Changing therapists, what to look for?

[StarStruck]

So soon I will be forced to change my therapist. She will be making a career switch. I was with her for little over a year. She helped me with becoming more social, getting productive, getting centred as a person and trauma processing.

When looking back at my therapy with her I came to the conclusion that she really didn't help me. I helped myself. I read the books, did the work, did the journaling and meditation. She was only there to give me mental and emotional support which I don't take for granted. It was definitely something I didn't have and something that I needed.

She has her credentials: bachelor, master and PHD. And I was shocked how uneducated she was. She didn't knew anything about Freud or Jung. Why? Because her teachers never asked her to study the topics. Why did she even study psychology for almost a decade? All she does is ask me how I feel about things. I never caught her giving me ground breaking advice or any advice really. And when I explicitly asked her advice I could observe that she was getting irritated which is typical for woman since they like to talk about problems but not solve them.

I'm so confused what to look for in a therapist. I need somebody who can help me weed about my social quirks like codependency, coach me with productivity, and self-confidence. People on this forum told me I needed to develop more of my anima so I went for a female therapist but perhaps I made a mistake?

 

[Raze]

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/psychologically-minded/201604/how-choose-therapist

[hyruga]

Why do you even need therapy? How much does each session costs if you don't mind telling?

Edited December 29, 2021 by hyruga

[StarStruck]

3 hours ago, hyruga said:

Why do you even need therapy? How much does each session costs if you don't mind telling?

My insurance covers it. 

I think the core of why I'm going to therapy is to self actualize. There are obstacles I explained that is withholding me doing that. 

Especially bad childhood, OCD and dissociation are big topics in my therapy. 

Edited December 29, 2021 by StarStruck

[itachi uchiha]

U do not need therapist.

Practice kriya yoga ,read leos books on emotional mastery and apply it.kriya yoga reduces 80% of the  activity of mind.as a result u get mental peace for 8 hours 

I was eating pills for 5 years and it was good for nothing.now i stopped it

[flowboy]

What to look for in a therapist

• Someone who "gets" you
• Someone who has evolved the attributes that you want to evolve too (is further along a certain path that you want to walk)
• Someone who meets you where you are and can clearly help you, this should be obvious from the start
• Someone who you have things in common with. The more similar you are, the better the transmission works
• Someone who is passionate about helping people, and you can feel this passion from talking to them

Don't fall into the trap of thinking that anybody with a training in psychotherapy will therefore be able to help you. The properties listed above are far more significant. Education and understanding of the psyche is necessary, but not sufficient.

If you meet a dead-eyed note taker who just lets you talk about your life and charges 200 bucks a session for just listening and hiding their boredom, move the hell on. I've dealt with enough of those, too.

If the therapist is not willing to answer personal questions, so there is no way to even find out if you have things in common with them, because they're hiding behind a veil of professional distance, move the hell on. Chances are they haven't done the work on themselves, and think their job is to just robotically apply models and protocols to you. You'll be talking and they'll be scribbling on their notepad every week for years, whilst getting minimal progress. If their heart is not in it, they won't have the ability to help you powerfully.

It's been scientifically proven that therapy has dramatically better results if the client is in awe of the therapist.

So as much as people want to deny it and reduce it to a cold hard science of protocols and models, the juice is in the personal relationship.

It's not an equal relationship, it's a more like a student-teacher relationship. They won't answer every question for you, because it's often more powerful when you have the realisation for yourself. You'll end up talking about yourself a lot more, and they will be mostly holding the space and guiding you. But they must be able to share some things out of their personal life, and relate them back to you, in moments where that can help you feel seen and less alienated, and give a sense of hope that this is all possible to overcome.

Edited December 29, 2021 by flowboy

[StarStruck]

@flowboy Thanks, what I found out is that I need somebody from my own age. Older people don't understand my struggles. They grew up in a different age. I'm still thankful for my current therapist. I was sad I couldn't visit her anymore but perhaps it was for the better.

4 hours ago, itachi uchiha said:

U do not need therapist.

Practice kriya yoga ,read leos books on emotional mastery and apply it.kriya yoga reduces 80% of the  activity of mind.as a result u get mental peace for 8 hours 

I was eating pills for 5 years and it was good for nothing.now i stopped it

I still have to read those books.  My current book list is too long.

[Nahm]

16 hours ago, StarStruck said:

So soon I will be forced to change my therapist. She will be making a career switch. I was with her for little over a year. She helped me with becoming more social, getting productive, getting centred as a person and trauma processing.

When looking back at my therapy with her I came to the conclusion that she really didn't help me. I helped myself. I read the books, did the work, did the journaling and meditation. She was only there to give me mental and emotional support which I don't take for granted. It was definitely something I didn't have and something that I needed.

She has her credentials: bachelor, master and PHD. And I was shocked how uneducated she was. She didn't knew anything about Freud or Jung. Why? Because her teachers never asked her to study the topics. Why did she even study psychology for almost a decade? All she does is ask me how I feel about things. I never caught her giving me ground breaking advice or any advice really. And when I explicitly asked her advice I could observe that she was getting irritated which is typical for woman since they like to talk about problems but not solve them.

I'm so confused what to look for in a therapist. I need somebody who can help me weed about my social quirks like codependency, coach me with productivity, and self-confidence. People on this forum told me I needed to develop more of my anima so I went for a female therapist but perhaps I made a mistake?

You’re missing that your expression in response to her asking about how you feel is what is groundbreaking for you experientially. Expressing has brought up a deeper belief, about woman, and the belief in “problems”, which resolves in feeling, or, understanding the emotions ‘behind’ the continued holding of the beliefs. This is being projected onto her, and really onto woman in general. Notice the conflict in perspectives, you could solve your problems too, and you can definitely let go of the perspective there are problems too. Problems & solutions are thoughts. Thought does not resolve thought such that the result is feeling better. That is rumination. Emotional expression does. I’d look for a therapist who can help you see the conflicting perspectives more clearly, and who can help you to express more deeply & understand the emotions. (Not go round & round with you in thought(s)).

[tsuki]

@StarStruck The premise of therapy is that you are discovering yourself, and the role of the therapist is to facilitate this discovery. A therapist is not supposed to tell you what to do, or give you insight into the mechanics of psychology. She is supposed to facilitate your self-discovery by being open, receptive and supportive. It is a person that is well-versed in her own self-discovery and is willing to sit by while you do this yourself, and learn alongside you. The benefit comes from the difference in experience. Good psychotherapist can interpret your whole-body reactions while you share yourself, and spot lies, inconsistencies, wounds, and other things that are not apparent to you. Some of them are hidden from you because you are conditioned to avoid them, or because you don't have the language to name them, or awareness to notice them. She does this to listening to her own feelings in reaction to what you are saying.

Psychotherapist is not supposed to talk about psychoanalytical knowledge with you, discuss Freud, Jung, or philosophy. This is a distraction and a defense mechanism. If this is what you are doing in therapy, then you are avoiding doing the real work.

[Roy]

17 hours ago, StarStruck said:

so I went for a female therapist but perhaps I made a mistake?

This might be taken the wrong way, but I think it makes most sense to stick with someone of your own gender. At least in my experience. Men and woman seem to have a different psychology that fundamentally makes it a little more difficult to "cross the aisle" lets say when communicating, especially deeper vulnerable issues. Men will be able to relate to another mans struggles better then (most) women can, and vice versa. This isn't to say you can't find someone of the opposite gender that is a good match. It's just about relatability.

Which in my opinion is the #1 thing when finding a therapist, coach, etc. Find someone you resonate with and is relatable to your experiences and worldview to a degree, then you'll be more accepting for when they challenge you and breakdown any bullshit or obstacles about yourself that you are blind to.

[StarStruck]

10 minutes ago, Roy said:

This might be taken the wrong way, but I think it makes most sense to stick with someone of your own gender. At least in my experience. Men and woman seem to have a different psychology that fundamentally makes it a little more difficult to "cross the aisle" lets say when communicating, especially deeper vulnerable issues. Men will be able to relate to another mans struggles better then (most) women can, and vice versa. This isn't to say you can't find someone of the opposite gender that is a good match. It's just about relatability.

Which in my opinion is the #1 thing when finding a therapist, coach, etc. Find someone you resonate with and is relatable to your experiences and worldview to a degree, then you'll be more accepting for when they challenge you and breakdown any bullshit or obstacles about yourself that you are blind to.

What about a gay person? I'm not gay but I called a therapy office and I had a good connection with the therapist who is probably gay (I could hear it from his voice).

15 minutes ago, tsuki said:

@StarStruck The premise of therapy is that you are discovering yourself, and the role of the therapist is to facilitate this discovery. A therapist is not supposed to tell you what to do, or give you insight into the mechanics of psychology. She is supposed to facilitate your self-discovery by being open, receptive and supportive. It is a person that is well-versed in her own self-discovery and is willing to sit by while you do this yourself, and learn alongside you. The benefit comes from the difference in experience. Good psychotherapist can interpret your whole-body reactions while you share yourself, and spot lies, inconsistencies, wounds, and other things that are not apparent to you. Some of them are hidden from you because you are conditioned to avoid them, or because you don't have the language to name them, or awareness to notice them. She does this to listening to her own feelings in reaction to what you are saying.

Psychotherapist is not supposed to talk about psychoanalytical knowledge with you, discuss Freud, Jung, or philosophy. This is a distraction and a defense mechanism. If this is what you are doing in therapy, then you are avoiding doing the real work.

Sometimes I do this. I felt like I didn't make any progress so I started reading depth psychology myself. Unfortunately she doesn't have knowledge of this topic. I made major progress with the help of Jung's archetypes. I believe if I didn't do this self-study I wouldn't have the progress that I have right now.

Jung's archetypes are a great template for self-development and energizing oneself.

38 minutes ago, Nahm said:

You’re missing that your expression in response to her asking about how you feel is what is groundbreaking for you experientially. Expressing has brought up a deeper belief, about woman, and the belief in “problems”, which resolves in feeling, or, understanding the emotions ‘behind’ the continued holding of the beliefs. This is being projected onto her, and really onto woman in general. Notice the conflict in perspectives, you could solve your problems too, and you can definitely let go of the perspective there are problems too. Problems & solutions are thoughts. Thought does not resolve thought such that the result is feeling better. That is rumination. Emotional expression does. I’d look for a therapist who can help you see the conflicting perspectives more clearly, and who can help you to express more deeply & understand the emotions. (Not go round & round with you in thought(s)).

To be honest she did help me do that, but the real problem is my intellectualization of my problems. She didn't know how to deal with my intellectualization I guess which is her problem. She is getting paid, not me.

[Nahm]

@StarStruck

“My intellectualization” is one thought.  One thought, repeatedly believed, a belief. 

It is like armor, or a protective mask which seems to hide judgment of this that he she it me etc. 

But it doesn’t. The discord of judgement is felt every time the thought(s) is focused upon.

Your discord isn’t someone else’s problem. This is not possible because ‘problem’ is no more than one thought you as awareness experiences. 

Intellectual, judgement, and problem, are beliefs. 

The root belief so to speak, is value. Entwined with the belief, ‘identity’. 

The last person in the whole world one should manipulate imo, is their therapist. Kudo’s for seeing one though. Many don’t get that far so to speak, in letting go. 

 

 

There is nothing wrong with you. 

Therein, there is nothing which stands to be beneficial from ‘someone understanding you’. It amounts to “agree with what is discordant for me”, which equals not letting it (whatever is discordant) go. Source already and has always understood you. That is all which could ever truly be said to be needed. 

Already. 

Two cents… next therapist you see, don’t walk out with that belief. Committ to not leaving there without having emptied entirely of that discord. 

[Roy]

5 minutes ago, StarStruck said:

What about a gay person? I'm not gay but I called a therapy office and I had a good connection with the therapist who is probably gay (I could hear it from his voice).

It probably changes things slightly, but a gay man is still a man so their experience is still in a similar frame to yours. And really their sexual orientation probably won't be relevant anyways, don't imagine why it would be.

[tsuki]

1 minute ago, StarStruck said:

Sometimes I do this. I felt like I didn't make any progress so I started reading depth psychology myself. Unfortunately she doesn't have knowledge of this topic. I made major progress with the help of Jung's archetypes. I believe if I didn't do this self-study I wouldn't have the progress that I have right now.

@StarStruck What is the significance of this statement? Did it 'solve' your problems with 'social quirks like codependency', 'productivity', and 'self-confidence'?

[tsuki]

28 minutes ago, StarStruck said:

To be honest she did help me do that, but the real problem is my intellectualization of my problems. She didn't know how to deal with my intellectualization I guess which is her problem. She is getting paid, not me.

What you are saying is basically that she should sleeze her way past your defence mechanisms, against your will? This is not how progress is made in therapy. 

How can you build trust with someone that is scared? By forcing him open? "Getting past his defence mechanisms"?

Nothing in therapy will happen against your will.

Edited December 29, 2021 by tsuki

[StarStruck]

@Nahm

I always try to make people try to understand me because I was never understood by my parents. Therapy is so confusing for me and after what you said it became even more confusing.

1 hour ago, tsuki said:

@StarStruck What is the significance of this statement? Did it 'solve' your problems with 'social quirks like codependency', 'productivity', and 'self-confidence'?

Depth psychology and the archetypes in particular gave me a road map and access to source energy so I feel like it helped me. I feel like a different person but problems don't disappear over night. Perhaps it needs time. I still have some OCD, laziness and such. 

 

53 minutes ago, tsuki said:

What you are saying is basically that she should sleeze her way past your defence mechanisms, against your will? This is not how progress is made in therapy. 

How can you build trust with someone that is scared? By forcing him open? "Getting past his defence mechanisms"?

Nothing in therapy will happen against your will.

True. I meant this: she never addressed my intellectualization. One or two times she told me that she didn't know how to help me but that was a long time ago (like 8 months ago)  but since then she told me we started looking eye to eye. 

[tsuki]

@StarStruck Mmaybe she isn't aware of your intellectualization? Have you tried talking with her about it?

[StarStruck]

@tsuki hm. I told her multiple times. 

[tsuki]

@StarStruck Sorry to hear that. Maybe she isn't right for you if you can't communicate well enough.

[Nahm]

1 hour ago, StarStruck said:

I always try to make people try to understand me because I was never understood by my parents. Therapy is so confusing for me and after what you said it became even more confusing.

Therapy isn’t confusing. It’s for expression. Therapy is experienced as confusing, like any other relationship, by trying to make people do anything. Doubly confusing, if the trying to make people do anything is really, so you can feel better. Doubly, as in, expressing in therapy is the very means to feeling better. Therapy isn’t about the therapist understanding you, it’s more about you understanding yourself, so to speak. 

There has never been and never will be one understood by their parents. It’s impossible.