Emotions part 1

[Preety_India]

I don't know where this is going. 

 

[Preety_India]

My mother is a sociopath. I really don't know how to deal with her.. 

[Preety_India]

I've been feeling mentally and emotionally weak for the past couple of days. And I'm trying to keep myself stable as much as possible. 

This is hard work. I have to constantly journal to be consistent with my feelings. 

Update 1 December 23 8 am 

 

 

 

Update 2 December 23 

 

 

 

Update 3 December 23 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited December 23, 2021 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

@Marcel

[Preety_India]

 

Update 1 December 23 

I'm feeling a bit okayish right now. 

My whole day was okay. I did not achieve much. Because I felt lazy. I had other stuff on my mind. 

I'm more conscious of time now. This type of journaling with updates helps me process things quickly. 

Update 2 December 23 

My last journal - "my personal feelings part 1" was highly successful in helping me document my emotions. This kind of documentation helped me feel emotionally stable for longer periods of time than before. 

 

 

Update 3 December 23 

I'll have to go through the journal many times. I finally found a journal format that suits my needs. I want to continuously journal everything I feel from time to time. This way I'm quite aware of how my mind is functioning and it helps me keep track on my emotions 

 

Update 4  December 23 

9.39 pm

Feeling okay 

 

 

Edited December 23, 2021 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

 

Update 1 December 24

4 am 

I'm shaking and shivering. It's cold here and I've been trying my best to cope with it. 

Even blankets aren't helping me. It's like I need extra blankets. 

Update 2 December 24

Right now it's 5 am and I'm thinking about Marcel. @Marcel you make me so happy. You are my one and only. Earlier I was thinking about you and jumping with joy on my cozy bed. You are the love and breath of my life. I want to make a nice round snow ball and throw at you. And then I'll run away. I want to wear your nice warm jacket. In your arms it's heaven. 

I'm twirling twirling twirling thinking about you. 
 

 

Update 3 December 24

 

 

 

 

Update 4 December 24

 

 

Planner 

* book gas 

* remove bottles 

* b complex bottle 

* return utensil

*laundry dress 

*shower, hair styling 

Order Kajal. 

 

Update 5 December 24

 

 

 

Update 6 December 24 

 

 

This is me 

 

This is you 

 

 

 

This is me your hamster 

 

This is me sleeping with you in a sock blanket. 

 

This is me a deer 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Update 6 December 24 

 

Planner 

 

* book gas... Did not do it. Do it tomorrow. 

 

* remove bottles.. Done 

 

* b complex bottle and diabetes medication.. Not done. Do it tomorrow. 

 

* return utensil.... Done. 

 

*laundry red  dress.... done. Overcoat not done 

 

*shower, hair styling..... Hair styling is still pending. 

 

Order Kajal...... Done 

 

 

Edited December 24, 2021 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

@Marcel thank you my love. Very gracious of you 

I asked you a question in another journal. 

 

[Preety_India]

 

Update 7 December 24 

I have permanently moved into the garden. 

 

 

Update 8  December 24 

 

Hun I really enjoyed the Popsicles you made for me

 

 

Update 9  December 24 

I need a couple of water bottles. A makeshift bed. A lip balm. Some blankets. My keys. A lavender talc. A stand to keep my lunch plate. A yoga mat. 

And I'm done with the arrangement. 

And I need a book to read. 

 

Update 10  December 24 

 

@marcel   You're definitely that.   Hehe 

 

 

Update 11   December 24 

 

 

 

 

 

Update 12  December 24 

 

 

 

Update 14 December 24 

Sometimes morbid thoughts run through 

 

Edited December 24, 2021 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

 

Update 1 December 25

I still don't have a proper bed to sleep. The bed that I'm currently sleeping in is causing me neck pain. I feel like nobody gives a fuck how I feel. I need to move out of the bed I'm sleeping in. 

And make a proper arrangement for a bed. I have been sleeping on chairs and suffering insomnia. 

I got a Christmas wreath and a Christmas tree. I decorated my Christmas tree. I still feel awful. 

I need to try some relaxation exercises. 

 

15 updates throughout the day looks okay to me. This is a good way of keeping track of my emotions. 

 

Update 6 December 25 

 

 

 

Edited December 24, 2021 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

 

Update 6 December 25 

So today is 25 December and my chest is pounding. My mom has invited some guests today. I don't want to meet them because I'm feeling anxious.. 

I barely had any sleep. 

 

The problem that I'm describing here. 

 

I just wish to sleep in his arms and forget all my worries. 

 

Edited December 25, 2021 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

Update 7 December 25

I woke up feeling anxious and stressed out. If I sleep on the floor, it will hurt my back. I just woke up sleeping on the chair. And my body is hurting terribly.. 

All her nonsense that I have to deal with. 

So tired. My eyes are burning. 

If I don't get proper sleep, I don't feel good. 

I feel like punching a wall right now. 

I'm so done with this woman's drama. 

Here I can't sleep and she is worried about guests. I have never seen a more dumber person in my life. 

Everyone cares about their family first. She cares about what other people think more than she would about her husband or kids. 

I am like Fuck that... You bitch. 

You should first care about your husband and your children, you dumb bitch. 

I'm so angry, the way I get treated all the time, like a piece of toilet paper. How dare can a woman treat her own children like disposables??? 

 

 

[Preety_India]

One day I was sleeping on a cold hard floor with only a blanket for comfort. 

And this dumb woman took my blanket and gave it to a guest and I slept in the Coldness all night feeling feverish next morning. I was a kid back then. 

How can someone do this to their kids?

Absolutely zero consideration for their own child. 

I had a thick sweater that I had got on a London trip 

It was really thick and great for protection during winter. 

And one day I saw my maid wearing it 

I was like what the fuck? 

And my mom told me she gave it to her because she thought it wasn't too fancy. I'm like what —you gave my sweater to the maid, without even asking me, because that was the only sweater that gave me some protection during winter? 

I'm absolutely angry with this woman for constantly breaking my boundaries ever since I was a kid? 

She has ruined my health as a child by her stupidity and I'm still having to pay the price of her negligence. 

 

 

[Preety_India]

Yesterday she put on the music so loud, the entire house was filled with it. 

I went out into the garden for peace of mind. 

Who Plays music this loud that everyone wakes up? 

No manners at all 

I'm so angry. 

I have to deal with someone who is low conscious and cheap 

 

I just hate this crap 

 

I like decent peaceful people, not people who play loud music and don't have any consideration for how another person might suffer. 

And then she will turn around and tell me that she cares about me. 

No you don't care about me. You only care about yourself. You never cared about your kids or husband. That's why he died early tolerating your nonsense. You made him work 24/7..because you wanted money. You didn't give a damn about his complaints.

And then you made your children work. You only wanted kids as slaves. You only wanted kids so they could fulfill your needs and desires 

 

There was no consideration for what the kids had to go through. 

We were just collateral for you.

 

 

Part of my internal misogyny directly comes from her. 

Some women are so selfish towards their children. They use their children for their own needs. 

She was a pushy helicopter mother who never gave a damn if I was sick and dying. 

 

Edited December 25, 2021 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

She used to play loud music when my dad was tired home from work and sleeping 

 

I was barely 13 years old.. I used to wake up and yell — "mom, dad is sleeping, stop the music." 

And she wouldn't listen 

I grew up feeling sorry for my dad all the time. 

 

[Preety_India]

I'll get some coke for the guests now.. I'm so tired with this drama. 

And I'm supposed to keep up appearances when I'm dog tired with lack of sleep, feeling anxious, body aches and I'm supposed to smile at guests??? 

Yea apparently...... For appearances. 

 

 

 

[Preety_India]

@Marcel I'm so grateful for you I could cry right now. 

 

 

[Preety_India]

Planner 

 

• Check Microsoft account subscription for Microsoft word
• Write romm statements in daybook
•  Use newly created journal notes on other websites. 99.in
• Tax work. 
• Check verify and cancel all subscriptions. TALKU. 

 

Omg you're definitely that. 

 

 

 

Edited December 25, 2021 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

1 hour ago, Marcel said:

*Wipes your potential tears and hugs you tightly my sweet suckling 

Thank you for being there 

 

[Preety_India]

 

Update 7 December 25 

(not interested in hav.... A convo

Not sure what to do right now. Feeling a bit tired and drained. I spent the whole day cleaning the house, decorating the garden. Putting up lanterns. Cleaning tables.. 

So tired right now. 

 

Recent entries

 

Edited December 26, 2021 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

 

https://youtube.com/channel/UC16koamsyvIJmgI1_xQlWoQ

 

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Edited December 25, 2021 by Preety_India