Psilocybin reawakened me; struggling to keep it together

[pfletcha]

      This shift in consciousness is so intense that l fear for my stability, or perhaps worse, regressing back to normal again, into slavery! 

I'm beginning to understand everything about myself and why I've always been such a fuck up . .. why it always felt like I was "mentally" stuttering my way through life without drugs. Why I've never been able to be assertive about much of anything, and why I've always felt tired and mentally exhausted so easily ...Now this past month it's like I've taken the limitless pill (again) . Now it seems that I intuitively know which information in the environment is important to hone in on, and which isnt. Previously  it's like i was being bombarded with too much information to process at once in a given moment, ESPECIALLY in social situations . I always had a foot in many different possible decisions at once, rendering it impossible to commit to any one response with confidence . The data overload would stun me like a deer in headlights , pure torture! 

       So anyway, I feel truly free now, like I'm living in a simulation or video game that I can  hack and have fun with . But it's made me a bit reckless, to say the least ..namely , I still have not figured out a way to shake these substances I've depended on for most of my life ...rather than bullying, they now pose as my friends, utterly harmless..  . I don't crave them anymore like I did , but that doesn't mean they're easy to quit...in fact they seem extra cuddly now  ...oh, what should I do, guys?  be honest, do u believe this is an awakening ,or could it be some form of manic mental illness that's preparing to bring me back to my knees ??? 

 

Edited December 25, 2021 by pfletcha

[Cathal]

how recently was your trip?

[Nahm]

Meditation is unexceptional. 

[pfletcha]

13 hours ago, catcat69123 said:

how recently was your trip?

Bout a month ago. This is by far the longest it's "stuck" 

Edited December 26, 2021 by pfletcha

[pfletcha]

11 hours ago, Nahm said:

Meditation is unexceptional. 

Please explain why you chose to describe meditation in such terms ??

13 hours ago, catcat69123 said:

 

[Cathal]

damn 1 month ago? i really don't understand how you are still feeling it but here's what i'm seeing in my eyes;

i think i understand what you're saying but help me, you are both saying you feel free yet you fear returning back to the 'slavery' of what you were experiencing before you tripped out? that in itself sounds too delusional and perhaps your reckless behaviour is to try to 'lock' in that sense of boundarylessness the psychedelic experience offers, that you fear to become grounded so to say because then you will return to reality. when i started doing them i also went through that, for the first time i had experienced tremendous freedom i done the most crazy shit you can imagine and ended up kinda homeless almost on the borders of africa and flew to germany lmfao

but the thing is man, you will return. psychedelics won't transform you, they are just presenting you with who you are before you created who you are not so you can see the possibilities to change, that life can be anything you want it to be. 

 

Quote

 could it be some form of manic mental illness that's preparing to bring me back to my knees ??? 

you will only truly transform once you begin to do the right work on yourself while being where you are ment to be at and stop running away from yourself with drugs, it's just you here. it's always been you vs you - if you feel unable to help yourself you can begin reaching out for help, people will help you here

 

[Nahm]

@pfletcha

I didn’t. The illusion of I & choice were /are realized meditatively. 

[Nadosa]

41 minutes ago, Nahm said:

@pfletcha

I didn’t. The illusion of I & choice were /are realized meditatively. 

Haha❤️

[Nahm]

If it’s helpful… ?

Don’t believe in fear, understand what fear actually is. 

Don’t think about awakening(s). Don’t understand anything about yourself.

Be aware of your focus, behaviors & actions, and the discord or alignment therein, now & here, the only actual time and place there is. 

So to speak. 

 

[pfletcha]

17 hours ago, catcat69123 said:

damn 1 month ago? i really don't understand how you are still feeling it but here's what i'm seeing in my eyes;

i think i understand what you're saying but help me, you are both saying you feel free yet you fear returning back to the 'slavery' of what you were experiencing before you tripped out? that in itself sounds too delusional and perhaps your reckless behaviour is to try to 'lock' in that sense of boundarylessness the psychedelic experience offers, that you fear to become grounded so to say because then you will return to reality. when i started doing them i also went through that, for the first time i had experienced tremendous freedom i done the most crazy shit you can imagine and ended up kinda homeless almost on the borders of africa and flew to germany lmfao

but the thing is man, you will return. psychedelics won't transform you, they are just presenting you with who you are before you created who you are not so you can see the possibilities to change, that life can be anything you want it to be. 

 

you will only truly transform once you begin to do the right work on yourself while being where you are ment to be at and stop running away from yourself with drugs, it's just you here. it's always been you vs you - if you feel unable to help yourself you can begin reaching out for help, people will help you here

 

          For the sake of argument, let's just say you're somewhere near the mark about this all being some manic, drug induced "thing." None of this would really mean much in the way of shit to me if not for the rather dramatic improvement in functioning and contentment across the board. I'll do my best to offer some concrete examples, but it's tricky..

          Take multitasking. Previously multitasking was virtually impossible for me. Like if I'm driving, youd better not talk to me or there's a chance we're all going down lol. I literally could not perform one task in the stack without completely feeling like i was sabatoging the entire stack as a whole. Now lately it's like my ego doesn't get stuck in ocd mode, flipping out at the idea of not being "in control" of everything at once, If that makes sense. Now its like i got this more holistic, intuitive perception of the "whole" going on, and its no sweat to have to juggle multiple things at once anymore.

           When i used the word "slavery" perhaps i was being overly dramatic. I just meant that I finally feel like an active participant in life rather than passive. The slavery analogy actually goes way deeper, but this will do for now...

           Again it is difficult to give up drugs and alcohol now precisely because they've lost a LOT of their grip on me. I mean I'm used to avoiding sobriety 24/7 as a full time job. It's always badass when u get to have your cake and eat it too..but at what cost I ask?? The last time i had one of these sustained transformative experiences, the delusions of grandeur won out in the end ; I ended up believing that i could learn to shoot heroin in a controlled manner. Yeah, talk about pouring water over a flame...holy shit what a disaster that was!

             TL:DR - I seem to have a much better relationship with substances now, and getting fucked up is still awesome and appears compatible with spiritual growth, at least for the moment. There's gotta be some line in the sand that can be drawn at this phase. Complete abstinence besides psychedelics just seems so over the top and almost counterproductive . I will never stop believing in that imaginary safety line in the sand...u dig?

[Arcangelo]

On 12/26/2021 at 11:45 PM, pfletcha said:

u dig?

Totally!

Wow! A month is a really long time bro!

 Do you feel is gonna "stay forever"?

Mine lasted a week. It was Xanga-DMT (smokable ayahuasca) though.

Then I decided to pretend to go back to sleep. And went back to slavery. (the easy route)

It was too much, I struggled to keep it together.

I even had a panic attack.

[pfletcha]

21 hours ago, Arcangelo said:

Totally!

Wow! A month is a really long time bro!

 Do you feel is gonna "stay forever"?

Mine lasted a week. It was Xanga-DMT (smokable ayahuasca) though.

Then I decided to pretend to go back to sleep. And went back to slavery. (the easy route)

It was too much, I struggled to keep it together.

I even had a panic attack.

I feel that I'm finally in an environment/living situation where this beautiful thing can flourish... Environment + am extremely fucking motivated to not rest on my laurels this time...gotta prove them wrong you know?

Edited December 29, 2021 by pfletcha