Today I realized I am home - Little peaks of hope

[Nadosa]

#Day 4:

I started the Day with: 

 

I felt generally a bit more at ease and grounded. Though there were thoughts that were still so powerful, but I remembered: Just be with, be with it, be with it. I know this isn't about fighting thoughts. But I would ultimately be so happy once I see a bit clearer what I believed were merely thoughts and nothing about "myself" in particular. 

Because I have bought in concepts like soul loss and shamans, I have genuinely convinced myself that my soul got lost and I have to find it in the past. Maybe it was, I dont know, I will never know...That was like self-tricking in order to keep with the existential rumination. Source cannot be lost. It is always here.

Free will...that's how it started...and that's how I quickly got lost again, as I am (unfortunately) not very "self-reliant" and abundant, but always try to look for different approaches even if the one feels good - it seems, just in order to feel miserable again - so that I can prove that the one that works doesn't work properly.

Lots of noise and work to be done.

I felt totally worn out today, because I have to get up at 5:30am and I woke up as having extreme fear again, but it naturally calms down these days. I naturally seem to do things that I onced liked to do, such as just watching a silly youtube video. It felt good...till I want back to my reddit account which reminded me of "my story" and the misery and baaamm back in it. 

So the cardio was about 10 mins, pull ups, push ups still integrated as much as possible and the body looks good (physically).

First 10 mins sitting were just torture and I felt just clouded and felt worry, doubt and powerless. I felt more comfortable walking. I felt more grounded and "de-matrixed" than before, as I felt more grounded, I went for the 20 mins sitting and being with what is - still a life raft.

The matrix is still "in reach", somewhat inbetween, however I just keep on no matter what.

Peace

Phil

Edited December 30, 2021 by Nadosa

[Nadosa]

The Trust and Faith is my guidance. As well as feeling good. Nothing else matters now. 

I am a Drummer. When I am behind the set there is no drummer. There is just playing. Maybe...just maybe life is playing drums? 

Edited December 30, 2021 by Nadosa

[Nadosa]

#Day 5: The sun is shining, the night was good, I could sleep through actually. So I started with 10 min cardio right in the beginning of the day, combined with 40 min sitting, 20 min walking and listening to feelings and what feelings say about thoughts and I felt very good in the beginning! Later there was an apparent reattachment of the story which felt very bad, but I am better these days, just embracing the craziness of who I am, as long as I feel good! I also notice that my productivity is growing linearly with embracing being, just little things like cleaning the room or doing the laundry. Something I wouldnt have thought about a month ago.

 

Edited December 31, 2021 by Nadosa

[Nadosa]

The disidentification from mind is so counterintuitive. I cant even describe it. It has some form of insanity. Like. Totally. I feel fear. So let's use the emotional scale.

Edited December 31, 2021 by Nadosa

[Nadosa]

#Day 6: Splashing Ravens

Day six. Happy new year!

Today is a beautiful day

I did 45 min sitting, just being with whatever arises and suddenly I felt this incredible appreciation and love for everything. I was sitting next to a little lake, sunyrays falling down as the water mirrored them, when I saw ravens splashing in the water. Just in that moment it felt so incrediblly beautiful to watch them just splashing, it was so beautfiul that I started having tears in my eyes, as just for the mere beauty of it just happening in me. Overall I felt very good and as if there was no separation left.

 

Later the feelings and thoughts about a "missing part" got triggered again. I cant really describe them, but the description of soul loss fits the best with it. It is the judgement of those thoughts which create a feedback loop when I actually feel like "a part of me died long ago". 

Being with it, seeing that parts is merely thought, grounds me!

Nevertheless that thought can actually create "Feelings of not being complete here" is still questionable and somehow I still try to find a solution to why thoughts sometimes just not only feel bad but can completely feel as if they warp my identity/reality.

 

 

 

 

 

[Nadosa]

Some insights and questions. Just here to note them.

 

I think what causes a main issue is the belief of a person aka me having consciousness in which arise thoughts about me.

 

Issues vanish when it is seen that consciousness is, not thoughts about a person, because there is no thinker of thoughts. 

 

But somehow, here in this society, as a person, we are kind of forced upon certain roles, and as soon as we are pushed inside those roles, or lets say we contract into finite minds, those thoughts appear to be about "myself". 

 

Is resting as consciousness not bypassing maybe the "problems" of the "person"?

 

Maybe there is yet something to realize...

[Nadosa]

Wisdom of Day 6: Truth is nothing extraordinary. Just BE yourself. BE happy.

[Nadosa]

#Day 7: I wake up with fear and doubt. Why? I dont know. I believe I am a misfit, I dont feel like I have a identity, let alone what "my story" is. Am I somehow cheating life? Because I can just choose to be happy somehow whilst there are thoughts that are apparently about me but they arent! They are just coming and going. And it is scary. Because what is there left if I am not thoughts? They are just pure emptiness. Made out of emptiness. Via direct observation. They dont say anything about they space they arise in. Let alone this body? 

 

[Nadosa]

Wrote a lil story about a boy that is lost in a dark cold forest.

 

 

Darkness. Fear. Loneliness. Surrounded by thoughts crying for help.

The oppressive sense of despair that made its way into every single cell of his body. He looked around, but there was no one there. No one but him.

Everywhere he fled was similar to the previous place. Everything was so frighteningly the same. There was no way out in sight.

His pupils widened and the pressure in his chest became unbearable. Panic struck him. He was screaming at the trees, begging for an answer. Silence. What did the trees think not to answer? Then he turned his anger on himself: “Why are you such a stupid piece of shit who got himself into this situation in the first place?” Anger turned into self-pity: “Why did I deserve this? I just want to get out of here! Where’s the light? I want to get out of here! The silence takes away all the air to breathe, I suffocate in this darkness, I’m stuck, please, give me your hand! Is there anyone there?”

 

Silence.

 

He gave up. He was lost. He stopped fighting.

 

Suddenly he saw a light in the distance. It wasn’t that far away, he could reach for it. But he didn’t dare. Because the forest was so frightening, so dark, so captivating. But he knew  he’d be safe there. A voice whispered to him:

 

“Give up. You’re safe. Let go. Come home. "

 

The boy answered: “Who are you?”

 

“I am the forest. I am the Darkness. I am the fear. I am the loneliness. I’m the anger. I’m the self-pity. Everything comes and goes in me as I take on those forms. Come here. Let go."

 

-

English is not my mother tongue. So sorry.

Edited January 2, 2022 by Nadosa

[Nadosa]

#Day 8: Feeling a bit better...just had 20-30min sitting this morning. But my current "state" is way beyond what was experienced weeks ago. Feeling more grounded in general.

[Nadosa]

#Day 9: Starting with the Declaration of Will, I completely refreshed the Dream Board. And suddenly I had this instant switch in perspective. Felt good! 30 min sitting Meditation 

Since the first awakening the biggest Problem has been to really let go of control and let life play out. I figured I wanted to understand and grasp awakening. No way! It leads to suffering. So I've learned: let things be but simultaneously look for better feeling perspectives and things you want to have and create!

 

Edited January 4, 2022 by Nadosa

[Nadosa]

#Day 10: King Lear forgot about John Smith.

I woke up today feeling fear. No doubt, I felt like I was split between two identities, felt like a schizophrenic, not even that, way worse. You know when you feel like you believed you are two but you gradually realize: "shit there are no two". There is just one. But the character in the story felt like he was psychotic and going mad. 

After work I sat down on my bed listening to Rupert Spira. What is the seperate self? In the analogy of John Smith and King Lear: King Lear is the finite mind believing it's a seperate self on its own right, a seperate entity, FORGETTING about its essential nature John Smith.

Bam it hit me like a hammer: I AM JOHN SMITH. During my "death" 4 years ago, I DID not KNOW I am John Smith, nor did I know WHAT I ESSENTIALLY WAS (Had no clue about spirituality whatsoever), I believed I was seperate from everything, dying as a self. Of course it felt terrible. Ramana Maharshi DID know for example WHAT he essentially was. 

So I ran outside, did 10 min Cardio and 60 min sitting with what is and indeed there WAS JUST ME HAVING THOUGHTS ABOUT ANOTHER ME. There is NO separation, never has been, there in only you.

 

Another story I just wrote

"Shaken to the ground, the hairs stand up, goose bumps all over the body, cold, cool foliage huddles around the boy’s tensed head, tears run down the cheeks, one saltier than the other, cries of despair.

They will be heard. A white figure, in the form of a woman, with a holy shining, in a white dress, on her back two wings, so softly and without resistance in the air, as beautiful as that of a swan, which is about to fly, appears and reaches out to him. The boy feels the warmth, the familiarity, the love.

He feels the love in turn merged with the love of the angel and they became one. He knew that as long as the angel held him, he was safe, forever, nothing could destroy that bond. Here there was no good and evil, no lack and perfection, here everything was as good as it is."

Edited January 5, 2022 by Nadosa

[Nadosa]

It essentially brings "YOU" fully into emotions, meaning, those are ALREADY felt and GUIDE. It is like falling back into YOU.

Edited January 5, 2022 by Nadosa

[Windappreciator]

[Nadosa]

#Day 11: Was okay..

Cant deny that I am confused. Was more of a reasoning with the story about myself again. Common traps:

Wanting to fix something. 

Wanting to get over something.

Wanting to integrate something.

Wanting to reason about something and talk it into Truth.

Wanting to fix something as a separate entity and trying to desperately befriend the story.

Wanting to show others how I made it "out of the mud"

--> these narratives create terrible feelings, as I dont the hell know how i will be at peace on a "thought level" with the Story.

So:

I listened to some Francis Lucille desperately trying to find solutions only to tell myself "No they cant help me, they dont know about my problem and how to fix it, not even Gurus will get it, how will I get it then" and imagining myself how I tell them how desperate I am and that I desperately need a solution and then imagining I need the no-self realization again which felt again like not even that will solve "my issues".

The narrative went full on repeat.

So, unfortunately, with the expectation of wanting to solve and fix something, I meditated...of course it was hell.

Sitting 30 mins, arguing and fighting with "my story" and suddenly the narrative started to change to self-hatred and suicidal talk: "I am fucked, you stupid mo...maybe I am just broken and didnt realize it. I could just end it once and for all, fuck it all, but you know what suicide wont be much different than this, you will just reincarnate..." Blablabla. Felt a lot of resistance against what is. 

Common thoughts:

"How will I be able to live like this, I have to live with no-self in order to feel peace, that's the only possibility"

"I need to be at peace right now, why isn't it working, just be with it, you must"

"I need to see that I am nobody now!"

Of course it's all bullshit and I just witnessed it. It was hella painful tho.

Just imagine you are faced with a situation you just dont want to face for straight 4 years. You try to make peace and try to connect the dots with your past but you CANT. 

In the end the only thing that really helps is seeing that I AM the only one dealing with it NOW. NOBODY else. 

Just wanna get over it. 

 

Edited January 6, 2022 by Nadosa

[Nadosa]

#Day 12: Burning through the person

 

30 min meditation. 

One important realization. There is no others. Only YOU are responsible FOR YOUR happiness. It is seen that thoughts dont belong to anyone but only arise in conscioussness. It was believed that there was a person that was somehow separated and having thoughts.

I feel good and act out of whatever guides me, but makes me feel good, people recognise this and feel automatically attracted about the spontaneity of doing.

 

 

 

[Nadosa]

This is what was lived out of pure intuition the last years. And I believed I was a psychopath. And thats the reason of these threads. I really thought I was alone. But damn. Its just the way things are. It is not really about the thoughts. Feelings etc..but about what is TRUE. Here. But who am I telling this lol. 

Edited January 7, 2022 by Nadosa

[Nadosa]

If this journey doesnt require absolute faith and courage. This is just facing your mortality over and over again. You kinda zoom out of, and zoom out of the zoom out. Music is another life raft for me at the moment.

[Nadosa]

Just signed my first deal with a professional music Video producer. The Dream Board works. ?

[Nadosa]

#Day 13: Being with the mess that is already here

Late evening, yesterday, I wrote another story about me and a monster. I just wrote two pages. I was sitting there feeling every ounce of emotion. 

A little excerpt:

"

“Mama! Papa!” the boy ran around, in circles, he wanted to escape, he wanted to hide in the closet. That was a possibility! He ripped open the closet door. Two black eyes stared right in his face. He got lost in them. No, he couldn’t get lost. No.

“Mama always said I was strong, I mustn’t give up, no, I mustn’t give up”, the boy thought to himself. “Help, Papa! I need you! Now! Here! Please!”

“No one will help you, I will kill you here in that place. Because even if you defeated me, I would still be with you day and night! Even in your dreams. Can you imagine a life like this? With me? I will never leave you. ”

“I can’t, I’m too weak, I’m nothing, I’m so young”, the boy replied desperately. With each movement of resistance, the monster grew bigger, more dangerous and bloodthirsty.

“I’m going to kill you. Now. I’m going to kill you and you won’t be anymore. You’re going to lose everything. You’re going to be alone. Your eyes are going to be mine. Black. Dead. ”

The boy crouched in the corner. He was lost. The monster came and ate him, piece by piece, piece by piece, piece by piece. The boy gave up. He left the monster alone.

Suddenly a loud bang. The boy woke up. Between dad and mom, between brother and grandparents, in a big, cuddly bed, everyone laughed, everyone loved each other as they are, everyone was happy to see each other, everyone had a thing for each other. That’s what he always wanted. A family in harmony. The boy laughed. He cried. He was safe."

-

Quite terrifying. I always felt like writing was something to express myself, whether it was via song texting, or just normal writing.

Anyways, the conclusion that I am completely responsible for everything that is and nothing external would really help, made me feel extreme fear. Sort of like solipsism. Because I had dealt with long nights of shaking and sweating, not knowing who I am, major panic attacks and feelings of being stuck in a realm that was so far away from Source, traumatizing to the bone, that coming back would never be possible again, I am pretty much okay with whatever arises now. The fear is expressed through singing and writing. I clearly still long for a moment of ultimate relief. 

I want to feel better. That's what I want. A life. 

 

 

Edited January 8, 2022 by Nadosa