Actualization + Socialization

[yetineti]

Hello All,

I know that this topic has been mentioned before but it is something I have recently come back too.

Essentially, I do not know how to view people.

Or perhaps I do not know how to stop viewing people.

I used to be quite social but for years now I have been in this rabbit hole of solitude, for better or worse. 
 

On one hand it feels although I could just go back to the partying, flirting, fucking, small talk, social stuff, etc. I’m not too ugly, decent talker, certainly not the worst or anything.

But on the other hand - my lack of socializing for the past couple of years has brought up some karma from my family and past socializing that is making me doubt myself.

Nothing I can not work through but I’m like, shit, maybe I should reach out and see if anyone has some tips.

It’s the karma and doubt but also confusion in integrating things like ‘everyone is imagined.’

Honestly, it has helped me socially, to recognize we are all One but when it is framed as ‘we’re all imagined’ idk what to do.

Thats a big responsibility and I find myself wondering ‘how do I properly imagine people’ ‘how to I not distort and fantasize relationships’ ‘how do I not bicker with people like I grew up doing.’

Y'all get the gist.

And I know acceptance of solitude is a big part of this. Just being comfortable being alone. Which I have gotten much better at and plan on continuing working on but also I’d like to be social again, in this dream.

ps I love you

Edited December 31, 2021 by mw711

[Ulax]

@mw711 I would recommend you do the following three things:

1) Cultivate a 'Loving-Kindness' practice. Firstly, you will like yourself more, and people will tend to respond to you accordingly. Secondly, you will like other people more, and people will tend to respond positively to do this.

2) Cultivate a 'Body awareness meditation' practice. I believe you will consequently be more grounded, and retain a greater sense of self.

3) Get clear on your personal boundaries, and preferences. Firstly, regarding the former, identify/ create an idea of what behaviours towards you, you will tolerate before moving on from a person. Secondly, regarding the latter, identify/ create an idea of the traits of the people that you want to connect with socially. I believe this screening approach will prevent socialising being toxic, and will cause you to emanate a vibe that demands more respect, makes for a more pleasant social experience, and increases the chance that you'll make the type and abundance of social connections that you presumably want.

I wish you the best.

[BlueOak]

Gratitude for this. @Ulax

I meditated on it yesterday, these last few days for the first time in years. I asked and wanted to know when I had hurt someone. So it didn't linger with them. I can't stop mistakes or hurting someone inadvertently but I did want to not be blind to when it had happened. 

Thanks for your words.

@mw711
Are you afraid of what will happen, who you will become or what you will do when you bicker?

My father and I bickered every day from about 6 to 26. It was only as I entered my 30's and he his 60's that we slowly mellowed. Its not the end of the world if you bicker, things don't break, or become usually unrepairable. If you talk to people, give them time, space and honesty. Trust and a sense of the relationship between you both can build in even the most tempestuous ones. It may never be flowers and roses but I should thank him because between our bickering he's taught me that.

[Ulax]

@BlueOak You're welcome, chief.

[Terell Kirby]

10 hours ago, mw711 said:

On one hand it feels although I could just go back to the partying, flirting, fucking, small talk, social stuff, etc. I’m not too ugly, decent talker, certainly not the worst or anything.

But on the other hand - my lack of socializing for the past couple of years has brought up some karma from my family and past socializing that is making me doubt myself.

Seems to me the self-actualization requires us to take a step back, and self isolate for some time. During this period, we begin to question many assumptions .. specifically the inherent value of social relationships. What we find is a lot of bullshit, codependency, toxicity and lies that influence our social activity with friends, family and colleagues.

This could significantly decrease the motivation to go back into the social matrix, yet we can't avoid it unless we want to become hermits. Not to mention, even though most of it is BS .. we still get some ego satisfaction out of it.

Best thing to do is (when you are ready), go back out and socialize, but do it from a conscious space with your newfound knowledge. You will be tempted to judge others who are ignorant, but it helps to have compassion for them .. as they are simply ignorant, and have not had the profound insights that you have from self actualization.

Make a conscious effort to socialize, at least a few times a week .. to get you back into the swing of things.

[yetineti]

@Ulax fantastic advice, much thanks

[yetineti]

@BlueOak Certainly, yes, there’s a fear of the unknown here. Also, yes, with bickering/debating/idea sharing.

I bicker with my Dad too, sounds similar. Also my mom and sister. Less and less though.

It kind of ties into what @Terell Kirby was saying about being tempted to judge. 
 

I do not know how to integrate my new perspectives yet. I come across as rude or trying to get a point across. 

I do not put out the discipline required to be grounded in my thoughts while be empathetic to others. It’s to the point where I used to think like someone but still not take the time to put myself back into their shoes. I’m selfish and I like my alone time.

I am bad at letting people have space, be their self. When I’m alone, I love everyone for who they are. Good and bad. But in the moment, with them, my reflexes bring me back to argumentation. 
 

There’s a lot of work to be done yet.

I liked all of your responses though. 

Trying to have fun with this. Think I might need to move to a more populated area lol

Edited January 1, 2022 by mw711