Extracting things I want from everyday situations

[somegirl]

I don't know, I notice this current situation in the world fills me up with negative energy, anger, bitterness, hate, sadness, resentment... I don't want to be like this. But at the same time it's so easy to be.

"The descent into hell is easy." (lat. "Facilis descensus averno.") 

This quote can be applied rn. 

✅ I want to have this addictive, positive, bright energy around me. Like I used to be. But also even better than that.

I don't want to be angry. I don't. 

✅ Also I want to be content with myself internally and externally. I want to have strong fondation. I want people to see in my eyes that I hold no grudges.

[somegirl]

I have come across a topic of Comfort zone. I was watching a video where someone was suggesting that comfort zone is dangerous place to stay in, ironically (I guess it's counter-intuitive, aka paradox of life).

I was evaluating whether my feelings towards this organization are a result of me "avoiding to leave my comfort zone" or because I found this all uninteresting and a waste of time.

My main goal of joining this organization was to challenge myself and leave my comfort zone.

The conclusion I have extracted is that I frankly did not learn anything new for these 4 months. I find it boring (the stuff we do), and I actually would waste sometimes a big portion of my day during their "sessions", not learning anything new or valuable. I don't feel improvement in any way.

Yes, we have that promotion (maybe they won't do it anymore) that is uncomfortable for everyone to do, but franky... I have similar presentations to do in my own college (in front of everyone). And I challenged myself in that sense multiple times. I would say I am not as nervyas I was before to present in front of everyone. I just need to know my material and it's all good. 

Also I have noticed how disorganized this whole thing is. I mean, yes, they are students... But we need to set an example (or they, in this case). They would often tell us to do assignments today for tomorrow. And that's very unprofessional and kinda rude because we have other things to do too. So that's another thing that kinda disappoints me...

[somegirl]

I think I have one person on this forum who inspires me kinda. In a specal way. Very different than anybody else. It's pretty cool what I feel just by seeing how they express themselves. It is so similar to me. It motivates me to be who I am as well, in a weird way. I don't know how it works exactly, but I know it does something.
Won't reveal gender nor where they are from. 

Edited March 4, 2022 by somegirl

[somegirl]

My god...

A guy that is in my team treated me like a princess some days days ago (Wednesday I think it was). He subtly would put his hand on my shoulder or somewhere near me... He also at one point pulled me towards him and started caressing me gently. I think he meant it to be "pal" like.

And when our meeting was done, he helped put my jacket on and even help adjust my hair after that lol. 

He was just too sweet. Is a real gentleman ovarall, I am freaking impressed.

Edited March 12, 2022 by somegirl

[somegirl]

I also had an interesting dream I didn't want to wake up from recently lol. It was very... Interesting. This dream involved passion and desire and sex. All I remember is that I felt deeply desired and craved for, which of course deeply flattered me lol. 

Wish I can have this dreams become reality. Felt pretty good.

[Raptorsin7]

25 minutes ago, somegirl said:

I also had an interesting dream I didn't want to wake up from recently lol. It was very... Interesting. This dream involved passion and desire and sex. All I remember is that I felt deeply desired and craved for, which of course deeply flattered me lol. 

Wish I can have this dreams become reality. Felt pretty good.

"Whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it and it will be yours" Jesus

I think if you can get in touch with how you felt during the good parts of the dream, and also practice imagining and having the thing/feeling you want then you can manifest that thing 

[somegirl]

20 hours ago, Raptorsin7 said:

"Whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it and it will be yours" Jesus

I think if you can get in touch with how you felt during the good parts of the dream, and also practice imagining and having the thing/feeling you want then you can manifest that thing 

It sounds like LOA thing. I will definitely daydream more about things I want. If anything, for the reason that it feels good.

Have you done this and received/experienced what you want?

[Raptorsin7]

8 hours ago, somegirl said:

It sounds like LOA thing. I will definitely daydream more about things I want. If anything, for the reason that it feels good.

Have you done this and received/experienced what you want?

I haven't manifested specific things yet, but my life has all sorts of coincidences and bread crumbs towards things I want.

And the biggest shift i made recently was doing stuff that put me into a really good feeling mood.  For me it was watching napoleon videos that really elevated me, but maybe for you its daydreaming like you said.

Even though I haven't manifested specific things yet, I'm pretty sure that if you keep practicing visualizing and imagining things like your dream that make you feel really good, it will have a huge positive impact on the momentum of your life 

[somegirl]

I just now randomly remembered how my ex most of the time tried to convince me to think the way he thinks and whenever I had different views on certain things, instead of respecting our difference in opinion and my thoughts, he would always try to argue how his POV is one and the only truth. Would always say "You're not right".

My god.

I just now realize more and more how unhealthy that dynamic was. Who is he to impose on me his opinions on things? I am my own person, he is his own. Of course people in relationships won't always agree on everything, but he was literally trying to make me think exactly like him on every aspect of life. And whenever I would think differently, he would almost shame me for it and make me feel like I'm stupid (that's how I felt) because he was very good at debates (he learnt that for some kind of course before) and also I thought he was smarter  because he was much older. Bs. 

I went out for pancakes with new girl I met in organization and when I was briefly explaining my situation with my ex, she said herself that he sounds immature. And I didn't even make her say that, she obviously concluded that based on the story I was telling her. So that says a lot.

I'm just now glad that I know what I (don't) want.

✅ I want someone who respects my individuality and difference in opinion. I want someone who will not try to control how I think. 

✅ I want someone who shares similar values with me in life and who is open-minded and allows me to express my authentic self. Someone who will let me be me without controlling me in any way. Someone who won't impose his views on me and pressure me to adopt his way of thinking.

Edited March 16, 2022 by somegirl

[somegirl]

One time I asked him why he doesn't like dating older girls, or girls his age, he said something along the lines of "Well they already established certain way of thinking and nothing can be changed about it". ?

And I knew right there that sounded wrong. Why would he want to "make" someone change their opinions to suit his? And why is it bad that someone has established way of thinking? Why do you need someone to think exactly like you all the time? That's controlling.

Such a mess. 

Edited March 16, 2022 by somegirl

[somegirl]

I actually started feeling legit depressed when I watch certain scenarios where a couple passionately loves each other. Never happened before. 

I actually started tearing up that they get to experience that feeling and I don't, nor can I see how that situation will change. Seems impossible.

I don't know.

I can't see how situation will change from current state to one I always desired.

[somegirl]

Ugh...

I cringe when I look at some posts.

Some people just have too much time on their hands.

It's a bit pathetic. I kinda know why it happens - attention. 

✅ I want to do things that fullfill me spiritually, emotionally and physically and I want to not have time for others stupid distracting things or people.

 

[somegirl]

So...

 A guy I used to be crazy in love sent me a message last friday. After 2 years of not talking. 

I think I was dreaming one night about him beforehand, but I'm not entirely sure. 

What is crazy is that I saw him the very day he sent me a message. I really didn't expect it.

But he basically asked me why I deleted him everywhere. He was seemingly bothered and kept asking me why I did it since we had great interaction, him and I. 

But I didn't unfollow him for no reason, there was planty of reasons, which is why I did it. I explained to him why. Every situation I felt used and let down. Hurt. And situations I cried about.

And he felt sorry and apologized. He said that was the last thing he wanted me to feel. He leads this carefree life and in the process of it all, I got hurt because I felt used and ditched every time he would ask me out (even though I told him to leave me alone if he doesn't want something serious with me). 

I saw how sorry he was thoguh. He said "When I see you, I can only remember good things. There is no room for bad memories." And that soften my heart honestly. That I have that kind of influence on some people. It really was sweet to hear. 

I was kinda cruel tbh. I didn't want to make it easy for him. I was seriously hurt back then (not now, I moved on and have 0 reaction to what happened). But I didn't want to just let it be forgotten. I didn't want to let him get away with it and let it slip so easily. What happened needed to be addressed. Which we finally did. After 2 freaking years. It felt like I was dreaming. Everything I wanted back then (for him to apologize for hurting me), it happened. Plus he was hurt. He seemingly was hurt that our interaction ended. He wanted it to last. Which was a shock for me to know. I thought he didn't care about me, why would he be hurt that our i interaction ended? His actions told me he didn't care. But... He apologized.

Though we didn't see each other still, we only were chatting. I want to see him too these days. It would be nice.

But he seems apprehensive about it. He is kinda scared of me I think.

Though he needs to understand that I was seriously hurt. I deleted him because I don't want to be in contact with people who do not care about me and do not consider my emotional and physical wellbeing. Which I felt he neglected my emotional wellbeing. He was doing what he wanted back then, when he wanted and how he wanted. When I wanted something, he would not make room for me.

Anyway, he was flirting with me too. Which was interesting too.

I don't know what we are. But I am not in love with him anymore. I am cold turkey now. But I still think he is attractive and interesting as a person.

If he is willing to treat me with respect this time, I can consider letting him be in my life. Otherwise I don't need people who do not care about me. We will see.

For now he lets me dominate him a little. In our conversations I mean. Which is good and I am thankful that he is smart enough to let me be that way, to get him back just a little. I see that he pays attention what he writes to me and doesn't want to seem like he is bringing me down/making me feel stupid/less than gim which kinda happened before. He lets me dominate him in conversations. Let's me make fun of him.

He pays attention not to hurt me even by accident. And this is why I see the change. We will see.

After things like this, when someone has done me wrong, and if that person ever comes back into my life, I expect them to "bow down to me". Because, hey, you hurt me, so just let me make you feel just a little what I felt. 1/100000 part of my pain. Let me dominate. You did me wrong. The least you can do is let me dominate a little. I won't abuse it. Because I am not that kind of person. So you can trust me that it won't last long. Just first couple of times. 

The other guy who hurt me who also came back after 2-3 years also apologized etc... But he continued behaving superior to me. He did. And that I didn't want to let it happen. So I just deleted him again and never heard from him ever since. You don't get to acr superior tlwards someone you hurt. If you care enough about that person, you will let that person have their moment and be a little superior in comparison to you. Because you hurt her. That's the least you can do when you hurt someone deeply. You can't afford being a smartass, it will backfire on you. Which it happened with this other person (we'll call him D). D fucked up and act like a smartass even though he should have let me have my little moment, just for a short while. But no, he wanted to act superior still, so I let him go. Find someone else to do that to. 

I noticed this is kinda crucial to me. Whether someone let's me have my moment after they come back to make amends and fix our relationship/friendship/whatever we are. 

✅ I want to spend most of my time talking to people who care about me - about my physical and mental wellbeing. I do. This is crucial to me.

✅ I want person to be smart enough and let me have my moment of shine when they fuck up. Just agree with me, laugh at everything I say. Let me see that you care to make me happy.

[somegirl]

One new girl that joined my group of friends yesterday in a night-out was acting so freaking weird, I freaking hated it. I hated absolutely everything. The way she was behaving, talking to me, expressing her thoughts...

I told her I'm not drinking because I want to not drink as much when I'm going out and then 5 mins she ordered me alcohol.... Freaking disregarded everything I said and bought a drink. Wtf, are you okay girl? 

Also she was making unnecessary awkwardness when I mentioned that, when I do decide to drink here and there, I only order one brand of beer that I like and can tolerate (because I'm sensitive to alcohol). She looked at me and then at others weidly, and then annoyingly started speaking in different tone so she can almost embarass me in front of my friends because "all beers are the same". I mean, you could tell me that in a normal way you know? You don't have to draw attention to me in such a weird way. I don't understand why she was looking at me like I'm saying something outrageous.

Like, fuck you.

I hate people who feel the need to embarass others and put them down in order to look better or cool or "smarter". Also hate people who do not listen to what I'm saying. I said I don't drink vodka and she orderer me one.

I'm glad when she left. May she not come back.

Edited April 9, 2022 by somegirl

[RendHeaven]

Love the vulnerability here. Stay strong.

On 3/11/2022 at 9:19 PM, somegirl said:

I also had an interesting dream I didn't want to wake up from recently lol. It was very... Interesting. This dream involved passion and desire and sex. All I remember is that I felt deeply desired and craved for, which of course deeply flattered me lol. 

Wish I can have this dreams become reality. Felt pretty good.

I had this last night. This might be an insane take, but I find the hollow feeling upon waking up to be more special than the dream. There's something so nostalgic for me about having nobody else that's there for you. It always gets me passionate about being there for myself.

On 3/20/2022 at 10:25 PM, somegirl said:

I actually started tearing up that they get to experience that feeling and I don't, nor can I see how that situation will change. Seems impossible.

I don't know.

I can't see how situation will change from current state to one I always desired.

One day you're gonna look back at this moment with such fondness haha.

50 minutes ago, somegirl said:

I hate people who feel the need to embarass others and put them down in order to look better or cool or "smarter". Also hate people who do not listen to what I'm saying. I said I don't drink vodka and she orderer me one.

Hey, the poor lady has to numb her mind to feel at ease with herself & the world. You do not. ?

[somegirl]

1 hour ago, RendHeaven said:

Love the vulnerability here. Stay strong.

❤️

1 hour ago, RendHeaven said:

had this last night. This might be an insane take, but I find the hollow feeling upon waking up to be more special than the dream.

Yes, feel the same, it's kinda special. But also sad that it was just a dream lol.

1 hour ago, RendHeaven said:

There's something so nostalgic for me about having nobody else that's there for you. It always gets me passionate about being there for myself.

Hmm, interesting... I don't know how though. You were more passionate about being there for yourself after such dream? 

But that's a good way to look at it. I guess you're your own best friend and enemy. 

1 hour ago, RendHeaven said:

One day you're gonna look back at this moment with such fondness haha.

?❤️?

 

[somegirl]

I don't want to have depressive/angry resting face... I just don't want to hold negative energy in myself. I don't want to be pessimistic like certain people I know. I don't want to be like certain people in my close environment.

[somegirl]

Oh yeah, I forgot to report something very important that happened to me yesterday... 

So... I decided to randomly comment on some guy's post after seeing that he plays one of my favorite songs on a guitar... And then...

He commented with some emoticon that he never used on other comments. I thought that was interesting.

Then I started kinda thinking about him randomly... Then the next day, he sent me a message ?

I was like... Damn, I manifested this lol. 

And he's not just any guy, he's like SUPER freaking hot. Works out and stuff. And plus travels and plays guitar (so and artist like me). 

We are from different places but actually pretty close, it's not a long drive. He then told me that we can go to upcoming big rock festival together that will be in my city (I'm not sure if he was serious or was he just being flirty and then moved on). I told him "so you're gonna just come here alone, without your friends?" And he replied "I'm not alone, I got you." I said "but we didn't meet each other yet" and he said "we will". 

Me: "So you bought tickets already?"

Him: "No, we will buy it together" 

Lol.

It was interesting and kinda freaky because I was just thinking about him randomly previously. Plus he seems super handsome and good guy judging from his videos he posted (he posts vlogs).

I don't know...

We will see, but I will just continue doing ans thinking things that make me feel good ✨

 

Edited April 12, 2022 by somegirl

[somegirl]

✅ I want to meet this guy... 

He seems i intriguing. He has these interesting facial expressions I was talking about in this journal. I find it super attractive. Also he freaking has muscles and abs. Not too bulky, but JUST right. He travels, plays guitar, appreciates every genre of music... Knoes when to be serious and when to joke around (his words). The last part was something I wished for after exiting my last rs. Because I noticed that it bothers me when someone jokes around all the time and doesn't know when to hold serious conversations. I think you need to have social intelligence in order to distinguish the two. 

Anyway it feels good to daydream about potential partner. Even if it doesn't come true. I was able to feel good on my own without that person so... Lol. It just feels so good the last time I did it. 

Now I'm just listening to rock and I feel good. Wanna learn more about it.

 

[somegirl]

✅ I want to feel alive. I want to live life to the fullest. I want to experience things. I want to love everything I see.