My Shadow Work Journal

[Gabith]

Hi, I'm new to shadow work, I started a week ago with vizualisation but it didn't worked. Flowboy told me to try while writing and it did work !

Here's what I got:

 

19 December 2021 * is child 

Why do you need to please others all the time?
* I don't know
Are you sure? Tell me everything, I'm here, I'm listening, I'm sorry I ignored you for so long
* I'm afraid of being abandoned, of not being loved
Why?
* I don't remember
When did you first feel the need to please others?
* At school, I think
Please show me, tell me more
* I got bullied when I was in high school, since then I don't dare show my face for fear of being made fun of or rejected
You don't have to be afraid anymore I'm here 
What can I do to help you?
* Protect myself
How can I help?
* Don't let them hurt me
I'm doing my best, they can't do anything to you anymore, it's over, you're loved, I love you. You can go, you don't have to be afraid anymore
* I don't want to go
What do you want from me?
* That you love me

I love you already my love
* It's not true
Why do you think that?
* You're manipulating me
Maybe you're right but I don't know what to do, show me, I want to help you
* Make love with me
How?
...are you here?
Tell me how to help you, you deserve to be loved. What are you afraid of, what do you feel?
* Shame, embarrassment, I feel alone, I need you
I'm here now, I'm listening to you
* What are we going to do?
What you want to do, tell me
* I want to kill
To kill who and why?
* The people who hurt me
I can go with you and forgive them, they didn't know what they were doing, they were lost
* I still want to kill them
Ok, I'll kill them with a gun, they're dead and they can never hurt you again
* Thank you
How do you feel?
* Bad
Why?
* I'm afraid
But what are you afraid of?
* That I'll be laughed at

No one will laugh at you anymore, I'm tall and strong now
* It's not true
Why do you think so?
* You're weak
I just want to help you
* Look for
I can't see clearly
You're perfect the way you are, you don't have to be afraid or try to please anyone
* You don't know how much I've suffered
I wish I knew and saved you
* Okay listen to me... I was in school, I was bullied, I suffered, I didn't know what to do, you weren't there to listen to me, you let it all happen, I didn't know how to defend myself, my parents didn't help me. So I adapted myself to try to please and avoid conflicts
You don't have to do that anymore, there's no need to protect yourself. You can be yourself and I swear people will love you like that
* I don't believe you
* I don't have a home
How can I make one for you?
* By loving me, asking for me and stopping trying to avoid me
I'll do my best to feel and love you

Can you guide me, how to do it? What do you want from me?
* I don't want anything from you
We're going in circles, help me help you
* You suck
That's not true, I'm wonderful and so are you
* Prove it
I know it, how can I prove it to you?
* Find a good girl
I will but I need to help you first Otherwise you'll need to please
* How can you help me?
That's the question I'm asking you, how?
No responses, a minute later:
I feel you, you are towards my stomach

I was very tired and tried to visualize scene where I was helping this part of me but it was hard to visualize & there was no real memories... I will continue tonight & everyday, hope I'll get better results 

20 December 2021

 I'm doing progress, toward the end, I had little moments of visualisation where I helped my child & he was able to open up a little bit 
I had little memories coming back but they were not vivid (it's not like I was living the scene)

Hi it's me again, how are you?
* Bad
Why are you feeling bad ?
* I'm afraid
What are you afraid of?
* Of you 
I don't understand
* Ok listen to me I'm tired, tired of being called names, tired of being disrespected, tired of having no friends. I want to kill myself
I'd like to help you, can you show me what hurts you?
* I don't want to show you
You can trust me
* Why?
Because I'm here to help you and love you

* Prove it
I'll talk to you every day, I won't ignore you anymore
* You lie
I swear I haven't, I've changed, I'm an adult now
* Okay what are we gonna do?
We're gonna love you
* But why?
So you'll stop suffering
* But I want to suffer
No, you want to be good and protected and I can give you that
* Go ahead and do it
(moment of visualization where I was bullied, I helped myself) 
Are you okay?
* Yes I'm fine
I'm happy for you, is there anything else I can do for you?
Can you stop trying to please others now?
* No

Why?
* Because I need you to love me
I'd like to help you but I need you to cooperate 
* I don't want to cooperate
What can I do?
* I want you to love me
I do
* No
Show me what hurts you
* What hurts me is you
Tell me why 
* Cause you ignore me
No I'm not ignoring you anymore
* Yes you are
No, I talk to you and try to help you
* It's not true
I am lost
* Why are you lost?
Because I'm trying to help you but it's not working
* Okay
I'm staying with you
Is there anything you want to say to me?
* Yes, you suck, I don't want to see you anymore
But I want to see you and I'm really sorry for what you went through, I'm doing my best to save you
* Save me
(moment of visualization) 
Here is
* Thank you
You're welcome.  Is there anything else you want to show me?
* Yes
Okay, I'm watching (moment of visualization)
How do you feel?
* Better
I'm glad you let me help you
* Me too
See, you can trust me, show me something else
(moment of visualization)
Are you ok?
* I'm fine
What can I do for you?
* You can love me
I love you
* Me too
I love you more than anything
* Thank you
Is there anything you want to say to me?
* Yes, I'd like to go out with you 
Where ?
* In a park
(moment of visualisation in a park)
* Thank you
* What do we do now?
Do you still need to please others?
* No
Is there anything else I can do for you?
* Yes you can love me
So let's do this...
I'll see you tomorrow, good night

I think I need to do more work with this because even if the child said "No" to my question "do you still need to please others?" , I didn't had big emotional release/experience and I still feel the desire to please women 

[Gabith]

21 December 2021 

Good evening my love
* Good evening
How are you ?
* I'm fine
I'm glad to hear you, what can I do for you?
* I don't know
Would you like to show me something?
* Yes
I'm listening (moment of visualisation)
Are you feeling better?
* Yes thank you
What are you thinking about?
* I don't know
Are you sure ?
* I think of all the evil that was done to me
You want to tell me more?
* Yes, I'd like to tell you more
I'm listening to you
* I was bullied for years and it destroyed me, I don't know what to do
You can show me what hurt you and I'll fix it
(visualization)
* Thank you
You're welcome my love
Is there anything else I can do?
* Yes you can
Tell me what
* I'd like you to love me
I love you, my love, you know that, don't you?
* Yes, I know it
that's nice!
You see you've got nothing to fear, I'm here
* Yes thank you I'm happy
* Can I ask you something? 
Yes, tell me
* Will you give me a hug?
Of course I will
* Thank you
What do you want to do?
* I don't know and you?
Just tell me what you feel like
* I want an ice cream
(visualization)
bon appétit
What moment hurt you the most at school?
* It was when we were doing presentations between students in all classes of the school. We were drawn by lot 
I was choosed to be with a girl who ended up crying because she was with me and she didn't want to. I tried to reassure her but it didn't worked and everyone was judging me like I was a monster or a bad person. They didn't know why she was crying, they thought that I did or told something bad to her...
(visualisation)
Are you ok now? 
* Yes, I'm fine.
I wish you a good night, see you tomorrow I love you
* I love you too

[flowboy]

Following!

[Gabith]

Cool  

22 December 2021

Good evening my love how are you
* I am fine
I can help you and love you tonight
* So do it
Show me something that hurts you
(visualization)
* Thank you
Do you want to talk to me?
* Yes
I'm listening
* I was hurt by a girl, Eve
What did you get hurt from her?
* She didn't like me, she rejected my hand at the movies and she went out with another. I loved her
(visualization)
Is it better?
* Yes
Did another girl hurt you?
* Yes

Can you show me?
* Marine, she didn't want to go out with me, she went out with two of my friends but I don't think she liked me and I didn't feel good enough
(visualization)
Now you feel good enough?
* No
do you know why?
* I think I'm not good enough
Where does it come from that you think you're not good enough?
I can't see
what would you like?
* an ice cream
(visualization)
something else?
* I would like to be good enough
You already are
* it's not true
Why do you think that?
* because I don't feel good enough
Why do you think that?
* because I'm weak
You're not weak, you're perfect
* no, I'm weak
Why do you feel weak?
* because I couldn't get a girlfriend

it's normal and you don't need to have a girlfriend to be strong or good enough
* okay
You are already big and strong
* why do you say that?
Cause I know it, deep down in me
* that's not true
Give me a chance to prove it to you
* okay
(visualization)
Look at the path you've gone through, look where you come from, you'll get your proof here
You understand now?
* yes, you're right
That's great, I'm proud of you
You don't need to please, you already please by being yourself
* Yes
And you will not please everyone and that's normal 
* Yes
* Can you give me a hug
(hug)
See you tomorrow I love you
* see you tomorrow, me too

 

[Gabith]

23 December 2021

I felt my inner child needing me to talk to him during the day when I was reading a book  

Hi how are you ?
* Bad
Why ?
* I'm afraid
Ok show me
* I had a horrible day on a day out with school it was in a park with a castle 
We were playing games to introduce ourselves, I was the last one to introduce myself and to not do do like everyone else I referred to myself as "He". 
The teacher laughed at me and so did everyone else
I spent the day alone in the park waiting for it to end.
On the way back in the bus I was laughed at again, I felt very bad
(visualisation)
* Thank you
You're okay now ? 
* Yes
Can you show me something else ?
* Yes
(visualisation)
You're okay ?
* Yes
You see, you're big & strong, you're amazing
* Yes that's right 
Can I do something for you ?
* hug me
Here you are, I know you didn't had hugs before, if I was there I would have give you hugs everyday
* Thank u
Can I help you again ?
(visualisation) 
You were perfect!
* Thank u
I'm tired, I'm coming back to you tonight, kiss
* kiss

Good evening my love
* Good evening
How are you ?
* I'm not feeling good
What's happening ?
* they make fun of myself
Who ?
(visualisation)
How can I help you ?
* love me and protect me 
(visualisation)
you're okay now ?
* Yes
You want to tell me something ?
* I love you
Me too, it's nice! 
Can you show me something more profound for me to help you ?
(visualisation)
You were perfect, what you've done was right, you can be proud
* Thank u
How do you feel now ?
* really better
Cool
We're a good together
What would you like to make me know ? 
* that I love you
Me too, more than everything
Good night my love
* Good night 
 

 

 

[Gabith]

25 December

Hello, how are you?
* Not well
What's wrong my love?
* I'm being laughed at
Show me
You're free to do whatever you want, don't think of others, think of yourself, for yourself, for what you know is best for you
* Okay
See you tonight
* See you later

Good evening my love
* Good evening
How are you?
* Bad
Tell me what's wrong
* I'm mocked, I'm harassed, I am lost I feel weak and I don't know what to do
Ok show me I will protect you
(visualization)
What did she do to hurt you, Sarah?
* She disrespected me, she insulted me, she was mean
Show me
I can't see
Try to show me, trust me
I can't see can you write it down for me?
* I can't be specific, I just know she's harassing me and insulting me
How can I help you without seeing?
* Love me and protect me
Here is
* Thank you
Is there anything else you want to tell me?
* I feel bad
Ok why?
* Because I don't have any friends and the ones I'm with aren't nice and use me 
I'm your friend, you don't have to stay with them, they don't deserve you
* Okay
Are you feeling better?
* Yes
Super, you are wonderful
* Thank you
I'm going to sleep I'll see you tomorrow, I love you
* thank you kiss

 

[Gabith]

26 December

Hello my love
* Hello
How are you feeling ?
* Not good at all
What's happening ?
* They make fun of me, I feel bad
I'm here, you are not alone
* Okay
Who is making fun of you ?
* They, the bad ones 
Show me please
I can't see...
There is nothing to fear my love, breathe with me, feel the peace & the power that you are. Feel that there is nothing to fear and no one to please.
There is nothing to do than loving yourself and feeling yourself. 
* You're saying bullshit 
That's good, you are honest. Keep this quality, don't try to please others 
* Okay
How are you now ?
* Still bad
I hug you 
* Thank you
You're feeling better ?
* A little bit
What can I do to make you happy ? 
* Loving me
I love you, you are precious & amazing
* Me too
I feel that you want to talk to me about Sandrine (my first girlfriend who broke up with me for another one)
Well... okay. What do you want to tell me about this ?
* I loved her more than anything and she loved me
What else ?
* I miss her
Can I help you ?
* Yes
How ?
* Love me more than her 
I love you more than she was loving you, I will never leave you. I will be there for you and you will find another girlfriend who will be better for you, I promise 
* Ok thank you
You're welcome. For that, you must learn to love yourself as much as possible & realizing the infinite power that you are
* Okay
You're gonna do this ?
* I don't know
Why ?
* Because you don't deserve it
I do my best, what do you need more to realize that WE deserve this ?
* Me I deserve this, not you
Why ?
* Because you ignored me for all these years
I'm sorry again, I didn't know what to do, I was unconscious. But now I'm here to help you everyday
* Okay
I love you my love
* Me too
Do you want to show me what makes you cry ?
* Yes
Ok I watch
I can't see, maybe try to write it down 
* What makes me cry is you ignoring me for years
Now I'm here to help you
* I appreciate your efforts, how far can you go ?
To the core! I will not give up, I'm doing this for you and me 
* You are intriguing 
Reveal yourself to me
* No
Okay we will take the time you need
* Anyway, it's me who's the boss
I'm feeling lost, I would like to help you but I don't really know how
* Well, dig in 
I'll see you tomorrow, good night I love you
* good night 

[Gabith]

27 December 

Hello how are you ?
* Bad
Why ?
* I don't know
You want to say something to me ?
* Yes, you are beautiful, amazing 
Thanks, it's nice, why are you saying this ?
* Because I believe it
Thanks my love
And why do you feel bad ?
* I feel lost
Can I help you ?
* Yes
Okay I hug you
* Thanks
Do you want to talk about something ?
* Grand mother
Ok I'm listening
* I think that she is very nice and that she will soon die. We should spend more time with her.
How do you know that she'll die soon ?
* I know, that's it
How much time ? 
* a few months
Ok my love, I'll spend more time with her
* That's good
How do you feel ?
* Not very good
Explain to me please
* I don't know what to do, I feel lost in life
There is nothing to do, only love yourself, appreciate things that life offers 
* You must be right
Yes life is a beautiful experience! We will love ourself more, meet new people....
* Okay
I love you
* Me too
I will work on my emotions, see you tomorrow
* Kiss

 

 

 

 

[Gabith]

28 December

Hello how are you ?
* Good and you ?
Good, thanks. Happy that you feel good
Can I help you ?
* Yes
* Because I don't feel good
Tell me
* I don't want to 
(I stopped writing and was talking to myself in my mind) it didn't lead somewhere. Something I wonder if I'm really in contact with my inner child or if it's just me who is talking to myself... 

[tsuki]

I used to do this, it worked amazing when I wrote the child responses with my non-dominant (left) hand.

[Gabith]

I'll try.
Does my inner child / " a part of me" can know if my grand mother will die soon or not ? 
He told me that I had to spend more time with her because she will die in a few months 

[tsuki]

Your inner child is scared and misses her. If you want to show yourself support, tell yourself that you will always be on your sidez eve if she's gone.

And go pay her a visit, your inner child will be happy.

[flowboy]

@Gabith  What you're doing is already awesome, so keep it up I'd say.

What effects do you notice from this practice?

One way to improve the effect, could be to upgrade your "parenting" style to do more deep listening.

In these conversations, I'm seeing a lot of moments where your inner child says it's feeling bad, and then your response is to quickly make it feel better by saying nice things to it. That might be a bit hasty. It doesn't give his pain enough space to exist and be validated. It doesn't satisfy deeply because it doesn't honor the validity of its experience. It doesn't make him feel heard, rather subtly gaslighted.
Also, it looks a bit like you are comforting him with an agenda. You want to make him to feel okay so that he doesn't bother you with his pain, instead of just for his sake. (is this a parenting style you recognize from your own parents?)

Examples:

On 21/12/2021 at 6:29 PM, Gabith said:

Please show me, tell me more
* I got bullied when I was in high school, since then I don't dare show my face for fear of being made fun of or rejected
You don't have to be afraid anymore I'm here 

this would be a good moment to give him the floor and let him describe the entire scene with all its details and how he feels about it.
What can I do to help you?
* Protect myself
How can I help?
* Don't let them hurt me
I'm doing my best, they can't do anything to you anymore, it's over, you're loved, I love you. You can go, you don't have to be afraid anymore
* I don't want to go
What do you want from me?
* That you love me

I love you already my love
* It's not true
Why do you think that?
* You're manipulating me

On 27/12/2021 at 10:33 AM, Gabith said:

Who is making fun of you ?
* They, the bad ones 
Show me please
I can't see...
There is nothing to fear my love, breathe with me, feel the peace & the power that you are. Feel that there is nothing to fear and no one to please.
There is nothing to do than loving yourself and feeling yourself. 
* You're saying bullshit 
That's good, you are honest. Keep this quality, don't try to please others 
* Okay
How are you now ?
* Still bad
I hug you 
* Thank you
You're feeling better ?
* A little bit

My take on the situation here is that although today that you are talking to the inner child, and you are hugging him and being nice, he is still burdened by past memories where he needed some form of love, protection or reassurance and didn't get it.

You telling him that everything is fine now, whilst he doesn't feel like it because he is still burdened, creates mild trust issues.

In order to go deeper, try to refrain from saying things to make him feel better now, and instead go with him into those memories he is burdened by, and make him feel better in those specific scenes. So you are actually letting him take you through bad memories and feeling the pain for him, and only after you have taken over and felt all the pain for him, then you work with him to change the scene to a comforting one. Don't force him to feel better.

Hope that makes sense.

This is the same basic approach that is used in schema therapy. But there's no reason you can't use it to heal yourself.

Good luck!

You're doing great.

Edited December 31, 2021 by flowboy

[Gabith]

"What effects do you notice from this practice?"

I don't know if it's from this practice only but I feel more confident, even my body language and the way I walk changed naturally. 

I interviewed people for my videos and I was able to be more authentic, I was surprised that I didn't try to please them, I was more relaxed, was not too self-conscious or overthinking. I even saw in their body language and what they said that they we're trying to please me, it has a repulsive effect, their compliments feels not very true. It made me realized even more that I don't want to act like this anymore! 

It's more difficult with girls that I'm attracted to, I did progress but I'm not there yet. I know that I don't want to be needy toward girls or trying to please them. But it's not integrated yet, seems like a big challenge for me.
Right now I'm trying to accept the fact that I can be happy alone even if it takes years before I find a girlfriend.. and inside I know it will not takes years because I feel attractive and worthy and the progress I make are bigger & bigger. 
 

Yes it helps thank u ! 

 

[flowboy]

14 minutes ago, Gabith said:

I even saw in their body language and what they said that they we're trying to please me, it has a repulsive effect, their compliments feels not very true. It made me realized even more that I don't want to act like this anymore! 

Very cool development