Crippling Fear

[Irina Wolf]

Fear fear fear, crippling fear.

I realized got myself in a pickle of a situation. I even have nightmares about being held hostage with no way out. I wake up in the night a lot due to hyperventilation.    I just started the life purpose course about two weeks ago.  Why? Because all I do is daydream about the life I wish for while doing nothing about it. The walls are caving in on me.   My coping mechanisms are damaging my health, my financial situation is never getting better, I struggle getting to apply to University out of fear of rejection or believing I'm not smart enough.    Now thanks to this course I finally admit to myself that it's all due to my crippling negative & limiting beliefs.  I can't believe I've had 14 years of therapy but limiting beliefs are still holding me by the throat. 

Ofcourse I'm stuck in the same situation my parents are at.  Ofcourse I haven't excelled them yet. I'm operating on the same software system that they gave to me. I'm 26 and I've been in therapy since I was 12. I still feel all the crippling childhoof beliefs holding me back in life.   I quit therapy this year. The resistance to do anymore trauma therapy just was too big. Because I felt it made no change to who I wanted to become and where I wanted to be.    My aim has always been to fix myself, without realizing that might be my actual problem. I've been in therapy for so many years because I kept believing I wasn't good enough to do anything on my own. I'm not suicidal (anymore) but I still feel I'm not worthy to live my life. To just grab it and to make the most out of it.

I realized I never really lived life on my own despite the massive amount of loneliness I have felt over the years. Now, I'm really alone.
No one to fall back on. Not my therapist, Not my parents. Not my friends. Just my cat. I'm so grateful for her ♡ I wouldn't know what to do without her yet I'm also secretly hoping to make some friends on Actualized.org so I can atleast connect with like minded people.

The Netherlands is in another lockdown. I'm in my appartement and I can feel the walls caving in on me. Sometimes I daydream of having a superpower that could explode from my chest as I scream and turn every wall and everything in the world / universe to dust.  I'm frustrated. I no longer want to feel this powerless. I've had enough.  

What about you? 

Much love from the Netherlands ♡

Irina

 

[Gregory1]

Hey:) welcome on the forum.

Hope you will have a good time here!

I'm from Germany and feel quite empowered and strong. Paychedelics helped me a lot to come to that place.

 

[Irina Wolf]

Hey Gregory! 

Thanks for the warm welcome. I've taken mushrooms often in my life but so far they've only helped me overcome my artist block. Which I am grateful for ofcourse. But I feel I'll have to do the hard work to feel empowered. The trauma is really deeply ingrained. But magic mushrooms helped me realize that it's there to fuel my creativity. I forget that sometimes. 

I sing too! Would you check out my works?  Much love from the Netherlands! ♥ 

 

[Gregory1]

2 hours ago, Irina Wolf said:

Hey Gregory! 

Thanks for the warm welcome. I've taken mushrooms often in my life but so far they've only helped me overcome my artist block. Which I am grateful for ofcourse. But I feel I'll have to do the hard work to feel empowered. The trauma is really deeply ingrained. But magic mushrooms helped me realize that it's there to fuel my creativity. I forget that sometimes. 

I sing too! Would you check out my works?  Much love from the Netherlands! ♥ 

 

Wow, you look and sing beautiful! Love it:)