Emotional Numbness?seeking advice!

[happyhappy]

I am quite new to spirituality and I honestly don't have much experience on spirituality and meditation..

to give a personal account of what brought me to this place, 

 for the past two years I was struck by an existential crisis as my stage orange / green dominant worldview broke down as I was pursuing personal development.

then, I was drawn into  new-agey side of personal development and started seeing the subjective nature of reality. with exposure stage green self dev stuff like manifestation , I wondered whether the hard  science that I devotedly believed in was actually true? I used to condemn all sorta stuff like energy healing, spiritual stuff  and religion as nonsense years ago! but, with directly experiencing various synchronicities and seeing how reality shifts as I change perspective took a massive blow on my materialist paradigm. 

 after vying for answers from reading all the scientific  research I  consumed, I came to conclusion that there was more than what we perceived to be. that consciousness at least plays some role in reality after reading  and applying the works of Maxwell Maltz, Joseph Murphy and many other philosophers. 

then I began  heavily studying about  various perspectives. I started learning Buddhism, Christianity , comparative religion ,history  . I was seeing how different lives were across the globe ,time and how all this seems to be like a matrix.   I was literally groundless and it came to a point where I was LOST!  simultaneously, my work life became a mess that I was confused wondering what to do with my life? is life even meaningful? I gave up on my relationships. I was soo hungry for a worldview that I even thought of converting into Christianity and say that it was the ultimate truth. yet, as I tried to reconcile all the aspects of reality upon their teachings and models, they all seemed to fail leading me to depression. 

as my worldview was collapsed, I started getting intrusive thoughts in my mind . I had thoughts  of the most horrible things I could think of like murdering my parents and driving over the pedestrians while driving.  I  thought of suicide as I did not wish to harm anyone . I  was scared whenever I saw sharp objects like knives... I informed my parents and  visited a shrink who said I was having depression, anxiety with OCD type intrusive thoughts. I was prescribed anti-depressants . my thoughts became coherent after several weeks of medication. therapist still recommended me to continue medication for another six months after recovery since I was feeling utterly nihilistic. 

I moved back to my parents and have been dependent on them since then. I quitted my work and decided to get my mind back and the sense of reality. this was when I found actualized.org and  nonduality. 

as I found nonduality as the only way to reconcile and stand my questioning process, I was beginning to accept it as plausible to be the case.   .so I spent majority of the day drawing parallels between concepts and questioning them . I had a ton of time for thinking as I was living like a parasite off my parents again.

next,  I  started heavily researching into spirituality and listen to a ton of various teachers of various traditions to make sense of the shit ! I started reading books of Ekchart Tolle and other spiritual teachers for answers. this existential crisis made me to question every damn thing I thought I knew about reality.

Everything is useless and meaningless in the grand scheme of things !

TLDR-

 but, here's my problem,

as I began to see that what I call as self itself as  an illusion and seeing how ego plays this game, I was beginning to lose myself.

I mean, I no longer feel like a person anymore!

I don't feel any fear whatsoever! I don't know if  something is wrong with me ? I don't see any meaning! I feel super detached from myself to the point I don't care whether I live or not!?   I don't feel any desire whatsoever! I used to be one of the most ambitious arrogant guys who had stupendous desires to be the best! now after all, I have no feelings of desire when I see the things I used to cling to! I almost feel like an emotionless zombie as I don't feel the urges of fear , anger, desire resentment ,jealousy. I feel a certain sense of peace  though. IS THIS WHAT THEY CALL' BEING ' STATE?

also please note that only techniques I used were long hours of contemplation and questioning.

my questions are  IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH ME?

IS THIS NORMAL TO NOT FEEL LIKE A SELF AND TO BE DETACHED FROM MYSELF ?

IS MY EMOTIONAL NUMBNESS and LACK OF DESIRE  A PROBLEM? 

what are your advice and what should I do? #

thanks in advance!❤?

 

 

[Salvijus]

I think you should take a brake from this nonsense spirituality phylosophy,  escpesially nonduality ? 

Include meditation in your routine. It will keep you sober and grounded will rise your awareness, make you more inteligent. 

This way, through meditation one day you will achieve real recognition of no self instead of this nondual mental masturbation ? self inquiry used by nondual teachers is supposed to be a meditative practice btw not a mental intellectual gymnastics.

?

Edited December 23, 2021 by Salvijus

[happyhappy]

@Salvijus of course thank you for ur advice!?  

I will try meditating ! 

cheers!

[Raze]

Look up depersonalization, derealization, disassociation, or depersonalization derealization disorder (DPDR)

if the symptoms of one of those sounds like you, look for resources to help it. I’ve heard exercise helps. You should also not meditate unless you get a coach who has experience with this, you can contact Michael Taft for more info,

 

I also suggest trying internal family systems therapy to reawaken emotions

Edited December 24, 2021 by Raze

[happyhappy]

3 hours ago, Raze said:

Look up depersonalization, derealization, disassociation, or depersonalization derealization disorder (DPDR)

if the symptoms of one of those sounds like you, look for resources to help it

it feels like depersonalization tooo...  

 

3 hours ago, Raze said:

I’ve heard exercise helps

thanks for the advice! i will look it up!.

namaste!

[Guest EmptyVase]

@happyhappy

In the past, did you do stuff to get something in return?

For example, studying for an exam to get a good result, instead of studying for studying's sake? Or working out to look good in the eyes of other people, instead of working out for the joy of it.

Was your life focused in this motivation-based way?

[Nahm]

This is emotional suppression and aversion via conceptual existential rumination, and that is conjecture (a learned “way”). It’s never too late to express earnestly & understand completely.

Emotional scale.

Expression journaling. 

Think ahead. Order a case of tissue. 

The “conclusion” that the concept of green (SD’s ideology) is prior to manifestation could certainly be let go. That’s a real stickler of a belief, as are nihilism & depression. Definitely don’t venture into solipsistic aversion next. Choose a practice instead. Imo, meditation first thing, everyday… preceded by clean diet, enough sleep, and some exercise. 

Like a canoe in a stream, there is a current. You don’t even have to paddle. You can just allow. 

A teaching worthy of one’s time imo, whereas this pimpin is an “art”. Imo, don’t blur the ‘line’, dispell it completely - make a dreamboard. 

Every. Day. 

Emotional numbness is not an emotion. 

You are absolutely innocent. 

[happyhappy]

On 12/24/2021 at 4:24 PM, EmptyVase said:

@happyhappy

In the past, did you do stuff to get something in return?

For example, studying for an exam to get a good result, instead of studying for studying's sake? Or working out to look good in the eyes of other people, instead of working out for the joy of it.

Was your life focused in this motivation-based way?

 

 

@EmptyVase yes!!! most of my life was centered around becoming the best ! u see,...I used to be a  strong stage orange dude !

individualistic, arrogant, success oriented and wealth drove me. back at school  , I often used to top the class and wanted to the best in academics. i wanted to prove myself out.. a little drop  in marks used to bring me a ton of stress+anxiety...  all other areas of my life too were built upon this premise.

seeing  the pointlessness of this rat race took a massive toll on me tbh!

but what do u think that this has to do with the emotion deidentification and numbness I am going through?

[tlowedajuicemayne]

Man I can 100% relate to you on this. I hope you don't mind if I give you some advice I wish someone would have gave me when I was going though this kind of thing.

This sounds a bit like you're spiritually bypassing. Meaning that there are large areas in your life that you are under-developed in and you're avoiding facing them by diving into some existential quest. I 100% could be wrong here but I'm just giving my face value assessment after reading your article.

I would recommend taking a break from what you think is spirituality and focus on dominating short term practical goals as well as beginning to see a therapist who can help you uncover some of these areas in your life you're not willing to face. 

The numbness and the deidentification, as well as the anxiety is probably emerging as an effect of your bypassing. This tends to happen when we reject or ignore our true desires, intentions, feelings, etc. Anxiety, depersonalization, depression etc. all emerge because we have dissociated from our bodies. This is quite common for spiritual practitioners to do because a lot of us get into spirituality as a means to 'escape'. But the truth is that there is no escape man. Reality is in your face and it isn't going anywhere. 

If you think that what you are going through is some kind of awakening, this is NOT true and you should discard any ideas like this because thoughts like this only perpetuate your current condition.

Also acknowledge, then ignore any thoughts similar to the ones you listed above- I feel so disconnected from myself, I am numb and can't feel emotions, etc...all of these thoughts are lies and only serve to perpetuate and aggravate this unpleasant situation you find yourself in.  So yeah, short term practical goals- start dominating those. Start running towards those problems. This will give you your power back. Stop the existential quest and focus on fixing your life. 

Find work, get out of your parents place, get a girlfriend, make friends, etc. But don't continue to go down this existential rabbit hole until you're at a place in your life where you've developed a strong and healthy ego, you've exhausted your worldly desires, and you have a true desire to learn the Truth. Otherwise you'll spend years going round and round in circles. 

Hope this helps!

[happyhappy]

On 12/24/2021 at 8:58 PM, Nahm said:

 

The “conclusion” that the concept of green (SD’s ideology) is prior to manifestation could certainly be let go.

@Nahm thank you for the kind reply! but, can u plz please elaborate on this a little bit?

 

On 12/24/2021 at 8:58 PM, Nahm said:

. Choose a practice instead. Imo, meditation first thing, everyday… preceded by clean diet, enough sleep, and some exercise. 

Like a canoe in a stream, there is a current. You don’t even have to paddle. You can just allow. 

of course! awwww...that really hits home! so the catch is that I better do real practices rather than trying to conceptualize this stuff right? 

I 'm gonna start some exercise plus meditation ASAP...

On 12/24/2021 at 8:58 PM, Nahm said:

Emotional numbness is not an emotion. 

yup! i guess soo...but how can I  rekindle them?

I tried watching some real gore videos depicting death, beheadings and shit even(to see if it stirs some emotion )...still I don't feel any fear , disgust or hate lol...

On 12/24/2021 at 8:58 PM, Nahm said:

Think ahead.

thank you once again!!???I will!!!

[happyhappy]

16 hours ago, tlowedajuicemayne said:

Man I can 100% relate to you on this. I hope you don't mind if I give you some advice I wish someone would have gave me when I was going though this kind of thing.

This sounds a bit like you're spiritually bypassing. Meaning that there are large areas in your life that you are under-developed in and you're avoiding facing them by diving into some existential quest. I 100% could be wrong here but I'm just giving my face value assessment after reading your article.

I would recommend taking a break from what you think is spirituality and focus on dominating short term practical goals as well as beginning to see a therapist who can help you uncover some of these areas in your life you're not willing to face. 

The numbness and the deidentification, as well as the anxiety is probably emerging as an effect of your bypassing. This tends to happen when we reject or ignore our true desires, intentions, feelings, etc. Anxiety, depersonalization, depression etc. all emerge because we have dissociated from our bodies. This is quite common for spiritual practitioners to do because a lot of us get into spirituality as a means to 'escape'. But the truth is that there is no escape man. Reality is in your face and it isn't going anywhere. 

If you think that what you are going through is some kind of awakening, this is NOT true and you should discard any ideas like this because thoughts like this only perpetuate your current condition.

Also acknowledge, then ignore any thoughts similar to the ones you listed above- I feel so disconnected from myself, I am numb and can't feel emotions, etc...all of these thoughts are lies and only serve to perpetuate and aggravate this unpleasant situation you find yourself in.  So yeah, short term practical goals- start dominating those. Start running towards those problems. This will give you your power back. Stop the existential quest and focus on fixing your life. 

Find work, get out of your parents place, get a girlfriend, make friends, etc. But don't continue to go down this existential rabbit hole until you're at a place in your life where you've developed a strong and healthy ego, you've exhausted your worldly desires, and you have a true desire to learn the Truth. Otherwise you'll spend years going round and round in circles. 

Hope this helps!

ohhhh mannn!! that was spot on !

the best advice I got tbh!! thank you bro... ????

 after seeing your post I thought I better stop this existential rumination and get my hands on the dirt. yess, I have been avoiding real world problems like crazy ! 

. I am in my early 20's soooooooo,  I lack much experience ,specially with spiritual stuff that I have been venturing for a while... this is one of the traps XD..

 

this reaallllyy helps mate !!!   thank you once again !!..???

 

 

 

[Nahm]

7 hours ago, happyhappy said:

thank you for the kind reply! but, can u plz please elaborate on this a little bit?

‘Conclusions’ aren’t conclusions, but are beliefs. These can be let go meditatively. 

Rekindle this whole place. ??  Godspeed & God bless! 

“Emotional numbness” and “lack of desire” are beliefs, conceptualizations. Peel them away revealing you are most certainly already feeling at full throttle. 

Make a dreamboard & use the emotional scale each day. ?? 

[Guest EmptyVase]

On 26.12.2021 at 3:44 PM, happyhappy said:

seeing  the pointlessness of this rat race took a massive toll on me tbh!

but what do u think that this has to do with the emotion deidentification and numbness I am going through?

If your "go-to approach" to accomplish things was just to get something in return, it can feel really empty/draining once you don't care about the outcome anymore. It seems to me like this motivation-based approach to life just doesn't do it for you at this point, and you feel it too. I wouldn't say it's the only cause for the numbness you're describing, but it could be one of many drivers. As it's already been suggested, you might wanna ask yourself what you want to do in your life, both from moment to moment, and also in the grander scheme of things. Maybe eating some ice cream. You don't do that for the outcome, right?

If you start to focus on reconnecting to your deepest desires, you will soon forget about the emotional numbness.

Doing things purely for the love of doing it is one of the most rewarding things in life. Being creative. Helping a brother out. Spending time with a nice girl. Earning a living by doing deeply fulfilling work. All of this is yet to be explored, and it's the most amazing journey that life gifted you.

What's it worth, if it ain't for love?

Edited December 27, 2021 by EmptyVase

[happyhappy]

16 hours ago, Whitesnow said:

may i know how old you are?

just 20 lol

I have a lot to fix ,don't I??

Edited December 28, 2021 by happyhappy

[happyhappy]

@Nahm thank you my friend! 

I think I somewhat get it.. it might get clearer as I go on.....

shall see how this all turns out in the grand scheme. 

you guys are the most supportive people I have found online!??

much love!

 

[happyhappy]

13 hours ago, EmptyVase said:

Doing things purely for the love of doing it is one of the most rewarding things in life. Being creative. Helping a brother out. Spending time with a nice girl. Earning a living by doing deeply fulfilling work. All of this is yet to be explored, and it's the most amazing journey that life gifted you.

What's it worth, if it ain't for love?

@EmptyVase

that really resonates with me! ! wise words indeed. 

13 hours ago, EmptyVase said:

If your "go-to approach" to accomplish things was just to get something in return, it can feel really empty/draining once you don't care about the outcome anymore. It seems to me like this motivation-based approach to life just doesn't do it for you at this point, and you feel it too. I wouldn't say it's the only cause for the numbness you're describing, but it could be one of many drivers. As it's already been suggested, you might wanna ask yourself what you want to do in your life, both from moment to moment, and also in the grander scheme of things. Maybe eating some ice cream. You don't do that for the outcome, right?

 surely I feel that this adress the core issue  here . I used to be extrinsically motivated rather than doing things for the joy/passion of doing!

  yesssss, this is a pointless game we lose anyways so why not enjoy huh?   

much love and thank you soo much for your time, energy and your wisdom in helping me out here! 

??

 

 

 

[Guest EmptyVase]

@happyhappy

Yep, all we got is the present moment, and that can be very joyful. What's the point? Now is the point.

Happy to help.