Emotions part 1

[Preety_India]

SDMC - spiritual dick measuring contest. 

 

[Preety_India]

4 hours ago, Marcel said:

Yeah that’s a hilariously dumb contest.

Seeing People who try to outspiritualise each other is pretty fascinating. 

Yup I know right. 

 

[Preety_India]

 

Update 3 December 27

 

This place is not safe. At least it does not give a safe feeling. 

Update 4  December 27

Maybe I'm a bit afraid of private discussions. 

 

Edited December 27, 2021 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

Sometimes I feel like I have known so much about the world, people and life that I don't even need to know anymore.

It has wisened me way beyond my years. 

Life has taught me some tough lessons 

 

But most importantly it can be a very frightening experience when you feel like you know more than I should. 

Sometimes I meet someone and I instantly know everything about them even without communicating. 

This has happened so many times. 

Like I have warned my mother against people who were out to scam her in some way and I instantly alerted her to that. 

It is a good feeling to know shit before it happens. It is also a bad feeling because you suddenly feel like you know more than you should. 

It makes you negative? 

Maybe it makes you resent life and humanity? 

Maybe it makes you wanna drink yourself to death because you know so much that you can almost feel all the sadness around, you can feel all the shallowness, you can feel someone's pain. And it can cause you agony? 

I have had those moments. 

Like nothing made any sense. Everything felt useless. Everything felt like I knew it already. The same old game. The same old corruption. The same old politics. The same old outcome. The same old good versus evil. The same honest humble people going down. The same old innocent people falling through the cracks. 

It's almost like the world went on and on and in the same manner and it will continue to repeat older patterns of brutality and destruction of beauty. 

What happens when you get wiser? 

You see all the stupidity around and witness all the pointlessness and realize it's never going to change. 

Maybe this is how philosophers in olden days felt. They saw the stupidity of society. They could not bear it. They did not want to be a part of it. 

 

[Preety_India]

Everyday I grow a new light bulb in my brain. 

I think to myself to what extent is this forum useful or harmful? 

Can a place that seemingly looks useful also be harmful? 

Can it change your psyche irreversibly? 

What if you're not allowed to be yourself? 

Should you change who you are? 

Wouldn't that mean that you're literally abusing yourself.. 

How does it feel that you express pain but in return you get whipped by a cane or a hook? 

Like an elephant in captivity? 

How does it feel? 

Don't you feel like you are not free in that place? 

Yessssss. 

When something doesn't feel right, most likely it isn't. 

If you're in toxic relationships, you often run into feelings where it doesn't feel right. And if it doesn't, most likely it isn't. 

So if you are in a place that doesn't feel right, most likely it isn't. Do you understand this fundamental paradox? 

You cannot make something feel right. Because if it's isn't, then it simply cannot be changed, it's beyond you. There are forces at work that you don't understand. It's like a rubiks cube (remember what I wrote one day), you as a simple normal person /what they call as normie, cannot grasp the complexity at play. The factors that are finally coming together to bring a negative outcome. 

 

 

[Preety_India]

My opinion is that you shouldn't change who you are unless it's absolutely necessary. 

You shouldn't have to. Any system that enforces you to change is a bad system. Because it needs to contain you or not  change you. Wouldn't a system  be like a cult operating within itself if you were rigorously treated whenever you voiced a concern. How would that be a safe and a foolproof system? 

In third world countries people usually face this conundrum where they have to rebel an Authority or to conform? 

Why else would you want to scream at the top of your lungs if you were feeling completely alright? Notice this. 

It's all about understanding. Understanding the root of the root.. A place that involves intense politics will obviously have consequences. Like the place I live in. Those who have a tendency to engage in things that create chaos will always create chaos no matter what. My mom used to tell me (when I was a kid) that when someone does something wrong like bad karma, they will continue doing and reach a point of no return. And then their actions will cause irreversible harm and damage and everything will reflect it. They might assume that they are only doing it once and they don't have to worry anymore, but it doesn't work like that, it continues like a cycle  on and on and some day the cycle comes to an end. 

It's a continuation of all our actions and all our karma. It goes on and on. And one day it all spills out. 

 

Edited December 27, 2021 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

I'm still experiencing the same symptoms. 

 

[Preety_India]

It's not a supportive community. At least I have never felt like this. 

The proposed solutions that I have is this 

- make people follow ethics 

- allow confrontations in the open. 

- openly confront people 

It feels like the idea/concept was born out of a good purpose to help people. Yet the execution was not right. There is no point in hiding things behind forum walls. It only makes festering problems worse and this will only exacerbate over time. 

Like I said before it's like a rubiks cube.. There are layers to it. 

 

 

 

Edited December 27, 2021 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

Also I feel like a lot of stuff that Leo says doesn't make sense or that it creates confusion. And that's unhealthy. 

Because it doesn't look practically applicable. 

This is a form of delusion. Because it makes you believe that something is possible but when you try to apply it to real life situations, it doesn't work. 

This is what I meant by "freeing myself from Delusions." you simply cannot go on with an idealogy in life like I always used to. It clashes with reality at some point. You'll have to acknowledge aspects of reality that are simply unchangeable. 

You cannot magically make your past disappear. 

It won't go away. It won't change. 

Living in denial is living in falsehood. 

At some point this delusion has to break. 

You need to outgrow your ideological state of mind that believes that anything and everything is possible. 

This thought came to me yesterday that I lived in an ideological state for so long. I simply didn't want to break out of it because reality was far too uncomfortable to deal with. So yes ideology made sense. 

Yet when I pondered deeper into it, I asked myself this question — what if I never acknowledged reality for what it is, and what would happen if reality kept continuing in its own way. Wouldn't that be like deluding myself? 

How would survival make any sense if I kept running away from it? 

There were suddenly aspects appearing in my mind like - someone falling ill, someone becoming victim of corruption, someone being punished for being honest. 

Can my ideology accommodate these realities? 

And then suddenly whatever Leo said did not make any sense at all. 

Leo talked about love. But how would love make any sense in a world full of division? 

Yea you have lots of thoughts in your mind on how things should happen, what good you can create in this world. Yet.... It doesn't exactly go according to plan. 

Things finally unfold as reality becomes crystal clear and sharp and eventually events unfold in such a way that you start to see the Brutal face of reality and it dawns on you that all that you thought and all that you planned has simply turned into a futile adventure / it was only in your head after all. What's the point if reality had to completely invalidate all your theories and dreams and beliefs. 

This is where you delude yourself into thinking about all sorts of things that will change reality 

I'm not saying that reality can't be changed. 

For example, there are more vegans today than let's say 300 years ago. Yes reality does change. Reality has changed with respect to veganism.

But you have to see context. Reality is only changing when you see the roots of such a fundamental change. 

 

Reality does not change if there is no context. If you don't see a Foundation. You can literally see that things are either stagnant or very bad. 

 

I almost came to my last spiritual concept. And that is acceptance of reality. 

My spirituality Ascended into different stages. 3 stages particularly. 

The first stage was empathy and compassion and they were absolutely the most important spiritual qualities to have.. 

The second stage was when I realized that wisdom and judgement were the top spiritual values and not compassion.. 

And the last stage is where I realize that without embracing reality, true spirituality is incomplete. 

So you got 3 

• Compassion (obviously there is no denying that compassion is necessary)
• Wisdom and judgement
• Accepting and embracing reality rather than fighting it. 

This makes a lot of sense spiritually to me. 

 

 

 

Edited December 27, 2021 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

I had a wonderful insight just now 

This will go well with my spiritual concepts 

 

It is about the nature of reality. 

I think that there are two types of realities - one is constructive reality and the other is destructive reality. 

Lets explain with an example. 

Lets say you have an item dispenser in a room. Imagine the room to be a huge place. Now if you lose anything here it's hard to find. The easier option is to use the dispenser machine. Press the button on the machine and you instantly get whatever you were looking for. This is scenario 1.

Scenario 2 is that the dispenser button doesn't work. So you keep pressing it, and nothing happens. In this case, you have to fetch the item yourself by looking for it throughout the whole room. Or you keep trying to repair the dispenser and wait for your item, but any of these is simply waste of time. 

How you adjust and adapt to these realities is all up to you. 

There are 3 components here 

• Awareness of reality 
• Understanding of reality 
• Adapting to reality 

You have to first be aware that a certain reality exists. A certain frame exists. You have to be able to perfectly recognize and grasp this reality. This is the awareness stage. 

The second stage is the understanding stage. In this stage, you have to understand and differentiate between constructive reality and destructive reality. You have to understand what kind of reality you're exactly dealing with. 

 

The third stage is where you need to adapt to this reality. 

 

In this stage you learn to either adapt to your constructive reality or you dissociate from destructive reality. 

You're foolish if you don't adapt to constructive reality. You're unaware and naive if you don't dissociate from destructive reality. 

Foolish means you're simply not using enough common sense. 

Naive means you're not well aware of certain things. You probably could have done better if only you had known better. 

 

Now consider scenario 1. 

The reality is that the dispenser works.  But if you don't recognize  this, you might end up wasting your time searching the whole room for the item. It would be foolish to not try the button at all.  Maybe it could have saved all the effort. So not using the dispenser button is not adapting to reality. It's a constructive reality and getting along with constructive reality is wisdom. Getting away from constructive reality is detrimental and a waste of time. You're doing things that you shouldn't be investing your time and resources into. This is very harmful and it's stupid. 

Now consider scenario 2

The dispenser doesn't work. In this case,  if you keep trying yo work with it, that's like not being able to properly adjust to reality, not realizing that you're constantly trying to adapt to it, when such an option won't work at all. You're constantly trying to repair something that simply won't work. That's a waste of time. And it's detrimental. It's like trying to fix an abusive relationship thinking that it would be alright one day,  hoping that things will be better, this is a false hope. This doesn't work. You continue to lose more time ending up with nothing and things keep getting worse.  Instead you could have used this time to better other areas of your life. It's a snowballing effect. You're engaged with something thats a permanent source of negativity and the more you engage with it, the worse it gets. It's best to dissociate yourself from trying to fix the dispenser and wasting time on it.. 

You have to realize that trying to adapt to it is a waste of time and effort and is eventually a lose lose game. It leads you downspiralling into more chaos and problems. You are frustrated that you just can't fix it. You keep spending more time trying to fix when the real solution is not "trying to fix it, " but to understand and see how much damage it has already done and how much more damage it can cause if you continue thinking that you can fix it. 

Another example that I can come up with is that of - a government bank that just does not do it's job and continues to  make you wait till eternity versus a private bank that easily and quickly handles the task and delivers you a result. 

You have to switch from the government bank to the private bank to get peace of mind. 

In short change your reality. 

Learn when to adapt to it and when to dissociate from it. 

 

This was an important spiritual lesson. 

 

 

 

Edited December 27, 2021 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

 

 

[Preety_India]

I was having some trouble processing some posts. I did not know how to deal with it. 

And now this insight really helps me. 

2 hours ago, RickyFitts said:

@Preety_India It's a decision I've made based on the poster's previous posts, I just don't see what's to be gained by reading the views of a person that I find ignorant/obnoxious/arrogant, etc., or that just don't make much sense to me. I see little value in getting into ill-tempered arguments with strangers on the internet, I prefer to keep things as constructive and/or good-natured as possible (I don't always succeed, I have to say).

 

This was explained in a very smart succinct manner. I don't know why I'm conducive to some pieces of advice and not to others. I become almost non - permeable to some advice even though it's exactly the same. It's like a mental block. When one person says some thing it doesn't feel right or acceptable to me, my brain strictly scans for logic and if I see no logic it quickly abandons that idea. Maybe this is an INTP trait. Whereas when another person says the same thing, I feel like it resonates perfectly because the logic is explained so clearly. 

I like that. 

I'll kinda type it again because it makes so much sense. 

See this is what I call an authentic interaction. Plain logical, simply, no nonsense and no bullshit, to the point and succinct. Also concise and short. So I don't spend too much time reading. 

It's a decision I've made based on the poster's previous posts, I just don't see what's to be gained by reading the views of a person that I find ignorant/obnoxious/arrogant, etc., or that just don't make much sense to me. I see little value in getting into ill-tempered arguments with strangers on the internet, I prefer to keep things as constructive and/or good-natured as possible (I don't always succeed, I have to say).

 

 

 

Wow. Talking to you helped me so much. I was praying in the morning for some breakthrough insight, I was almost miserable. I wanted to desperately talk to someone about how I was feeling. I was scratching my brain and I felt empty like there was no insight no matter how deep I went into my thoughts.

But what you said came like a beautiful insight into what I was already contemplating on. See this is the beauty of the forum. If I approached someone directly, I got zero response or they are too busy to care. And now having a casual conversation with you and I instantly get my answer.. Funny how synchronicity works. 

 

 

Edited December 28, 2021 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

 

Also I had a wonderful interaction that helped me open up about my own behavior and gave me key insights. 

A transcript of this interaction. 

 

 

 If you just took any individual you had a problem with to a private message and discussed your boundaries and intentions there, things would work out much better for you. Publicly writing posts that are conflicting in nature and are ambiguously directed at people is bound to trigger and upset some who may not even have any problems with you. aren't directed at anyone, yet clearly show frustration with individuals in an unclear manner. If you just confront people face to face and agree to disagree, all your frustrations would disappear. 

 

This piece of advice was really helpful. Instead of venting my frustration I could simply talk it all out. Problem solved. 

So if someone breaks my boundaries I can simply let them know in clear terms. 

 

Edited December 28, 2021 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

 

 Ironically I thought that public  writing would clear people's misconceptions about me.  It seems absurd. I am no angel I agree and I might have entered some gossip. I have almost forgotten and ever since then I refrained from engaging in any gossip and improved my behavior. I also tried to look into how my own behavior might have innocently and naively (since in my heart I never had any bad intentions)  And I cleared up that behavior.   else? But it's good advice that you have given me.. You're right. I didn't take into account that it would upset. I thought I was simply presenting my side of things for clarity.  So it causes feelings to bottle up and then those bottled up feelings find a public venting.  It doesn't allow space for resolution. 

Edited December 28, 2021 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

Another excellent insight I had into my behavior was this. 

Im the exact opposite of it. I never directly approach someone negatively. The only problem I face constantly is the awful amount of negativity thrown at me and I'm not good at handling conflict and negativity at all. I get triggered no matter how I hard I try not to think about it. This has a deep relationship with my trauma. My mom used to constantly start conflict with me and my dad, it caused me to be traumatized in childhood. So anytime anyone said something critical or started a conflict, it would send me into an overdrive of defensiveness, aggression, high temper, because it resurfaces my trauma and causes me to have a trigger reaction. It is something that my brain automatically generates. Because I was bullied all my life by my mom, even little negative things send me into a panic mode. That's why I tend to react very badly whenever someone takes a jab at me. It directly triggers the underlying trauma. 

 

[Preety_India]

This is a great insight into how trauma leads to triggered reactions. 

It's pretty simple. If a child was bullied for being fat, they would carry that trauma into adulthood. Now if someone called them fat, it's going to trigger a bad reaction. People will accuse the individual of over reacting and or being entitled or arrogant or narcissistic when in reality the person is only reacting out of hypersensitivity caused by trauma around body fat. It's best if people gave that person space, respected their boundaries and stopped calling that person fat. 

Edited December 28, 2021 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

 

Actually thanks for being frank and open with me and honest. Honest feedback helps me a lot. This discussion helped me open up perspectives and insights into my own behavior and how it is being perceived. And also the causes behind it. It helped me understand a lot. So I'm extremely grateful for your feedback. See this is what I like. Genuine and honest feedback in a calm manner.  I literally don't feel any aggression or false accusation. Just simple plain feedback. I wish more  people were like that instead of making up some nonsense and simply trying to trigger. 

 

[Preety_India]

 

Actually thanks for being frank and open with me and honest. Honest feedback helps me a lot. This discussion helped me open up perspectives and insights into my own behavior and how it is being perceived. And also the causes behind it. It helped me understand a lot. So I'm extremely grateful for your feedback. See this is what I like. Genuine and honest feedback in a calm manner.  I literally don't feel any aggression or false accusation. Just simple plain feedback. I wish more  people were like that instead of making up some nonsense and simply trying to trigger. 

Above was a great example of a productive interaction. 

It helps me get a few insights into situations regarding interactions. 

I still suck at social skills and it obviously hurts my position very badly. 

 

[Preety_India]

Since two days I have been feeling very lonely and depressed. 

I don't know why. I really don't know if I can put my finger on it. 

I don't understand why it's happening. 

It's like i want to cry a lot... All the memories keep coming back, PTSD flashbacks. 

It's tough. 

I guess one primary source of this feeling is not wanted by my mom, feeling unwanted, undesired or feeling unloved which I felt for a significant portion of both my childhood and teenage years.. 

Growing up feeling disconnected, not having a sense of family or foundation, feeling like an orphan. 

 

This created a lifelong feeling of unloved, unbelonged, unaccepted and it turned into a deep wound that led to depression and self destructive behavior. 

 

[Preety_India]

I think when someone doesn't want to talk to me, ignores me, abandons me, these feelings of not being accepted or respected keep coming back. They create a void and every such incident keeps reiterating that feeling of a void. 

 

Yes for the majority of my life I felt extremely fragile and alone. 

It was very hurtful.