Addiction to fixing myself

[Ulax]

I'm addicted to fixing myself.

There is the belief that something is wrong with me, and I am constantly trying to fix myself.

Thing is I'm failing out of a very prestigious university because I can't concentrate well enough to study. And, that's with a hell of a lot of careful, deliberate and smart means I've researched and put in place to overcome this.

I also am completely numb to the world, and unable to make connection with anyone. I constantly dissociate. Its very serious C-PTSD/ BPD. I had/ have very narcissistic parents, as well as a lot of abuse by 'friends', and authority figures over the years.

Meditation, trauma therapy, healing, Pick up etc. for the past few years, working on being. And many more.

I'm in the following dilemma:

- The current way I live/ experience my life is not a life worth living

- Nothing I do makes a meaningful change

I welcome perspectives on this. I'd appreciate if the responses were explained in simple terms, and somewhat clearly :).

Thank you in advance

 

[Cathal]

who is trying to fix who?

[Breakingthewall]

the good thing is that you are on the right path. The bad is that narcissistic parents are probably affecting you much deeper than you think. there are layers and layers of lack of love, of manipulation, of deep fear, that you hide from yourself. it is something very sad and painful. a child is extremely sensitive to this type of way of being "evil", in the sense of without love. In addition, narcissists tend to undermine your security on purpose (unconsciously I suppose) in order to feel exalted. you, as a son, are just a bitch in which to see their greatness reflected, to feed their sick ego. they can only think about it and feel a terrible inner emptiness that they usually cover with addictions. being a child with these people around is a biblical proof. don't underestimate it. you have to redo your development, start from scratch. maybe leave the university, start an absolutely original path, yours. fight a lot, but it is what it is. the faster you do it, the better or this shit will weigh down your life, your relationships, and you'll run the risk of seeing yourself become a sad and loveless adult. you have to fight to the death for your life, all is in game

Edited December 23, 2021 by Breakingthewall

[Ulax]

@Breakingthewall Thank you. I appreciate your perspective.

[Salvijus]

@Ulax so what do you want? Happyness? Peace? Freedom from social pressures? 

Whatever it is. The answer to your problems is always the same - God.

Edited December 23, 2021 by Salvijus

[Ulax]

@Salvijus I disagree. I really don't see how that's helpful, either.

[Salvijus]

@Ulax if you tell me a different solution to misery then god/ truth/consciousness work, i'll be damned.

Edited December 23, 2021 by Salvijus

[Ulax]

@Salvijus I don't think you even believe it yourself. You just want to believe it.

It may well be true, but I sincerely doubt that you believe it out of anything other than spiritual bypassing.

What help is telling a person who has such issues as I discuss that what he really wants is God.

And, there will be plenty of solutions besides god.

[Preety_India]

I suffer from C-PTSD so I can relate. There is not much you can do. But continue to focus on healing 

I advise you to journal and keep journaling till you throw the trauma out of you. 

Currently this is my only solution. 

I get traumatic memories almost everyday. All I do is journaling about it as much as possible so at least I have peace of mind for that day. 

 

[Ulax]

@Preety_India Thank you.

I might try handwriting my journaling. I've recently been inspired to do it actually after watching, 'Girl, interrupted'.

[Preety_India]

@Ulax I did handwriting. My room got filled with sheets of paper and books that it started to fill the whole room. 

So i understood that there is no other option than digital journaling. 

 

Handwriting is only possible if you got little to write 

But if you were to observe patients then they have to write a lot on average. 

Handwriting won't help you for long. 

 

[Flowerfaeiry]

12 hours ago, Ulax said:

-the current way I live/ experience my life is not a life worth living

- Nothing I do makes a meaningful change

 

The things you are doing now are preparing you for your life ahead of you. 
 

It’s ok not to see meaningful change because your practices are still in you. Sometimes it takes awhile to look back and see “oh yea, all that stuff I did years ago is finally paying off”.

Life is a precious gift. Sit with your numbness. Rest. Don’t let society tell you you have to do and be so much. You are perfect. From a healed and gentle place, much growth happens. 

[flume]

On 23/12/2021 at 5:58 PM, Ulax said:

There is the belief that something is wrong with me

Now that's a belief someone installed in you... The question is: Who? Your parents?

On 23/12/2021 at 5:58 PM, Ulax said:

Meditation, trauma therapy, healing, Pick up etc. for the past few years,

What has worked for you? If any? (Genuinely interested to get some more details)

[Etherial Cat]

@Ulax

That's because you believe you need to accumulate social "proof of worth" in order to become loveable.

Nothing is ever enough, nor will be ever enough. It will just cause you restlessness, and if you succeed an ego inflation. Because what you have done is that you are delegating your love authority outwards. And it's pretty normal, because this is how we all grow up.

Real love is to be found within. It's available now and it is unconditional. 

I have this theory that the more one find itself unloveable, the less it is capable of finding the present moment bearable. And all goals and tasks are completed hastily because the mind is always searching fulfillement and the affection somewhere in the future. And the present moment becomes an obstacle towards the love we are searching.

Now, it doesn't mean you should stop achieving. But you should be mindful of the shadow motivations behind all the actions you take.

[Nahm]

On 12/23/2021 at 11:58 AM, Ulax said:

I'm addicted to fixing myself.

The addiction is to thoughts. Thoughts which don’t feel good, to you. 

Aversion, avoidance of understanding the emotions you’re experiencing often sounds like “something is wrong with me”. 

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There is the belief that something is wrong with me, and I am constantly trying to fix myself.

You’re constantly focusing on the discord of the thought. You can’t ‘fix a yourself’ because there isn’t a you & a yourself. You could fix a door, as there’s you & a door so to speak, but there is not a you and a yourself. Yourself is already perfect. It’s discordant beliefs which feel, discordant. (Not ‘something which is wrong with you’)  You can let discordant beliefs go, because you can pick how you feel over what you think, and focus on aligned feeling thoughts accordingly. 

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Thing is I'm failing out of a very prestigious university because I can't concentrate well enough to study. And, that's with a hell of a lot of careful, deliberate and smart means I've researched and put in place to overcome this.

Emotional misinterpretation diminishes the experience of focus. In communion focus in more than ample. It’s miraculous really. Literal magic. 

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I also am completely numb to the world, and unable to make connection with anyone. I constantly dissociate. Its very serious C-PTSD/ BPD. I had/ have very narcissistic parents, as well as a lot of abuse by 'friends', and authority figures over the years.

You’re not numb, you’re attributing the discord in feeling to other than what you’re thinkin, and how you’re thinkin. When you choose to start changing that, you start realizing you’ve never been numb, just transitioning from suppressing to expressing emotions. Suppression is narcissism’s bread & butter of control. Let the past be actual, passed, gone, not present. Let how you feel now be related to how you’re thinkin, now and clarity & focus ensue. Momentum builds.  

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Meditation, trauma therapy, healing, Pick up etc. for the past few years, working on being. And many more.

I'm in the following dilemma:

- The current way I live/ experience my life is not a life worth living

- Nothing I do makes a meaningful change

I welcome perspectives on this. I'd appreciate if the responses were explained in simple terms, and somewhat clearly :).

Thank you in advance

 

This is all because what you actually want, is to feel amazing everyday. 

You can. 

We all can. 

Come clean with yourself so to speak. Express. You’re not numb, you’re feeling the emotions on the lower end of the scale. Acknowledging this already feels better than suppressing this - and saying “I’m numb”. You’re not disassociating from anything but your own emotions, by claiming ‘numbness’. 

Narcissism is deep suffering my friend. Let them be them, and stop focusing on them so seriously. At all really. Attention only feeds their manipulating. That’s why they’re doing it. If you don’t feed them attention anymore… they resort to not suppressing anymore. 

Narcissism always involves two sets of rules to abide by, one for the narcissist, and another for everyone else. It’s projection of ignorance & suppression of fear, via control. It’s a lifestyle, and there is no length a narcissist won’t go to control. The narcissist attempts to control everyone & everything, as not to change any of ‘their rules’. Always yours. Thus a narcissist employs, utilizes… guilt, shame, belittling, demonizing, defamation, isolating you, etc, and essentially holds themself up as always ‘higher’ than everyone else, to control. 

You can notice this somewhat easily by noticing the conflict in what they say. One day x is true, next day x is not true. 

 

When you begin to express and understand emotions, you begin to see for yourself that how you are feeling is because of how you are thinking and what you are focusing on. Then, simultaneously, you realize this is true for every one. Then you see narcissism with compassion, you realize there is great suffering and great emotional aversion in their experience. You also see no one can help them with this. Only communion with source and acknowledging arrogance, vanity, pride, ambition, all ‘self’ serving mindsets etc. 

They’ll then seem to you like grown ups that never really grew up, and perpetuate this believing in fear, keeping it alive in their own experience by projecting it rather than understanding it, rather than refusing to acknowledge communion, refusing to stop manipulating themself by pedalstooling themself (self image thoughts addiction) and instead liberate via no longer defending a separate self, and instead expressing earnestly.

That’s not really your problem because it isn’t your business. Let them work it out with source themself.  There are lots of channels and videos on youtube about understanding narcissism. There is more than ample information of clarity available. Don’t ‘fix yourself’, educate yourself. Explore new perspectives & thoughts - which resonate - which are aligned. 

For clarity most specific to your situation… notice… without narcissists around - who’d be spreading the message of the existence of fear, and manipulating you such that there is something wrong with you that needs to be fixed or improved, and that they have or are the solution, etc. “Around” is contingent on you giving them your attention. It’s also an option, not to. Let that “message” point you straight to truth, to the love within. Feel & know the love that is, by feeling the discord with what you hear, what narcissists tell you to think. Wish them well, think, know, believe - they have a source they can commune with just like you. 

Bending the spoon is impossible. 

- The current way I live/ experience my life is not a life worth living

Emotion will make the difference. 

- Nothing I do makes a meaningful change

It is like vacuuming the floor, but with the vacuum plugged in now. Now, there is change. Same ‘motions’, just plugged in. 

 

???

[mememe]

@Ulax might be that the feeling of wanting to fix oneself is indeed a perfectionism applied by the constant feeling of never being enough or sufficient. it might be interesting in which aspects of yourself you feel you need fixing, or are overly perfectionistic, to then actually really fix sth, because there def might be a hole to be fixed.

fixing stuff or even situations is in itself a skill and not a burden.

how much are you into chakra work? i realized a lot of my pains related to a narcissistic parent came from this person questioning the right to my existence, which is a constant threat to the muladhara chakra. only after finding ways to understand that this is a threat and not truth but manifesting in reappearing pain which is channeled as behavior where i sabotage myself, i could start to heal.

Edited December 28, 2021 by mememe

[MilenaS]

On 23.12.2021 at 5:58 PM, Ulax said:

Thing is I'm failing out of a very prestigious university because I can't concentrate well enough to study. And, that's with a hell of a lot of careful, deliberate and smart means I've researched and put in place to overcome this.

Do you feel that you have picked the right subject to study? Maybe you should study another field.

Regarding what you said that you feel that nothing that you do make a meaningful change, maybe start doing charity, or something with intention to help others. Personally I had, and still have sometimes, the same feeling - that what I do is only for myself and thus has no real impact. What helped me a lot is doing things that I say have real positive impact on someone. It's important that you clearly see this impact. 

Do you have a values system? I think that could help you overcome the feeling of numbness. The dissociation can be a result of you not doing what your soul craves. Maybe you are not listening to your desire to express yourself in some way, maybe you are not following your passion. Ask yourself a question: is there something I would like to learn/somewhere to go/something I want to talk about but I'm avoiding it? It there is something I avoid doing/saying, is it possible to be courageous and do/say that?

Could it also be that you are addicted to fixing the belief that you hold that something is wrong with you? Maybe it would be helpful to you to accept the fact that you belief so, to feel deeply into the feeling of being inadequate and not trying to change the very fact that you want to change yourself.

Have you tried to practise being a parent to yourself? You can give to yourself what you weren't getting from your parents. Writing to yourself in a journal in a loving way, holding your own shoulders, visualizing yourself with ideal parents. I don't know what kind of therapy works best for you, what tools you use, but if you are aware of which tools help, try using them to give yourself love and acceptance.