She Stopped Mid Sex

[Anon212]

I have a pretty crazy story about a girl I met at work. Well at least I think it is and I would really like some advice. One day, this girl comes into my workplace with her friend and orders a coffee. I was very attracted to her but I didn't say anything. I just got on with my job. Later on, however she comes up and asks for a job. I just get the manager and leave the scene.

 

I then fall sick with covid for two weeks and I am out of work. When I come back to work, the manager tells me there is a new employee and that I need to train her (I have no idea who it is). I work Thursday through Saturday and she works Monday through Wednesday. Anyways the boss asks me to work full-time for two weeks and so I did.

 

I come into work next week and she is there. Again I don't do or say anything. Just act professional. At the end of the day, she comes up to me and gives me her number which was quite odd. I text her and we hang out on the Sunday. Just a coffee. Nothing crazy. I don't show her any sign of attraction I think (I'm just poor at this). No kiss, nothing. The next week at work there is some flirting, again nothing crazy. She hints at me coming over to hers but I was just very busy.

 

A week later however, I text her to hang out. She comes out, we go to a park and this where shit gets weird. She starts talking about consciousness, love, God, Towism, Hinduism etc...  And I fall hard. I think I got attached very rapidly otherwise I wasn't too bothered. We go back to mine ordered some food and then decide to watch a movie (which was her idea). 

 

I also smoked a bit of weed. I asked her if she was ok with it and she said it's fine. We start watching the movie but instantly I lean in and start making out with her. She reciprocates very strongly and says that she didn't think I liked her like this. We continue making out and then things get a bit more intimate. All of sudden, she says that she's not sure if she wants to do this. Of course I stopped. I'm not an idiot. I said that's ok and we continued watching the movie. After the movie, I try to kiss her but she just says she wants to go home and I just said that's ok. I was never pushy at any point. Always respectful but I don't understand because it seems like she wanted me so bad the whole time. 

 

Anyways, I walk her outside and give her a hug. I say I'm sorry if I pushed to far and she said it's all good. She enjoyed her time with me. She said she's not looking for a relationship right now (maybe she saw that I became attached or needy because I did). I told her that's ok and I also said that I'm interested in dating right now. I told her that there is no obligation to text or speak again on her part (respectfully) but she says that she enjoys my company and that we can "hang out". She then leaves and that's it.

Now again, I rapidly fell for this girl and became attached considering the topics she talked about. The next morning I woke up and I felt a slight heartache which is bloody ridiculous considering we had two dates. It's ok though, I went to the gym and it was all good after haha. I have some questions for you guys.

 

How the hell can I stop neediness and not get caught up on a girl?

Can anyone give me an insight into this particular situation and is shit like this to be expected when dating?

 

 

[Roy]

This was just a communication mismatch. Taking you at what you've said, what happened was;

- She was into you and made the first move (giving her number)

- You didn't reciprocate intimate interest, you flirt a little but don't make advancements or kiss her, stayed professional

- This puts in her mind you aren't into her in that way, she is ok with that and just wants a friend anyways

- Then when you hang out again you push like you ARE into her in that way and don't want her as just a friend

Basically she gave you an opportunity early, but you didn't take it. You waited too long to make a move which confused her and turned her off from the possibility. She is very likely lying when she said "I'm not looking for a relationship right now", she actually was, but you didn't take the chance fast enough, ie masculine decisiveness.

That's fine if you didn't really want her or were confused, but you need to communicate that to her. I can't actually tell from your story though, did you want a relationship with her above friends @Anon212? Or just to friends with benefits?

The way you eliminate neediness is by being disciplined to being in a "mode". Either you are looking for a relationship actively, or you aren't. Then you communicate that explicitly with them at some point. Don't do this inbetween shit where you aren't sure because it leads to stuff like this.

[Lyubov]

This is just my thoughts from what I’ve read here. It could be off. Just take it as some random advice, take or leave it.

I would say the central issue I see here is that you seem sort of indecisive and unsure and uneasy, sort of like a limp handshake. Unsure what to do, unsure what you want, uneasy about the whole thing. There is a sort of lack of leadership and ability to guide and progress things how YOU want them to go. Do you want to sleep with her? Don’t think long term like a relationship. A girl will say she is not looking for a relationship whenever she isn’t feeling the vibe between the both of you and loses interest on a date. You can have sex before a relationship. Sex almost always comes before a relationship forms. 

 You seem like you are unsure if you even want to be flirty / “lover” with her or just friends. This usually can come off as emotionally unsafe for women cause they aren’t sure what you are communicating to them. I’m not talking about physical but emotional safety. She isn’t sure if she can trust you because you don’t seem to trust the process and trust your feelings that you certainly want to make love to her after a date in the park. I had a similar experience happen to me like this when I was younger and starting out with women. A way to fix this is both through exposing yourself to more dates/women and secondly working on your inner world so you feel more emotionally confident, decisive and clear in what you feel/want. The experience will teach you how to communicate, the inner work will teach you how to feel chill and good in your body and able to follower your emotions clearly. 

[Tim R]

Sounds like she was confused (which is why she didn't immediately stop making outand) a bit overwhelmed (which is why she eventually stopped making out). She didn't know you were into her that much, because you didn't show her that you were attracted to her decisively enough.

Is there some past experience with women where you got rejected because you were insecure about showing your feelings towards her? 

[Anon212]

@Roy You are damn right. I was extremely indecisive and was too shy to show any romantic interest. In retrospect, I could have kissed her at a much earlier date or at least flirted a bit more. I don't think I even complimented her even once leading up to her being in my room which is just terrible.

[Anon212]

@Lyubov Yeah it's the same again, absolute indecisiveness.  I wasn't clear with her that I wanted a relationship with her or even sex. I guess that's why she said she had no idea I was into her when I started to make out with her. I completely failed to show that I was interested in her romantically.

[Anon212]

@Tim R Yes there is a past experience where I have been too insecure to share how I feel. Of course, it turned into a friendship. I think it makes sense. I mean she was giving me signals all day and eventually went up and lay in my bed but when I actually started to make a move, it confused the hell out of her. 

[Anon212]

The thing is that I think she genuinely enjoyed my company and will probably reach out to me again to hang out. I'm not interested in just "hanging out" with her and I've obviously killed the attraction phase. How should I respond, if at all in such a situation?

[hoodrow trillson]

Lol.

Sounds to me like you did the right thing OP and acted professionally at first.  You know nothing about this girl and she’s also your coworker.  She knows you know that she’s your coworker.

Thread is telling you that you’re supposed to be some 5D-Chess mind reader and you’re supposed to know what this girl is up to.  Lmao.

I’m sure you’re aware of the saying “don’t shit where you eat.”  That’s probably why you acted professional.  You innately knew it was risky to be a thirsty idiot at work.

So, she then did the ‘pull back’ on your ass when your dick was getting hard?  Lmfao, classic manipulation tactic.  Got EEM!!

Be careful bro, these types could stomp on your heart and you’ll be left there like a broken wreck and you have to work with her. How would you feel if she started flirting with other men and you knew about it?  Be careful, keep your eyes peeled!

 

[Tim R]

13 minutes ago, Anon212 said:

How should I respond, if at all in such a situation?

Honestly!! You've hidden your intentions from her, which is what got you into this mess in the first place (I'm not saying it was wrong of you to be professional in the beginning)

Don't expect her to know what you're up to. If she likes you, she might. give you another chance, but you must understand that she is giving you another chance, so it's up to you to make the best of it. 

[Leo Gura]

3 hours ago, Anon212 said:

How the hell can I stop neediness and not get caught up on a girl?

You really can't if you find the girl amazing.

Or, you could if you are seeing a bunch of other girls at once. But this isn't necessarily a good thing.

It's natural to fall for a girl you really like. Of course you will get somewhat needy. That's okay as long as she reciprocates. The key is to make her also fall for you.

Quote

Can anyone give me an insight into this particular situation and is shit like this to be expected when dating?

Sometimes you're just not going to know why a girl did what she did. There could be many hidden factors at play which you will never know.

It sounds like the thing you could have done better was to indicate your romantic intentions towards her earlier on and escalated in a smoother way. This seems to have taken her by surprise. You want to practice man-woman communication so that it's obvious to her that if she ends up alone with you, sex will naturally happen. There shouldn't be doubts in her mind about your romantic intentions towards her.

And then you gotta learn smooth physical escalation. Going straight to a make out is not the way. You have to gradually seduce her with physical touch.

But anyways, it is rather odd that she wanted to leave. Most girls would not do that at such a late stage.

I mean, you could just ask her why she got cold-feet.

[Roy]

45 minutes ago, Anon212 said:

You are damn right. I was extremely indecisive and was too shy to show any romantic interest. In retrospect, I could have kissed her at a much earlier date or at least flirted a bit more. I don't think I even complimented her even once leading up to her being in my room which is just terrible.

So you were into her and just made the mistake of not acting on it when you wanted?

37 minutes ago, Anon212 said:

The thing is that I think she genuinely enjoyed my company and will probably reach out to me again to hang out. I'm not interested in just "hanging out" with her and I've obviously killed the attraction phase. How should I respond, if at all in such a situation?

If you hang out again your only real shot to make things work is to lay it out on the floor early in your meet about what happened, "hey I was hesitant because we are both co-workers and I wasn't sure about what I wanted, but I'm willing to put that behind because I know I want you." Something along those lines. Be raw, direct, and emotional with her.

OR you could absorb this lesson and move onto the next girl, because the sting of her rejecting you again to what I said above might be unnecessary.

If it were me though I would just take the lesson and move on in life. This could be an excellent opportunity to detach.

[Thought Art]

I have a rule that people I work with: I’m not your friend or lover 

[hyruga]

Different girls have different threshold at different points. She just doesn't want to have sex or maybe she doesn't like you enough.

 

[Anon212]

@Leo Gura I don't like the idea of dating multiple girls at once. It seems like way to much effort. I would rather just hang out with one girl at a time. I was hoping the yoga practice I have been doing for the past year would have made me a bit more detached.

 

That's why I was baffled, I have no idea why stopped half way through. It seems as though she was enjoying it too.

[Bando]

On 1/1/2022 at 10:52 AM, Anon212 said:

Can anyone give me an insight into this particular situation and is shit like this to be expected when dating?

Your biggest problem in this situation was failing to recognize her interest and immediately seizing the opportunity  You need to learn how to be more decisive and quickly establish intent when you find a girl attractive.

Usually the longer you wait the more "out of place" it's going to seem when you try to make a sudden move. Flirting, teasing, a little sexual innuendos, work great to build that vibe, the chick has to know if you two were in a room together you would "make a move" and not just have a platonic interaction. Now context obviously matters if you find she isn't reciprocating, you lay off and be more cordial/professional especially in a setting where things can end bad for you if something goes wrong.

There are some things you could have done better when she came over but your attempt wasn't that bad. Next time you must screen harder for sexual compatibility and make sure she understands this isn't a platonic met up. Even if shes alone with you there's very little you can do to convince her to have sex with you if she isnt up for it. I don't know how far you got but next time build up the foreplay when your trying to make a move for the first time don't expect to immediately jump into it. Look up some stuff on kino escalation to better understand.

Good job not trying to push the interaction farther, maybe something could have came from it but in all my experiences nearly every time I "pushed it" and we did end up having sex I would get ghosted or there would be a massive lost of interest. If a chick isn't excited to sleep with you or you feel its like "pulling teeth" to get laid, you messed up somewhere, maybe you didn't build enough attraction or rapport. 

Try to reach out and see if she's down to still meet up, this time don't back to your place and treat it like a normal date. Honestly learning to navigate through things like this takes a lot of different experiences so don't beat yourself up too much of your new to this.

On 1/1/2022 at 10:52 AM, Anon212 said:

How the hell can I stop neediness and not get caught up on a girl?

Like Leo said if you really connect with a girl it will be hard to not catch feelings, but you have to realize for your mental health if you get caught up on a chick that doesn't reciprocate your digging your own grave, its ok to feel into the emotions but understand letting go is much better than believing in a fairytale.

Also you need to have options, you should set up your life to where your always meeting women, make social friends, join different clubs, try dating apps, do some cold approaches ect

 

[Emotionalmosquito]

59 minutes ago, Bando said:

Your biggest problem in this situation was failing to recognize her interest and immediately seizing the opportunity  You need to learn how to be more decisive and quickly establish intent when you find a girl attractive.

He wasn’t allowed to show romantic interest immediately because he was at work. That’s just asking to get fired.

None of her actions clearly indicated interest beyond friendship either. He would have had to take it on blind assumption. The risk op would have to take to show interest is the girl getting turned off and thinking “ughh! Another guy that just wants in my pants.” Todd V says to never sexualize a hot girl because they already get so much of that already it’s annoying to them. Both parties must clearly express to one another that there is attraction. Otherwise it’s a game of mind reading and awkward moments due to not reading vague signals accurately when you could have just plainly said what you meant with words. 

1 hour ago, Bando said:

especially in a setting where things can end bad for you if something goes wrong.

You mean like at work?

[something_else]

19 minutes ago, Emotionalmosquito said:

Otherwise it’s a game of mind reading and awkward moments due to not reading vague signals accurately

Welcome to dating

[Emotionalmosquito]

Let’s communicate our level of attraction among other things through non verbal “cues” then wonder why when the other person doesn’t know what’s up. When we could save ourselves ten times the hassle by simply using ours words like adults. 

Straight from the species that prides itself on being the most intelligent.

[something_else]

It evolved that way for a very good reason. You can bullshit with words but it's much harder to bullshit non-verbals and cues