Emotions part 1

[Preety_India]

I think majority of my wounds come from my mother. It's how she completely neglected me when I was a child. 

I was never appreciated.. 

Those feelings are hard to beat. They stick with you and with every situation, these feelings are repeatedly triggered. 

How can you fill a void that is empty? 

It simply looks impossible. 

I'm crying right now because the hurt and pain is simply unbearable. 

 

[Preety_India]

Just now, Marcel said:

@Preety_India  

I can relate. I feel you hun 

My dad doesn’t talk to me and my mom tells how shit everything is because I’m only child and that she wants to die because of it.

My grandpa had enormous mood swings, so I constantly felt unsafe and as lovely as my grandma is I could never open up to her and I lost all confidence in my words or significance that I couldn’t help my mom and was upset that my family didn’t believe in me / rep reminded me for thinking  could help.

I love you hun 

This wound will heal. It slowly does for me, you make me feel loved and wanted and I hope I can do the same for you ❤️

You definitely make me feel wanted. However there are some things that I need to work on. 

Primarily I want to feel a bit positive. The constant feeling of void inside is troubling me. It has a lot to do with my mother and how she treated me. I think I really and terribly needed the validation of my mother. However her abandonment  of me meant I felt like a piece of trash. 

I think somewhere I wanted my family to accept me but that never happened. 

I mean I have a mother who refuses to talk to me but is more interested in talking to her neighbors. Right now she is talking to guests. She barely talks to me and it's usually in a very dismissive manner. One of the guests even sarcastically suggested that she should probably spend more time with me than other people. Because she is completely clueless. It's almost like I'm totally invisible to her, like tunnel vision. She only talks to me if she has something to be done. I could literally be dead in my room and she wouldn't even know. She talks to everyone except her own child. Right now she is loudly laughing with other people. 

It's hard because growing up she never gave me any attention, care or even barely a hug. Just total emotional neglect. 

It hurt like hell. There was no love, no understanding, no care. 

Pure narcissistic abuse and neglect. 

I grew up feeling abandoned, unwanted and discarded. 

I still feel that void. 

I am still trying to figure out how I can feel a bit more tethered and less lonely/depressed. Obviously I have to work on my trauma and the majority of my time in January will be spent in researching resources for those who feel lonely /deeply /neglected /traumatized. 

I just want to escape the emotional hell that my PTSD created for the last 3 years. I don't want to feel ignored or neglected anymore. I don't want to feel unworthy anymore. Narcissistic parents do a lot of damage to their kids. I'm finally coming to terms with it. It's hard. Maybe someday my own experience of narcissistic abuse might help neglected kids understand why they feel what they feel. I really want to work in the areas of child abuse as a psychologist (I have classes scheduled next year), and help children deal with whatever I had to deal with. I don't want a child to go through the emotional hell that I went through.. 

 

 

[Preety_India]

1 minute ago, Marcel said:

I don’t even know what to say.

I wish I was with you right now.

I see myself in this a lot. I didn’t go through narcissistic abuse I think and I suppose I don’t have PTSD either, but I can relate to everything you said.

“I grew up feeling abandoned, unwanted and discarded.  I still feel that void.”

I know this is a though thing to handle. I remember once when I was still in school I was sick and nobody even noticed that I wasn’t there, because I was that quiet. 

I felt invisible my whole life, just kinda got pushed along with the system and everyone else just seemed to follow it, without any second thoughts. It made my crazy 

I don’t know if my response makes sense, I’m a bit all over the place hehe 

At least your experience will help other children. You will be a great psychologist hun I believe in you wholeheartedly ❤️

You’ll do a lot of good hun.

I am so proud of you hun.You are a very strong person and I love and adore you forever.

 

I appreciate your caring. 

It means a lot to me. 

 

[Preety_India]

I'm trying to bring things together. 

I'm trying to reflect on the nature of reality. 

 

[Preety_India]

"I don't have time for petty drama" 

Something I need to tell myself more often. 

 

[Preety_India]

I have especially been feeling suicidal today. 

I don't know why. 

Maybe the guests who came aroused my feelings of anxiety and withdrawal. 

I hate my family. They are very cold and distant. They say nothing. Everything they say is devoid of any affection or warmth. 

I try to approach them  happily and I'm constantly put down and dismissed. 

If there is an occasion for dinner or a get together, everyone talks to one another except for me. Nobody talks to me even if I try to talk. It constantly creates a painful feeling. 

Like being treated like a discard. 

I don't want to keep people pleasing because that's not a great idea. It only leads to continuation of feeling neglected. 

I don't even know how to deal with feeling unloved. I mean how much can you try. At some point I give up. Because there is no point. There is no point in being sweet because they act cold and look away. 

So the best is that I keep to myself. 

Generally people speak to me only if they need me for something. That feels like being used. 

 

 

[Preety_India]

 

I think one of the reasons why I feel so depressed is because I placed quite high expectations on everything. 

Now I'm looking at the environment as some basic cheap ass hotel (you know those kinds that you see in tourist places), where cheap people buy tickets, dance on the floor, drink vodka and sell drugs to each other and then next morning many guests realize that they have been scammed and many women realize that they have been taken advantage of. It leads to nothing but feelings of emptiness and zero love/intimacy/compassion or Purity. It leads to feelings of not being considered or simply just another ATM machine for people to use as they please. 

I'll call it the Grove hotel. 

I remember when visiting a coastal city, I came across a hotel with that type of name and the moment I entered it, it felt gross and cheap, scammy people all around, shady peeps who would deal drugs and conspire to kill someone, a weird vibe like nobody cared and nobody could make you feel secured, just unusual and straight out of some sleazy stuff, everyone doing alcohol to see if they could get someone drunk to get their money. Golddiggers swarmed that place. Men who appeared polished, it was all an act. If someone got murdered they would cover it up. Because reputation  was more important than quality of service. 

 

 

[Preety_India]

I have decided to stay away from that hotel once and for all. 

You would better be careful to not get duped when you stay at one of these  hotels. 

The only way to deal with that is to give it what it deserves.. Zero investment. .

 

Edited December 28, 2021 by Preety_India