Feeling anger toward family

[Consept]

This is a bit of a personal one but if anyone wants to give advice I'd appreciate it. 

So my family is highly dysfunctional, I won't go into all the ways but one way it manifests is a kind of insult based humour, which seems to be about making the other person feel bad or react in some way, it's about laughing at the person rather than with them. It also includes telling the same embarrassing stories in social situations, stuff like when you were a kid and scared or whatever. 

It's mainly done by my step-dad but mum and brother also get involved. I have done it before but I try and be aware of it and catch myself, but there definitely is the thought to do it because of the environment. The thing is they are all highly sensitive, quite insecure people, meaning that if you insulted them they would dwell on it and it would really affect them. Its because of this I don't really do it even though I could. But the reason for the anger is that I realised I was constantly tip toeing around their feelings and they don't give a fuck about mine, they go put their way to try and embarrass or wind me up, it's not that what they're doing in of itself wind's me up, it's more the fact that they're trying to do it. 

Just for context I am completely independent from them so I don't live with them or need them for anything but I would at least like to communicate or spend time with them without having this dynamic. I have a sister as well and she's nothing like that and has also recently moved out. 

I have thought of a couple options but as this is a bit of an emotive subject just wanted to see if anyone could look at it more objectively 

[Eph75]

@Consept

I'd say it's a matter you lacking setting boundaries. 

I'd simply, and consistently, just say something like "I get that you think that it's fun to make fun of others and me included, like you did with me just now, but really it's just hurtful and it makes me feel bad and I'd appreciate you not doing that". 

No need to go into an argument here, or point fingers, in fact that removes the power of exposing the emotional impact others behaviors have on us, as it triggers the other person's defence mechanisms. 

This is about you and the impact their behaviors have on you, and they can't take that away from you, and those kind of words stay with most people for a long time. 

With that said, it needs to be consistently done to set AND maintain your boundaries, and stepping-up as needed.

Impact feedback is a bit of an art, so it might take some practice to deliver it to maximize that impact within others. 

 

Edited December 30, 2021 by Eph75

[gettoefl]

the perfect environment for practicing spiritual and personal advancement ... you are very lucky looking at it through this lens ... let your triggers be your teachers

[Boethius]

My family is similar, and I have found the theory of Karpman's drama triangle to be very helpful. It is a tool for avoiding the mind games, though it's not a substitute for going low-contact or no-contact with toxic people. I also find "grey rocking" to be a useful technique.

Edited December 30, 2021 by Boethius

[Nahm]

You mentioned you’ve done this before to them as well. How did they react or respond to this? Were they upset, did they dwell? What specifically did they say, and if they did dwell and resent you, for how long?

[Ulax]

@Consept Been there dude. It can be psychologically devastating.

I personally no contact it. Its a power game to my mind. If it stops through humour the power will be claimed through another channel by them. i believe that it will only stop in the way we want it to stop once they break unconscious cycles. That's usually through some depth psychology based therapy modality to my mind

[Consept]

22 hours ago, Eph75 said:

@Consept

I'd say it's a matter you lacking setting boundaries. 

I'd simply, and consistently, just say something like "I get that you think that it's fun to make fun of others and me included, like you did with me just now, but really it's just hurtful and it makes me feel bad and I'd appreciate you not doing that". 

No need to go into an argument here, or point fingers, in fact that removes the power of exposing the emotional impact others behaviors have on us, as it triggers the other person's defence mechanisms. 

This is about you and the impact their behaviors have on you, and they can't take that away from you, and those kind of words stay with most people for a long time. 

With that said, it needs to be consistently done to set AND maintain your boundaries, and stepping-up as needed.

Impact feedback is a bit of an art, so it might take some practice to deliver it to maximize that impact within others. 

 

Thanks for this advice and i agree i think there have to be boundaries set and if i think about it ive probably let that slip. I think a lot of the time I put others being comfortable ahead of myself and this is something i really need to look at. I will definitely implement some of what youve suggested here. 

 

21 hours ago, gettoefl said:

the perfect environment for practicing spiritual and personal advancement ... you are very lucky looking at it through this lens ... let your triggers be your teachers

lol yeah ive had this thought before, it is a really good environment to practice, as frustrating as it can be!

21 hours ago, Boethius said:

My family is similar, and I have found the theory of Karpman's drama triangle to be very helpful. It is a tool for avoiding the mind games, though it's not a substitute for going low-contact or no-contact with toxic people. I also find "grey rocking" to be a useful technique.

I havent of the drama triangle but will look into it. I have tried grey rocking and it does 'work' but at the same time i feel like why should i shutdown myself because of them? 

 

18 minutes ago, Nahm said:

You mentioned you’ve done this before to them as well. How did they react or respond to this? Were they upset, did they dwell? What specifically did they say, and if they did dwell and resent you, for how long?

I cant remember what i posted previously but obviously its something ive been dealing with. I did try the grey rock method and and just generally not letting them into my life too much, it does work but tbh i dont even think they really notice, some of them are just in their own world and just completely self-focused so i guess its more about how i deal with the situation. What annoyed me and the reason for the post is a family convo over xmas via video call, i was the only one not physically present, my gf was with me and she noticed how they would just pick up on things she said and twist them to 'jokingly' insult me, that kinda triggered me and i was just like i need to do something about this. I called my mum to say how i felt and tbf she did accept what i was saying, the big issue is more with my step-dad, ive called him out before on my sisters behalf and he basically went crazy. 

8 minutes ago, Ulax said:

@Consept Been there dude. It can be psychologically devastating.

I personally no contact it. Its a power game to my mind. If it stops through humour the power will be claimed through another channel by them. i believe that it will only stop in the way we want it to stop once they break unconscious cycles. That's usually through some depth psychology based therapy modality to my mind

Sorry to hear youve been through it as well bro, yeah i mean they would have to do a lot of work to even realise what theyre doing is not healthy and im pretty sure theyre not willing to. Complete no contact might be a bit extreme for me but my contact is limited anyway as i dont live in the same country, but i also feel a certain anger where i want them to know how i feel and set my boundaries up 

[Nahm]

@Consept

Could kinda just stop and question, why do I want them to be different. You might surprisingly find you actually don’t, and that realization actually creates the change desired, but respectfully, that’s not really my business. 

Sometimes, ambition includes suppression, and one kicks ass, and later revisits. 

[Consept]

4 hours ago, Nahm said:

@Consept

Could kinda just stop and question, why do I want them to be different. You might surprisingly find you actually don’t, and that realization actually creates the change desired, but respectfully, that’s not really my business. 

Sometimes, ambition includes suppression, and one kicks ass, and later revisits. 

Nah dont get me wrong i dont want them to be different or at least ive accepted they are who they are, the anger is because of their effect on me and me obviously not setting appropriate boundaries. what do you mean by the last sentance?

[Nahm]

10 minutes ago, Consept said:

Nah dont get me wrong i dont want them to be different or at least ive accepted they are who they are, the anger is because of their effect on me and me obviously not setting appropriate boundaries. what do you mean by the last sentance?

But if you accepted it then they aren’t having any effect on you. Boundary … of acceptance?

It’s not uncommon to get some motivation in the energetic sense form these ‘affects others have on us’ and direct that energy into our drive and ambition. It can help fuel ‘changing my life’ or ‘changing the world’. Often, later, there is a discordant feeling in said situations with others which wasn’t noticed or thought much about before. 

As a reference, one of the worst things a spouse can endure is stilling being mad about an argument, and noticing the other isn’t at all.