Today I realized I am home - Little peaks of hope

[Nadosa]

As you wish.

[Nadosa]

6 hours ago, catcat69123 said:

let yourself feel all of it, sink into all of it because it is just what is. the possibility of truly letting go will come if you can embrace the darkness just you would embrace love if it came to you, it is encompassing all of if that you will find a lot more stability, peace and presence

it is the madman method but fuck it, it works- go as hard as you can into the mess and always know, it is not you, all comes to pass when there is no longer struggle for aversion/attachment/craving, to fully be with what is means there is no possibility of any of those poisons to ruin you

avoid it and consequently you attach to it, glue yourself to it,

be with it and feel it - accept it, don't try to do anything, the only effort is to try your best to make no effort to do anything and let it fuck you

What actually pretty much provides a flow of consciousness and being is just asking "WHO feels it, WHO is letting go, WHO thinks" - I then see clearly "NO ONE" thinks, giving me IMMENSE relaxation and a feeling of peace. 

[Windappreciator]

15 hours ago, Nadosa said:

As you wish.

thank you, your grace.

[Nadosa]

What makes me often weirdly question everything is based upon the belief I am SOMEONE who is CRAZY because I KNOW i can be unconditionally happy. Thoughts come saying: THATS NOT POSSIBLE. YOURE ILL, YOURE SICK. 

That's a huge factor of not being able to let go fully...

[Windappreciator]

 

15 minutes ago, Nadosa said:

What makes me often weirdly question everything is based upon the belief I am SOMEONE who is CRAZY because I KNOW i can be unconditionally happy. Thoughts come saying: THATS NOT POSSIBLE. YOURE ILL, YOURE SICK. 

That's a huge factor of not being able to let go fully...

find the belief that is giving you this judgment and look at it as clearly as possible

[Gregory1]

2 hours ago, Nadosa said:

What makes me often weirdly question everything is based upon the belief I am SOMEONE who is CRAZY because I KNOW i can be unconditionally happy. Thoughts come saying: THATS NOT POSSIBLE. YOURE ILL, YOURE SICK. 

That's a huge factor of not being able to let go fully...

These thoughts are coming so that you can CHOOSE happiness. If you didn't have happiness and the alternative to happiness: your negative thoughts,

Happiness couldn't be a choice.

[Nahm]

The truth is you’re not telling a story about yourself… you’re believing thoughts, aka, experiencing thought attachment, or, ‘the matrix’. When you’ve had enough suffering, you’ll meditate each morning and the matrix will naturally come to rest and end, and liberation is. 

It’s just a story. A discordant one. But try every thing until it is unequivocally seen that neither trying nor things will do. Until it is fully seen the things you say, don’t even feel good to you, and thus you create the suffering. Misery loves company. Truth loves being alone & does not know company.  

You can not convince others to suffer enough, to sympathize enough, to attend enough, to enable enough, to commiserate enough, to understand enough, to support enough, to love enough, to bring an end to your suffering. We all wish sometimes perhaps, but it is not so. 

You love. 

 

[Nadosa]

I know. And i dont even know what I want from you really - you give tips, but it's my part to finally come to terms with the hell is going on.

I guess what I desire is just a bit of company, nothing more.

[Windappreciator]

that alright

[Nadosa]

Today I worked on a christmas Song with ma mate..Im doing better. I notice early in the morning observing feels a bit easier then later in the day. Now I feel more nervous, and besides I feel fear and worry, which I tried to express, I feel a immeasurable amount of confusion and feat about thoughts that are apparently about "me" and thinking about letting them go kinda sets me in a state of panic. I know thats just the Ego feeling threatened in a way. 

What I want is just a sense of stability. 

Thoughts always come and want to declare then the 'climbing out of the mud and misery'. 

Faking and pretending appearing to be happening.

Quote:

The seeming claim "I am aware" is just another thought. The same old meaningless and empty voice in the head. The false sense of separate self loves "paths" and "mud". It will keep crawling out of the mud forever because that's part of the false identity and story. The imaginary path will look better at times of course but ultimately it's the same old shit. Mental stories about "me and my path", "me and my problems", "me and my fears and hopes" etc.

 

There is no illusion to transcend. "Trying to transcend the illusion" is illusory. But it doesn't exist as some separate illusion that can be affected by an illusory doer (there isn't an illusory doer even). There can either be "illusioning" appearing to be happening, or the whole trickery is clear (not to the trickery) and it's not able to appear as a representative of "me".

 

Mental phenomena can still appear but there is no one taking any of it seriously or as relevant in any way. Just fleeting appearances seeming to appear and disappear.

 

Why do I feel fear revealing the voice as just being empty? Its so painful because I just sense its empty.

Edited December 25, 2021 by Nadosa

[Nadosa]

What I also realized: during the relationship with my ex girlfriend, this story was basically non existent + as soon as I heavily meditated and had a profound self-realization. What it felt like was basically: "Welcome back home Phil"... with tears of joy. And I dont know the Story was there basically and still triggering but not so intensely anymore. I felt like I was just prioritising being "myself" and not wanting to move away from that with the knowing I am always secure in being myself no matter what comes.

Thoughts frame it kinda like "your girlfriend was the cause of your realization, now youre lost and doomed". Whatever, they so full of bluff. I just have to take Meditation and shove it up my ass no matter what!!

Edited December 25, 2021 by Nadosa

[Nadosa]

All is pointing to it. Meditation. And Im gonna be fine. I started feeling good as soon as I started Meditation. Not my GF, not any other circumstances. But utter will to be who I always have been. It makes sense. 

For two years I havent posted here. Because I was fine. I was meditating..i was outgoing. I was doing pickup. I was doing my drivers license. I was moving out. Got my exams ready. 

Edited December 25, 2021 by Nadosa

[okulele]

in my exeprience, the only way an endless thought-stream like that can keep running, is if I am not aware of what's going on in the body - in the feeling system. Start translating the endless thought streem into the feelings that keep it running and deal with it there.

If you can start feeling, you've found your levrage to set yourself free.

[Nadosa]

Exercising is slowly reintegrated again - I really dig how the body likes push ups, pull ups, they keep the body in shape and I feel refreshed after it. I do them whenever I see something to pull with both hands, it's also a good grounding exercise.

Today I also started with 1 hour just sitting - I realize this is not really a journey, but radically seperating what is real from what is not real. And all that is real is simply here and now. It gives me a soothing feeling. I also realized that I drowned in psychosis because I couldn't distinguish what was real from what wasn't, all because of a lack of radically embracing of WHAT IS. There is not really a reason as I mentioned why I developped psychosis (I just label it like that as in believing and taking thoughts and stories more seriously than what is REAL). I dont think either labelling makes so much sense in that case - as it just keeps alive another "someone". The entire concept of a "me" still leaves me utterly confused. I dont know who I am. And questions around "me" just dont lead anywhere. I can definitely say: I cant be thoughts. And that realization alone gives me the power to decide over my well-being.

All I know is what keeps me here SANE and HAPPY is just BEING with what is. I dont know "WHO" is being, all I can say is that I AM FINE with JUST BEING with everything that arises. I know some things and stories just feel so discordant BUT ALSO FEEL LIKE THEY ARE ME (I still believe it has smth do with the separate self...however I leave the labels aside for now...) because I wouldnt have just focused so intensely on it without a reason...the story felt like smth that has been once TOO real for me. The other reason I believed in those thoughts was...they didn't feel just bad, they felt like terrible, insane, and on the Top of it like I was literally dying or as if it was all about me (cant really explain...), so I just wanted to know what they were about. Of course, you can't figure it out with thoughts on top of thoughts... What really keeps me connected to you guys is being with what is... Is there really a question of anything other being real than what is? No. I dont feel like it. Tho knowing that I can go insane because there is smth that once felt like "it is me" still lingers there and if not made conscious, can lead to IMMENSE suffering.

This is still one of the hardest chapters of life. 

A good man once told me: "The truth of Emptiness is deeply frightening to the ego, because understanding this truth completely dissolves and dissuades the ego. Just play! There's nothing else to concern yourself with. EVERYTHING is playing the drums... but you miss this because you're intent on looking for something else. Being a musician is playing the drums, being a nurse is playing the drums, becoming a doctor is playing the drums, not becoming a doctor is playing the drums. Don't stop playing the drums no matter what comes up, and don't think about it. JUST PLAY THE DRUMS"

I am a drummer btw

Edited December 27, 2021 by Nadosa

[Cathal]

 

 

 

 

[Nadosa]

It is absolute crazy. Like there is what is. Which is absolutely true. Then there is something I believed was true which also feels like me but cant be true as it is just arising.

[Nadosa]

#Day 2:

I woke up feeling fear. But I just didn't want to just blindly follow it as I always did. THERE MUST be something that causes the fear.

So I combined another set of cardio with (afterwards) strong determination sitting (45min) with the intention and willpower to let everything rise and fall as it is and be with it. With focusing on what already is, which is: me.

after 30 min: Damn I feel peace, colours got brighter, everything looked so much more alive, I knew that feeling from what was experienced 2 years ago after prolonged sitting meditations.

after 45 min: Damn I already am before everything arises.

 

Goal:

I am gonna set my intention and willpower to be with whatever arises no matter how strong it feels in the next few days and see what happens.

[Nadosa]

As settling into presence happens I realize childhood desires arising, cozy, warm feelings, such as just being at my grandparents house. I let the feelings completely consume me as they connect to Source.

[Nadosa]

End of the day: I feel good. I feel good. I feel good. I feel good! Just being with everything that is, not matter how fucked up it is. 

[Nadosa]

#Day 3:

Had to work early shift. So I started my cardio at 3pm combined with 50min sitting. 

After 40 mins I felt like I was one with everything. Thoughts came à la 'youre bypassing your madness, you dont deserve to be happy, you are sick!'

Hopelessness was there, fear...but there must be something that is already aware of the feeling. They are already there. And suddenly I started laughing. Like it was all a joke. I dont know. I was just sitting there being happy in total hopelessness. Being is not difficult if you feel hopeless. There is just nothing else left than just being, there is no pleasure in anything objective anymore, you just feel utter pain and suffering, so last chance is just: be with it. What else could I do? 

Then suddenly I heard someone dropping on the ground and saw a girl passing out and wildly shaking not so far away from me. Her legs and arms were just twitching. It was scary. I pulled her right on her back. She was dizzy, but slowly coming back to her senses. She was scared. It was an epileptical attack. Shortly after she walked away wishing a good evening.

Then I added another 40 min sitting. Where nothing really happened. The hopelessness was still there. Cant do much than just being with it.

 

Edited December 29, 2021 by Nadosa