Thoughts, Confessions and Feelings Journal

[Fleetinglife]

30/12/2021 

''The mentality of most people here in the region of the world where I spent my life is like that of floating uncultivated raw debris carried forward by the tides of history and a sunflower turning towards the Sun in a mostly half-hearted and unfinished attempt to mimic the Spirit of the Others carrying forward and innovating human and civilizational progress, yet what sets these people apart in their unprivileged position from the rest of the so-called centers of civilizational progress, is that when they are educated, actualized and cultivated enough they gain the unique ability to see through all the inconsistencies, hypocrisies, fictions and contradictions also contained within the unfolding, development and current reality of this 'story', but the tragedy of it that they were only briefly and now God knows for how long until again able to construct their own patched together civilization, though still semi-dependent and semi-developed in contrast to it, in an attempt to construct something uniquely theirs through the insight of those who were educated and enlightened enough too first gain the insight about the authenticity and dormancy of the awakening of their actual collective self being in the region and tre nature of its relation to those very same 'beacons of civilization' outside the region''

Edited December 30, 2021 by Fleetinglife

[Fleetinglife]

30/12/2021

''I have noticed that my verbal expressiveness of the ideas I think I hold in my head when communicating them to other people is not on a self-satisfactory level that I would wish it to be, a lot of gaps, pauses, and rigidity in the free flow and the expression of thoughts through words, not effortlessly but through a forced mannerism''

''Also a lot of aggressiveness can be heard in the voices and expression of a lot of ordinary people here, I kind of repressed savagery and barbarism sweeping underneath their psyche perhaps finding forms in extremely unpleasant verbal aggressive ways and auras and constant restlessness and unrest in their very beings not integrated into the conscious part as a part of the repressed shadow''

[Fleetinglife]

30/12/2021

''I have changed my profile picture on all virtual platforms where I am located to this very personal statue for me since I first laid my eyes on it and took interest in it as a child when I came back to my home country from Canada and have now once again out of a sense of hopelessness and despair have rediscovered it's longevity and resilience in standing there unharmed after all the events that have befallen the building where it is attached on its facade and the countries where it is located - standing there virtually unharmed since 1934 it was projected as a symbolic statue of the New Military Air Highcommand Building for the entire countries Airforce, surviving plotting coups within the building at the onset of WWII in the Balkans, high precision-guided missiles and bombs falling on the building it's attached to during the NATO bombing campaign 65 years later with the statue remaining firmly attached to the military building's facade virtually unscathed and unharmed by all the events that have unfolded and impacted it's buidling mother building and it's surroundings and location as a symbol of longlasting resilience despite the rapid flow and change of time and historical epochs.

The statue's name is the Bound Icarus it was a modernist style architectural project designed to accompany the modernist style of the High Air Command Building itself (Fun little Fact: which's design in whole was self-admittedly confessed by the Serbian architect behind the whole building Dragisha Brashovan inspired and aimed to an extent to mimic the architectural design and look of how some prestigious Hollywood studios looked at the time in the 1930s  who would have thought) by the Bulgarian female architect Zlata Cvetkova with the aim to picture Icarus at the moment when he is, with his spread wax and feather wings, steeping of the cliff and lunging forward to take flight.

The statue has a very deep personal history with me since I first spotted it and took interest in it as a child and with my family's history as well with their career profession and the events that sparked them to move again from Canada back to Serbia, and those thoughts and feelings that I have stored in regards towards it have resurfaced once again when today in the night stroll on the Main Street here in Zemun I took a glance at it again it standing in the same old place it always has since I first saw it as a child on the opposing parallel bus station on the other side of the Main Street here in Zemun.

1. Here is the architectural look and design of the High Air Command Military Building itself:

2. The Statue of when I took a picture of it at nighttime illuminated by the reflectors pointing at it nearby in order to make it visible in the night and in order for it to stick out in that part of the Main Street surrounding building landscape:

3. Here is the accompanying favorite song from the main soundtrack theme of Deus Ex: Human Revolution called 'Icarus' released exactly ten years ago, at the same time with game's official release, from the soon to be the current year 2022 in 2012 (a nice decade since coming to an end and lapse commemoration with this song IMO ) that I listened to the end of high school a lot of times on repeat in moments be it of fantasizing grandiosities nad change in the future or melancholy or sad hopelessness mood in general that fits the theme and symbol portrayed on the statue, in this case, Icarus breaking the bonds of his pasts by breaking away from the battered down and scarred facade and lunging himself forward off the small white cobblestone cliff, spreading the wings of his own making and taking flight into the vast unseeable possible future of the skies with boundless potentials!

And I wish that to everyone at the start and beginning of this New Year to gather their own inner courage, strength, fearlessness, and will to lunge themself forward again and against wherever they currently are at with their inner and outer wings of their own making into the vast boundless future that the skies above us all hold!

A Happy New Year In Advance and a Merry Christmas to you all who are celebrating it on the Seventh!

 

 

Edited December 30, 2021 by Fleetinglife

[Fleetinglife]

1/2/2022

''Meditated for half-an hour at least than afterward felt a wave of tiredness sweep through me and my entire upper body and couldn't ressist it and had to lie down moving alarm clocks one after another after ten minute each for an hour long sleep or half-awaken lying down resting whatever it felt like while having various lucid dreams and thoughts going through my perceived mind and head region where it feels on the inside like I have pulsating physiological halo around my brain which I guessed and figured is maybe caused as result of recent past excessive porn addiction use and this is a result of the amygdala or brain chemistry trying to slowly wean off it and feeling that pressure and pain in that area of the head and brain as result of the addictive lack of stimulus I cut off giving it when I decided I had to quit it for the sake of my mental health, circadian rhytm normalization habits and the developing of interest for cultivating my personal, future career and social life and regaining of interest of finding a girlfriend''

[Fleetinglife]

1/2/2022

9:04 - Meditated/contemplated for twenty minutes at least

''Would get sudden images of wanting to blow my brains out or a bullet going through my skull and brain in order to ease the rushing thoughts of hopelessness, pain, and despair that I felt and thought of who the f#ck am I even, why I am I here, what the h#ll is the point of my existence and my purpose here in this life as I am, where I am, where I am at and of my experiences up until this point? I couldn't control them they just came in like a high-speed railway train.

I also remembered and had to experientially relive in my head a past forgotten traumatic and suppressed experience at an excursion in high school where I got drunk in the company of some peers from high school class on a bitter liqueur alcoholic drink called pelinkovac with the brand Gorki List resembling in taste and alcoholic volume the German Jagermeister and afterward the only recollection I had was that I went alone to my school rented motel room in Prague where we stayed, which I shared with two other peers from class, and feel asleep drunk, and groggy and later when I woke up I found out that I have vomited all over the motel room hallway during the night that the other students from different classes had to lead me to my room and clean up after me and that I was left alone in my room and that I have vomited during the night in my sleep, luckily my head and my body was turned on the side so luckily I vomited on my pillow and did choke and swallow my vomit unconsciously during the night and suffocate on my puke. Later when one of my then motel room peer occupants noticed this when we woke up the next morning, he laughed at me and joked and I kinda went with it at my expense but now later did I realize that I could have easily perhaps died in my sleep due to alcoholic overdose and choking on my puke that nobody from my class or room occupants batted an eye or cared only when I woke up did they notice and I there left alone in that room could have easily died in my sleep right then and there at 18 if I didn't luckily or unconsciously fall asleep lying sideways which I usually never did then, I would mostly fall asleep on my stomach. So yeah that was my traumatic experience which I resurfaced now, it felt like at that moment since I felt lonely and ostracized in my class with not a lot f people who I hung out with or made friends with and not having any girlfriend at that time that I had an unconscious suicidal death wish at that field trip, how it went and how I suffered through it mostly alone, lonely and isolated and that I had this unconscious self-hating or inferiority complex desire to overdose my self with alcohol to numb out that over encompassing feeling that it felt it shaped my whole experience of life and reality there like I was in some sort of hell and that I wanted to then unconsciously kill myself than with an alcoholic overdose - I later posited that feeling might have steemed from my undigested feelings towards my mother's post-birth depression, depression and her passing away by suicide when I was 7 and then that identify with me inheriting that same feeling and perception of my experiences in life and that it was like I curse I bore from inheriting it from here or part of here getting reincarnated in me as a second life in order to bear out the punishment for her suicide at the time - those were thoughts and feelings that I felt at the time and still do have as some sort of unadmitted idiosyncratic belief system in looking at the world and interpretitng my experince in it and my experiencing and perception of them at times''

Edited January 2, 2022 by Fleetinglife

[Fleetinglife]

1/4/2022

I tried to meditate for a half-hour and twenty minutes afterward with differing success in the ability to stay focused away from my thoughts, internal images, and feelings and on the direct experience of reality at the time.

''I resurfaced a close memory from about two days ago with having a long talk and walk with one of my close friends now about various social, cultural and political topics in the country that we both live in and our differing views on them, and during the course of that talk and walk I could distinctively feel the stink eyes, the contempt, prejudices, and biases at moments that my friend forwarded towards me as a person, the known history that I shared with him and with my views, viewing me in not such a good a light as a person and my views that I have towards various social and cultural topics here, I can only judge by this unpleasant experience that I had with him that the more you know about someone, his history, who and what he is and how he became to be as he is, if you are at differing stages of consciousness, the more likely is that they come to hate, not like you, have prejudices, biases, and hatred towards you. I can judge and guess with in regards to how long I know my friend and his views as to him being a solid middle or upper stage Blue consciousness level type with a not yet fully digested Red shadow due to the way I noticed his surfaced emotions of anger and contempt in his facial expressions and physical edginess and restlessness in his body movements and of course of how that amounts to regarding his views and feelings towards the society and the world that he lives in is an absolutist in the moral sense, heavy-handed Christian conservative, reactionary and uncomfortable, in reaction, backlash, denial , and reversal mode against of up until now established and some current trends and paths of development in modern societies, especially societies undergoing again that process of modernization like some of the Balkan countries, and a wish and desire on his part to stop them, reverse most of them up until now and those yet to come and return back and start rebuilding towards some romanticized and idealized version of the past - an ultra version of conservatism here in his case.

Of course, I also had some undigested anger and contempt towards my friend with the way interpreted some of his comments and remarks regarding me and some quickly drawn stereotypes and insensitive, mean jokes regarding my family members that I again felt were directed towards me as a way of mocking me with no clear empathatic feeling I felt coming from him and emotional intelligence that comes with his stage of development consciousness wise and showing contempt to me from a superiority complex position in regards to his own academic success, beliefs, habit patterns, and work methods and ethics that led to it and my own bogging down, underperformance and underachievement in contrast to his in regards to my studies of sociology and where I currently am at with them and I felt that on his part as a way of mocking me that my indepedntly formed beliefs that I am trying to independently hold as a person as I see them as authentically and spontaneously formed in regards that they came out of my own most deeply felt emotions and thoughts not influenced by external pressures or demands to conform to the rest of societies expectations of me in regards to experience own views on my own life, society that I live in and reality and life as a whole that they are the ones that led me to this path and state that I am currently at in and point in life.

That's why I am heavily considering and weighing in my own mind that even if this friend is my next-door neighbor and friend since childhood and one of the persons in the last few years that I hung out with the most with, that I can't expect to have a good, pleasant long time chatting with him anymore due to his personal flaws due to his consciousness stage level and beliefs and that I have slowly but surely find new close friends which I can see more eye to eye to on most topics, and that of this friendship to be truly trustworthy, close and flourish can't be the case because of the differences of consciousness level and stages and values and worldviews that go with them, and so thus feel a need to scale it down a bit and lower and lessen the degree of seeing my friend even though we are close and nearby to each other and to keep in touch and contact with him but lessen the degrees when and how often do I see him and hang out with him and go in an active, slow but steady search in finding new friends.

The thing that I resurfaced and was most revelatory for me regarding him as a person and his feelings and thoughts towards me and emotional intelligence and level of care, worry, concern, and empathy for me and his view of me as a person and what I am worth, level of the value that I have and meaning to him as a relatively close, long acquaintance and friend was when I hadn't been in contact with anyone two months ago, he assumed, after a couple of days and weeks, because of the prior hard emotional states that I had shared with him that I had, that I had committed suicide and sort of gave up on messaging me, calling me, asking anyone from my family and friends or sending me or them messages of where I am or am I alright or is everything fine with me since I am not answering my phone or responding to messages for two weeks approx. and waited on the news, that the only use he saw in me was to go outside with me and get out of the house to have someone to talk to in order not to stay locked in the home where he was bored and annoyed. And several people reacted in a way I didn't expect them to and some, in turn, felt offended and thought in turn that I deliberately ignored them or trolled them by not responding to their messages and calls and have cut off contact with me and don't want me to be friends with them anymore. But this story and event entry I will leave for the next or another journal entry.''

Edited January 4, 2022 by Fleetinglife

[Fleetinglife]

Journal Entry Exports from; Writing out the Negative: Anger, Contempt, Disgust, Fear, Judgement. Depression etc.

Posted October 8, 2021 (edited) · 

''Why do I have judgment and feel contempt towards my traditional, mentally undeveloped, and uneducated fellow countrymen - I don't consider these people to be cognitively and emotionally developed enough to be considered citizens - they are a specific ethnic folk of sorts - all these also as well judgments by the way?

Why do I consider them barely human beings with reason and cognitive thinking skills as I know them and not some this ethnic folk species of animal of this region with the only aim to reproduce and maintain a life of more of their same ethnic genus - since it seems most of them are a lot obsessed by that as bigger group solidarity meaning and purpose to their lives rather than finding their own that fills their emptiness and void and makes them happy about themselves and the lives that they lived.

Why do I hate and despise their naivety, stupidity, and lack of thinking skills so much?

Is it because I see it as a present danger to my safety and wellbeing of living in this country and a fear of being ostracized by their own judgemental, uneducatedly narrow, and rigid point of view that I consider so delusional and detached from the reality of present things in the country and culture of this country, a kind of coping mechanism if you will for their despair filled lives that only rely on hope from others bestowed upon from someone they legitimize and give credence to being an authority of some sort on any issues they are clueless or ignorant about and don't even bother to put in the effort to research it on their own.

I don't consider them as fellow citizens, I consider them as subjects to the regime in this country - subject in terms of mental slavery to its ideology and economic slavery of terms of them barely surviving and getting by as wage slaves barely covering their living expenses and the costs of life - in other words, internally hopeless slaves that cling onto hope and charity from others and their rulers - I see it as a pathetic existence not worth living if you are mentally aware of this fact of your life and you do not repress it or ignore it or delude yourself into thinking from a non-reality based belief system in order to cope with this kind of existence and a fact of your life. They used to say here and coined the term in the old Yugoslav times - Better a grave than being a knave.

In fact, I know why I hate and despise them and why I can't stand their voice and sentence stringing and the utterly irrational and illogical way of thinking that goes behind it. It is that I consider them as being unworthy to be my authority on anything related to thinking and opinions in this country and to determine my fate of living in this country by voting for autocracy and authoritarianism and continuously drumming the nationalistic chauvinistic contempt and hate-filled prejudices drums of hate, ignorance, contempt, conflict, tensions and ultimately warmongering towards other peoples in the region that I see as a threat to my own safety and physical and mental wellbeing living in this country.

But that's not the worst of it. The worst of it is that they want ME to feel and think the same way on these issues as them - they act as ethnic gatekeepers for all their people.

Who is not loyal to these ideas, criticizes, condemns, and tries to distance himself from the current mafia state and its party held by this self-proclaimed nationalistic and patriotic oligarchic cabal centered around their beloved autocrat and states of affairs in the country, and tries to rationally communicate and bridge a gap between himself and other peoples in this region is targeted, by the most vocal and chauvinistic of the hate vitriolists, who it seems crave deep inside them their own self-destruction

(Durkheim, paraphrase: Hate groups and those who seek and take pleasure from the destruction and humiliation of others are driven by impulses and desires for self-annihilation - out of their lack of self-acceptance and self-love from themselves. Hedges, paraphrase: They externalize and project the act of moral cleansing of themselves onto others through violence and war - the cover for their own vapid despair and emptiness inside them that they can't share with others out of fear of being called and mock as weak, denigrated as cowards and socially ostracized from their own uniform, conformist, totalitarian and homogeneously thinking group). 

obsessively search and hunt for others who they see as the fifth column, traitors and unpatriotic and un-ethnic enough elements in their own country who do not tow their uniform line in ideas, feelings, and acts in the online political spaces and in their mass media broadcasts and channels, they externalize these threats and manifest enemies among their own people and others people in order to obfuscate for themselves their own contempt and hate towards their own lives and their own selves for their unrealized dreams and potentials - the root cause of illiberal sentiments and proneness to totalitarian thinking and group homogeneity maintenance and retreating.

In fact, they hide their own insecurities and cowardice through the homogeneity of their group thought.

The mass media channels (that my grandma now watches) loyal to this autocratic and partocratic regime are complicit in this - turning the switch for their own uneducated and gullible, non-free thinking conformist viewers from vitriols spilling ethnic hatred, prejudices, stereotypes and contempt, conspiracy theorizing and aggrandizing the relevance of the role American politics has (depicting Trump as being anti-establishment versus the liberal establishment who were behind the bombing here and the advocacy for a part of our territories independence, as being more pro-us in the region, as if he knows anything about us or cares about anything but himself and his own political survival and maintenance of the fake populist image)

(one of the biggest offenses to me was here when the tabloid press here convinced my now passed former war veteran and Yugoslav air officer grandfather shortly before he passed away that Trump gave a shit about this country, region, and us, was pro-us and cared more about us with his dealings in this region - a big lie and grand conspiracy propagated by one of the ultranationalist and populist parties here to help the major one-party state that rules the country nowhere get support and votes from the rest of their own 'nationalist and patriotic demographic voting base'.

He died believing a lie that a tabloid press convinced him off and still propagates in this country as a conspiracy theory for explaining why Democrats and liberals in America are anti-us to this day to aid and justify and explain away this regime's support and bets for Trump being re-elected. What non-sensical mind poison selling and injecting and brainwashing opportunists and profiteers of public disinformation, lack of access to contrasting information, despair, hope, and ignorance of their readers and viewers- screw the bastards.)

taking into account the importance of this region and this country - inflating the fragile nationalist self-relevance ego of their own viewers from this tiny nation - with these grand geopolitical conspiracy theories - us vs them, and then switching it down soothing and acting as televised as non-credentialed counselors for their mind, health, and wellbeing with astrology and bioenergy non-credentialed con artists and pseudoscience advocates who run a small business and business coning desperate, uneducated and uninformed this way - and these media channels platform and advertise these con artists to siphon money and resources from desperate and stupid people and for them, I guess they get the share out of those profits for advertising for them - they also invite priests and self-appointed healers who perform and talk about the same shtick to their gullible watching and uneducated audience. They basically advertise for and platform con artists that prey on people's despair and stupidity with certain heavy life issues that they have.

I will not go quietly into the night following them blindly as I paraphrase Churchill.

Btw interesting quote by Hedges I think that relates to this on some level but in a different context but still relevant to the one I live in since it is also a product of economic and cultural globalization:

''Positive psychology is to the corporate state, what eugenics was to the Nazis" - Chris Hedges

I am done with my venting out and ranting, for now into text, I need to re-learn to think and write clearly my thoughts and ideas so people who decide to read this journal won't see it as incoherent gibberish of a person venting unconnected sentences and words with no logic and reasoning behind them and not conveying any deeper understanding of his feelings and the situation he finds himself in that he thinks also cause him to feel this way.

Its judgment and judging others I know but it is not without good reason and cause pertaining to my own individual wellbeing and survival - In fact, I think it would be self-destructive and suicidal for me not to since it directly pertains to and threatens my own survival, it is a form of sanity retaining and mental self-defense to the poisonous imposition of ideas and feelings by others as I see it and feel it.

I will write more in detail later about other causes of my other negative feelings and suicidal ideations from time to time - about the lack of meaning and purpose in life I feel and my resistance and fear to falling into this conformist, hopeless, mind-numbing, and brain-dead trap as I see it that people I mentioned above I see as living - stripped of their individual humanity and potential by returning back to these aforementioned sources of their misery with life and self-loathing and despair that they repress are not conscious enough of themselves how they relinquish their individual autonomy to media at hand doing the thinking for them.

Until then thanks also for anyone finding this interesting enough to read for themselves and thinking to themselves that they are not wasting time in having the patience and time in reading this, though I wrote it to unearth the cause of these thoughts, judgments, and feelings mostly for myself here as a journal.''

Edited January 20, 2022 by Fleetinglife

[Fleetinglife]

Journal Entry Exports from; Writing out the Negative: Anger, Contempt, Disgust, Fear, Judgement. Depression etc.

Posted October 11, 2021 

''I am having escapist lucid dreams more and more lately basically after a month or so, unfortunately, I didn't write them in the journal, but the latest ones that I remember I plan to do. They basically boil down to stuff happening that is a wish-fulfillment in my dream of the stuff I failed on, was too afraid, indecisive, impatient, weak, selfish, or cowardly to do in the past and recent present which I had a deep longing towards or dreamt of in real life of fulfilling in my future to sort of achieving which I failed on being a possibility anywhere soon or at all in my life. 

Though a recent example not having anything to do with wish-fulfillment from a couple of days ago (three days ago I think in fact) was a dream of being scanned for my fingerprints and blood flow to my fingers by a mini floating UFO of a flying disk shape with a red tractor beam (at least what It seemed like it was doing) and floating around my head while I was lying down in my bed where I sleep in this apartment somewhere at very early morning time with the sun barely coming out. I dreamt of myself basically being in a half-awake groggy state and barely being able to move or recognize it and being too tired or weak to do anything about it. Also in that dream earlier, I dreamt of being aware of family members entering my room while I am lying down sleeping in my bed also in the morning time and talking to something to me while I am too groggy or tired to respond or do anything about it but I only aware of them being there faintly through my senses and then suddenly during that same time in the morning (be it 5 or 6 AM) I have the desire to move and respond to them but just as I move in my dream in my bed I wake up I realize I am still in that bed but there is no one in the room and there is dead silence in the morning and I am lying there now awake trying to grasp and come to my senses was I just dreaming that what I just perceived happening in my room a moment ago in the early morning time while I was in the same position in my bed as half-asleep and being faintly aware of it all happening and trying to slowly come in to grasp and discern up until what point was I dreaming of being at bed sleeping in the early morning  and being aware of all that happening in the background in my room and at what point did I wake up in the same position that I was in during the dream in my bed it would appear roughly at the same time in the morning. This difficulty to discern what was the dream and what was me being awake in the morning came up roughly at the same time during the morning when I would wake up in shock and would later go back to sleep.

Note: I didn't watch or have read any UFO-related or alien stuff in a long time and was skeptical for a long time and during the supposed Pentagon release of footage and confirmation of the existence of UFOs about almost a year ago and considered them just to be cover of the flight of secret experimental US Airforce planes and technology since the sights would usually happen in America and few other places in the world as far I followed it when I was briefly interested in it a while ago as a teen. 

The wish-fulffilment lucid dreams were either a product of a wish being fulfilled or an unlikely scenario playing out of which I had deep longing towards happening and me realizing in the past especially during my time in high school and of being a product of my imaging of interacting with some people or being a real-life witness of their interactions happening that I know from watching online on YouTube for some time or that are known as online celebrities mostly in the English speaking domain of the Internet.

For example, I faintly remember of dreaming being in a cafe as a customer or something of a sort and watching the interaction in real-time of  Jordan Peterson and some other figure which seemed to resemble the online YouTuber Vaush from his ponytail appearance (though I have watched neither of them for a long time, almost a year on YouTube just saw their faces and pictures from time to time on Twitter or recommendations for their videos on YouTube), they then briefly went to finish their conversation on the second floor of that cafe and then suddenly I found myself on the street in some rural area that seemed like somewhere in my country Serbia and I felt lost there and started looking for directions to get back where my apartment is in Belgrade and started asking people around, I asked an old grandad (who In facial appearance resembled almost my own grandfather who passed a year ago now) he pointed me in the direction towards the station there and then I encountered Peterson and asked him for some reason as if he knows which bus line in this rural place looking place should I take that goes to Belgrade and for him to point to me on the map where does it drop me off in Belgrade where it is nearest and closest from my apartment and taking another city line from there and then right when he was showing to me where my bus line will end and on which station of that bus line should I exit in Belgrade I woke up.  Weird dream.

The wish-fulfillment lucid dream that I had today had to do with me being in an open place almost an ancient greek amphitheater of some sort in the woods all covered in vine and mostly overgrown by nature with familiar but facially indistinguishable faces sitting there ( it is as if I knew all the people sitting there intuitively from my encounters with them in real life but couldn't really see their faces or name exactly each of them who they have just had a familiarity of their presence) and then from the back of my eye noticed and caught a glimpse of a very familiar face in the backdrop of that overgrown natural amphitheater and other ancient building space that looked exactly like the face from the pictures of the 19th and 20th-century French sociologist Emile Durkheim that was walking away and I started running towards him and people sitting in the naturally overgrown amphitheater spaced asked me: ''Where are you going!? What are you running towards!?", and I replied to them laconically filled with pride in myself and joy (even though it is very likely now in my depressing and existential and purpose crisis because of this real life that I won't be able to graduate and become a certified sociologist at all, given how many exams I have leftover from previous years and how I am currently feeling mentally strong in my intellectual capabilities to do so from developing 'brain rot' and lack of willpower due to a chronic addiction to entertainment, procrastination, and porn on the Internet during the past year especially and before that vastly diminished my chances of accomplishing this in the remaining years left of my studying and receiving a family pension from the state while being a full-time student),: ''Well, I am a sociologist myself. It is my duty to get an autograph from a man and sociologist such as Durkheim who works I was exposed to in high school (especially on Suicide given my family history) got me interested and fascinated to want to study sociology in faculty and become a sociologist in the first place!''. Then in my dream, I consciously ran towards the figure that was walking back on the road behind the amphitheater surrounded by a crowd of adoring fans that I thought looked and resembled the famous sociologist and when I came up to that figure it turned out it was a woman wearing glasses surrounded by a crowd following here that resembled him slightly in facial appearance and appeared to be a female writer of some sort, I apologized to her for running up to her impromptu and kind of disappointedly gave up on my autograph. Then the next thing I know I was standing on large blocks of stone on the wall of some seemingly old fortress from medieval times that resembled slightly the Kalemegdan fortress in Belgrade and my highschool girl crush and then thought possible and potential future soulmate that was put there for me in life I then had a feeling of and thought of her as that (she in some facial aspects and personality-wise even resembled Leo (I can't post here picture here I feel like it would be a against her right to privacy on an unknown forum and privacy rule here in general), like a younger female version of Leo in Serbia, which I found later kinda weird since when I watched Leo on YouTube I would be slightly reminded of her because of the similarities of his and her facial appearance ), and I knew here and went with here in highschool up until 2017 even before I found Leo's channel and then after I left high school and was in faculty still had a deep crush on her for some time, and this was before I found Leo website and channel on YouTube back in 2017 and slightly later when I just started watching his videos on his channel back in the summer of 2017) I went together in high-school with appeared together with a guy friend of hers in high school who was also an almost all As an excellent student like her (she rolled in a different faculty than me in the University of Belgrade and I have also found out recently that she had graduated in law school recently and became a certified lawyer just in the basic studies graduation term for studying for for 4 yeasr) in high school also appeared and approached me and started talking to me. I had a conversation with her in my dream that felt as it was very intimate, like with a very close girl friend that I knew for some time (in contrast to very brief interactions I would have with her in highschool and my mostly platonic love for her during that time in my life), and then she suddenly out of the blue told me that I don't have to go or rush anywhere since we will be all staying here (including her best straight As highschool guy friend) and sleeping over together tonight (In some supposed tour house I guess for all of was to sleep in and stay the night from highschool) and then I suddenly very casually in her way directed a very very lascivious joke regarding opportunities and possibilities for me and her in that sleeping together arrangement (spontaneous horny dreams what out me forcing them what can I do...)  (that would probably have been too outrageous to say to her in real life given our degree of closeness and friendship then and especially now when I am out of touch with her for four years and have only seen her last time when I invited her to my grandfathers funereal last year) and then backtracked with another joke disputing the meaning of what i meant that made her and her best guy friend from highschool laugh in the dream. She then started walking on the edge of the wall of those stone blocks on the fortress as if playing with the height and chasm below with her best guy friend from high school and I followed them both expecting to interact with them more and the dream ends there and I woke up.

The only way I can interpret this last dream is that I am idealizing that deep sense of longing and want I had of her when I was going together with her in the same high school and sometime after that when I  had another short failed hook up the attempt in faculty (that I also told directly once that she reminded in her pale skin pigmentation of the idealized first crush girl from high school) almost two years later in 2018 and afterward the fantasies and longings and wants of her resided a short time after that as well. Just goes to show how deeply did idealize her as being my missed opportunity future soulmate and the one meant for me, how much the deep longings and wants of her lasted, and how much I remained obsessed with her for some time, though mostly unconsciously it seems, that I projected and valued and got attracted to other girls appearances based on how much it resembled her own and her personality and how much the time I thought I was in love her lasted that I projected her onto other women and had memories and fantasies of her appearing to me during the day. An unhealthy obsession with mostly a figment of imagination, an idealized image of a woman I had a crush on in high school (who also I found out briefly indirectly from one of her gestures of touching my fingers on my hand and whispering my name so I can just barely hear it during a shared photo of the entire class in high school in the second year also I had a brief crush on me, but I was to much of an introvert and coward to act then at 16 or 17 fearing to be in relationship with her at that time since she was bullied and mocked by some classmates then and I didn't have really developed crush towards her then) and never had developed an actual friendship or meaningful interaction beyond my platonic love of her and projection of my own mind of her in short. It also shows how deeply lonely I feel now and how a lack of experience in any relationship or being in an intimate or partnership relationship with the opposite sex has impacted my psyche, I am 23 now with no experience of being in an actual relationship with any woman up until this point, that I am fantasizing in my dreams, maybe subconsciously, my idealized crush and then thought of missed soulmate in life from high school, that  I am having these dreams of her in my wish-fulfillment scenarios stalking me after this much time has passed since high school and also how much I have failed up until this point in my original intent and aspirations of graduating and becoming a certified sociologist in my basic studies term time or much more even the possibility of becoming a certified one at all now given my state and missed opportunities, studying procrastination, distractions by entertainment and porn weakening my discipline and mental willpower and fortitude to study long term, with patience and seriously with no distractions, excuses and procrastination and experiences in not taking and chickening out of some exams this summer and in the past semesters that piled up in these 5 years since my enrolling in faculty in the sociology study group in 2017. 

Experiences full of failed dreams and wishes that are now manifesting themselves as wish-fulfillment in my dreams as means for my psyche to cope with the living experiences of knowing them and having memories of them in the real-life where I am now experiencing a lot of suffering, mental pain and above all regret, daily life filled with the memory and knowledge of regret,  of not coming even close or lifting a finger realizing all of these aforementioned things above that was at the time and still in some sense very dear to my heart and felt a strong emotional drive towards and that I felt life put it there for me to realize them and actualize them for a reason but I failed on that promise and are now sitting there like dead dreams and wishes, unrealized now and unpotentialized, and me only retaining a memory of them what I hoped and how I felt at the time I thought they were doable, within reach and that I could achieve them as my life purpose goal when I felt a strong emotional drive towards them. And now because of my laziness and procrastination of some stuff during my daily life due to the felt mental and emotional resistance and finding intolerability of my current life existence and future prospects of it, with no strong drive or purpose towards anything apart from keeping and saving my conditions for receiving welfare from the family pension (based on my passed mother's accumulated work internship while she was still alive and working) from the state while I am a regular student till 26 from the Pensioner Security Fund so I don't have to search for a job and work full time while I am still a student and studying (I am aware current after a wasted year giving only two exams I cant use this as an excuse indefinitely to postpone having to work and find a full time paying wage slave job or any job for that matter). I am aware that not the way to live to hope on keeping receiving welfare while using part of the pension from my grandmother to cover some other expenses while I am living together with her and while she is still alive while even my father works for some unsteady and unfixed income teaching basic English and German at private foreign language school chain while using as only being a student as an excuse so I planned and thought to try to find a part-time job somewhere via maybe the Youth Employment Center to get some income of my own and to start to feel better about myself that I am not so depressed and mentally incapacitated in my overexaggerating mind due to the feelings of prolonged or chronic emotional and mental pain, suffering, sloth, and laziness that I can work and earn an income for myself on my own even as part-time job coupled with still studying and passing some leftover exams from previous years or year this winter semester.

Thanks also for anyone having the time and mental energy to sort through and respond to this incoherently written and all over place journal entry with word of advice, I wrote this mostly for myself to stop procrastinating and resisting mentally and emotionally with distractions, pleasure, and excuses putting these emotionally uncomfortable and painful thoughts that I have been chronically thinking about during some days into the text or at least a part of them that I have been avoiding or being too lazy to write out (even for a year in this case it accumulating) in text somewhere from myself to release them from me obsessing about them cathartically and to better understand them as well, leave a mark of them for others to know what's been mentally and emotionally plaguing me in my mind and most importantly to feel better about myself after forcing myself to write them all out, if not coherently or polished but just to feel that I got them off my chest somewhere where it is readable.''

[Fleetinglife]

Journal Entry Exports from: Thoughts and Contemplation Journal

Posted October 14, 2021 (edited) ·

10/14/2021 

''The greatest of sins and mistakes of this region where I live in is the willful and unwillful ignorance of the terms used to communicate, not knowing the essence and meaning behind those terms just borrowing them for quick descriptive reasons and then parroting them out.''

[Fleetinglife]

Journal Entry Exports from:  Meditation/Contemplation Journal

Posted October 8, 2021, · 

10.8.2021.

30 minutes attempted vipassana session:

thoughts and feelings that came up;

''Extreme anxiety of not feeling safe and fear of killing myself and dying. Of losing everything I have and everything I know to be. The fear came up of me killing myself in the near future or feeling extremely unsafe in my objectively non-threatening environment that I was going to die and lose everything I know about myself, my identity, my current achievements and level of development, EVERYTHING, FOREVER, and would therefore throw the waste the life that was given to me and all the perks I am enjoying now with it, that I would squander the gift of life and being born in the environment that I am born given to me by my mother and my ancestors, especially my grandfather from my father's side - for whom I'd always almost had deep respect and admiration. Fear of losing all that privilege given to me by my ancestors that I just simply inherited from them. And I felt deeply bad that was one of the main things causing my fear of death and not the fear of losing my life itself as it is and myself as a person that I am and an identity - like I did value my own life and personality enough but only the fact it was given to me by others before me. 

I felt like a slow state of depression and dying - or to say more appropriately losing myself into nothing.

A deeply ingrained and non-resolved complex of inferiority detected that was allowed to fester in the unconsciousness in my psyche? Well, yes it certainly seems that way.

Why am I afraid of myself killing myself and why did I feel so insecure about my environment feeling that at any moment it was going to lead to me killing myself? Why so much insecurity and a lack of self-confidence and faith? Why?

Why did it feel so tiring and draining? Like I was trying to let go of myself and be consumed by the abyss. Why am I afraid of getting tired and weak? Why do I fear it would lead me to death? 

What am I anyway? What is this?

Why is letting go into dying so contrasted and opposed to the feeling of living and being alive? Why so much fear and resistance? Why am I so afraid of dying? Why does it feel so tiring and draining? I do not want to just die this way. I can just let go of my life now. Why do I feel that the memories of the personalities of my ancestors haunt me? Why do I feel that I am not worthy enough of them with the way I am living and experiencing my life?

It feels almost like an unending road of depression, aimlessness, hopelessness, and a lack of motive and purpose in life? Why do life and my experiencing of it feel so bleak and alien to me? Why do I feel like I am an alien to experiencing existence? Why do I feel like an alien and stranger to existence and life? Why does nature seem alien to me and yet I feel bleak familiarity, safety and take comfort in its presence, and have a distinct and unexplainable feeling if I go I will be welcomed in familiar arms, its an unexplainable slight feeling of ease and security and hope and comfort around it. Like it will open me with open arms even if I decide to go now, earlier than I should.

Why are so many thoughts of suicidal ideation popping out briefly and then going away? Why do I feel uncomfortable with my present life so much, why do I despise it and hate it so much?

7.10. 2021. Around 10 PM yesterday something. Walking Contemplation Near Trees by the Danube River in Zemun quay,

Why do the trees and nature around me feel like the only thing familiar around me despite my feelings of depression? Why does the breeze feels so good, and making me feel like I am a part of the life-world and natural world even though I feel like currently a human person? It feels like even if I wasn't and ceased to be I would still belong there and return there like some long-forgotten home of mine before all these personal experiences, history, and memories. Like a place, I sprang from an intuitive level and I will spring back to once I am no more here as a person. Only my experience of the leaves rustling in the night breeze and of sensing and seeing the bark of trees, of a various different kind, te names of and species of most I which do not know, in the night by the flowing river like a long lost lifeworld to me which I was once a part through which I know now only intuitively through same faint remembrance and recollection only through the intuition of my senses. The surrounding artifacts and remnants of human civilization seem so alien and dry and foreign to me even though I am a part of it experientially all my life and depend on its system for sustenance for me to sustain and facilitate this experience of enjoyment and pleasantness with moving around, observing, sensing and experiencing the pleasantries and smoothness of the natural world in vibrant and alive phenomenology appearing before me.

The natural world's pull I sense from time to time is where I feel I want to belong. Yet then why do I feel anatural to myself then? Why do I feel so corrupted and perverted from the natural order? Why do I feel estranged to it, like I was damned not to ever feel it in its fullness by the corrupted and perverted ways of mind? When will I free myself from myself? Nature - the breeze, trees, and the river feel very soothing and calming they feel like a part of me. Does nature want to talk to me in the language I have forgotten and no longer understand? How and why did I allow myself to forget it deliberately and cast it aside as unimportant to my life, which I have brief realizations is inseparable from it even if I fool myself in my day-to-day experience and mind it isn't so? Why did these low consciousness fleeting desires and their brief pleasures and always temporary void filling stemming from succumbing to neediness take precedent over wanting to experience nature in its pure and undiluted form? Why the sacrifice of wellbeing for the fleeting, why the succumbing to fleeting desire and fleeting instant gratification and wish fulfillment, over experiencing life more fully, vibrantly, and lively as much of the time as possible when I make opportunities for it? Why the selling myself short of wanting to take care and retain this experiencing ability? Why lose myself in this transient, temporal, and not last for the sake of wish fulfillment and instant gratification and lose out on the serenity, peace, and calm of nature and the natural in attune with it. My thoughts are full, my mind empty. I need to go back to my ancestor's residential beehive building. I will finish this and try to remember more of this later when my thoughts untie themselves around each other, my mind remembers itself and my feelings feel themselves again and not tiredness and burn out.

To be continued when my thoughts and memories catch up. ''

[Fleetinglife]

Journal Entry Exports from:  Meditation/Contemplation Journal

10.8.2021.

25 minutes attempted vipassana session:

 

''My mind feels so painful inside. Thoughts came up to me that got me wondering and pondering why God even brought me up in existence if it can be so painful and miserable like this. Thoughts also came up imaging what it must feel like with bums, homeless people, and people begging for money on the streets to eat and survive. I thought to myself is existing like that without any higher meaning and purpose worth it for a sentient self-aware being with no striving for some higher joy or experiencing in life, but just getting and scarping by  - I thought to myself that maybe if I was in such a position that I would kill myself then rather live like that the rest of my life and days - without any hope of things getting better or improving things for myself. Though I sometimes feel like a bum and homeless person in my head, mind, and how I experience life and existence sometimes like I am just barely just scraping by and holding by emotionally and physically - but only in the brief instances when I am feeling really unwell and bad. And also ask me is it worth living like this the rest of my days with no vision, passion, meaning, joy, or purpose in life. Damn it to hell sometimes my thoughts and emotions do feel so much painful and miserable. 

But back to the track, I really do feel like I hate myself and I am sick with myself deep inside with how low I have allowed myself to fall and have denigrated myself physically, mentally, cognitively, and emotionally from where I was starting as an in contrast to who I was born to and what's the success of my lineage and ancestors. What a miserable and pathetic little life I created for myself I think now at this time and moment from all the shit ignored and I let get to me. I Will continue this tomorrow feel uninspired to dig deeper into the memories of thoughts I had at that point and plus I got distracted by a phone call by my father and Twitter scrolling for news.''

[Fleetinglife]

2/10/2022 11:12 PM

Contemplation and Brief 20 Minute Meditation Session Insight:

Insight 1: People tell stories to other people,  sometimes that primary concerns their current identity and the survival tied to it, that sound way scarier, emotionally heavy, hopeless, and depressing than they are in actual reality when experienced and seen sensually and experientially of how they actually look and what they actually seem like being in empirical, not idealistic, the cognitive image generated reality by the other person, in one's mind: example a story about what a friend's parents where actually accentuated and described in reality with very specific qualitative markers as being like (from the perspective of specific instances of their relationship with the person telling that person and describing to it first hand) versus the actual reality what those persons seem and feel like to the other person when directly experientially, sensory meeting them for a brief moment at firsthand experience.

Insight 2: One must go through experiencing all aspects of a reality that he closed himself off or repressed himself to for moments, periods in his life because one cannot be anything else than the whole sum of his perceived experiences generated in one's mind and given consistency - there lies the path of ultimate True self-acceptance and understanding of the depth of reality that he is living in and it's delicate ultra-complex and fragile interconnectedness and interdependence.

There is no self but the True Self, is there? But one must first know what he means by self and True self, to himself...

There were more but I can for some reason remember what they were now of the bat...maybe I will remember and resurface and dig them out again tomorrow.

Edit

Insight 3: Some people here (in the "real" physical world, not on this online forum specifically) often project their perceived and felt relationships with other people onto their seemingly very real, and emotional constructed image (not self-consciously done if course but unconsciously to kept the survival of their current identity intact and emotionally protected, shielded) what those people actually are like and how they are and what their characteristics as a person actually is with them as person at their core - needless to say that is an extremely self-biased and self-favoritism way of seeing things and seeing other people and them in a relationship with you... that's all for now of what I just had a personal insight of when casually having seemingly self-arrived and spontaneous thoughts on this topic. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited February 10, 2022 by Fleetinglife