Emotions part 2

[Preety_India]

Update 1 December 28

So the guests are here. I sat and had lunch with them. Although I wasn't keeping well. I had temperature 

But I managed somehow and now I'm feeling much better. My temperature came down. And my sneezing has been significantly under control. 

I'm still having some headache. 

[Preety_India]

 

Update 2 December 28

 

But I managed somehow and now I'm feeling much better. My temperature came down. And my sneezing has been significantly under control. 

I'm still having some headache. 

Now feeling better. Yet I'm still experiencing flu like symptoms. 

 

[Preety_India]

@Marcel accepts happily. 

 

[Preety_India]

 

Update 3 December 28

 

I'm feeling much better now. The anxiety has cleared up. Surprising. The anxiety was pretty strong earlier and I was feeling very uncomfortable as though I was going to have a panic Attack. 

And now I feel so much better. 

 

I don't feel as anxious. The guests have left. It's 4.25 pm. 

I want to work on my depression and the void of feeling unaccepted. 

Also I have renewed my spiritual values 

 

It's compassion 

Wisdom 

Judgement 

Maturity. 

Embracing Reality 

 

 

Update 4 December 28

A damask rose and a floribunda rose. 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited December 28, 2021 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

Oki so I had a really bad dream last night 

 

The dream was something like this. 

There's a murder mystery that involves a father and son. The father is found dead at the shore of a popular beach. Where quite rich people hang out at. This guy had beautiful women who adored him.. Yet none of these girlfriends tried to rescue him or call for help when he was drowning. It's not very clear in the dream whether it was a drowning or a homicide. And the son then commits suicide many many years later out of regret and guilt. The son feels bad that he couldn't be there for his dad or couldn't rescue him. The son hangs himself. 

The case remains cold for many years and the cause of death is drowning yet its not clear if he was murdered. 

One of the girlfriends confesses that she knew he was drowning and yet she did not care to get help. 

So many aspects of this story mirrored some aspects of my life. 

Like the complex relationship I shared with my own dad, his sweet caring nature, my recklessness as a young kid when he was alive, his death, my inability to grasp and process his death and years of PTSD and survivor's guilt haunting me, feeling regret of not having spent enough time with my dad while he was still living, feeling the burden of being unable to save him and the consequent emotions of suicide and wanting to give up. 

The dream was kinda prophetic. 

I mostly likely will never actually kill myself because my dad would have wanted me to live. 

Yet the guilt of feeling helpless when he died still bothers me a lot and contributes to my suicidal feelings. 

 

 

[Preety_India]

My Throat is hurting right now. I'm constantly coughing and throwing up.. 

I feel uneasy. 

My flu hasn't gone away. It had temporarily subsided. 

The lavender smell heals my throat for a few minutes. 

 

[Preety_India]

I have medical anxiety. This has mostly to do with my dad. Seeing him go to the hospital frequently (he was terminally ill and a heart and kidney patient), and I was barely 12 years old when he got a massive stroke that left him paralyzed to the half of his body, so it was very cruel for me to watch. 

I don't even like writing about it but just to give a background on my medical anxiety. So I used to accompany him to the hospital in my teen years for dialysis until his death from cardiac arrest. So seeing the hospital at least 3 times a week for years gave me some sort of phobia or anxiety around hospitals. 

That's why even if I had the flu a couple of days ago, I still did not go to the hospital. 

It's tough for me. Because it sabotages my medical needs. 

I think I got the flu at the wrong time because this can severely worsen my health 

 

But anyway I still don't wish to be so anxious around my health. I want to have hope that things will be next year, I mean 2022. 

Lets see maybe i won't be punished cruelly for my self destructive mistakes. 

I'm looking forward to good things. 

[Preety_India]

I have realized that in recent times that is since past 20 days I have been far more vocal about my needs, wants and issues than ever before. My articulation in terms of sentence construction has improved significantly. 

I'm opening up more and more. Positive baby steps. 

This was next to impossible for me. I mean this particular journaling style of documenting my emotion every hour, I never did this before and this style evolved naturally. Writing emotional updates. 

Hopefully this technique that I luckily got stuck into will help fast track the healing of my PTSD symptoms. 

PTSD symptoms are hard to beat because the feelings resurface constantly. Every little thing around you reminds you of the traumatic incident that happened in the past. Raw emotions constantly get triggered even when you want to be calm. So these symptoms are hard to keep in control. 

The therapist that I met in February 2021,that is this year, who diagnosed me as suffering from chronic PTSD told me that i need to vent out inner trauma as much as possible. 

It's like vomiting. You keep vomiting as much as possible till all of it is out of the system. Then you feel the same way once again the next day. You start vomiting again. This process will continue to take place till the trauma tends to diminish and much of it has left the body. Once you have vomited completely, it will come back less and less. Slowly the brain will heal and forget it and then move on 

Consider this as a brain injury that is constantly oozing out pus. You have to remove all the infected pus and fluid until you reach a stage where no more pus is produced and the place begins to heal finally. 

CPTSD that is chronic PTSD and PTSD in general mimics the behavior of physical injuries and wounds. The only difference is that these are mental wounds. 

 

[Preety_India]

 

Update 1 December 30

6 pm. Thursday. 

My throat is a mess. My voice is hoarse and squeaky. I have barely been able to breathe. 

The flu ruined my journaling consistency. I was on a good track before this flu. 

I need to pick up speed again. 

I want to feel the energy. 

I have been watering my plants consistently everyday. This week wasn't easy at all. Preparing and arranging for the guests consumed a lot of my time. 

But the one mega change in my life this whole month was setting up that garden. It was like an elixir. I feel much better sitting next to the plants. I feel like they talk to me. I can sense their happy energy. 

The next mega change in my life was changing my profile picture. I was feeling very insecure about my face. I wasn't ready to face the camera in my videos 

On Christmas night, I simply decided to give a try on a whim and I recorded myself live on camera. That gave a huge boost to my confidence. I felt a sense of release of built up pressure coming from anxiety and insecurity. 

This was a huge challenge for me because of my social anxiety. Showing myself on camera was next to impossible given shy, reserved, anxious I can feel around people. I can literally tremble and want to run away. That's why I recorded a very short 2 minute video. That's a baby step. 

I can hardly ever have the balls to speak for 20 minutes or an hour, that would feel like too much pressure. It can make my anxiety worse. So I have to do everything gradually in baby steps. In psychology circles it's called systematic desensitization. It can't be forced or done quickly. 

I have to take it slow. 

 

I failed many times on my YouTube project. I would record a video and then take it down later because I could not maintain consistency due to my anxiety. I would take 5 steps forward and then 2 steps backward so the net progress is only 3 steps. This has been the recurring pattern in my life. 

It takes a lot of time and patience for me to be consistent. And whenever I'm consistently consistent my mother starts acting like a bitch and brings me down with her petty demands and I end up losing all progress 

Marcel ( @Marcel) is helping me repair my relationship with my mother. Big time. He has been a big gift in my life. He is helping me a lot. I never wanted to talk to my mother but he talks to her and that calms her down. She has been treating me with some kindness ever since I have Marcel. She is very happy with Marcel. So this is a great sign for me.

Marcel has been quite gentle with my mother given her high action behavior.

Also my mother never liked any of my past boyfriends. She seems to be very happy that I found Marcel. She wasn't happy at all with any of my past boyfriends and that would cause too many clashes between us over those useless boyfriends. I mean they weren't good anyway. Just assholes that I was dating out of low self esteem and neediness.

This time I upgraded my self esteem and I found a wonderful amazing kind boyfriend who treats my mother with gentleness.. All of my past boyfriends did not respect my mother. I mean I can't really blame them because she was a bit testy with them. She can get a bit bossy around my boyfriends kinda putting them off. But they were assholes anyway, so no big loss.

Now Marcel is helping me repair my broken bruised battered relationship with my mother finally.

My mother is anyways not going to live too long given her medical conditions. It's best that I repair my relationship with her before she leaves me in permanent guilt. (somehow I'm the only person who is supposed to take care of everything, right?).... So it seems I should be the bigger person meanwhile my mother should continue to act like a kid. Joseph used to act like a manchild. Seems like in every situation I had to be the person to eventually take the higher road, and show some maturity. 

Anyway I'm just glad that she isn't creating a fuss with Marcel. I'm glad she likes him and has accepted him. Peace of mind my God. 

 

[Preety_India]

@Marcel I'm so grateful to you for being so supportive throughout my ordeal. 

I had planned to kill my self back in late August. 

But you descended like an angel and saved me. 

You saved me from my dying. You saved me from killing myself. 

You saved me from self destructive behavior. 

Because of you, I can finally feel accepted and I can be myself again. I feel happy again. I want to be hopeful again. 

Before meeting you my life was a barren land. After you came into my life, a small plant is beginning to grow out of concrete. 

You gave me a new life and new hope. 

You're truly a savior. I love you. I couldn't make it through without you. 

 

 

[Preety_India]

 

Update 2 December 30

 

So I've been feeling dog tired. And I'm still thinking on what I can do. 

This flu has ruined my mood. I feel dull and bored. My head feels stuffed. 

My nose is runny still. 

I feel like I did a lot of work in the past few days non stop without much of a break. 

I cleaned the whole house which is a huge apartment and it took me 4 days to clean it. That made me so tired. I still have places to clean in my apartment. Some rooms that I kept locked because my back was breaking from all the cleaning work 

 

Update 3 December 30

My mind feels blank probably because my head feels so stuffed. I didn't have a headache. 

I feel sleepy and groggy and my nose is still kinda stuffed. 

 

 

 

.

 

Edited December 30, 2021 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

 

Update  December 30

 

 

I think this flu is going to last a really long time. 

It won't be healing quickly. 

Or so it seems. 

I have barely slept last night. 

I filled up bottles of water and kept them stocked to drink later. 

Somehow I don't feel like eating or drinking anything. 

And I still feeling like tasting something spicy. 

I don't know if this is a thing. 

 

 

Update December 30

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited December 30, 2021 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

 

Update  December 30

 

I kinda laughed at this. 

I came across this funny meme and it makes sense if you wanna be smart in a different dimension. 

It puts everything into a completely different perspective. 

 

 

[Preety_India]

 

Update December 30

 

 I drank a bit of guava juice. 

 

[Preety_India]

 

Update December 30 

Cases of Covid seem to be on the rise in my area. 

But I wanted to go out. 

Also, it's a bit cold out there all the time. 

 

[Preety_India]

I just puked again. My stomach hurts really bad. This flu has wrecked me. 

It was really bad in the beginning. Then I felt slightly better for 2 days. Now it got worse again. 

I coughed up an awful amount of mucus and whenever I cough up I feel better. 

My chest is feeling heavy. My heart rate is acting funny and erratic. 

I feel like my lungs are constantly getting filled up with mucus and then I start to cough it up. 

My mom's flu has significantly subsided. She is doing good. She even went out for an evening walk. She has been fairly active and coping well. 

Me on the other hand, I have turned into a nervous wreck and feeling spasms all over my body. My body is feeling weak and my muscles are sore. 

My back hurts terribly. I slept on a hard surface last night because I couldn't find my pillow. So morning when I woke up my back hurt really bad. 

What a pain in the ass. 

My feet are really sore right now. 

My ears are itchy. Usually whenever I get a flu, my nose and ears and throat get terribly itchy and my sinuses get inflamed. 

I have been puking nearly all day. The cough is causing the sensation to vomit. 

 

 

 

[Preety_India]

Documenting my health struggle gives partially some peace of mind to me. 

Venting about my struggles significantly makes me feel better and relieves built up tension/stress 

. 

I also get to keep a track on my symptoms. So I know if they're getting worse or better. 

 

 

[Preety_India]

I threw up again. 

Woke up in the middle of the night feeling dead. Struggling to feel OK.. 

All the accumulated cough it blocks the airways. 

I have been feeling so ill. 

My temperature kept fluctuating. 

 

[Nahm]

Just stopping by to share two things, lots of love, and that helpless & anxiety are conceptual. Not emotions. For the win, understand what you are feeling, vs believing the conceptualizations you’ve been believing.

 

Ok three things, believing the conceptualizations vs understanding what you’re feeling can most often support a hypochondriac like mindset of one way or another “something’s wrong with me” which “needs to be fixed”. This mindset (imo from what I’ve seen - not specific to you) results in dis ease, and therein, getting sick / illnesses a lot. I love you please don’t throw anything at me. ? We are in a time when our immune systems and well being are paramount, that’s where I’m coming from and hope that’s how it’s received. 

[Preety_India]

@Nahm kinda agree