Self expression

[B_HAZ]

 

I struggle with self expression a lot , whenever I try to express my authentic self what I truly think\feel it always come out really weird and the reaction I get is always not what I expect \want. Or I get misunderstood completely then end up just being a listener or engaging in a shallow conversations there's always a limit to how I deep I engage in conversations because I feel either they won't get my point ( it will take a lot of effort ) or they will dismiss going that far. I enjoy deep conversations but never felt I'm able to do that with my friends ,  I never felt fulfilled with my friendships because I'm not able to communicate my authentic self in a way thats not weird or be able to make them understand my points and because I always end up being a listener it sucks my energy so much and I feel drained every time I hang out with my friends because they don't meet my need for being understood\connected

Also I struggle with opening up with them because I don't want them to feel bad like I do when they vent or talk about their struggles etc. I feel I will be a burden so I end up just listening and I feel my friendships not balanced I give but I don't get anything back and I feel so tired and drained afterwards, although I love them so much and I want to give but I run out of energy easily and I know this is all because of me but I'm not sure how to fix this I mean how can Improve my self expression and how can I allow myself open up with people without feeling burden and also how can I set boundaries and stop giving so much energy to prevent feeling drained .

Edited December 29, 2021 by B_HAZ

[tsuki]

@B_HAZ There are several possibilities why you experience relationships this way. The most obvious one is that you may simply not be socialized enough and that you've never really felt that you can interact with people freely. A lot of us have this experience and I understand how difficult it is.

Other than that, I have a sense that you feel like you are a burden to your friends by expressing difficult emotions. This is probably not the case if they truly are your friends. The understanding that you have to receive, in order to give is very mature on your part and you should strive to do this. It takes courage to open up and share your less-than-desirable self. Contrary to popular belief, friendships are not built by projecting your attractive self. They are built on vulnerability, on showing that sometimes, you are a creature in need of others. Paradoxically, this will make others open up to you more, because they will feel that you can relate to their struggles.

The most important step in this journey is the first one, because you probably tried to project this cool-guy persona that is always there for others. It may feel like you are betraying yourself at first, but the rewards are very worth it. It's like being able to breathe for the first time, that you don't always have to be strong for others.

As always, this is good that you have these insights and that you are able to state your experience openly on this forum. Realization that this does not work for you is a big step in changing the way in which you approach relationships. The rest of the road is practice.