My grandfather loves me - and he's dying.

[thenondualtankie]

My grandfather has been on his death bed for a few months now, suffering from (I believe several) late stage cancer(s). And he's probably been waiting for me to visit for double that, since our annual visit was disrupted by COVID. I'm finally able to visit him now though.

About a week before my flight, I gave them a video call and he basically told me he really really misses me. "We're waiting for you with four eyes open, four eyes!". This is a Turkish saying which means we're really looking forward to you being here. Funny thing is, he was only able to open one eye during the call.

Now my grandfather is normally a stage blue right-winger (not saying as an insult - he was an avid supporter of Erdogan) who is easy to criticise you for minor things. I've heard that he shouted and my grandmother a lot back in the day. I also feel like he has a lot of pride; he's not the type of person that you can just openly talk about death and other difficult topics with.

But this time I felt something different in him. I just landed in Turkey today and was greeted by my grandparents and aunt. I asked grandpa how he's doing, and he replied "Well, my dear grandson, it is what it is. I wake up and I to to sleep. I thank God for everything. As you can see, life just comes and goes."

My dad told me that, when he visited a few weeks ago, my grandpa would keep telling him "Allah razı olsun." He would say this fucking constantly. It translates to "May Allah be accepting of you," and it's a way of showing deep gratitude towards someone. (He was thanking him for visiting in case you're lost.)

I guess what I noticed is that on one hand he's in terrible pain and suffering, but on the other he has a newfound sense of peace in him, which I definitely didn't see just a year ago. I mean, maybe I'm making this up in my head to make this feel better about this whole situation, but I don't think so. Is this something quite normal that happens to people who are dying?

Now what I want to figure out is how I should proceed. What I hope for is to give him a little more happiness and love. I also hope to be able to take wisdom from him. I was really struck by the way he talked about gratitude, and I want to figure out how I should proceed with talking about it with him.

There are several problems though:

• He saw me grow up as a baby and a toddler. He knows and loves me more than I know and love him, especially because we've lived abroad for many years now. I've spent the majority of my time with him as a child. I want demonstrate some genuine love to him.
• His memory has deteriorated a ton. Apparently he keeps asking to sit up because he doesn't remember that his hip is broken.
• I noticed that we quickly moved to the other room after I said my first hello. I think he felt quite left out.
• I don't know how to talk to him or whether he'll be offended by the things I tell him. This is because he was stage blue. For example I thought maybe I could make that joke above, that he had only one eye open when he said that.
• I really doubt he wants me to pity him or feel bad for him. That would probably make him even more embarrassed about his situation than he already somewhat seems to be.

The above bullet points aren't necessarily meant to be coherent. I guess I just wanted to list out some relevant information.

[caspex]

I've read that people who are about to die of bodily problems or of natural aging often intuit they are about to die. For some it's hours prior, for some it's days, for some conscious motherfucker it might be some weeks prior and maybe for some yogi it might be years prior, even predicting the date and time. What I am pointing out is that he may have gotten this intuitive feeling and he must have started contemplating into death. That could have lead into various traps, such as believing in dogma to console himself, which is most likely what happened. But you shouldn't throw the possibility of him having had an awakening out the window. I'd say instead of worrying about any awkwardness or needing to chit-chat, go be with him. Be as conscious as you can yourself and respect his boundaries as he is also an entity. Just be with him. Whether he awoke or not wouldn't be of main concern. He might start talking with you, maybe when you're alone with him, about deeper things. He may not talk to you at all. But you should be able to get an idea of how conscious he has become. But as I said, assessing all that isn't of main concerning. No matter who he was in his life, no matter what he did or what you think he deserves, he is reaching a fate that everyone reaches one day. In Hindu stories, even monsters who have been slain are respected by the deities because they are now dead. You're witnessing death, you should be curious about it and shower your grandfather with love. 

Edited December 22, 2021 by Swarnim