Self harming habit

[Irina Wolf]

Hey all, Please don't be shocked. This topic isn't about fatal self harm.  However I have a self harming habit I have found no cure for yet. But first I want to make clear that I am not suicidal or depressed. 

 

This is actually extremely difficult for me to admit but when I was 8 I developed a habit biting my lips and tongue until they bleed. And I still do so now I'm 26. It's extremely frustrating and I can't stop. I've already had 14 years of therapy and although psychotherapy has helped me greatly it just isn't the answer for this bad habit. 

My tongue is severely scarred. My jaw and neck muscles are extremely tight. 

I tried chewing gum but I notice I'll even bite despite of it. 

I just watched Leo's video he did 5 years ago on how to drop any unwanted behaviour. He says awareness is curative but of course there is a catch: 'You'll have to be aware of it all the time to stop doing whatever the unwanted behaviour is. 'the problem is: I start biting when I'm unaware of it. Even when I'm pursuing my passion in art and drawing.

I believe this constant tension on my body has created the inflammation I have now in my tongue tonsils for which I'll need to get surgery soon.  I didn't even know tongue tonsils existed.   But a little surgery won't stop me from biting. That's the real thing I want to get rid off.

I hope you don't think I'm just asking for attention. I'm genuinely asking and desperate for help on this matter as I have never been able to find anything about this on the internet so far that has been helpful. 

Much thanks for your time

 

Irina

[Eph75]

@Irina Wolf

Creating intention to stop a behavior is as you say through becoming aware of that behavior, and being intent on catching youself earlier in that process, until such a point that you have the Chan e to intercept it before you've acted on whatever impulse that causes you to do this. 

That awareness isn't limited to being aware of doing it, it is raising the awareness around the whole process, why you do it in the first place, what kind of patterns there are around theti es when you do this, and being able to pickup in those signals as a "premonition" and maybe work on the "why" and not just the "act". 

Having the intention to "catch yourself ealier" doesn't produce results overnight. It's a lengthy process and it's a matter of starting it and staying with it. 

Inevitably you will become aware of the need before you act it out. To stop the urge though is yet another challenge. 

[hyruga]

You need to create a new neuro connection. Everytime you bite your lips or tongue until bleed, you have to kill an ant. You have to keep killing until you realise how cruel you are towards ants. The end.

Edited December 27, 2021 by hyruga

[Loba]

@hyruga How is she supposed to have all these ants at her disposal?  In an ant jar?  Just carry around a bunch of ants?  And then squish them?  What if she gets tiny ant killing karma then?

 I wonder if a rubber band snapped on the wrist each time would work?

[hyruga]

15 minutes ago, Loba said:

@hyruga How is she supposed to have all these ants at her disposal?  In an ant jar?  Just carry around a bunch of ants?  And then squish them?  What if she gets tiny ant killing karma then?

Well, best is she has to work for it and find the ants.

The intention is to get tiny ant killing karma. 

[itachi uchiha]

@Irina Wolf consult a professional about this

I think this is like substance abuse where only a professional help will cure it.

 

[Irina Wolf]

6 hours ago, hyruga said:

You need to create a new neuro connection. Everytime you bite your lips or tongue until bleed, you have to kill an ant. You have to keep killing until you realise how cruel you are towards ants. The end.

Thanks for the time to read and reply but to be honest this is not useful advice. Today I would have killed about 2 if not 3 entire antfarms with the amount I bite. Also to see how cruel I am would lead me to bite more because the biting initially already started because I felt bad about myself. Adding more guilt would only make me bite more.

Edited December 27, 2021 by Irina Wolf

[Vynce]

Hey Irina, i struggle with the same thing. Since about 6 years I bite my tongue on the edges constantly. It's so strange to describe someone the quick satisfaction of ripping little bits of flesh from the tongue. It doesn't hurt either, which means I don't notice it at all. Just occasionally when I see the big white scars on the edges in the mirror. Then all my efforts to stay conscious about not biting my tongue get flushed away in unconsciousness. Gum chewing seems to make it worse, since my jaws get used to the work and want to grind something after chewing. My tongue most of the times. 

I will follow this thread in high hopes of genuine advice. Especially because I dissolved most bad habits quite easily. This one stayed untouched till now.

[Irina Wolf]

3 hours ago, itachi uchiha said:

@Irina Wolf consult a professional about this

I think this is like substance abuse where only a professional help will cure it.

 

I've done 14 years of professional help. I even went to an addiction clinic but even they said I best find my own way because I didn't belong there.

[Irina Wolf]

6 hours ago, Eph75 said:

@Irina Wolf

Creating intention to stop a behavior is as you say through becoming aware of that behavior, and being intent on catching youself earlier in that process, until such a point that you have the Chan e to intercept it before you've acted on whatever impulse that causes you to do this. 

That awareness isn't limited to being aware of doing it, it is raising the awareness around the whole process, why you do it in the first place, what kind of patterns there are around theti es when you do this, and being able to pickup in those signals as a "premonition" and maybe work on the "why" and not just the "act". 

Having the intention to "catch yourself ealier" doesn't produce results overnight. It's a lengthy process and it's a matter of starting it and staying with it. 

Inevitably you will become aware of the need before you act it out. To stop the urge though is yet another challenge. 

See that's what I mean. I've had professional help for YEARS on end but this has never improved and tbf only worsened when the pandemic came around. With my therapist I established that it arised when I was 8 out of anxiety, a feeling of utter powerlessness and anger I could only direct on myself.  Ironically my feeling powerless to stop this (because so far I've had no succes) is yet another feeling of powerlessness that makes the biting continue or even worse.  

The biting however also happens when I don't expierence powerlessness, anxiety or anger. It's just become a habit I'm now sick of.  I'm just hoping there's anyone on this forum with experience on self harm & successfully overcoming it. I guess it's a forbidden topic because I have yet to find any useful information online or in books. 

 

[hyruga]

Well, that's the point. You have to kill as many ants as possible till you stop biting then.

[Leo Gura]

@Irina Wolf Sounds like you need to work on developing relaxation skills and letting go skills. See my video: Body Awareness

Sedona Method could help you.

Body relaxation practices could help you.

Meditation could help you.

Psychedelics could help you.

[kieranperez]

@Irina Wolf what kind of therapy have you done? 

I’ve had a lot of experience with helping old exes with their self harm issues. 

Edited December 28, 2021 by kieranperez

[itachi uchiha]

@Irina Wolf @Irina Wolf @Irina Wolf 

 

7 hours ago, Irina Wolf said:

I've done 14 years of professional help. I even went to an addiction clinic but even they said I best find my own way because I didn't belong there.

Then from my idea

 Read and apply the books

Sedona method by hale dwoskin

Tiny habits by bj fogg

 

Practice kriya yoga.a 15 min kriya yoga can give u peace and happiness for 8 hours.and a 2 15 min session can give u happiness for a day

[mandyjw]

The more I think something is a problem the more it becomes one. The only way to push against or avoid something is to think it. This is not something that will be solved through doing, as doing is the thought that I am doing something about a problem which creates a whole lot of thinking about the problem. Leo's suggestions above are great but they are not actually a doing. If you do them not with a curious, open mind but because you NEED to get some result, it will not work. 

It's interesting that you say it must be a forbidden topic and you start by asking us not to be shocked. It's almost as if you're so unwilling to feel shame you're rebelling against it. You're beating it to the punch. That won't work. There's actually nothing uniquely wrong about you whatsoever. You realize that most people actually self harm by thinking self deprecating thoughts and believing them all day? Excess tongue and lip biting compared with that, sounds much more sane in my opinion. Sounds like terrible advice but what if you fully accept that you do this? The thought that "I am wrong or messed up" is not the direct feeling of shame. In meditation, in surrender to what is, what we thought was the case dissolves. 

Sometimes we avoid feeling a bad feeling with another bad feeling but one that we choose and resist less, so we feel some control. But the underlying root feeling remains. It's possible there are shameful, self deprecating thoughts that meditation would help you see are not about you, and not true, The tongue biting is beating it to the punch so to speak. It connects you with sensation, which soothes. However it's still against yourself as you know. Meditation of whatever sort you choose is fulfilling the need to connect with sensation and feeling in a healthy way and seeing through the idea that you could possibly think against yourself. 

Also something you might want to look into if you haven't is myofascial release massage. There's also an acupuncture pressure point on the outside of your hand, pretty sure it's called the Zhong Zu point, that release neck tension, as well as others.  https://www.precisionpaincarerehab.com/blog/use-acupressure-to-relieve-neck-pain-19308.html

Edited December 28, 2021 by mandyjw

[itachi uchiha]

@Irina Wolf apply ideas from the following

 

https://youtu.be/G5ZYV-IMIUU

 

 

 

 

I implemented the ideas from following videos and it was one of the reason that helped me to break my smoking habit

 

 

[Flowerfaeiry]

@Irina Wolf Wowwww this resonated so deeply with me. I used to tear the skin off my heels and fingers as well as bite my lips raw. I feel for you and am sorry you're going through this <3

One of the things that helped me was having a loving romantic partnership with someone who really cared about me. It wasn't the perfect relationship but it was very healing and I noticed that is when my picking began to reduce in severity. 

Couple other ideas...  do you have a passion in life? Friends and family who love and accept you? Are you being kind to yourself about this? Try not to beat yourself up. You can't shame yourself into healing. 

[mememe]

@Irina Wolf you could ask a dentist for a grinding protection - when you have it try mindful awareness, you will probably notice the moment when you start to bite even with the teeth protection, maybe the change in experience will help. you could also try accupuncture for the yaw muscle tissue. maybe yaw massages you apply yourself for relaxation. the conditioning seems to be more somatic, so i suppose you need interventions on the somatic level + stress mangement and psychological healing like others in the thread suggest.

[flume]

Something struck me about your post:

21 hours ago, Irina Wolf said:

I hope you don't think I'm just asking for attention.

This, together with biting your lips and tongue... Do you find yourself holding back a lot?

Do you feel guilty for needing something? For asking attention? For having a problem or an opinion?

Were you ever shamed for speaking? Were you told to shut up? To stay small? Just guessing here...

Do you have difficulties with boundaries? Expressing yourself? Are you keeping your art private?

What I've found over the years is that those behaviours are learnt in specific situations (usually childhood), where we hear or experience something that makes us unsafe.

"We don't have enough money for this child", "You're driving me crazy with your demands!" "If you speak to me again like this, I'll leave and never come back!" - Those are all things parents could say that make us decide we can't be our natural selves. We turn towards ourselves to harm us, because we think we might be burdening or upsetting other people by just being how we are. We turn against ourselves because it's our natural instinct as a child to always make the parents right. So we must, in return, be wrong.

Later, we might not even remember those situations consciously anymore. And we might act differently as an adult when someone would say the above things. But as a child, you don't have those kinds of defences.

As long as those things are unresolved, we act out the pattern that kept us safe back then. The key is to find out why you started biting your lips and how it kept you safe. You need to enter that experience again in order to resolve it. Everything else is fluff and distraction ime.

[hyruga]

An alternative to killing ants would be taking care of your skin. 

One way is to eat good food so you feel healthier.

When you feel healthier, you won't eat yourself.

Second benefits is the right kind of food will moisturise. Lips are normally very dry so if you eat food that moisturise you, you stand a better chance of recovery.

https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/food-for-dry-skin

If not, go kill more ants until you feel guilty.

Edited December 28, 2021 by hyruga