Today I realized I am home - Little peaks of hope

[Nadosa]

So as I feel like there is something slowly peeling off since time passed, I also realized that something is just there already. When I see that or am that, I feel home - at the same time thoughts feel so crazy and like "me" or as insane that it feels hard to let them go - better said: I am already in a process of no return, and that has been the case for 4 years now, with sparks of being whole already - but always going "in the story", which makes me feel super crazy. I cant properly explain it to therapists tho. I know pills will help with letting go, I also know this process is just letting go of myself, nothing else, thoughts and believing in old ways cant make sense of me being "here". One key is trust. I have a big sheet right on the wall hanging at the opposite of my bed: "what is this emotion? + trust the process <3".

I also know these thought loops are not healthy. 

I feel like I either suffer or I am absolutely commited "to die" to Truth. A middle way is just not possible. All the way letting go or suffer. Choose.

 

Edited December 22, 2021 by Nadosa

[Cathal]

why would pills help with letting go?

[Nadosa]

They would maybe stop the constant thought stream.

[Cathal]

why is it something you want to stop?

[Nadosa]

Good question. Because they seem to be kinda out of place. The thing is I am aware of it. Which is scary. Because they can make me feel like a complete different person. I know I have the power to choose them or not. Or believing as you wish. It's like you lived in hell and now you kinda realized hell is in thoughts and you suddenly gain your Soul back and see the mess is already there.

Edited December 22, 2021 by Nadosa

[Windappreciator]

Just a ittle de/identification, nothing wrong with that, you guys.

happens even to the best of us

 

[Nadosa]

5 minutes ago, Windappreciator said:

Just a ittle de/identification, nothing wrong with that, you guys.

happens even to the best of us

 

Sorry?

[Windappreciator]

5 minutes ago, Nadosa said:

Sorry?

Just a little appreciation coming you way

[Nadosa]

What do you mean?

[Nahm]

Give daily basic meditation and using the emotional scale a try. ?? 

 

[Cathal]

15 hours ago, Nadosa said:

Good question. Because they seem to be kinda out of place. The thing is I am aware of it. Which is scary. Because they can make me feel like a complete different person. I know I have the power to choose them or not. Or believing as you wish. It's like you lived in hell and now you kinda realized hell is in thoughts and you suddenly gain your Soul back and see the mess is already there.

this inner struggle is because you still haven't accepted what is

still not rooted as consciousness, struggling with controlling what arises within. thoughts, emotions, sounds, taste, it just arises - is any of that you, and do you need to do anything about it? who is trying to change itself?

but that is not what is, you were always soul/essence, you are getting confused - don't say, 'i am 'soul' for who is who now? you tryna butt the other guy out the way to make room for the bigger you, more sense of you, the new spiritual you, just more games that lead to suffering

[Cathal]

let yourself feel all of it, sink into all of it because it is just what is. the possibility of truly letting go will come if you can embrace the darkness just you would embrace love if it came to you, it is encompassing all of if that you will find a lot more stability, peace and presence

it is the madman method but fuck it, it works- go as hard as you can into the mess and always know, it is not you, all comes to pass when there is no longer struggle for aversion/attachment/craving, to fully be with what is means there is no possibility of any of those poisons to ruin you

avoid it and consequently you attach to it, glue yourself to it,

be with it and feel it - accept it, don't try to do anything, the only effort is to try your best to make no effort to do anything and let it fuck you

[Nadosa]

Thanks!

[Nahm]

@catcat69123

[Nadosa]

59 minutes ago, catcat69123 said:

let yourself feel all of it, sink into all of it because it is just what is. the possibility of truly letting go will come if you can embrace the darkness just you would embrace love if it came to you, it is encompassing all of if that you will find a lot more stability, peace and presence

it is the madman method but fuck it, it works- go as hard as you can into the mess and always know, it is not you, all comes to pass when there is no longer struggle for aversion/attachment/craving, to fully be with what is means there is no possibility of any of those poisons to ruin you

avoid it and consequently you attach to it, glue yourself to it,

be with it and feel it - accept it, don't try to do anything, the only effort is to try your best to make no effort to do anything and let it fuck you

This what has been happening feels very much what Adyashanti described as crossing "the point of no return", ever since it started I have an absolute terrible fear of not being able to go back anymore, I feel Truth penetrating every inch of suffering nevertheless no matter what I do, it just has no mercy. I can go insane. But in the end I just am. Just that what I describe as "I shouldve died" is just a thought trying to explain that smth died whatever it was. Thoughts dont really refer to a "me" anymore as I can access bliss if wanted, even in the most surreal situations. Of course, for example Rupert Spira says, it is a tremendous change for the body-mind. That's what I sense too. That was has been identified as "me" just seems to be not even real if closely inquired, a thought merely, and was has been arising are just thoughts all the time. So no matter what thoughts say - I will always remain untouched. 

[Windappreciator]

Despite being anxious about not being able to come back, do you actually prefer not knowing what you know now?

[Nadosa]

59 minutes ago, Windappreciator said:

Despite being anxious about not being able to come back, do you actually prefer not knowing what you know now?

4 hours ago, catcat69123 said:

 

That what I know now saves my sanity and life. It's basically a moment to moment thing. I know via self observation that no fear can ever touch me so bad that I cannot rise beyond it anymore. My psychological resilience is out of this world. Im questioning day by day how the hell I manage to even keep my Hobbies, job, Friends in tune with the daily adventure. I am. I know 4 years ago something happened. The fear of death just overwhelmed me to a point where I thought that I go insane. I kept going. There was something. A Truth. Something beyond everything that kept me going. Even though this fear or this death kept me under steady stress. Unconsciously dedicating my way of life. Basically I was very ignorant 4 years ago, what would have been different...i dont know. I still am ignorant because I rather choose suffering and rumination over just the one obvious thing: living the life I want. 

 

Edited December 23, 2021 by Nadosa

[Windappreciator]

23 minutes ago, Nadosa said:

That what I know now saves my sanity and life. It's basically a moment to moment thing. I know via self observation that no fear can ever touch me so bad that I cannot rise beyond it anymore. My psychological resilience is out of this world. Im questioning day by day how the hell I manage to even keep my Hobbies, job, Friends in tune with the daily adventure. I am. I know 4 years ago something happened. The fear of death just overwhelmed me to a point where I thought that I go insane. I kept going. There was something. A Truth. Something beyond everything that kept me going. Even though this fear or this death kept me under steady stress. Unconsciously dedicating my way of life. Basically I was very ignorant 4 years ago, what would have been different...i dont know. I still am ignorant because I rather choose suffering and rumination over just the one obvious thing: living the life I want. 

 

I can imagine. What was your initiation into?

[Nadosa]

What do you mean by initiation?

[Windappreciator]

4 minutes ago, Nadosa said:

What do you mean by initiation?

i'd rather avoid pinning it down