Looking for some support on this

[4cryingoutloud58]

I’m not sure if anyone has experienced anything similar like this. I feel like I kind of been through hell for this...  anyway I’m over it now I think, but it was really hard...... maybe I can get some support on this here?...

 

basically, the problem is, I was born and grew up in China. And I lived in US for a year during middle school, with my parents who worked in a university there. I was kind of normal and on the quiet side when I was in China, but soon after I was in US for a while, I just became a different person. Like another side of me showed up I just totally became like a total American girl and it’s like talking in English just feel more suitable for me than in Chinese. I was 12 going on 13 years old.

 

and then, my parents had to go back to China after a year, so I had to go back. Then I started high school. Basically I was not happy, the very restrictive style of schooling and everything etc. but I was only 13 so I just had to stay in China where my parents were.

 

the high school was fine, was still fun for me in China. But when university started, I became adult and I was not naive anymore and I noticed like there were hatred from people often. I don’t blame people like, it happens everywhere, part of human nature I guess... 

 

years later, after university, I finally managed to immigrate to a western country. Now I feel like I can be myself and it’s so great. But I’m still far away from the Chinese community here...

 

I feel like I really identify with the ‘Barbie’ type of girl, like the fashion style that I like... I just feel more like myself when I dress in like ‘Barbie’ style, imagine compare that with Chinese style. I don’t blame that the other side don’t like me.. and the funny thing is, I also identify with the brown/black culture as well. When I’m with the people in brown/black community, I feel more like myself as well. But I also had the typical problem that lots of people in brown/black community have as well, maybe make another post about that... 

 

but in my experience, I had to go through times when I had to live in an environment that I can’t be myself, I was literally fish out of water, and hatred around, and I kind of had to live in isolation...... it was hell and I hope people here can understand how that was like?

 

 I still don’t know why I was like that.... maybe past life I was not Asian..... that’s the only explanation I can think of.... 

 

I still have the Asian side as well, I have good relationship with my parents. But the western side is way too dominant... and I wasn’t even grew up in any western country... 

 

actually it’s not like everyone on the other side are the same, there are some nice ones that are in a different level of consciousness, and they recognize that it’s not right to ‘hate’ anyone who is different or you think have more than you do. It’s not about if people are the same or not, it’s just not right to compare and just to ‘hate’ someone if they have more in some aspect.... 

 

if someone was born in a rich family, they didn’t work for it, but it’s not their fault that they don’t need to worry about money, it’s not right to hate them for it... it’s kind of not fair but the people who do ‘hate’ think it’s not fair too.....

 

anyway, it’s just nice to know that there are people who don’t ‘hate’ even if they have less but they just think everyone should be nice to each other no matter what... but those are not the majority..... it’s nice to know there are those people out there...

Edited December 28, 2021 by 4cryingoutloud58

[happyhappy]

@4cryingoutloud58

HEY! I think I can relate to being the odd one ! 

but I guess IMHO, you were going through an identity/paradigm shift as u got exposed to the western culture.  since you were young, u got exposed to an entirely new way of life! another world, so to speak.

7 hours ago, 4cryingoutloud58 said:

 

 

and then, my parents had to go back to Chia after a year, so I had to go back. Then I started high school. Basically I was not happy, the very restrictive style of schooling and everything etc. but I was only 13 so I just had to stay in China where my parents were.

 

the high school was fine, was still fun for me in China. But when university started, I became adult and I was not naive anymore and I noticed like there were hatred from people often. I don’t blame people like, it happens everywhere, part of human nature I guess... 

but in my experience, I had to go through times when I had to live in an environment that I can’t be myself, I was literally fish out of water, and hatred around, and I kind of had to live in isolation...... it was hell and I hope people here can understand how that was like?

 

many of the peers and friends might not have that exposure u have and thus, only view reality through their own cultural lens. then if u do something which contradicts their worldview, it is natural for you to get hatred from them. 

I am just projecting here okay...soo just ignore  it all if it makes no sense to you!  

[Leo Gura]

I always identified more with American culture than Russian culture.

Don't let your "home" culture gaslight you. Follow what you like. Culture is all just a construction anyway. You shouldn't take culture seriously. It's a joke invented by chimps.

[At awe]

@4cryingoutloud58

I can totally relate. I’m currently 42, lived first 21 years in backwards Eastern- European country , 6 years in US, the rest in Sweden. Total cultural mindfuck with every move,  specially the first one. 

My advice is, use all info, you have gathered to compare, analyze etc to understand what Leo said in post above ☝️ You can definitely use this in personal development. This direct experience is big plus.