How to break out of viscious cirlce of addiction?

[EugeneTheSage]

There was a life chapter when because of compulsive behavior I've spent all my savings on pizza, lost my job, and made big debts. Now, after a few years I've closed debts, made new savings. My financial situation is the best I've ever had. March this year I've got initiated in Shambhavi Mahamudra Kriya meditation. After a lot of struggle, I've finally completed a 40-days mandala (doing the practice twice a day for 40 days after which it becomes much more powerful and then you continue to do it 1 time a day and it is as powerful as twice a day before). 2 months ago I was asking myself: "Am I feel depressed?" and my answer was "No" - the first time since 2 years ago. A month after that I noticed that I am happy - the first time in my life. Besides meditation, I've improved my eating habits, started eating a lot of green, lot of raw. 

But then harvest time had come (like 1,5 months ago) (I'm working on a cannabis farm). For a month I was working 12 hrs per day, without weekends. My day regimen had shifted to the second half of the day: I've begun going asleep in 01:00, sleeping 11hrs and waking up somewhere at 11:00. Why the fuck am I sleeping 11hrs? Even after this crazy harvest time had ended, I still can't fall asleep earlier than 01:00 (sometimes when I try to lay down at 22:30, I am restlessly wreaking the bed till 02:00). I still sleep for 11hrs.

When this crazy harvest began to fade off, and I've got more free time - what do you think I did? - do you think I've given myself time to loosen up? - No. I've continued pushing on 3d graphics after the main job. I was too thirsty for my passionate 3d design project. During this crazy harvest, I've got flashes of hatred for this job because I wanted so much to do a 3d graphic. But I knew I needed to finish the current project, though. So it was obvious I needed to have a rest after the harvest, but I did 3d graphics which backfired...

Because it was emotionally too much. I've returned to compulsive behavior which I thought I'd got rid of. I've started to order junk food and wasted a lot of my savings on that. Started masturbating more often, started watching some youtube videos, which I don't even enjoy.

The most important aspect of my current compulsive behavior is that it is a vicious circle:

1. I order food (Chinese noodles, westernized Indian fast food, pizza)
2. I can't fall asleep because I've overeaten and feelings of tension/stiffness in my thighs. There are also unpleasant sensations in my stomach. So I can't fall asleep before 01:00. Because I don't sleep well, my free will is weakened, therefore I eat junk food.
3. In the morning I can't do Shambhavi Mahamudra (because I am still stuffed), therefore my willpower is weakened
4. Because my day had started badly I can't do anything constructive, but just watch some videos on youtube and order some more food
5. Cycle continues

Additional contributors to my compullsivenesst:

1. feel like going outside and having a walk could be like a solution, but I am too lazy to do it. Besides it is cold outside.
2. Also, I have a bad domestic situation. Very uncomfortable living. Like if I have my hands dirty, or go to a toilet I need to go to another building (wear my coat) and wash them. Or sometimes in the morning, I need to wait 20mins before washing my teeth, because somebody is taking shower. I have a small fridge so I need to go to a grocery shop every couple of days. I go there by bicycle, so I can grab only as much as my backpack and bike's 'trunk' could bear. There is so much more stuff that drives me crazy

What makes things worse is that I am a home sitter and don't have a company of friends. I actually think loneliness is good. But people who live socially active life could just go with their friends for a party and 'reset' their minds and finish this vicious circle. But it is not easy for me.

The only thing I need is to break of perpetuating karmic circle. Then I can return to normal. I've done this many times before.

Moral of the story:

1. Don't overwork

Sorry for chaotic storytelling - it just reflects my current state of mind:)

[Ulax]

Attend trauma therapy. And look into IFS (internal Family systems Therapy) specifically.

[Cathal]

when you have time, not working and without 'doing' anything - thinking, going somewhere, distraction, prior to the compulsion, not trying to meditate, not with anyone, how do you feel? 

 

[EugeneTheSage]

I feel 'spineless'. That any activity is very complicated and I don't have enough free will to do simplest tasks. Maybe I choose compulsion, because performing any tasks brings psychological friction, tension

[Salvijus]

Shambhavi should help to lower the pulling gravity of addictions. But it only works if the practice is done consistently imo.

[Cathal]

@EugeneTheSage you always have the will. you're just choosing to avoid feeling the negative feelings that are the obstacle to the things you want. true you may have entangeled yourself with drugs/food/games/having no friends or whatever, but you have to begin sometime. to stop avoiding negativity and start accepting it and letting yourself feel it, taking action despite how you feel is the only way to change yourself. deep down you know exactly what you want, but things arise. unpleasent things you avoid, that you identify to be true and get lost in them

if you wait around for the 'right' feelings like motivation or pleasentness, you might be on your deathbed till you take the right step 

[EugeneTheSage]

@catcat69123 cna't argue you. You are right