Extracting things I want from everyday situations

[somegirl]

It's weird.

Even though I have seemingly made a mistake in my first year of college (that I didn't know of because my friend never told me), I still don't regret it. I don't regret anything I did during that period of time. I lived my best life then. Even though it had consequences in terms of friendship, I still don't regret it.

But decisions I made when I was feeling low... Even if they seemed like right decisions, I do regret. I didn't feel the best and I was making decisions from a low vibration.

[somegirl]

I noticed two guys looking at me periodically and laughing. And, I wouldn't make it a big deal but this one guy always acts weird in my presence, he always laughs, makes comments I can't hear, murmurs, whispers. Whenever he sees me he always seems suspicious and calculative.

I decided to stand up and ask them both "Why are you talking about me?", being polite but also wanting to let them know I noticed and that I've had enough of this guy's behavior.

And they were like "We weren't talking about you"... And I said "Well you keep looking at me while talking". They said "We weren't talking about you, we were talking about a professor" (year right). And I responded "Ohhh, a professor (a bit sarcastically)." And left.

I mean I really cannot stand this guys anymore. I won't let him get away with always murmuring about me whenever he sees me. What's the deal with him?

I mean, noone can tell me I'm being delusional, because I ALWAYS feel like he talks about me and laughs about me whenever he sees me. No, I am not insecure and no this is not my anxiety spesking. I literally only have this feeling when I'm near his presence. 

I don't get this feeling with other people. 

[somegirl]

I felt a slight compassion though.

I don't wanna hate him, but I ask of him to respect me. Like that's the bare minimum.

[somegirl]

Now that I do not care about him anymore, he messages me. Even makes fool of himself.

It is funny how reality works. 

Edited July 12, 2022 by somegirl

[somegirl]

I feel like I am entering different state of consciousness. I am meditating and trying to heal parts of my identity that is creating me problems today. Integrate parts of myself that are traumatized, suffering and afraid. I have deep compassion for them. I can see them in my mind. I can see how traumatized one part of me is. How unworthy the other part of me think she is. 

I fundamentally think I'm unworthy of certain things. Like some things I want are just out of my reach, I am not deserving of them. I am too this and that for "that" to happen.

I have had some stuff happen that tell me otherwise - that I can attract some situations that I dreamed of when I was little, but... I think limiting belief is still there. And it sabotages me a lot.

Right now I feel I messed up something. I need to feel the feeling completely. It is so uncomfortable. And I feel like I just want to curse at myself. But it is all necessary. I don't want to run away from feelings. I feel they are necessary to feel, in order for change to happen. For clarity to appear.

I need to realize my greatness and awesomeness. I can't see it now. Like It is looming, but... I'm not there yet.  

✅ I want to become aware of my awesomeness, my greatness and how uniquely beautiful I am, inside and out. I want that.

✅ I want to realize that I am deserving of respect, love and absolute adoration. I deserve for someone to look at me like I am some kind of magic in human form.

✅ I want to realize that I deserve for someone to make effort for me, to hussle for me. I deserve for someone to work hard, it is NOT too much to ask for. It is not an inconvenience for them. It shouldn't be, because I deserve it. I want to realize this. 

✅ I want to realize that I offer more than my external beauty. I am not just this beautiful body. I am more than that and I offer more than that.

✅ I want to attracts people who also realize how interesting and awesome I am and how much stuff I am bringing to table. Who think I deserve the world and the utmost respect. (I just realized now - Do I think I'm awesome? Do I think I deserve the world? How can I attract people who think that way if I don't believe that about myself?)

✅ I want to be my own best friend, my greatest lover, my biggest supporter and the person I love the most in this world. 

✅ I want the people I desire to befriend/be with, to also want the same in return.

✅I want to accept all parts of my being. The embarassed side, the shy side, the terrified side, the "stupid" side, the ignored side, the angry hurt side. The not loved back side (special place for that one). I want to love them all and integrate them.

 

Edited July 12, 2022 by somegirl

[somegirl]

✅ I want universe to give me clear signs about things I should do next and whether I am on the right path or not.

 

I saw a sign just now and I think the universe is telling me "Yes, that's right, you're searching the right thing because that's exactly what's happening in your situation." 

I hope I'm not just delusional.

 

 

[somegirl]

I feel freaking bad when love is not returned. I feel jelaous for other people who have managed to win love of the person I want too. It's like... Ugh. It's happening way too much and there's a pattern. 

Some part of me obviously enjoys it. It is sadistic. And I shouldn't judge thay part of me. I should embrace her. Let her be sadistic. Cause she's also part of a whole that is me.

[somegirl]

I don't want to eat. It doesn't bring me joy, it just feels like nothing.

[somegirl]

Okay I just witnessed crazy synchronicity. Few minut s ago. This is undeniable. It's not a coincidence, it's too accurate. Omg.

Friend sent me some post that actually has to do with some specific question I asked someone just few days ago. This is too coincidental.

It's a sign.

I wanted universe to send me signs and it happened.

Thank you.

[somegirl]

I am the fucking problem.
I am the cause.



And I am the solution.
 

[somegirl]

I am different now.


I am no longer the old me carrying around baggages from the past. Fuck. that. I didn't want that in the first place, even though I somehow created it. I just don't want to put up with it. I'm tired of these chains. I want to freaking break free.

I am a totally different version of myself. A new state of mind. The ideal version of me. With new past, present and future. I am living in a parallel reality I DESERVE. I deserve the best. It was never meant for anything bad to happen to me. It was never meant to be. Not to somebody like me. Everything bad that ever happened was a mistake. Everything. 

This version of me lives a perfect life. One my inner being knows it belongs. It was meant to be here all along. It was always here all along. This version of me was living this perfect life all along. And I was oblivious about it. But I'm glad she exists. And I am her now. I give myself permission to be her. This new best version of myself. The one who was patiently waiting for me to realize that I am her all along. That she's been within me all this time waiting for me to be conscious of her. Hey, I'm here now.
 

[Kshantivadin]

glad to see u back x)

[somegirl]

@Kshantivadin Not for long, ali hvalaa <3

[somegirl]

Having some kind of strange discomfort in my throat area... Specifically suprasternal notch. When I take a deep breath, I feel a slight pain there. Not too bad but it lasts for a few days now. Don't know what it is and why it happens and what is it trying to tell me.

Googling it, it says that it is related to emotional stress (chakra). I wouldn't be surprised. I have so many people to forgive. It took a toll on me. But I want to wipe the slate clean. It's holding me back in many areas in life and affecting my self-concept.

Ugh... I'm just so pissed at some people, but I need to feel it and go through those emotions in order to release it. It's just such a torture at times. Maybe I need to take a break.

[somegirl]

Really fed up with negativity lately, I really can't handle it anymore. 

I got into conflict with former guy I liked, current guy I like, 3 people when I went to Italy, former close friend. That's freaking too much. 

What's happening? Is this some kind of painful transition into something good? 

 

[somegirl]

I recalled a situation with a guy where he totally embarassed me in front of others. I felt so freaking bad. The feeling just came back a few minutes ago and I started crying. Crying because he set me up. 

We had a good conversation beforehand where we even confessed to each other that we would be together, and so I thought supporting him will be welcomed. But he totally turned on me and behaved weird. 

I took back my comment and said I will never comment again. 

Thinking about his weird behaviour that didn't make sense to me whatsoever, someone suggested he behaved that way because he was too ashamed because he showed me he cared (by confessing he would be with me) that he wanted to let me know that he actually doesn't care about me.

Well, he successfully pushed me away, that's for sure. 

He would need to work extra hard to solve this out with me. 

He would need to work extra freaking hard because I am not doing anything anymore. 

Will let him suffer and overthink cause I didn't deserve that kind of treatment aftewards. He will regret this 100%. He will realize (if he didn't realize already) what he lost  and will beg me to come back. ?

Edited June 12, 2023 by somegirl

[Jacob Morres]

 

14 hours ago, somegirl said:

I recalled a situation with a guy where he totally embarassed me in front of others. I felt so freaking bad. The feeling just came back a few minutes ago and I started crying. Crying because he set me up. 

We had a good conversation beforehand where we even confessed to each other that we would be together, and so I thought supporting him will be welcomed. But he totally turned on me and behaved weird. 

I took back my comment and said I will never comment again. 

Thinking about his weird behaviour that didn't make sense to me whatsoever, someone suggested he behaved that way because he was too ashamed because he showed me he cared (by confessing he would be with me) that he wanted to let me know that he actually doesn't care about me.

Well, he successfully pushed me away, that's for sure. 

He would need to work extra hard to solve this out with me. 

He would need to work extra freaking hard because I am not doing anything anymore. 

Will let him suffer and overthink cause I didn't deserve that kind of treatment aftewards. He will regret this 100%. He will realize (if he didn't realize already) what he lost  and will beg me to come back. ?

totally get why you want him to realize his mistake, and it's only fair that he puts in the work to fix things. But at the same time, you gotta remember that a good relationship needs respect and open communication. If he's really sorry and wants to make things right, he's gotta understand why what he did was wrong and actually do something to change

And I get it, you might want him to feel bad about what he did, but holding onto that anger might end up doing more harm than good. It could get in the way of you moving on and healing from this and could dmg him too 

Just my 2c-  Let him know how you're feeling and how his actions hurt you. If he seems genuinely sorry and willing to change, then decide if you want to give him another shot. But if he just brushes off your feelings or doesn't get why he was in the wrong, id bounce 

Sorry in adv if advice is unsolicited 

Edited June 13, 2023 by Jacob Morres

[somegirl]

24 minutes ago, Jacob Morres said:

totally get why you want him to realize his mistake, and it's only fair that he puts in the work to fix things. But at the same time, you gotta remember that a good relationship needs respect and open communication. If he's really sorry and wants to make things right, he's gotta understand why what he did was wrong and actually do something to change

And I get it, you might want him to feel bad about what he did, but holding onto that anger might end up doing more harm than good. It could get in the way of you moving on and healing from this and could dmg him too 

Just my 2c-  Let him know how you're feeling and how his actions hurt you. If he seems genuinely sorry and willing to change, then decide if you want to give him another shot. But if he just brushes off your feelings or doesn't get why he was in the wrong, id bounce 

Sorry in adv if advice is unsolicited 

When I asked him why he behaves weirdly, he didn't wanna tell me, ignored me. My friend suggested that he felt deeply humiliated and embarassed that he showed me he cared, so he wanted to let me know that he doesn't. Cause feelings and showing someone they care are pathetic (to him) or whatever. 

I don't plan on attacking him if I ever see him again. I plan on telling him if he asks. 

I don't know will he get it. 

I am preparing myself for both scenarios - him willing to work with me, and him not caring. 

Thanks for your input.