Extracting things I want from everyday situations

[somegirl]

✅ I want a person I talk to to be present while talking to me and not leave conversation abruptly, especially when it gets heated.

 

[somegirl]

I really really dislike people with victim mentality... Like it seems like everything is against them and everything bad that can happen to them, happens to them. How come it always happens to them and not somebody else??

Just... Ugh. Be a little more proactive about your life.

[somegirl]

Got shocking news.

This friend is un lable to effectively communicate with me. And she's running away once conversation starts becoming heated. Leaving me without a response for more than 12 hours. That is not the way to go.

I ask once again that she gets it to together or we will hardly function like this.

I want to be able to speak with friends once we run into a problem.

Instead of her speaking that she's still mad at me (if she is), she just replies me to in a harsh way. 

I called her out on that, because I noticed her tone was harsh. 

If we resolved that little "conflict" we had, she should at least try to not make it worse. And she does it currently.

So either we talk or we can't function.

[somegirl]

She has spoken and let it all out on me, everything that is on her heart lol. And brought up situations that happened few months back. She has literally stayed silent this whole time, making me believe everything is fine between us.

What is more shocking, and kinda hilarious, is that she has told me that she thinks I have bad/evil intentions towards her. I was literally too stunned when I read that. She, a friend that is supposedly close to me, thinks I have bad intentions towards her?? Like what? Why are you then friends with a person who wishes you bad??? What? And she told me she has a reason to think like that based on few situations that happened in the past (she's very ambiguous and didn't say anything specifically).

We supposedly have to talk on Tuesday and sort this all out.

Honestly now this is getting critical. We can't function as friends if she honestly thinks I have bad intentions. Why would we be friends then? She has such screwed view of me and my actions. I have literally never thought of ways I can screw her over. Never. 

I even helped her when she would ask me, even be TOO helpful. I would compliment her. And she tells me I have evil, secret intentions?

Oh come on, get out.

If we don't resolve THIS specific issue of how she views me, we are officially done. I don't care that we have big celebration going on. This is unacceptable for a friendship. She better have good reasons to explain to me why she thinks the way she does because noone has told that about me EVER. 

Gosh...

 

Edited May 29, 2022 by somegirl

[somegirl]

10 hours ago, lxlichael said:

Wow, I really know what that’s like it’s a really tricky situation.

You’re aware, you’ve got your communication channels and you just want to seek resolution and the other party is just caught up in the experience of what they’re emotionally intertwined with.

Because this experience is blocking their view and even if you share this experience and it’s emotional intensity; we’re not able to do anything until their reflective centres kick in and they genuinely want to communicate with us in a meaningful way.

Yes, I don't want to force anybody for any communication. I was even the one who offered to communicate, after eveything she has told me. And she has told me some pretty bad stuff, like the fact that she thinks I have bad and evil intentions towards her lol.  I wonder if she's projecting. I was literally in shock but also it was kinda funny how ridiculous that was, that someone would think that of me. Noone has said that about me ever, and I also know myself and know I never wished to screw her over in any way. 

If she wants to communicate, and this  friendship is in desperate need of communication, she can ask me. I won't for sure run after her and beg her. 

10 hours ago, lxlichael said:

One other caveat, they may have some ego defenses which compound the emotional conflict, in which case, even if things are resolved in the first instance either this is something they’re genuinely tackling now so the defenses will fade more and more in the future or you’re going to continue to butt heads unless you cater to the persons way of being which is always going to make you feel a little at odds. 

Hope she gets over her ego defenses. She has some very distorted and inaccurate views of things, it got me surprised..

10 hours ago, lxlichael said:

Its such a pain in the neck I know the feeling so I empathise with the difficulty but there’s really nothing we can do but make the self aware appraisal in our own mind then play it relative to the other persons level of awareness. Like there’s no better we can do.

Thank you. This is so true. Couldn't have said it better.

I guess we can do something though. Find more mentality and emotionally developed people that match our awareness and ego development and are mature enoguh to communicate when problem pops up.

10 hours ago, lxlichael said:

In general my rule of thumb is that the less awareness I perceive now the less I invest in terms of seriousness and just treat the other person with fun and reflection with a level of seriousness that matches that awareness.

Where the pain occurs I’ve found is where I don’t do this, plus it works out as much more fun for someone not as aware as you because sometimes it’s so difficult for them they’re just simply not understanding your level of awareness and in their mind they’re literally doing all they can to understand a situation.

I see, interesting. Might try that.

Though I feel like I can't even be fun with this friend. She is way too sensitive, even worse than me lol. She also doesn't get harsh jokes I noticed. Takes everything too personally.

So I have to be very careful what i say to her, not to accidentally hurt her. Kinda tiring at times, like, I really restrict myself around her. Cause I know she can't take it. 

 

 

Edited May 29, 2022 by somegirl

[somegirl]

In a way, she awfully reminds me of myself.

But she is more extreme with her way of thinking. Kinda more sensitive and takes things to heart too much and too soon. Jumps to conclusions too.

But maybe I'm just really like her.

Damn, if I am really like her, I don't like this lol.

Seems kinda scary, her ways of thinking and the way she just jumps to conclusions and she is stubborn. Yeah, kinda scary. Don't want that.

This is good, in a way that I can see how I am like (or at least one aspect of mt personality I need to work on).

✅ I want to be open minded and not take things to heart and too seriously.

✅ I want to give people benefit of the doubt and not assume the worst from the start

✅ I want friends who will openly communicate with me when there is problem, not run away from me (and/or problem)

✅ I want to control my emotions better

 

[somegirl]

Please don't bring your guys feud into my journal.

[Esilda]

@somegirl have hidden. Srry. Will stay out of it. 

[somegirl]

❤️

[somegirl]

I find wheezing so freaking funny. When someone laughs and makes that wheezing sound, I'm dead laughing. lool

[somegirl]

Love guys who are musical. Who play some kind of instrument.

Was watching Ukranian Eurovision song, and the singer who raps and plays flute is so attractive to me.

[somegirl]

I noticed I get along with people who are leos in zodiac. I get attracted to them easily, a couple of times by now. 

✅Want my bf to be leo.

[somegirl]

✅ Want my bf to appreciate and admire my art and get interested in it, ask me questions about it. 

[somegirl]

I found out that I have some issue within myself that is in desperate need of repair.
I have a problem of overthinking.

Not only does it ruin my mood, but now I convey the kind of energy that pushes people away. That makes me look calculated and like I have ill-intentions. Which in reality I don't, but since I'm too much in my head, I am overly occupied by my insecurities and worries.

I need healing and change from within. From the core.

I also have problem with being overly harsh or agressive in some instances. 

I need healing and change from within. From the core.

I need to stop assuming the worst.

I need to stop seeing the worst in people.

I need to stop thinking everyone hates me.

I need to stop thinking I am not good enough.

I need to stop thinking I don't deserve great things.

I need to stop thinking I am the worst.

I need to stop thinking people hate me.

I need to stop thinking people have ill-intentions from the get go.

I need to stop assuming people hate me the most.

I need to stop thinking I am not liked.

 

I am everyone's favorite person in the room.

I am love. 

I radiate love everywhere I go.

I show love.

I see love everywhere I go.

I am enough.

I matter.

What I say matters.

I am loved by people.

I see the good in people.

I am understanding.

 

Edited May 31, 2022 by somegirl

[somegirl]

Nothing beautiful happens currently in life.

It's so boring.

Or I might be just oblivious.

[somegirl]

Why do I continue to take everything so seriously and personally. I am just tired of this

[somegirl]

Feeling bored and slightly sad. I want to talk to somebody.

[somegirl]

So, yes we did resolve the issues that was bothering her about me (I wasn't aware she was having those issues about me because she never told me and I cannot read anyone's mind) but..... She literally held thise issues and opinions about me for the entirety of our college years. Literally. 4 freaking years. And she thought it was fair towards me to just go on with life, withholding those stuff that was bothering her and that could ONLY be resolved, had she brought up that topic to me (which she never did) and what is worse of all is that she was behaving like everything is fine. 

I am not okay with that. It keeps popping in my mind. How she kind of deceived me. I thought everything was fine when she was smiling and when we had a great time together, but in reality, she was withholding a lot of stuff from me. 

Though she doesn't know this, I plan on telling her this when I get done with some stuff before that. So I can concentrate.

Though something else also came out of this. Even though I thought we resolved everything, new issue came up. Now I cannot ever be certain if everything is fine with her. Because she has showed me she is able to withhold things from me for a freaking long time (I don't know how she managed to do that) while behaving like everything is fine. Who guarantees that she is not withholding something now, while behaving like everything is fine? Now I cannot literally trust her.

Now, she is being quiet again. And I can sense something is wrong. But. This time I don't want to ask her about it. I am done with always coming to her to ask her what's wrong. She has mouth. She can tell me. If she's okay with us drifting apart, so be it. I am already done with this... So tired of always literally pulling out words from her. Nah. If you wanna speak you speak. I don't want to beg her to talk to me and explain why she is being quiet.

Nope.

Done. Done.

Done.

Edited June 16, 2022 by somegirl

[somegirl]

I'm kinda embarassed when I see how fast I just "lose it". Probably cause I am overly cautious to let anybody mistreat me even a tiniest bit anymore. Cause I guess it used to happen a lot and I didn't understand why I was feeling so weak all the time. 

 

[somegirl]

I freaking saw one of close friends of S! In the middle of my city, and btw they (S and his friend) live in a nearby city. How likely is that!

Omg

I don't care what anybody says, this is a freaking sign! A sign!

Edit: I even turned my head to look to see again if it was really him, and he also looked at me

Edited June 21, 2022 by somegirl