Connection Vs Desire

[Epiphany_Inspired]

So, for me, amazing relationships and incredible sex have ALWAYS been induced by an energetic connection, not situations that are limited to physical attraction, primal urges etc. If it takes me years to meet someone I truly connect with, I easily and intentionally go without sex...until the new connection comes along. The few times I have been with someone with no connection, or a very limited one, it was pretty valueless for me.

Sex can be incredible for everyone, and some are able to experience great enjoyment with only physical attraction, or even any other human, regardles of anything...lol...I have experinced the conscious side of sex in an evolutionary sense, and it's, wow! I don't really want anything else.

That said, I didn't realize that my current waiting period is more extreme. As a result of some more recent trauma (always being denied hugs/ kisses in my last relationship). I have been neurotically/unintentionally going without ANY affection from ANYONE beyond 2 second greeting/goodbye friend hugs! Obviously I give and receive lots of hugs and snuggles with my child, but that's the only person! The other night, I had someone that just held me all night, full body hugged me, held my hands, stroked my hair, squeezed my arms, etc...With no lacivious intention, they intuitivly gave me the affection that I had no idea how much I was lacking!!! In my past "waiting between connection phases", I still snuggled with my friends on the couch etc, I just forgot lately that we need physical affection like food, and water! It was like I had a spare battery in my heart that I forgot about, it's finally re-charged!!!

I've seriously gone about 3 years without any real physical affection, wtf? I have no interest in sex, unless I meet someone rad.That said I do need, real-extended hugs, cuddles, etc. Is it best to ask my existing friends for this, or is that weird after being so cold for so long? Those cuddle groups people go to always seemed like something that would turn creepy like mass unwanted groping by the pervz, or something....lol...? Does anyone have any experience or ideas? Now, please go off and joyfully hug someone extensively!

[SFRL]

@Epiphany_Inspired so are you saying that you want to cuddle with your male friends for cuddles-sake and then you expect that to somehow end well? 

[Epiphany_Inspired]

@STC   Yes, I am saying that, of course!!!...cuddling, hugging, even basic kissing (cheek, hand, quick mouth, etc) are normal human behaviours that can be engaged in by everyone with no underlying licentiousness (think of little kids, Europeans/ other cultures that don't grow up with the same influences)!  I have (until recently) cuddled with pretty much anyone I'm comfortable with that's sitting next to me watching a movie, or concert or something! Male, female, gay, straight, their parents, their kids, whatever....it is instantly obvious when someone misinterprets cuddle intentions, and easy enough to discontinue at that point...lol....With an open mind....you may have a point....I could continue my re-entry into affection with my hetero-female friends, gay male friends, etc...just in case my creepy radar is diminished right now...lol....

[SFRL]

@Epiphany_Inspired sounds like a lack of boundaries to me. It's not normal behaviour to kiss and cuddle people that you don't have a close or official bond with. That sort of cheapens the deal and may be illegal. 

Unless you are trying to date or something but that's a whole other thing all together. 

It's not normal or acceptable in other cultures either. Definitely not in European cultures. I am European myself I don't know what they have been telling you. 

If straight guys are cuddling you...come on now you are old enough that you should know what's going on. 

 

Edited January 3, 2017 by STC

[Epiphany_Inspired]

Sorry for the misunderstanding...I was talking about friends/ their family etc, that I DO have a close bond with...that's what I meant by "feel comfortable with" I could have said "feel REALLY comfortable with"....many European people I know (male and female) kiss both my cheeks,  hug for minutes instead of seconds, etc....just more affectionate....I didn't mean to offend you....straight guys, even married ones still cuddle other male and female people....it is normal....and yes, of course I do know the difference.... when something else is going on...it's super obvious...it's stigma that is the issue here.....for example....my friend was cuddling her 12 yr old son on the couch, as they has done since he was born, someone came to visit, and their insecurity about how others may misinterpret them stopped them from ever cuddling each other again! Without societal stigma, moms would be platonically hugging their sons indefinitely....cuddling IS normal regardless of sex, race, age, etc!!!

[SFRL]

@Epiphany_Inspired in short you are saying it's nice to cuddle and get touched? I agree. 

[Kaity]

@Epiphany_Inspired
I can't believe we apologize for accidentally touching someone...So many times in my yoga class, girls have said "omg sorry" for slightly touching my finger while I obviously realize that there's not enough room and it was completely expected. 
From my own experience, I could literally write a book about the power of the human physical touch, despite it being sexual or not. It just has such an enormous power of positive energy transmission that you just can't hide from its benefits. And I think people in some European countries are lucky to have daily hugs and kisses as a social norm. It just makes so much freaking difference in your overall mood and emotional state, hard to explain to someone who hasn't experienced it. 
Here in U.S many teens and adults have a tendency to feel very alienated and lonely, which I think comes from seeing these random, friendly touches as "weird" and having them extracted from our lives. Which is why we desperately crave for some lover, who can provide us with such warmth. 
In my opinion it's the key element why in some not-so-prosperous countries depression rates are so low, since they get to enjoy their daily interactions and "touches" without feeling creepy or guilty about it. Even just a 2 seconds of someone leaning their head on you can literally make you feel connected and accepted, which will last you entire day to be happy. So I really wish people here were more open to such body expressions and not labeling everything as sexual or weird. Insecurities... 

[Epiphany_Inspired]

@Kaity Thank you soooooo much, this means so much to me! I adore when someone leans their head on me, and it totally has that beautiful day effect on me too.

In coercive control, the abuser is usually trying to force affection and sex on the partner. In my case it was more powerful to deny it. Affection was so natural for me, that it took hundreds of rejections of my hello/goodbye/goodnight hugs and kisses before I broke. I realize that western culture has various cuddle-neurosis (men & men, adults & children, etc)...but this fear of "affection- rejection" neurosis is new for me. In my last (terribly dysfunctional) relationship, I was continually told that I wasn't deserving of hugs/kisses.

Consciously, I have recovered enough to know that I am deserving... but there are lingering barriers to regular affection for me. Some are societally triggered in others, but there is a real awkwardness with myself now too....mostly because I have gone years without it. What do you recommend, to bring physical affection back into my life again without having to be sexual with "randomz"... lol...? I can visualize the incredible bliss when this physical connection is a part of my life again, yes, it's amazing and powerful like you said! Thanks Kaity!

[Deep]

On 1/2/2017 at 7:45 PM, Epiphany_Inspired said:

Is it best to ask my existing friends for this, or is that weird after being so cold for so long? Those cuddle groups people go to always seemed like something that would turn creepy like mass unwanted groping by the pervz, or something....lol...? Does anyone have any experience or ideas? Now, please go off and joyfully hug someone extensively!

This is a really good question. I had my wisdom teeth removed 2 years ago and my friend took me to the surgeon. On our way back he was feeling insecure about holding my arm because he thought people would assume he was gay. I said, "No one is going to think anything, dude." 

Is it possible for you to hug your female friends or do you need males? I think hugging is very healthy and normal. 

[Epiphany_Inspired]

@Deep @Kaity Yes, I can hug anyone, people, dogs, whoever! Our culture is pretty ridiculous though. If I hug another female friend they simply let go after 2 seconds max, many people tell me they " don't like hugs" (that must be neurosis), or clearly indicate energetically- that is the maximum hugging (2 sec) they can tolerate with a couple of quick taps to my shoulder, etc. Before, when I was naturally really affectionate, it would not have felt creepy if I hugged people more often/ longer...

This reminds me of the "overly-desiring-type-guy" posts about pick up for sex... these guys are often struggling because they come off as too needy to attain the sex they want....I have not felt needy for affection...I had quite intentionally (& neurotically) distanced myself from it....but the result is now the same.... and I'm not sure how to got back to integrating regular physical affection as "normal" again. Ideas?

@STC I totally didn't mean to give you a negative reputation, it was meant to be positive. There is something with the forum system... most of the time it tells me "you are not allowed to give a reputation" which is what it tells me when I try to change the one I gave you....i will try to change it again next time I log in....i'm super sorry!

 

Edited January 15, 2017 by Epiphany_Inspired

[Passionate]

@Epiphany_Inspired I applaud you for ALL of your hug efforts!!  I love touching and being touched, and I agree with you that you can tell pretty quickly whether people are comfortable with touching or if they are touch-phobes.  I actually had a work colleague who told me that she hated being touched or hugged, but she lets me hug her " a little" because she knows what a positive effect it has on me.................LOL!!  There must be some part of her that gains positive feelings out of it or she wouldn't let me do it.  I also have a weekly meeting where hugs are an essential part of the meeting.  Matter of fact, I am signed up as the official "hugger" at the next meeting.  Of course, I do check with everyone at the meeting to make sure its OK with them that i hug them.  But I gotta tell you, its one of the highlights of the meeting for me.  So....................keep hugging, and you'll know who will and who won't, and stay closer to the ones who will hug.  It's an amazing exchange of positive energy that can be very intimate without the requirement of sex.  I am so proud of you.  

[Elton]

I love hugging and kissing too it does create a lot of passion; but i desire to provide more passion through intercourse. 

I think that could create a deeper connection.  @Epiphany_Inspired

Edited January 21, 2017 by Elton
forgot to tag

[Epiphany_Inspired]

@Passionate You rock, thanks so much!

@Elton  Fair enough, I totally get that. Have you done any research about how the chemicals/ hormones/ endorphins/ pheromones, etc involved with intercourse effect women? Leo mentions it in one of his videos, but you may not have seen it (it might be one for women specifically). Anyway, although this obviously does not effect ALL women...through evolution, women have developed a bonding mechanism as a result of sex. The more times a woman is with a guy, the more bonded they become (likely evolutionary for the benefit of offspring)....I'm not sure of the exact logistics, but I think about 3 times is supposed to create a bond. Often this is with the "wrong person", and the bond can seem to be a connection, when it is actually just physiological (not energetic/ shared values, etc). This is one of the reasons many men, and women are into one night stands.

For me, a couple of decades ago, I had a super rad boyfriend demand that I have an STD screening before we could sleep together. I was terrified, I wanted him to go with me. He wouldn't, and he broke up with me because of my fear. I realized and respected his integrity so much that it gave me the courage to do it. Yes, STD free! Since then, every boyfriend I've had, has had to get the same testing done, because I have enough integrity and respect for my own body to make sure I will be safe... in addition to using protection (as it's not 100%). I am putting in the energy and work into being open to everything...that said, intuitively there would need to be enough of a connection, to omit any bonding issues, and to be long-term enough to bother getting the testing done....I would still just like more hugs, or to hold hands with a friend like we're little Japanese school girls, etc....lol....