoremo]

so goodmorning. Sitting all alone in the classroom as of now. Quite excited for the new idea I have, and still today I feel I want to do it even after a goood nights sleep. Sleeping a lot better day by day now, the weighted blanket makes me not toss and turn so much so will keep it. Going to try and talk to my parents about a new mattress and new pillow, would probably help with both sleep and the back and neck pain I have had. 

My achilleses feel alright today, they were pulsating and the right one hurt when I was extending it, but now it feels all good. And they were kind of itching inside and my experience is that when they do that they are healing LIke when a wound starts itching it is because the wound is almost entirely healed, it is just the last part of the healing of the skin that itches. So all good I think but still going to take today easy and maybe tomorrow too depending on how I feel today and tomorrow.

So the meaning of my idea is to make myself bored and I must make myself sit with myself alone with my thoughts and my feelings. Which is what I have tried to do for so long but haven´t had a idea about how to do. Before I have been trying to be entirely isolated, but that didn´t work very well so this is kind of in between because I still have school, and I think that they will both help each pther. And I hopw something good comes out of it, what I am kind of expecting is more understanding and then having some emotional leverage because of that, aswell as emotional leverage from the insane boredom I might encounter. ONE THING THOUGH: I am going to be able to put on some sounds to listen to so that it will not just be a month of listening to my parents talking etc. because I have really bad concentration but maybe that will get better too during this, I would guess it should.

Well, now it´s school. Don´t know how the fuck to handle school because I just don´t like it at all.

[Yoremo]

having real hard to actually see myself doing this which I described above, but it will be worth it so will make a plan tomorrow on the week and just follow and make it happen, no real pressure to do anything good.

My parents bought a dog, this is the best fucking dog I´ve ever seen in my life, listens so well and is just a real charmer. Really happy about it, will provide me some good company at home. Love him. He is so darn cute it is hard to describe.

[Yoremo]

Why do I begin stuff and not finish it?

this has been a reocurring theme of mine during my self development journey and it is still very prominent now, I set goals a while ago after listening to a programme of Brian Tracy, and I made them pretty good (atleast some of them) but I just stopped. What is it that makes me stop? why? I watched a youtube video a couple of days ago and it had 3 reasons why your motivation is lowered. 1: you don´t see improvement. 2: you don´t have a purpose bigger than yourself. and 3: when I set too big or too small goals. And I think these three kind of encapsulate what I am going through. These are just from my memory as I will not look at more self help advice for a month, not even on this forum really except if it has to do with some of the things I am doing which I want to improve.

So, why do I begin stuff and not finish it?

I usually feel discouraged, and even though I see progress many of the times I have this feeling of "what´s it gonna matter/do anyway, it´s for nothing". I don´t feel that incentivized to do it, I don´t have that drive. So this probably means that my purpose kind of sucks, that I am trying to fabricate a purpose to not feel that bad about past purposes I have had which I haven´t had the ability to attain or pursue. And then that feeling of despair and meaninglessness overwhelmes me so that I get paralyzed, I can´t do anything to do about it because I do not have the tools to handle it so usually I resort to food or momentary pleasures like youtube or movies or procrastinating or porn or masturbating or whatever. why do these pleasures seem so good when externally it seems that I am doing good with my progress? Because I am feeling good about my progress but I feel a bit dirty about pursuing what I am pursuing (now this is only in my subconscious because I just feel the feeling of feeling dirty). Maybe I am pursuing something which isn´t what I am "supposed" to pursue? in other words I am pursuing something which I don´t REALLY want to pursue. And I need to practice to feel into things and realizing which things I want to do and what things I don´t want to do. Why do I feel the need to these external immediate satisfaction pleasures? I feel that I get something from it, yes. Food makes me feel comfortable because when I am overly full I feel safe. I value feeling that way because I have been doing this since I was a child, eating a lot and that comforts me. How does that even comfort me? because when I am indulging I am doing so in a very mindless way and I am not even present and feeling what I am eating, how could that be comforting? because when the stomach is full I feel kind of warm and drowzy inside and it feels good. Why is a drowzy feeling feeling good, doesn´t that feel bad? For some reason I look forward to sickness and illness and injury (I feel a bit shamefull about this but here it goes) because that forces me into a state of passivity. It creates a excuse for me not to take action and be a successful man. It provides me with an excuse. And feeling drowzy is kind of like feeling a fever, kind of makes you not so likely to active action. And what this does for me is that it provides an illusion of no control so that I can feel good about not achieving or going out trying to achieve things. So food is just a way to stimulate illness to kind of impair me to be honest, and that relieves some of the pressure I feel is from others and from myself (both created internally) to achieve. I think this has something to do with me trying to impress my parents when I was younger, but they were always focusing on the negative aspect, and the wronging I did so the best way to relieve this was being sick or unjured, because then they would have empathy and all of a sudden act like as if they cared. Now some of this is just some speculations but I am trying to dive deep into how tf this works, and maybe when I know that maybe then I can transcend it. But probably need some kind of bodily release for that aswell but I am working on it. But why was it always so neccesary for me to achieve when I was a kid and now? Like where does this come from? I feel like my parents wanted me to do the best I could in life and would then think that the way to make me improve and get better was through critizising everything because "then the boy will reconsider his actions and make it better the next time". Because now, 17 years old, I feel that I am doing the same thing when I am in that power position. And I feel this comes from a really good intention but it is just so wrong based on how psychology works. It is not really their fault, there is no one to blame and I forgive them because I now see myself being as they are and therefore I can relate to why they do what they do and also the same for me. Not saying it is good though. But the responsibility to both fix my own insecure feelings about doing stuff wrong/right aswell as this stupid thing I am doing imposing this stupid idea onto others like my sister is also MY responsibility. 100 % responsibility for my life, the blame aint that important but the responsibility is for the outcome of my life and the time I spend here on this earth. So this really went sideways from where I began, but is my obsession over food correlated to my fear of not doing enough? I would think so, but maybe my thought that I am doing it because I want to be "impaired" is flawed, because mostly I feel that I want to eat food because it gives me a feeling of satisfaction. do I feel satisfied when I have eaten much or unhealthy? Well, it feels really good when I am eating it, but I wouldn´t say even the minute after. It. gives me a pleasant sensation in my mouth that goes away instantaneously. What am I left with? sometimes I feel guilt and shame if I think about how it is ruining my aspirations of being physically healthy and mentally healthy. But if I leave the self imposed feelings, what are the feeling after? It is usually just a feeling of satisfaction though, I can´t deny it. When I have eaten, especially when it is just a lot, I feel very nice in my stomach. It has some satisfactory aftertaste through the absence of hunger and no craving of food. I do not like to crave food. But why does it always have to be so much in volume and grease and sugar? well, because I am not actually enjoying it and being mindful of the experience so that leaves me ultimately unsatisfyied when I could have been satisfiyed if I had just noticed "oh, here comes the food into my mouth. Yummy yummy. feels good" you know? feeling into it and experiencing it "food is a experience" — kind of. Maybe it should be but I am not really doing that, I am rushing my eating and not tasting it. Because I am always stressed and that habit I can thank school for and the stupid fucking time limits you have on eating lunch. I was always a supeeeer slow eater when I was a kid and I wanted to eat every meal for like an hour. But at school we didn´t have that time and everybody tried to get me to hurry up and whooopdado a couple years later and here I am eating my big fucking dinner in 5 minutes. No joke, I begun fast eating like them on youtube and kind of thought it was cool or something and still doing but not thinking it is as cool (but still a bit). But what is about that fucking craving though? why does that even occur? I feel a feeling, and I want something to fix it. So when I crave food my brain´s solution to my emotional "problem" is food. "eat food and you will feel better", good right? And so if I am not mindful I will eat food and will "solve" the emotional "problem". But really it is just masking it. And from my newfound knowledge of emotions I can tell that when I am feeling the craving for food with some kind of underlying emotion that I do not want, then I need to do the sedona method which is basically just feeling into the emotion in my body and relaxing the body and allowing myself to feel the emotion. When this month is over I will read the "power of releasing" or whatever by something hawkins or whatever his name is. Got recommended that. If I do not sense any results whatsoever after these 4 weeks I will probably spend like 1000 dollars on some kind of therapy, to get me on my feet to be able to coninue my own therapy. But ok, so I know the solution, but it is really hard when I am feeling the urge to overeat or eat wrong to say "ok you have this feeling but just sit with it now." I´ll be like "fuck no, just let me eat you fuck. Unless you have some legitimate reason then I won´t. So I need to have a meaningful purpose which will make me just motivated enough to be like "yeah same procedure as always" and just fucking feel into it. Aside from the purpose it is just one of those things which you need to build up a habit of doing, and having the discipline to do it. But it is so hard to qaúantify this when it is in more broad aspects but if the habit goes "if you feel food craving, you will do the sedona method". (Learnt from atomic habits, fucking great book. really one of the only books I have read purposefully but fuck is it good for surface level habit changing). And couldn´t this be applied to every of my addiction? youtube, movies, porn, masturbation, social addiction such as being a dick. Yes I think that it could, but I am going to contemplate them too.

The three steps to say fuck of to my addictions:

1: Make a habit out of "when I feel the craving of {addiction} I do the sedona method"

2: Realize that to "give up" your addictions you have to have a good purpose for it. Build up a life purpose and smaller purposes, dreams and goals which are bigger than you aswell as not egoistically about you. Otherwise you are not going to be able to "give up" your emotional crutches.

3: Set the intention to do the sedona method. DECIDE to do it no matter what. It is in this fully commited decision that will make it not so unbearable. half ass commitment = confusion and tug of war between "am I serious about this or no? what the fuck are we doing?". 

 

Okay, so I need to check if this actually applies to the other addictions I have, and if not then I will atleast have more understanding of them. (random wondering, is this logical knowing even beneficial? or am I kidding myself? I have felt in the past that this might help, but well well, I will know by the end of these four weeks. And if you are actually reading this then it will be a fucking lot to go through. And I will try and write out my main insights in bold and other color so that I can see them in my journal, because there is no fucking way I will be going through my journal (atleast not for a couple of years).

So what are my addictions first of all? (this is going to take a fucking long time). on a second thought, I am just going to take the addictions that are really holding me back, the big ones: 

*youtube and movies (feel they are in the same category)

*mindless internet scrolling

*complaining

*porn

I will stop there because they are the big ones.

Youtube. Why do I get the urge to watch youtube? Because I want to feel better. And what is the emotion you are shying away from? Hopelessness and uncertainty and unclarity. So what is it that youtube is giving you? it gives me a feeling of home and security, and I want to do it now for an example because things are going a bit weird and it is a bit hard. So it is a comfort for failure and for when things are going badly. So the main feelings I am trying to avoid are: unclarity, hopelessness, uncertainty, failing something, when things are going bad and I feel out of control so out of control. This is my hardest and most intense addiction and I can nowadays spend HOURS on youtube if I do not watch myself very closely. So youtbue gives me a feeling of home and security and comfort, why? well first thing is that as a kid I watched a lot of youtube and it did the same thing for me then as now, it kind of made me impaired and comfortable and filled me with momentaryial good feelings. I was trying to get away from the hardship of being with friends because it was hard and is hard for me to get friends and so in a deppresing and sad way youtube is my only friend. it is making it possible for me to fog my mind and not be conscious of the things which I subconsciously don´t want to be conscious of. Like failure, what I am going to do with my life etc. and all of these hard questions and thoughts (which btw is the purpose of this month, ot face these things in a nondistracted frame of mind). It is a really good distractor from things I don´t like to look at and it makes me feel good in the process aswell (momentarily). And I also feel that if I am not watching I am missing out (which, if I am going to be logical which of course doesn´t decide what you do, is just so stupid "thinking" (rather feeling) because I would never be able to "catch up" on everything which I would be interested even if I commited my whole life to it. And really noone cares (except for some of my stupid classmates) if you have watched the latest video of mrbeast or whatever. So logically this behaviour is just fucking stupid, but of course this is not based on logic, it is based on emotions.). And becuase of the sheer width of my addiction to youtube it is very hard to think about this also because I probably don´t have the self consciousness which I might think I have. continuing this tomorrow, need to go to sleep.