Intrusive sexual fantasies

[trenton]

This occurred to me for a couple of reasons.  One I considered the possibility that I could be projecting when reacting to someone acting like a pedophile.  What shadow could I have that would illicit such a reaction.  Secondly I am taking steps toward building my first business and I want to make sure that nothing is bothering me so I can work optimally.

This one has bothered me for a long time and I think it takes some bravery to face it.  I can trace this all the way back to when I was in elementary school.  I observed the sexual impropriety of my peers during school and I chose to distance myself from them.  I previously had participated in this as all the children around me did as well. This included gay bashing even though I would go on to have gay thoughts. Eventually, I understood that there would be consequences to the inappropriate behavior hence I usually sat alone in school.

I still faced sexual harassment multiple times.  Although I am not wrong that these people were acting inappropriately, I could be on some level projecting my own insecurities about my sexual fantasies.  I think this habit started somewhere in school and it carried all the way over to today.  I remember at some point I discovered that people think I'm hilarious when I misinterpret their sexual innuendos and change the subject.  The advantage of sexual impropriety was friendship in pretty much all school settings before college.  This is what left people with the idea that they could harass me in mid high school although there was more prior to that as well.

College is the point at which intrusive sexual fantasies bothered me more.  These were accompanied by greater anxiety.  The fear of punishment or negative consequences from looking at a woman's chest also increased around this time. I remember one more detail which is that I heard It is a shame to die a virgin.  This weighs on my mind by keeping It open to the possibility that I could actually be better off somehow by having sex once.  All of the other pressures including time, money, and career development would not make chasing girls feasible.  I almost want to try to brute force my way out of this and just push ahead with everything else I am trying to do ignoring the sexual fantasies.

It sounds like I am trying to avoid unnecessary trouble in a neurotic way that backfires.  This is frustrating for a number of reasons.  One sex and having a family is not important to me, this is just easy pleasure.  In fact one sign of resistance is preoccupation with sex because the devil's advocate with which I am familiar looks for an easy way to swing your emotions in an enjoyable way.  Two it comes with a sense of not trusting myself because if I ever acted on any of those fantasies I would have been in trouble.  This is likely the source of my anxiety.  Thirdly I don't even have the time to be dating girls because of all the efforts I am putting into developing financial independence and self actualization.  The only reasons I would require a relationship with a man or woman is for a mutually beneficial financial situation or it in some way helps with a greater life purpose.  This isn't even about sex.

As for pornography, I know about the book to break the habit.  Porn addiction has never been a problem for me, but there are likely loosely related principles from that book related to sexual anxiety which is what I am actually focusing on.  I still did look at porn because it is easy pleasure.  The last time I looked at porn was at least a few weeks ago.  I noticed that if not overused it can help me sleep.  I think it is better to just always get up between 6:30-7:30 as it seems to help more.  I have so many other books to read though and so much I want to accomplish.  I initially said need instead of want because my family is also pressuring me.

I know it can be embarrassing to discuss all of this, but I think it is necessary for my own sake as this topic makes me think "I hate myself."  What is the proper balance and how can I build myself into the best person I can be?  I'm not sure what to do about this.

I am grateful for the forum and how non-judgemental people offer useful insights.  This is the section of the forum that I have found the most use in for personal growth.

[Ulax]

Sounds like Pure OCD. Accept, accept, accept.

[flowboy]

There's a lot to unpack there.

To begin, from the start you are describing the behavior of your peers in elementary school as sexually inappropriate.

I looked it up, and elementary school is supposedly for age 5 until 11.

Those are kids. You were a kid. Both you and them at this age are too young to be held to adult standards of what is sexually appropriate.

I don't know what traumatic events exactly happened, and I don't mean to make light of that at all.

I wouldn't be surprised if there are very painful memories to unpack there as well. Moments where you felt deeply hurt, and perhaps couldn't talk about it freely without being judged.

But the first clue for me is this harsh judgment: sexual impropriety.

Is this the same judgment you put on yourself, when having fantasies? That they are inappropriate?

Because that could explain the "I hate myself" thoughts.

Then: what explains the judgments?

In most people, judgments about sexuality come from upbringing.

How did your parents handle educating you about sexuality?

Where did all this judgment start, and where was it exacerbated?

Edited January 1, 2022 by flowboy

[Preety_India]

Have you ever been sexual? 

You're shaming sex. This could be cultural /religious or morality based. 

It's important to have morals but you need to place limits so doesn't cause you to have hangups around sex. 

People are usually confused when they mix sex and morals. It's important to have a healthy boundary 

 

Loose boundaries can make a person deviant. Tight boundaries can make a person like a catholic nun. You have to find the healthy middle. 

If you're looking for a date, it's important to have a healthy sexual attitude not skewed on either side of the pendulum. 

You might be suffering from low sex drive and sexual repression. 

If you want to be in a relationship in the future, you might want to work on this. Seek therapy for sexual traumas 

Go out. Have sex. Liberate yourself from repression. 

Don't judge others harshly. Absolutely nothing wrong with normal sex, it's simply biological. 

There's not much to it anyway. It's like the desire for food etc. 

Work on your hangups and get rid of judgements. They won't help you. 

 

[tsuki]

The first thing I would start with is to simply admit that you are a human, and that humans are sexual creatures. This is completely absurd and there is zero personal reason for it, but this mere fact may let you ease into it a little. You are a sexual being. You crave sex. It is not logical, and it does not serve your business purposes, but you do experience it. You may feel that sex deters your attention from things that you think to be really important, but this is just inner conflict. Abstracting away from your true needs, in favor of more sophisticated ones, is not a path towards fulfillment. I would suspect that denying your sexual needs is enough to create strong cravings that you deem "intrusive", or misaligned with your artificially chosen purpose. And indeed, choosing thinking over feeling is hating oneself, because feeling is always closer to our core than what we should do.

I can see another conflict in what you are writing that I would like you to look into. First, you are saying that for your whole life, you've been judgmental towards sex and that sexual encounters were difficult for you. Few paragraphs down the line, however, you say that sex is a simple pleasure. This does not add up, at all. Sex is not simple in the slightest. Having a long-lasting, mutually fulfilling sexual relationship is one of the most difficult (and meaningful) things that can be done in life. Maybe, correct me if I'm wrong, you feel uneasy when approaching sex and you developed a superior attitude to cope with this feeling? If you are a focused guy that wants to zero-in into your goals, you assume that other people are the same and that you are wasting their time, giving into this pleasure? There are all kinds of people that are under-represented on this forum, and to some of them sex is number one priority, and the greatest joy of life. From the looks of it, it seems like sex plays a lot bigger role in yours, than you are willing to admit. 

Given the background you presented, I think that it is very worthwhile to look into your sexual past and notice where this pattern of rejection started. I would suggest to find a professional to do this, because these are very intimate topics and I understand if you don't want to share them on a public forum. 

[trenton]

@flowboy

2 hours ago, flowboy said:

There's a lot to unpack there.

To begin, from the start you are describing the behavior of your peers in elementary school as sexually inappropriate.

I looked it up, and elementary school is supposedly for age 5 until 11.

Those are kids. You were a kid. Both you and them at this age are too young to be held to adult standards of what is sexually appropriate.

I don't know what traumatic events exactly happened, and I don't mean to make light of that at all.

I wouldn't be surprised if there are very painful memories to unpack there as well. Moments where you felt deeply hurt, and perhaps couldn't talk about it freely without being judged.

But the first clue for me is this harsh judgment: sexual impropriety.

Is this the same judgment you put on yourself, when having fantasies? That they are inappropriate?

Because that could explain the "I hate myself" thoughts.

Then: what explains the judgments?

In most people, judgments about sexuality come from upbringing.

How did your parents handle educating you about sexuality?

Where did all this judgment start, and where was it exacerbated?

Firstly, fair enough for what you said about elementary school.  Up until that point I could say that we were going and attempting to make friends by getting people to think our immaturity was hilarious.  I could say that for at least some part I do not need to judge myself because I am not like that anymore.

As for the painful memories you are right.  I wrote them out in detail and gave them to a psychologist.  I probably need to try another psychologist.  I hesitate to write them here.

 "Sexual impropriety" is not intended to be harsh, but rather it is a broad term in varying degrees.  This broad term applies to any harmful action related to sex that can make people uncomfortable.  Thoughts are not the same In degree, but I still get anxiety with these thoughts because of i actually do any of those things there will be negative consequences.  This turns into moral anxiety.  The judgement is that I am being foolish especially if this is irrelevant to any of my goals I deem more important.  This explains the judgement even more if you add the painful memories.

My parents didn't educate me very much about sex at all.  My mom and dad were separated because of child custody and a lot of illegal activity.  My first judgement about sex came about when my parents were fighting over child support.  I thought that having children would be a poor decision if it leads to so many financial problems.  although there is nothing immoral about having kids it would take my freedom away so I can't pursue greater ambitions.  If I ever do have sex it should be with protection, and not just pills because I was born due to mom forgetting to take them.  My parents also gave mixed messages about sexuality.  Mom thought it was fine to be gay whereas my father did not.  Mom was fine with me converting to any religion and dad was not.  This is a little confusing. I typically concluded that my parents were bad examples for me because of all of the illegal activity. I evaluated my mother as the better of the two because she loves me under fewer conditions than my father and she did not commit as many crimes although they were still serious.  The criminal activity between both of them usually involved drugs.  My grandfather looked at porn and was judged for it.

The judgement started with the painful memories.  At first I instinctively wanted to pretend it didn't happen and it was just a bad dream.  I didn't want to lie to myself so I didn't allow that and I listened to memory over pride.  "I hate myself" is associated with this.

[trenton]

2 hours ago, Preety_India said:

Have you ever been sexual? 

You're shaming sex. This could be cultural /religious or morality based. 

It's important to have morals but you need to place limits so doesn't cause you to have hangups around sex. 

People are usually confused when they mix sex and morals. It's important to have a healthy boundary 

 

Loose boundaries can make a person deviant. Tight boundaries can make a person like a catholic nun. You have to find the healthy middle. 

If you're looking for a date, it's important to have a healthy sexual attitude not skewed on either side of the pendulum. 

You might be suffering from low sex drive and sexual repression. 

If you want to be in a relationship in the future, you might want to work on this. Seek therapy for sexual traumas 

Go out. Have sex. Liberate yourself from repression. 

Don't judge others harshly. Absolutely nothing wrong with normal sex, it's simply biological. 

There's not much to it anyway. It's like the desire for food etc. 

Work on your hangups and get rid of judgements. They won't help you. 

 

@Preety_India 

I never had sex because it is not relevant to greater ambitions such as gaining financial independence from my family.  If My goals were met, then maybe I would move onto this lower priority.

I am unaffiliated with any religion.  It is more likely culture based with all of my teachers in school shaming sex.  They didn't want teenagers having sex in the public bathrooms and leaving used condoms around.  When students acted inappropriately the teachers judged them harshly.

I'm not sure what these limits would be.  I know you can swing the pendulum too far in either direction.  It can create a lot of unnecessary shame and judgment.  I lean toward being strict because I don't want to be punished.

I agree that there is nothing wrong with normal sex between consenting adults.  A lot of repression comes from seeking greater ambitions to which sex is irrelevant.  This is not directed at others, only myself.  I want to be the best person I can be.  I'd be fine with normal sex after I get away from family.

[trenton]

2 hours ago, tsuki said:

The first thing I would start with is to simply admit that you are a human, and that humans are sexual creatures. This is completely absurd and there is zero personal reason for it, but this mere fact may let you ease into it a little. You are a sexual being. You crave sex. It is not logical, and it does not serve your business purposes, but you do experience it. You may feel that sex deters your attention from things that you think to be really important, but this is just inner conflict. Abstracting away from your true needs, in favor of more sophisticated ones, is not a path towards fulfillment. I would suspect that denying your sexual needs is enough to create strong cravings that you deem "intrusive", or misaligned with your artificially chosen purpose. And indeed, choosing thinking over feeling is hating oneself, because feeling is always closer to our core than what we should do.

I can see another conflict in what you are writing that I would like you to look into. First, you are saying that for your whole life, you've been judgmental towards sex and that sexual encounters were difficult for you. Few paragraphs down the line, however, you say that sex is a simple pleasure. This does not add up, at all. Sex is not simple in the slightest. Having a long-lasting, mutually fulfilling sexual relationship is one of the most difficult (and meaningful) things that can be done in life. Maybe, correct me if I'm wrong, you feel uneasy when approaching sex and you developed a superior attitude to cope with this feeling? If you are a focused guy that wants to zero-in into your goals, you assume that other people are the same and that you are wasting their time, giving into this pleasure? There are all kinds of people that are under-represented on this forum, and to some of them sex is number one priority, and the greatest joy of life. From the looks of it, it seems like sex plays a lot bigger role in yours, than you are willing to admit. 

Given the background you presented, I think that it is very worthwhile to look into your sexual past and notice where this pattern of rejection started. I would suggest to find a professional to do this, because these are very intimate topics and I understand if you don't want to share them on a public forum. 

@tsuki 

The first paragraph is pretty accurate.  I am prioritizing a sophisticated vision over biological needs.  My frustration is that these biological desires are irrelevant.  One sign of self deception is being hyper logical as a method for denying one's feelings.  This is doomed to fail because it is fundamentally untrue.

When I said that sex is a simple pleasure I mean that in the context of porn being an easy addiction.  If you mean having a long lasting relationship, then that is completely different.  A mutually beneficial relationship is very challenging and it is more than a simple pleasure.  

I definitely feel uneasy when approaching sex because of how easy it is make somebody uncomfortable if you misinterpret them.  This is not helped by terms like "rape culture" which indicate to me that if I am not careful then there will be severe consequences if I make somebody uncomfortable.  I didn't consciously develop a sense of superiority to cope with that, but it is a source of self judgement.  The closest thing I have to an attitude of being superior is that I want to hold myself to higher standard than most people.  This includes having greater ambitions and prioritizing those.  It is nice that you picked up on this superiority because I probably developed it unconsciously without realizing.  This attitude of being superior sits in the background of many of the events I described.  This seems like an accurate description of the coping mechanisms. 

I don't assume that people are the same because the point is that I am different.  This isn't actually true in the sense that aside from artificially constructed purposes and habits we have a lot more in common than we do different.  At least for the people on this forum who prioritize sex, good job on listening to your feelings over deceiving yourself by being hyper logical.

[tsuki]

3 hours ago, trenton said:

The first paragraph is pretty accurate.  I am prioritizing a sophisticated vision over biological needs.  My frustration is that these biological desires are irrelevant.

This idea is called "mind over matter", or that your bodily needs are lower, while intellectual are higher. It is closely related to Christian ideas of guilt, original sin, and deeming the body as the root of evil and impurity. All of these ideas serve only to divide you into parts that are in opposition and create inner resistance. The truth is that the so-called intellectual needs are just cultural values that you think you should fulfill. They serve only to perpetuate the culture in which you were born, by hijacking your life to sustain its goals. This is closely related to the hero myth, in which a human is placed above the natural order, or harmony, and imposes his understanding upon it, to make it better. This myth puts humans in direct opposition to nature, which is not the ecosystem, but φύσις, the spontaneous creative force, which is known as God in Leo's philosophy. 

All true needs are accessed via feelings, which are the function of the body. This has to be clearly understood if you are to liberate yourself from your intrusive thoughts. Feelings are the original intelligence that is your birthright and that is given to you so that you have guidance in your life. The mind has questions, options and possibilities, but no answers apart from knowledge a.k.a. beliefs. Feelings are your innate guidance system and our culture deliberately severs your inner connection to use your life for its purposes.

3 hours ago, trenton said:

I definitely feel uneasy when approaching sex because of how easy it is make somebody uncomfortable if you misinterpret them.  This is not helped by terms like "rape culture" which indicate to me that if I am not careful then there will be severe consequences if I make somebody uncomfortable.

Knowing what you shared, there is absolutely zero chance that the term "rape culture" applies to you. It is much more probable that you will come off as meek and indecisive when approaching women, so you should not concern yourself with such things. What you should be looking out for though, is the fact that you are scared of approaching and that you are making up excuses. Notice this clearly - you are afraid of sex. There is nothing to be ashamed of. This is the result of your beliefs that the body is evil and you were raised this way. You are not broken because you are afraid. LOTS of men have this issue. It is very uncommon for inexperienced men to not be afraid. What has to be understood though is that this fear is not about approaching, but about your own body, or rather, about your thoughts about your body. These thoughts are false.

[trenton]

@tsuki you are definitely right that I am making up excuses.  This includes financial problems, cultural problems, and others.  Most of these are just excuses designed to cover fear. The only one that is of real concern to me is financial independence from my family. The best counter argument for prioritizing sex would be that it can create a mutually beneficial financial situation, making it possible for me to leave sooner. Breaking the fear of sex is a plus by going this route.  That is something worth thinking about.

One correction I would make is that I don't think sex is evil if it is two consenting adults.  That is just normal. It looks like I think sex is evil when this fear sits under a Neverending stream of excuses.  At least you do a good job of explaining why I would be in so much conflict with myself.

[tsuki]

@trenton What is your relationship with your parents? Are your parents enthusiastic about you? Do they want you to explore life and support you regardless of your path?

[bejapuskas]

This is not embarassing, you are fine. The shadow that is causing this might be not accepting your inner child, creativity, innocence, playfulness... Which sounds kind of accurate as you said you take self actualizing very seriously, which is not bad of course. I always recommend Teal Swan's video on pedophilia for shadow work purposes. It might be helpful.

Projection wise, what you describe as pedophilic behavior might not actually be pedophilia. Pedophiles are both offending and non-offending. The ones that have offended are the ones that are most likely to offend again. Non-offenders and Pure OCD people are not a real threat, they are often more self conscious. You might be projecting "acting around kids without being aware of how it might seem for others" instead of projecting attraction to minors. Sometimes mind does those tricks. Porn addiction is what usually causes people to offend and predate on kids, people who are bored of the stuff they can find online so they go out into the real world or social media world. You can check out Elizabeth Letourneau's work, I did some interviews with her in the past. She is a world class policy advisor in child sexual abuse prevention. She is really smart and kind.

As you have already discovered, you value purpose and career over girls. So just having sex once might only confirm that for you. Just keep your standards, do not shame yourself, even if you do have pedophilia, you might still also be attracted to adults, which is a really good thing to keep in mind. 

Do you experience sexual attraction at all? Maybe this is a stupid questions, but some people might not and that is also ok.

[Nahm]

Is this an accurate summation….

Why do I experience thoughts about harming others, when I know I won’t, and don’t actually want to harm anyone?

[trenton]

17 hours ago, tsuki said:

@trenton What is your relationship with your parents? Are your parents enthusiastic about you? Do they want you to explore life and support you regardless of your path?

@tsuki my father is dead.  When he was alive I was his favorite because I am male.  My dad wanted me to carry on the Hamann name by having another son like our ancestors from Germany.  He placed a lot of pride in me because we came from a family of criminals and I was the first after all this time to stay clean and finish school.  A lot of This criminal activity especially from drug dealing worsened during prohibition when my ancestors used under ground tunnels to sell alcohol.  He said I was the one to break the cycle, and like my grandfather he agreed that I would go on to accomplish many huge, great, and significant things.  My father never specified what it was he wanted me to do outside of avoiding criminal activity.  A source of guilt I had during my grandfather's funeral was the fact that I did not appreciate him for all of the hope he placed in me since I was born.

My mother also encourages sex.  She would usually support me regardless of my path.  The one exception is pressuring me to go to college like the rest of family did including my father.  My father didn't finish high school, but oh well.  I'm not mad at him, I just laugh at the hypocrisy instead.  I still see my mother every couple of days.  She is often fighting with my sisters over politics.  My sisters also get upset with me because I was dad's favorite and he neglected them.

I had some mixed messaging from my parents with my dad sounding more religious than my mom.  They both wanted me to go have sex for different reasons.

[trenton]

8 hours ago, bejapuskas said:

This is not embarassing, you are fine. The shadow that is causing this might be not accepting your inner child, creativity, innocence, playfulness... Which sounds kind of accurate as you said you take self actualizing very seriously, which is not bad of course. I always recommend Teal Swan's video on pedophilia for shadow work purposes. It might be helpful.

Projection wise, what you describe as pedophilic behavior might not actually be pedophilia. Pedophiles are both offending and non-offending. The ones that have offended are the ones that are most likely to offend again. Non-offenders and Pure OCD people are not a real threat, they are often more self conscious. You might be projecting "acting around kids without being aware of how it might seem for others" instead of projecting attraction to minors. Sometimes mind does those tricks. Porn addiction is what usually causes people to offend and predate on kids, people who are bored of the stuff they can find online so they go out into the real world or social media world. You can check out Elizabeth Letourneau's work, I did some interviews with her in the past. She is a world class policy advisor in child sexual abuse prevention. She is really smart and kind.

As you have already discovered, you value purpose and career over girls. So just having sex once might only confirm that for you. Just keep your standards, do not shame yourself, even if you do have pedophilia, you might still also be attracted to adults, which is a really good thing to keep in mind. 

Do you experience sexual attraction at all? Maybe this is a stupid questions, but some people might not and that is also ok.

@bejapuskas I agree that I reject my inner child by taking life very seriously.  It puts me under a lot of pressure to "live up to my potential." This is combined with the fact that I still live with my family, creating another source of pressure.  All of this pressure also creates resistance.  This gives me ideas like "must" or " have to.". Ultimately this is a way to manipulate myself into acting in a different way.  I'm a little concerned that saying that won't be enough to change this because it is a massive blob which explains my whole life and psychology.  I would be pretty different if I changed that and it would be a truer and more authentic way to live free of this manipulation.  It seems hard to do, but I allow it to be as easy as possible even if it scares me.  Fear is what manipulates me in this case.

You are correct that I am not really projecting pedophilia.  I mean something more like OCD.  In public I often do act in ways people don't understand or interpret in a bad way.  This is often linked to autism.  I am often socially awkward unless I am with a good friend.  As for porn addictions you are talking about people who look at porn more than once a day.  I am not even close to that. I mean something else when discussing this hangup regarding sex.

I think it is worth trying sex at least once to see if it makes a difference in this psychological setup.

As for sexual attraction I am different from most people I know.  My family and friends often talked about random girls they noticed from across the room.  My father said to me that the girl was hot and if he were my age he would want to stick his d*** up her butt.  I don't know how or why so many people get fixated on the looks of a random stranger.  It is a distraction from school work when my friends did it and when I look at a random girl I don't get sexual attraction.  I either feel repulsed or neutral.  The same applies to super models where I feel neutral.  It does not compute for me when people talk about sexual attraction based on looking at some random person.

I did have crushes when I was young.  This was before I knew sex existed.  I have a hard time making the jump from crush to sexual attraction as my family and friends describe it.  Maybe I could manufacture sexual attraction through having a close friend, but it is hard to do with random people I don't know.  Sexual attraction would be something learned and practiced with someone you know like the couple that gets horny every time they are each other, otherwise I feel neutral or repulsed.  This could be my learned reaction to avoid sex through these emotional patterns.

[trenton]

7 hours ago, Nahm said:

Is this an accurate summation….

Why do I experience thoughts about harming others, when I know I won’t, and don’t actually want to harm anyone?

@Nahm I did feel like that on multiple occasions.  This is beyond just sex and includes pulling the fire alarm, vandalism, the thought of verbally and emotionally abusing people, and more.  This is related to suicidal thoughts which I spoke to a psychologist about.  He said I operate under a distinction between thought and action even when the line is unclear to me.

[tsuki]

8 hours ago, trenton said:

@tsuki my father is dead.  When he was alive I was his favorite because I am male.  My dad wanted me to carry on the Hamann name by having another son like our ancestors from Germany.  He placed a lot of pride in me because we came from a family of criminals and I was the first after all this time to stay clean and finish school.  A lot of This criminal activity especially from drug dealing worsened during prohibition when my ancestors used under ground tunnels to sell alcohol.  He said I was the one to break the cycle, and like my grandfather he agreed that I would go on to accomplish many huge, great, and significant things.  My father never specified what it was he wanted me to do outside of avoiding criminal activity.  A source of guilt I had during my grandfather's funeral was the fact that I did not appreciate him for all of the hope he placed in me since I was born.

My mother also encourages sex.  She would usually support me regardless of my path.  The one exception is pressuring me to go to college like the rest of family did including my father.  My father didn't finish high school, but oh well.  I'm not mad at him, I just laugh at the hypocrisy instead.  I still see my mother every couple of days.  She is often fighting with my sisters over politics.  My sisters also get upset with me because I was dad's favorite and he neglected them.

I had some mixed messaging from my parents with my dad sounding more religious than my mom.  They both wanted me to go have sex for different reasons.

That's a tall order, to singlehandedly change the fate of the whole family. It's no wonder that you want to become independent so much.

[tsuki]

@trenton Do you generally feel that you can play around in life, explore things without sense of guilt that you are abandoning your duties, etc?

Sex is generally thought of as a form of playful personal expression. Are there any activities in your life that you would call playful personal expression?

[Nahm]

@trenton

What stands to be most helpful & impactful are completely different interpretations of your direct experience, and ways of exploring, understanding, releasing, expelling and therein bringing much clarity to conditioning, trauma, sexual orientation, identity & relating with others in regard to knowing much more so what you actually want going forward, and feeling clarity & inspiration around it. This will ideally bring about & in large part be a product of transmutation and all of the clarity and alignment which comes with it. Most fundamentally, the most significant difference in understanding would be an entirely renewed knowing of what you want, and the feeling of alignment therein, and the key there is an entirely new understanding of trust regarding very specifically what is conceptual and what is actual. Wether there is a bias ring to this is entirely up to you, but I wouldn’t wait. I’d seek out and talk to someone who already understands everything you’re experiencing, who can help you to see all of this with much more ease & clarity. 

A very specific regard comes to mind, that of manipulation and honesty in regard to transcendence. I would talk with someone who’s, so to speak, actually transcended sexuality, ambition, manipulation and trust. Martin Ball comes to mind as ideal, and I believe he still schedules sessions. My opinion, if I were in your shoes, I’d go online right now and schedule a session with him, and then think about it only afterwards. And I would be painstakingly careful in regard to your path, or going forward, about what content or material you put in front of you. Especially in regard to listeneing to the feeling of discord or alignment vs ambition in & harming via selling / manipulation vs emotional intelligence, and self conceptualization(s) vs authenticity.

In regard to “i hate myself”… start loving stuff. Don’t worry about you / take a break from that. Pick out what you do like, wether it’s a lot or a little, as far as interests and activities. Most ideally, do some of that, spend some time on those first thing every morning. With no expectations. No anticipated outcomes. Just for the experience and feeling.  Consider the profound is in realizing the simple is being overlooked. I’d look to love consciously, on purpose. Doesn’t matter if it’s a mug, the sunset, hobbies, etc. I’d re-emphasize that as much as possible. One could imo rightfully frame ‘big problems’ as diverting from simple, simply, expressing love, for literally anything. 

This leads to feeling more authentic appreciation, which is sort of the gateway to feeling more, which becomes foundational in expressive releasing, acceptance, forgiveness, understanding, transmuting, and thus incredibly more moving-forward-ness inspirationally, aligned and knowing and feeling the reality, realness, or actuality, of alignment. All just suggestions here. The ‘buffet’. God bless and I hope you find / realize clarity on these difficult matters.  

[trenton]

2 hours ago, tsuki said:

@trenton Do you generally feel that you can play around in life, explore things without sense of guilt that you are abandoning your duties, etc?

Sex is generally thought of as a form of playful personal expression. Are there any activities in your life that you would call playful personal expression?

@tsuki a playful personal experience could include playing chess.  This is done partly with the intention of turning it into a business, but it also helps create a career I enjoy more than my current job.  Days on which I am less productive because I am tired from work make me think I am not moving fast enough or I'm being lazy.  This leads to YouTube habits and laying bed after work.  Reading and self improvement is supposed to be more important, but this leads to self help with ants in your pants.

Even in pursuing chess sometimes I feel like the significance of my work is limited.  This leads to a sense that I am still being selfish by not focusing on what is good for the rest of mankind.  A self sacrificing attitude is created in the process for the sake of being significant.  Sometimes the joy I take on this activity is undermined by the sense that I am doing what makes me happy, but that it is somehow not the best.  This leads to a lot of inner conflict, but I tend to lean in favor of doing what makes me happy.

I would be a very different person if all of the pressure were gone.  I am constantly on a mission of some kind and I want life to be effortless.  This is the value which resonates with me most emotionally even though I seem to be doing the opposite.