Living My Life To The Fullest- Honoring My Life

[Yoremo]

Hey, this is my journey to start and live my life, I am deciding to love life everyday from now on, loving myself, everyone around myself, growing and finding myself.

I have never been this broken, I´m crying all the time and I feel bad as a human a lot of times. Now I want to actually take responsibility for myself and my life and my emotions. I´m not stuck anymore, I´m not bad I let go of this and feel the happiness in the moment and embrace reality and the journey of happiness. This is not me striving for anything, no, I am perfection in every moment and I am what I decide to be in the moment, and I choose to be what I want to be and I do what I want to do.

I may not have all the answers, I may not have all the advantages and things and help I want. I trust myself and that I can be happy now, I am happy now and I can be happy and "me" and the stillness at all times and I am the person I think I am. Trying to solve me being something I don´t want to be won´t do nothing, it focuses on the person that I don´t want. I can choose to be. I choose to be. I choose to do what feels good. I choose to learn and I choose the path. I choose to accept and love. I choose to be where I want to be. I choose how I feel through the thoughts I focus upon and the intent I put forth.

I have a lot of goals and dreams, but not all of them has been what I´ve felt for. I now respect my integrity and I am going to do what I want and focus upon what I want. My goal of soccer is maybe not meant to be, I honestly don´t want to do it now so I won´t, because I can´t and I don´t want to. What I want: I want to be able to socialize, I want to be an extrovert and introvert of my choise not succuming to anything. I want to feel good emotionally, I want to feel people and connect, I want to feel the dreams I have inside of me, I want to actualize the immense feelings of connectedness and happiness and satisfaction which I contain within me. I want to see how I can choose my beliefs if I notice them and how they affect everything. I want to live a life, a life which feels so immense and good so I don´t even know. I want to be strong, I want to be smart, I want to be kind, I want nature, I want to be able to provide and add value for the people around me and everything around me, and most importantly to myself. I love myself and I am all and everything that I need to be. I want to go out and experience adventures around the world with people, experience the world. I want to be an example to others of the embodyment of life, and not letting myself be distracted by how things "are".

I wish to not be determined by how my life started and blame everything on that. I intend to outgrow circumstance. I intend to show my love to the people around me in the same depressed situation I have been in through showing them that through using your mind in the way the mind works to your wishes makes everything so much better. I intend to, no matter what goals I have, to stay proactive in life and do the things I feel that I want to do. I know much feels unclear and unsure right now, but real power lies in acting and thinking myself in to whatever I want to do. Real power is self mastery, noone told me self mastery is easy, noone I know knows of the idea of self mastery, I want to help them and myself. I will find clarity in thinking myself and using my mind in a proper and constructive way to find a way and through making things simple and not overcomplicate things, it´s simple dude, might be hard but god damn it´s supposed to be simple.

My goals for 2022:

*getting a girlfriend (practice game and socialize), someone I can share my life with, doesn´t have to be the ultimate one but a real good one

(game/socializing goals):

*increasing my self esteem (which is basically consciousness and acting upon that consciousness)

*Developing positive self-talk

*indifferent to people´s opinions about me (no worrying or doubting myself because of fear of other people)

*charismatic (fixing my grumpy mood really, I know I am extremely charismatic if I don´t feel so bad)

*happy and funny and easy going (generally having more of a sense of humour ad enjoying things and laughing)

*being confident (so I can carry myself like myself without fear or anxiety, so that I can be the person I want people to know me as)

*masculine

*being "the man" here where I live-- Being a real genuine man without all the bullshit and insecurities which everybody has, I´m "that dude", the dude living his life and whom everybody looks up to

Other goals:

*stop being angry and having conflicts with my family, being the mature one to show and lead the way

*Get rid of my anxiety and all the symptoms which I guess is based on anxiety like my chest pains, breathlessness and just feeling like I feel stress inside of my body (I have social anxiety aswell as a lot of anxiety for other reasons which I am not entirely conscious of the reasons yet)

*Heightening my emotional quality overrall

*Starting the process of finding my life purpose

*gaining more clarity in life through learning from others and listening inwards

*Fixing my breathing completely so that I can breathe completely free

*Getting completely injury free (high af fascial fitness)

*rejoining soccer and trying it out to see if I still want to do it (when I am injury free)

*Passion for my life and purpose

*living my life the way I want to consciously and respecting the opinions of others but not really giving two fucks about it

*buying a car

*getting my drivers license

*having balance in my life and being able to balance and recover in a healthy way

*getting good sleep

*emotional awareness and understanding (emotional intelligence)

*getting rid off acne

 

 

That´s the goals for the year, they are not so defined or anything right now, but I just compiled what I feel that I want and I will try and compose a good plan of how to do this in a wise way. I might not succeed with everything but I will focus on developing myself this year in a good way. Some of these will just require me buying something, some that I develop some habits and some that I do something a couple of times only. The main resource I will use for building habits will be atomic habits which is a really good. The rest I will kind of research when it´s time to do that. I will build some habits for always learning to make this easy like reading and watching youtube videos.

The main requirement is that I have to really want to do what I do in the long term, I am allowed to feel otherwise during the process but I will make conscious and clear decisions when I decide to do something and then I will commit to it and follow through with it. But this also requires me to not make stupid decisions, I can make wrong decisions but they have to be really thought through anyway so I can avoid that as much as possible.

I don´t know how to organize this, but I will figure it out before school starts the 7 january and I will have clarity, never mind if it´s right, I don´t care I just need clarity. But I know one thing: I will start my journey by just having this journal as an accountability partner for me doing the core habits that will make me feel good, my morning routine, evening routine and some habits during the day. I will make it so that it won´t be too little or too much, because if it is then I won´t want to continue because it will not feel good. So that I can have some kind of base.

Then my thoughts right now (they can change, that´s okay) is that I will have a overlapping system to achieve goals more separetaly but I guess I will probably have to work on a couple of goals at once, and of course the attainment of some goals will make other goals easier. For example if I get injury free and pain free early this year it will help me with everything because then I don´t have to be so sad, mad etc. etc. 

I have had difficulties with making goals before, I have had difficulty stating them in a way so that I can actually achieve them. I think the solution is to listen inwards and contemplate and think about it (in kind of a pleasant and nice feeling kind of way) often and strategizing and thinking about how I can improve my plan and strategy. It is really hard for me to make my mind come up with concrete and good plans and keep going at them, but this is not a sign that it´s wrong-- who said it was going to be easy all the time? especially at the beginning I have to man up a bit and go through some pain and accept it and still move forward.

Another thing I will have to handle is how to implement my theory into practice, like the "how to get laid" seried which I took notes like 30 pages long-- how do I convert this into action and mental habits and fundamental understanding? well, I´ll have to figure it out, but clarity is key-- no matter if it is right or wrong I have to make myself make it clear so that I later on can learn from what I did (otherwise I don´t really know what I did).

And while I might not be achieving everything to the extent I want, I honestly don´t care-- why should I? Why would I? I want to show that it´s possible. I know the fucking abyss of bad feelings which come at you when you try to get better, but I will find strength inside of me through looking in the right places and grounding myself-- meditation, breathwork, music, contemplation, talking with people.

I will clear this up during the coming days.

Dare to be great. Dare to feel great rather.

In this journal I will set my goals, track my habits, and plan and strategize about the future.

Edited January 1, 2022 by Yoremo

[Yoremo]

So I will track my habits, I will start doing this on 10 january when I start school and routine kicks in again. (I will do this more or less until that too though, just not tracking)

The habits I want to start with:

morning routine and habits: 

*wake up right away by 05:55 am

*drink one liter

*sentence completions

*Brush my teeth, put on skin lotion, get my hair done, putting on perfume and deoderant (in that order)

 

* I will bring a water bottle to school and I will drink around 1-2 liters during the day—depending on how I feel

 

Then I ride the bus to school and home — like 45 minutes.:

So I´m going to have to make use of my time on the bus in one of the following ways: (the accountability will be to see that I atleast did something on the bus)

*meditation (on the breath)

*Reading and highlighting/noting the pages with good stuff on

*Watching a video about smth (not that good to do though since wifi doesn´t always work on the bus)

[I will just feel what I want to do and most of the time it will probably be the meditation because of how I have felt the last period of time.]

 

Evening routine:

*breathwork (either 5 min or 11 min, depending on how I feel)

*30 min meditation

 

*I will do my workout routine (fascial training the days I need to, atleast rolling and tc everyday, and then the full workout every other day with flexibility to take two days off if I feel like that would be better)

 

During the weekends:

*on saturday doing 30 min (slowly increasing) shamanic breathing (feels good)

*on sunday doing the schedule for the week (scheduling in all of the activities and habits so it works with school and appointments)

*on sunday cleaning my room (vaccuming, cleaning up my floor, desk and changing the bedding)

 

during school:

*Listening to atleast 2 hours of affirmations (while I´m doing stuff, not something active)

 

Getting good sleep:

*taking on blue light blockers 2 hours before bedtime

*going to bed at 9pm the absolute latest

 

*writing out this journal (don´t care when, I will just get it done, I will figure out the optimal times to do this when I start my routines)

 

This is the bare minimum which I feel I need to feel good. Note: I have many of these pretty nailed down already— have some new things on the list which are on the works more like sentence completions and listening to affirmations, but this is a good start and will ensure a baseline level of feeling good. I don´t know if these are bad, maybe some are, but as I said before—as long as I have clarity and thought it through it´s okay to fail. I don´t really know how to track these habits technically yet—I don´t know how to write it out on this forum without it being a complete pain in the ass.

Edited January 1, 2022 by Yoremo

[Yoremo]

So what goals do I want to pursue first? And how do I pursue them (i.e the process)? I could follow a model like SMART goals or something, and yes I can double check on the SMART model of goal-setting, but the most important thing I figured out is that my plan and strategy and everything around achieving my goal should be constructed in a way that I really want it. What I mean is that I don´t do it mechanically, that I think inside and outside of the box to make things work.

*the goal of me being pain free will be an ongoing process during the  whole year because I need consistent effort to achieve higher fascial fitness levels to make my body resistant.

*getting rid of acne is through facial hygiene, through my skin gel (I think that that is sufficient because I have not had as much acne since I started with it)

And for me to be able to really do anything else I need to develop my mind to be more positive, hopeful and raise my vibration (emotional scale), so affirmations is good for that, and this journal will help me achieve clarity, I will write out my notes on my computer of "atomic habits" tomorrow I think so that I can start and use that knowledge, I will try and use the emotional scale and dream board. Will think about how to do this more in detail more, have some ideas right now about that though. My idea of the emotional scale is just when I feel the worst in school (and don´t get anything done anyways) then I just go through the emotional scale. The dreamboard is a bit tougher, I can´t have my dreamboard in the middle of my living space because I don´t want my parents to see it, but through meditation and everything else it should feel natural when I should use it. Getting myself to feel a bit better is a pretense for me to be able to consider taking on more, because I fear the wall I hit when I do too much and I don´t want to do anything—because that usually means starting over from zero for me—but I will not let anything like that happen anyways but I need the emotional quality no matter what to be able to achieve this year and beyond.

I will make physical lists of my goals and what I really want to do first thing, physical because it makes it easier to get a view over everything. And I will have to consider what I want, what order would be most beneficial for the greater good and that´s basically it.

In the past I have tried to set goals aswell, but it hasn´t worked well and I want to analyze that a bit, not now though, have to go to bed.

I think that I will try and see if I can find places and people to socialize with since this feels the most important to me now, and the thing I´m most interested in and driven and passionate and the thing I feel the most good feelings about. And then this means work on me as a person to handle all the social aspects of my life, aswell as finding peace with my parents and my situation and my realationship with them.

I have a lot of difficulties of writing stuff like this, I tend to write a bit then watch youtube or something because that makes me feel better, but I´ll harness my drive and desire for this one and plan and strategize this one out during the coming week.

Hey! also I don´t need to train this week! It has really been a "need" to train the last 12 weeks, it has been so mind numbingly hard, I feel nervous already thinking about how hard it will be again, but empowered mindset doesn´t care. Let´s recover good and feel good now so I can tackle and attack the training once it starts again on wednesday!

[Yoremo]

So I can start with dividing my goals into different categories:

1: Goals that require me to buy things.

2: Goals that require me to do things regurarly throughout the whole year to bring results

3: Goals that require me to do things during a period of time

 

So in the past my main problem has been great doubt of myself and more generally just overwhelmingly bad feelings (which has led me to do things to suppress this through youtube, bad food, tv, movies, mostly youtube though — like yesterday night I watched yuoutube from like 9pm to 4 am because of the emotions I felt and that I didn´t want to face them and so I tried to hide myself basically — and this has to stop. Because even when I had my purpose and goals in soccer I still watched youtube alot even though it wasn´t as extreme as now.)

So I need to:

1: Gain emotional leverage and positive emotions about life in general and my goals and purpose in particular

2: I need to change my self image to believe that I can achieve and also bust some limiting belief about myself about what I "can´t do"

3: I need to only do things which I actually have a meaning for and which I want to do, genuinely.

This is just to not do my coping mechanism and self destructive behaviour of shuting off everything and turning into a passive human being and a victim. And now I remembered that:

4: I need to stop being a victim and take 100 % responsibility for everything in my life, fuck blame, that´s not what this is about, it´s all about taking responsibility to be able to change. I´m currently watching Leo´s all videos on victim mindset and I am going to get rid of this.

 

So it´s okay for me to plan my goals now. And I will also start and incorporate action which leads to some of these goals right away, but the main focus of the beginning is going to be to fix the above four. And really, if I can only do the above four points this year then I am going to be delighted: because the above four will ensure such a more smooth life than if I don´t have them (and I don´t have any of them down yet). So I will plan out those four with intent and more focus and intonation on those than anything else.

[Yoremo]

So I will start to plan them out and suggest things to achieve these goals (like habits and exercises).

So this is my first try, and this is just what I feel inwards that could help me to achieve those four points.

1: Gain emotional leverage and positive emotions about life in general and my goals and purpose in particular:

Meditation! I have felt more and mroe the last months that meditation makes me see life in a much brighter light, so I will do meditation in the morning on the bus, and I will do breathwork and then 30 min meditation in the evening (that is also because I sleep better if I do that).

Affirmations! I feel very good about affirmations! I have fallen of the wagon quite intentionally now because it is very hard to do affirmations when I am at home, but when school starts it is a lot more practical and doable. And then I have to listen and repeat affirmation that "life is good" basically + affirmations to boost my confidence and my belief.

 

2: I need to change my self image to believe that I can achieve and also bust some limiting belief about myself about what I "can´t do"

Don´t really know. Got the book "psycho cybernetics" recommended to me by someone on the forum so I will probably try and read this soon.

I believe that it is mostly to set the intention of how I want to be and then proving it to myself aswell as repeating the affirmations of that person to further engrain the belief. So what I mean is that I write down on paper what I want to be for example "I am good with women", then I work to figure out stuff that can make me better with women, and then I prove it to myself. This is almost a game, where I reinforce my identity. Another component of reinforcing identity is repetition — the more I repeat something the more I identify as someone who does what I am doing often, and this changes my self-image.

{Other than that I don´t really know, but I don´t know if I am lying to myself in the direction that I think that I should derive answers mostly from myself and keep it simple or that I really should look for answers, but I feel that my self derived answers makes me take action in a better way and more congruent way in some fucking way, don´t understand this fucking world dude}

 

3: I need to only do things which I actually have a meaning for and which I want to do, genuinely.

Basically, if I can´t find a reason as to why I should do something — then I don´t do it. And I should make this as a value of mine. One thing that does irritate me though is that I will have to go to school, which I don´t want to do but if I quit now I´d probably go into some scary depression because school enables to get some needs met which I cant meet in any other way (like meeting people) and it is also a sense of comfort and safety, and I need to develop myself more before I can go out in the world single handedly, but my goal is that I should be able to that after this year. This year´s goal is really to find myself and find belief and use my emotions in my favor.

 

4: I need to stop being a victim and take 100 % responsibility for everything in my life, fuck blame, that´s not what this is about, it´s all about taking responsibility to be able to change. I´m currently watching Leo´s all videos on victim mindset and I am going to get rid of this.

Well, I am watching Leo´s videos so I´ll continue that and then try and ACTUALLY take action on it. I don´t feel like it really, just watching the videos feel pretty good, but the atualizing this just .... I HAD AN EPIPHANY!!!!!!!!! The reason I don´t want to take action is because my belief of HOW it is going to feel to take action on it, like how defuq do you know how it feels bro? This realization just made it feel a lot better now, and I am confident that I will do it. I will do whatever it takes to get rid of my victim mindset, and if I have to guess I would guess that I would need to meditate on this a lot and contemplate it and remain conscious of it A LOT, and also sitting down and realizing where I have this victim mindset so that I can be more conscios and alert when those situations and contexts arise.

 

I realised one more thing that I probably need, which maybe is related to the other points to a great extent but whatever:

5: Finding my life purpose, more specifically doing the LP course — so many people has praised it on this forum so it has to be really insightful and this is probably also very foundational to everything else

 

So I have all these pointers that I want to achieve and that rewuires work. So I need to compile some plan which doesn´t fuck me up in its great volume, it has to be balanced.

 

[Yoremo]

So how could I incorporate these into my life as quick as possible without it completely everwhelming my life to the point that I can´t do anything else?

 

Habits:

meditation on the bus 

breathwork and 30 min meditation in the evening before bed (45 minutes, no real harm to my time by this)

Listening to affirmations when I am doing stupid work (school) and doing situational self-talk and such as in the self talk book I read (going to take proper notes of the book so that I can make my affirmations as powerful as I can) — probably not too much effort, just a change in the way I use my mind aswell that I get used to listening to affirmations during the day instead of music.

Doing some kind of habit of convincing myself of myself (my higher self) where I set intention during weekend and prove it to myself in some way — takes some time and requires a lot of effort but I can go pretty slow forward, and going slow forward is probably the way to go aswell.

I need to continue researching these areas of self image and emotions through Leo´s videos aswell as reading books and checking the internet. This takes a lot of time and takes effort to take good notes and then actually acting on it. Have to make some kind of plan of how I should learn, i.e. how and when I read to learn stuff. Maybe I can do that during the weekends only in between me going out (have to be socializing, which is my goal and I will make this clearer) when I take buses aswell as in the dead time before the partys and stuff. Maybe I can commit to learn every weekend for some kind of time period like "every weekend I learn stuff for 10 hours" — and making embodying and making the information my own a part of this so I can actually use it.

I would need to do the LP course also but I really don´t know how the course is and therefore I can´t really asses it. But probably it would take time during the whole week, and to do both the LP course aswell as resears about emotions and stuff would probably be too much. So maybe I could fix my understanding and experience of emotions, self-image and stuff and then I could begin the LP course after a couple of months, but the main thing is fixing my emotions and self-image and stuff.

[Yoremo]

I think that first of all I need to optimize my sleep as far as I possibly can — so I can say "fuck off" to sleep and not care about it so fucking much and just have it going on in the background of my life and so it doesn´t take so much mental capacity from me. 

So this is my list of things I will do/ will buy now:

Habits:

* try and get myself exposed to sunlight during the day

*Put on my blue light blocking glasses 2-3 hours before bedtime

*Not consume caffeine (haven´t consumed caffeine in like a month but I must remain vigilant and not fuck up because caffeine is not making me feel good)

*Go to bed and wake up at the same times throughout the week (even on the weekends, will probably have to fuck up once a week because I am going ooout)

*I am taking magnesium, will not take any other supplements because I like to consume supplements because they stimulate my fantasy of a magic pill to solve all my problems, but magnesium works a bit so I will continue to take it.

*won´t drink alcohol, haven´t yet and I´m 17 and I will continue this way

*I have blackout curtains, earplugs to make me sleep better

*I try to eat atleast 2 hours before I sleep, but I can´t really decide that because I am a bit dependent on my parents but they seem to help me to make dinner in a good time

*I am doing meditation and breathwork right before I go to bed to make me feel good and make it easier for me to sleep

*I try to exercise as much as I can during the days — it will be more though when I have healed my body from pains and injuries

*I don´t drink any water for like 1 hour or 2 before bed so that I don´t have to go up and pee during the night

 

And these habits are going to make my sleep a lot better. But one thing that I need to change is my mattres, pillow and blanket. Because there are a lot better versions of these made to make me sleep better. I think that I can get hold of a weighted blanket which should be good, because my parents just bought for themselves and said they could buy one for me aswell, and I can test out my fathers blanket so I will and see if it helps out. I could probably get another pillow aswell. But I looked up mattresses and they cost about 500 dollars so I will probably just wish that for my birthday and hope I can get it. Will research and talk to my parents about it today during dinner.

[Yoremo]

And I believe that I am right in that the right or the way that makes more sense is to try and make life so that everything is really easy. Not saying that I should only do the easy things, but hard things should be easy most of the time. Easy as in not something I hate or condemn, because doing something you hate is really hard (from own experience). The goal is to develop yourself so that I can do only what makes me feel good, and this has the foundation in a developed mind, a mind which isn´t catastrophical and negative out of default. It is a mind that is right, I don´t really know or can articulate in all the ways the mind works when it does in this way, but the net worth of emotions is really positive in the end. Yes, there might be a lot of resistance, but I believe the perception of resistance and pain and struggle is very different when the mind if different. Which further arguments that I do not need to look outwards for solutions, I need to look inwards into my mind and decide what to create. But at the same time there exists outer solutions for some problems, like changing diet and stuff. But I feel like this is just so foundational that it is a requirement for a high level of mindset. The argument of looking inwards is only used in other contexts than the ones which rely upon outer circumstance (this isn´t clear at all, I know. The way to know if it is something in the mind or not is to try). For example: I feel mad and angry at everyone in the world. This doesn´t mean that I need to change the whole world, it means that I need to change myself. But on the contrary: I might feel really fatigued and I eat shit and sleep shit: then there is no solution on the inside, the solution is changing your behavious, which is still changing yourself but it is changing yourself to change the environment to make the environment advantageous to develop. 

Hmmmmm, I have not got this down I feel. But I don´t feel like the trap is that I missed something (necessarily) it is mostly that if I let myself get hopeless and feeling confused, then I have fallen into the trap. The trap is one step further down the path, but it could also be that I don´t actually understand psychology and stuff. But the antidote is probably to keep feeling good and keep living life and then the answers are going to unfold.

I feel that sometimes I fall into this. Like, okay I may not know everything down to the specifics but that doesn´t entail that I need to get hopeless or confused, it is okay to feel that for a while. But to feel that way for an extended period of time just doesn´t make sense for me anymore. It just wastes the time to actually figure things out and to live life.

[Yoremo]

I feel that the way out, and the way in for me is to help myself. I can watch videos, read books, get all kinds of advice. But when do I stick to it? When do I actually enjoy it? When is it meaningful? When does change feel good? — WHEN I DERIVE THE ANSWERS AND THINK AND DECIDE FOR MYSELF, CONSCIOUSLY! Which is exactly why my usage of this forum has been mostly me not taking responsiblity of my life and being a man to take care of myself. I still feel that advice on techniques and small directional advices is really good, but I have been trying to get rid of the responsibility of taking own decisions in my life, and that just doesn´t work that way! Which is probably why therapists don´t give advice, they just guide you to give yourself advice and help yourself. Because in the end, the only person which will be with you 24/7 is you, no matter how helpful a friend or something is, in the end everything is on you. And this truth is probably good to embody as soon as possible, because if I am reliant on others to grow and develop, then I won´t grow or develop. But notice the word "reliant", so that means I can still get advice and tips from others, but this is what a lot of people lack I think — responsibility for their life and owning themselves and their life. This requires a good amount of balance to do this healthy as many things, but be conscious of the difference of being reliant on others and being supported by others.

These are my thoughts about this right now, and I think it ties nicely to the victim mindset which I am riding myself of now (in the making atleast). I thought of these thoughts because of the thread "no answers." so thank you for that thread

[Yoremo]

So this year I will be more patient and more thought through than other years. Other years I have only wanted to achieve outer success and stuff like this. This year I am going to approach my life differently, I am going to have a good look at my foundations. My beliefs, my self image, my traumatic experiences, my conditioning. All the other years I have always thought that external success is the way to go, and the way I did this was through a lot of discipline and suppressing other wishes and emotions I had in pursuit of this goal which I wasn´t even sure was worth it. So I want to take a good look at, and start my journey of understanding myself and how I can change the reality I am in inside out instead of outside in.

I have kind of known that the external isn´t as important as the inner, but through living life quite miserably doing the approach of external focus, I am going to start and look inwards instead. Experience really is king, and me experiencing how life and reality is mostly dependent on your internal state and not how hard you work.

So there are basically no goals this year. No clear cut goals, just some of them are out in the external, most of them are internal and building and developing myself from the foundation and up. And the foundation is the internal.

I am going to search out some resources (books and videos) so I can start this journey of discovering myself and how I work. These resources are going to be about emotions, self-image, conditioning, beliefs, and really anything which will help me understand myself and how I work.

Other than learning and understanding and embodying that knowledge about myself this year I will:

*get better at socializing

*Life Purpose

*Pain and injury free

*re-start soccer again and try it out (if it aligns with what I want to do still when I am able to play again)

*buy a car

*get a drivers license

So it will still be alot, and maybe I won´t be able to finish it all, but focus will be on the inner working of me and then just doing these points because I want to.

[Yoremo]

how do I act around my parents? It feels very weird to be myself with my parents and I feel very uncomfortable around them in a way. I feel like I am censoring my self. I don´t want to express myself genuinly around my parents because I kind of feel dirty doing that in a weird way. I care very much about their opinions and they have very harsh opinions on everything so this makes it tough. I think though that my obssesion with my parents will be significantly less when I have started to go out and socialize with people and finding other social outlets than my parents, because they are a bad fucking outlet, they have built up this culture or whatever that we aren´t very close to each other. They aren´t authentic to me either really. I don´t know why, like I was so innocent as a child and they still felt the need to be someone else around me? I don´t know, feeling more and more empathy for them though because they probably had it rough and didn´t have anything to get them out of that like I have with the internet. The internet is just so fucking good man, if you use it the correct way. Like I would not have come anywhere if internet didn´t exist. Even now, even though I am not so developed, the internet has helped me to be a lot more open minded, and through self actualizing work and stuff like it the internet will probably be the reason why my life will be great. But it will also be the reason as to why so many people lives are miserable. So there´s good and bad about it. I think that if I was born like 200 years ago I would have a quite easy life in that it isn´t much freedom and not much to figure out. Everything was predetermined kind of. And now I have the priveleges that almost noone in history have had and still it´s probably harder than anyone has ever had. Actually no, I don´t think so when I wrote that. I am just being in a rough patch and thinking it is bigger than it actually is. But tradition does make it easy in a way that you can just numb your mind and everything will be fine, and I guess there is a way to do that even in today´s society. Actually most people probably do and maybe then I am just thinking shit. I am choosing right now to go against society, not for the sake of it but for the sake of me wanting a good life and that might mean that I actually go with society or not, doesn´t matter all I care about is if I want to do it. But that does take some kind of internal courage, and it is tough to navigate through life right now. But actually keeping on learning and stuff will make i easier and easier and being open minded that there might always be better ways to think and act. Kind of excited to get back with people again now, kind of sick of being at home stuck with my parents, and I hope I can find the courage to get out there to socialize with people, I really want to but I am scared, but what the hell I will do it incrementally and then everything will be okay, and I really want to do it also so it will probably just feel hard before I have actually done anything but when I do it it will probably be easy.

[somegirl]

On 1/1/2022 at 8:22 PM, Yoremo said:

Hey, this is my journey to start and live my life, I am deciding to love life everyday from now on, loving myself, everyone around myself, growing and finding myself.

Hey this sounds amazing. Keep it up! 

Also your New Years goals are similar to mine. Hope you will be able to fullfil them all. You deserve it ?

Edited January 7, 2022 by somegirl

[Yoremo]

@somegirl thank you, good luck on you too!

[Yoremo]

Just watched and took notes on Leo´s video on victim mindset. So what I take from it is that no matter who the blame is (it doesn´t matter really, it can be on anybody but don´t put unneccesary blame on yourself) it is my responsibility to do something about it. Because it is me who is affected no matter who did it. This is really talking about the situations you had when you were a little kid when "someone did something to me!", and they feel that the world/that person owes them something. They don´t, and in this way the world can be perceived as quite harsh, but it goes all way and that is how life is and it is not very harsh if you take 100 % responsibility for your own life. The thing is that I have to OWN my life, because it is mine and noone cares enough to do the work for me (would have been a fucked up reality if that was how things worked tbh). And I want to have a good life, so I have that covered. How do I make that good life? Well, I create it. So if I really want to have a good life then I will take the neccesary action needed to make it happen, and that is always more than I think. So what I got from it was that I should stop the blaming,excuses and all of this and just bite the bullet and realize that no matter how much people may love me I am the one responsible for my life quality. And it is not like I HAVE to do this, I GET to do this, if I want. Because it is me who wanted this from the beginning, no?

 

I am very insecure about doing this life change, but through the video "how to deal with strong negative emotions" I feel empowered enough to face this emotion along with all the other ones. I feel scared that I will not succeed, and for what feelings that might bring me. I am scared of letting myself go completely and committing to this process. It really feels like taking a jump out of a plane. I don´t know why I fear to commit though. I don´t want to commit. I am thinking about my past failures and I don´t want to keep on stacking up failures after failures. And I feel lonely and scared to take the step from what I feel is secure and comfortable. I want to watch youtube in some bizarre sense, I want to just dabble and fuck around and not do anything. I want to stay shy and insecure. I do not want to get out of my comfort zone even though I know that I will benefit from it a lot. The pain of these things have to outweigh the positive of those things, and the things outside of my comfort zone has to appear more appealing. But maybe they don´t have to be. Or maybe they do, but no matter what I have to take some action. Right now my thought is that for me to follow this path in the long run I have to want it and that entails that I have to change how I think and feel about things, which is my main focus now — to learn about emotions, thoughts, self image and everything to let go of what is holding me back. Some things I yet do not know how to resolve, but I have found the area of most paramount importance to focus on. And so I will this year. And change the feelings I have. 

I feel scared to write out goals again and try and accomplish them, because I always seem to make them dissapear of my memory and then to be struck with a hard feeling of hopelessness and dissapointment. I think the thing is I need to develop courage enough to keep myself conscious, because I think I unconsciously switch of when I feel that I don´t want to continue. But if I am conscious of the fact that I switch of my awareness when it gets tough, hopeless and unclear and what not, then I can face my emotions and through that route continue after I have faced them. This is a thing of courage to keep looking even when I don´t want to. This is what Leo talked about in "one simple rule for acing life" — the rule is to take the emotionally difficult choice everytime. And if I start to implement it from the beginning maybe I can take better decisions further down the year.

I feel scared to start to socialize and hanging out with people with no other intent than to just hang out. I am scared of them thinking I am not good enough or "finding out" that I am not good enough. I am scared to not be good enough. Why? Because I don´t feel good enough as I am. I always feel the need to do or bring something other than me to bring value, like some accomplishment or whatever. And while yes, I do need to bring value to social situations for them to work out, but it is not constructive to be scared to not bring value. I am scared of humiliation and that people will put me down. I feel insecure. why? because I don´t feel that I am enough to other people and I feel that other people are always better than me, why?, because I do not respect myself and I also value other people a lot, why? because I am not conscious of my decisions and I choose to do things which is not aligned with what I feel that I should and want to do and I ignore this, why? because being conscious of my decisions requires me to do what is hard and uncomfortable and I have to look myself in my eyes and that is really uncomfortable because it is very hard for me to align myself with what I want to do, and even if I do I don´t do it because it is hard for me to do something which doesn´t feel comfortable. Why is it so hard to be conscious of what you do? Because right now I have a lot of things I know that I do that I don´t want to look into because they are not aligned with myself, and looking into this and fixing this requires a lot of effort and I just put it of to the future and I know I just fuck it up again. Why don´t you want to put in a lot of effort to fix these things? Because my experience tells me that it is for nothing, that it will not benefit me because I just fuck it all up again and go unconscious and stop doing what is right. Why have you gone unconscious in the past? because I have felt good and felt that it is enough and that I "need to rest" or something, and I do and I don´t stop. I get satisfiyed and I feel good about myself and for some reason I stop. Why do you stop then? Because when I feel good like that I have accomplished the goal inside my head that I had, which was to feel that way and then I just let myself go and let the momentum stop. But you usually have big goals but you just want the emotions? Well, I usually do have big goals which I haven´t achieved by the time I stop, but I just feel so good and then I backslide and just get complacent. I don´t feel that I have to do anything more, I feel that I have reached the limit.Well have you reached the limit? I don´t know, but I always think I have. How can I see for myself if there is a higher limit? through learning about emotions and how they work and maybe realize that there are higher limits, but I honestly don´t know if there are higher limits of happiness. How can you no matter if you have reached the limit or not still continue the growth and momentum in a developing direction? First thing is having a life purpose, a purpose which I actually feel very intrigued and inspired and driven by. Second thing is setting goals of random things I want to do and accomplish that has not much to do with my life purpose but just with what I want, something I want to learn, something in my psyche I want to have better etc. Okay so I feel that I have discovered some areas of opportunity to seize advantage over.

But what can I do to make myself start the process now of developing myself? first thing first is just to develop a routine, strict wake up and bed time and habits throughout the day. Then facing my emotions head on and feeling into them completely whenever I feel them throughout the day and sitting down whenever I feel them and do the process of really accepting and allowing myself to feel them. Then I feel that I have to do something similar to what I do now where I tackle a problem and then just follow that problem down to the core, foundational problem through journaling, so I can have more clarity. Then contemplating a lot of mindset changes and trying to make them my own, and finding out how they can be true and then proving it. I think this is a good start, then later on I will start to socialize for real, right now I will just set the intention and trying to figure out how tf people hang out. And the meditation and all the other things will just push me forward and provide me with the momentum to achieve things later on. But this is not a year of external achievement at all, it is mainly just learning about myself.

[Yoremo]

I am a victim in my health and physical wellbeing.

Justifications: 

* because my parents do not cook me the best food, and I can not eat the best food all the time because my parnents and my school has shit food

*because I can not sleep good at all because my parents and everybody in my house are so loud and they are making me anxious by making sounds so I can´t sleep, and they turn the lights on and change the dishwasher when I am about to sleep

*I have bad genetics and my body is weak

*I didn´t move so much as a child and therefore I lack the foundations of athletisism

*I am very stressed and anxious and this is fucking up my recovery

*I recover very badly

*my joints and tendons are very weak. they just get injured or pain in them very easily

* I think I might have some disease where my tendons and ligaments are just very weak

*There are not anyone who knew how to help me when I was younger and now everything is much worse

*I fucked up my body with too much training in general and strength training and rehab in particular

*I do not get enough nutrients and therefore I can not recover good

*because I can not do this on my own

*because of all the bad advice I got from the internet

Well, those are my justifications.

This problem seems as an external problem as it seems like my parents are not providing me enough, and that I did not have the optimal outset from the beginning. It seems as this is a problem of the physiotherapists fucking up my body and the advice I got from the internet. It seems as this is a problem of the past, of me training too much, of me not taking care of my emotional problems. Of people not helping me enough when I was a child, or that I can not sleep very good now, or that I do not eat the best diet right now. Or that I might have some disease which makes my tendons and joints very tender and weak.

While all of this seems very logical to me right now, there is a other explanation, a much more empowering one which allows me to resolve this issue of mine. This is actually an internal problem projected outward into my reality and staying a internal problem because I have been shortsighted enough to think that it exists in the external world. It is an internal problem of me not facing my emotions, that I do not take action on understanding my emotions and why I am so irritated and mad at my parents for example, that I failed to recognize which information is correct and which is not through not being conscious and deliberate and intent and focused enough in my search for answers, that I do not take care of my nutrition the best that I can and I do not do any action on it for myself but I am only expecting my parents to make it happen — leading to conflicts at home leading to even more anxiety, that I have a worrying mind thinking about the absolute worst situation all the time (me having a disease fucking me up), that I have not build my mind to the point that I do not care about these trivial challenges more than that I just find the solution and go on with my life, that I am not conscious enough in my training because it hurts too much for me to take it consciously and this makes me not do the training as good as I can possibly do and this is a weakness of mind. So I have a lot of areas of internal problems which makes the external problems appear, and it will not resolve with me trying to solve these problems focusing on the surface level external problems, which are just a product of my internal problems. 

"How do I create the obstacle?" — through not working enough on my mind and understanding this enough. Through not taking responsibility and just wilting in the accusations and blame I put on others. It is because I won´t go to work for real that the problem remains. I feel entitled to getting the solution handed to me without me doing hard work. I do not want to do the hard work and I hate to do something which doesn´t directly result in a result and I hate going to dead ends.

"what am I avoiding through creating this obstacle?" — I am avoiding the hard work and the pain which is needed to resolve it. I am avoiding confronting my emotions and my own "lack" as a human being and just blaming. I am avoiding the hard work and pain of developing myself. I do not want to experience pain, I just want to feel good. I am sick of pain and therefore I do not want it. I am avoiding taking action, on improving and persisting through this. I am avoiding mistakes and the emotional toll that would bring. I am avoiding my life because I dare not look at it.

"what must I believe to be a victim?" — That I do not have any control or say in this problem. That I am the victim of my parents and my environment, and that no matter what I do I don´t have any say in how my life turns out. I must believe that the most paramount in this is the things which I can not control, my parents, my genes, my past, my environment. But I can control these, not through direct control of them but indirectly I can through building and developing my mind and calming the fuck down in many ways. And through taking action.

What can I do differently? — well, go in to this with the mindset "I have to fix this". And being quite harsh with myself with that, not allowing any fairy tale of someone helping me out draging me away from doing what I have to do. I know what I need to do, it is just that it is hard to start because I do not want it, but still I want it. So it is really your decision — do you want to be physically healthy or not? do you want to be one of those poor old fucks not being able to move for the last 10 years of their lives? I can decide to not take responsibility for this. And I am telling you, I really feel that I do not want to even after going through all of this. I DO NOT WANT TO. And I do not want to not because I do not want the result, it is because I do not want the process. Can I even change so that I want to have the process of it? Seems kind of sadistic if anyone would like what I am having to do to get out of this. Maybe I do not even need to want the process for the process to work? But then I am doing hell of a lot of stuff that I do not want. But maybe the self respect and the self esteem I get from that outweighs the lack of liking of the process. And maybe the results is outweighing the lack of liking for the process? Or maybe I recognize that I want the result for no. 1 and I want to like the process no. 2. So why the fuck can´t I atleast pretend and use my mind to make it seem like I am liking it? Especially the actual training I do now is NOT something I want to do, it is fucking the hardest thing I have ever done, it requires me to give it my all every second for looong periods of time. Worse than anything I have ever done training-wise. But I remember having some trouble with this before, what I did to fuck this steak around then was that I swallowed my entitlement and allowed myself to change my mind to liking the thing that was really hard. Because being 100 % honest, it is not like I do not like it it´s just that it is so damn hard that it is hard, but I don´t dislike it actually. And so I can focus on the liking and not on the pain which is definetely there. With everything else though, how tf do I actually make a change to how I have done in the past? Well I must realize that I am the only one going to change what I need to change to make myself strong and healthy. I must be very conscious that this is the truth, and make this into a part of my self-image kind of. I do not blame others nor do I expect anyone to take responsibility for the changes I want. I think I am still mom and dad´s little boy and I think that they will just fix everything for me, which they won´t btw. Because they can´t. This is a maturation process to realize this and start to take accountability for your own life as everyone else does for their own. Not that I should not ask for help or anything —that´s good. But just so I don´t get stuck and don´t do anything because things feel like they will sort themselves out for themselves. It it hard though because I have always been so dependent on my parents because they wanted that, but now I need to take responsibility on my own while still living at home which is kind of trippy. What I can do is to change and improve my mentality so that I can actually do something about these things more concretely. But it needs to come from the inside out. That I understand my emotions for 1:st and get some emotional maturity and emotional intelligence. And that I do some conscious shifts of how I feel about my training. But I need to get rid of my stress and anxiety I think. Those are probably fucking up my recovery actually like not other. So actually I am going to look at some of Leo´s videos of stress because I saw he had some and maybe start to incorporate some technique or whatever to lower my anxiety and stress.

{this is not done, this is a work in process so don´t stop here, continue with this in mind until I am empowered enough to solve everything}

[Yoremo]

so it is soon 1 am, been trying to sleep for 1 hour now. I have these pictures in my mind of catastrophical and bad situations, of much disturbance and fear. I started to visualize myself fighting with people, I saw myself falling of a cliff. All of these and then I get conscious of my train of thought and just go "bro wtf" and get adrenaline rush (maybe not so weird when I have these disturbing pictures and hard pictures in my mind). Wonder what they are. Like why do I have them? is it my anxiety which had built up? It has built up ever since I stopped having a sense of purpose really and everything going worse and worse in my life, I still had them before but not as bad. The thing is that I meditate every night before I go to bed, but still I get these from time to time. Not a huge problem for me since it is not that regular but definetely sign of something being of mentally with me. And the more motivation for me to do something about it. Going to do like 40 min shamanic breathing tomorrow, want to achieve some kind of emotional leverage and I have never had a real "realization" of some sort. Usually I just do 30 min but will try 40 min and will start to make it a habit atleast once every week. Don´t know what to expect. In the past I have mainly just gotten this feeling of "it is okay, everything is going to be alright". Well my hoping is that I get some transcendental state which will smash some of my dumb perspectives on life, but that is most likely not going to happen and then it is okay because I always feel really good doing the breathing after even though it is quite tough. I go unconscious sometimes during the shamanic breathing and sometimes I just start to hold my breath because I think that I am doing wim hof method, kind of nuts because it is like I am falling asleep multiple times during the process and then in the end it usually just feels good with weird bodily sensations and some feeling of hope. Always that god damn hope, that is saying something. And I want to get some kind of experience through the breathing because I can´t get a hold of psychedelics (which probably is good though). These are just my thoughts right now in a very limited mindset though and I know there is other things out there that I just can´t seem to get to emotionally. And this breathing is something I never really want to do beforehand, but after I am always like "why tf would I not want this?" probably some ego shit doing that to hold me from the truth or whatever. What the fuck do I know, I barely even know the concept of ego.

[Yoremo]

So today I did 40 min shamanic breathing in the morning and then 30 more minutes in the evening. No transcendental state or clear cut insight. But I did derive on insight that is not that clear in my head but I just realized it now. When I did the breathing I felt how I could do and feel to make my life a better life and living it to the fullest, and now I realized that it is not fundamentally the things that I am doing that are going to make me feel a certain way, it is rather that I decide how to feel (like my life is the best in every moment basically) and then take inspired action on what I feel I want.

Because the thing is that when I do these breathing sessions (I must do these every weekend atleast once and twice or thrice if I feel it) I feel a lot of hope and I feel the emotional leverage I need to be able to do something in my life. But then when the breathing is done and a couple of hours later I am back to normal. But I can CHOOSE to feel that way about what I do, and make that feeling as a leader of my life to point me to where I should do stuff. And this is CHOOSING to feel inspired, CHOOSING to feel happy, CHOOSING to do what I want — and I have this freedom all the time through using my mind consciously in this direction and then I am going to do things which are the right ones for me. The right actions usually come from the "right" emotions I feel, and that I can create. 

And one other thing, I have self image problems but I decide now to just follow this simple process to make it simple for me to change how I view myself: 1: decide who I want to be. 2: prove it to myself through doing/being that way enough times.

I feel like the meditation, the breathing and all of this is crucial for me to be able to have the insight into HOW I can feel, and so making it so much clearer where I want to go. I am going to prove myself another self image through repeating affirmations, and when a situation arises making myself conscious of what I am going to do as the "new me" so to speak. So I will have these situations engrained in my head as cues so I can then have the self talk reqiured to change. You know what? I just thought to myself "I need to find other ways of doing this, other ways of changing my self-image" And do you know what? FUCK that, I am sick of having to know everything all the fucking time, don´t get me wrong I will learn more about this shit but just starting is where I am starting (duh) so that is what I am going to do.

Feeling really weird by the breathing and the meditation, feeling like reality is changing and I guess it is the ego talking when I feel a bit naseous about it — basically it is changing and that is a bit hard. This is because I did a lot of meditation yesterday and today aswell as the breathing.

[Yoremo]

Note to self to how I can do the HFT workouts a lot better and with much more tension and concentration (derived from today´s session where I realized these things):
* even though I have a feeling that I can´t hold tension (remember also that everything you feel ain´t true) I HAVE to visualize the grape. I have not visualized the grape before, but when I do (easier with a mirror aswell) then I can hold a lot more consistent and intense tension in my feet.

*To breathe calmly, or atleast doing a so called "yoga breathing" type of breathing of heavy, but controlled and conscious breathing. This yoga breathing makes it a lot easier to focus and the tension automatically goes up no matter how focused you may have been before getting control of the breathing.

*when I can visualize the grape, I need to put a LOT more tension in. Because sometimes I visualize it and I feel it but then I am not putting 100 % tension so then I do not do it as good as possible.

[Yoremo]

I think that the feelings I feel in the shamanic breathing is entirely possible to feel throughout the day, all day. How do I achieve it though? I thought that this is just about smashing my beliefs through affirmations, proving my positive self-image and through some kind of contemplation practice and meditation (contemplation I think works but I don´t do it, and meditation I do but it hasn´t worked in this way yet.) And through some self-esteem too of course

[Yoremo]

Okay, so just caught myself scrolling around on the forum. I haev done this quite a lot now and not all in vain, but now I feel that I am just wasting time. So fuck this shit behaviour — I will only go to other threads than my own if I feel that I need something. Otherwise I ain´t in it. I am sick of wasting time on a fucking Self development forum, it is not supposed to be a harbor for scrolling around when you feel bad and so I won´t