Working on my triggers

[Preety_India]

I wrote the journal on narcissistic abusive  personality On November 8, 2020 exactly the time I broke up with Joseph. 

 

[Preety_India]

 

I WILL NEVER EVER  BE WITH A NARCISSIST  AGAIN IN MY LIFE. 

I PLEDGE TO NEVER FALL PREY TO A NARCISSIST AGAIN 

 

 

 

[Preety_India]

 

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year 2022 to Everyone. 

 

Happy Holidays, hope you stay healthy and your family is healthy - and many wishes for a healthy and fortuitous year ahead. 

 

 

[Preety_India]

One way to heal is to build a shield. 

I'll talk about this shield later. 

 

[Preety_India]

 

 

 

[Preety_India]

I like this 

 

[Preety_India]

 

23 hours ago, Preety_India said:

I'm going to label it for what it is. 

Instead of saying friendship and inviting unwanted problems and undesirable interactions and unnecessary manipulative games and disappointment, I'll use this label - 

"Authentic interactions with authentic people" 

This is a better description of how I want my relations with people from now on. 

It neatly fits into my comfort zone. 

-------------------------------

From now on I only want to interact with people who I consider as truly authentic, respectful, resonating with me and my situation, trustworthy, compassionate, matured, cool and understanding. 

 

 

. 

Edited December 22, 2021 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

 

"Authentic interactions with authentic people" 

I should have done this long ago. 

I would have spared a ton of suffering. 

 

[Preety_India]

The thing is that my focus should always be on things that have practically harmed me. 

No more babysitting illusions. 

 

[Preety_India]

 core areas of focus... CAOF

• Area which is generally the source of my misery and my problems or obstacle to my growth
• Area which needs healing and recovery... Like health 
• Area which needs growth... Like stage orange stuff,money, career. 
• Area which needs continuous improvement - example life skills and interesting things like art 

 

 

 

 

Either you have to do inner work or outer work.. 

 

 

• Areas will need to be worked on
• Elimination 
• Healing like recovery 
• Improvement 
• Fixing 
• Continuous growth 
• Promotion 
• Cultivation 

 

 

Edited December 22, 2021 by Preety_India

[lmfao]

On 21/12/2021 at 7:43 PM, Preety_India said:

compassion 

Compassion is irrelevant here 

On 21/12/2021 at 7:46 PM, Preety_India said:

I don't see any compassion or true understanding in your words. 

Translation: please agree with me 

On 21/12/2021 at 7:43 PM, Preety_India said:

Authenticity never means lack of compassion. Sorry but you got it screwed.. 

I'll mention that you made this jump about me on your own without me doing anything, so you're revealing your own thoughts on the topic

Edited December 23, 2021 by lmfao

[Preety_India]

@lmfao if you take compassion as agreeing with someone and understanding someone is such a huge deal for you, then why even bother. 

I need people who are understanding, who say something I can find some resonance with so I find it helpful. 

At least I'm not coming in your journals and pissing you off lol. 

Move on and do your own stuff. Just because someone doesn't want to get along with you doesn't mean they are wrong 

 

 

[Preety_India]

 

 

[Preety_India]

 

 

"Authentic interactions with authentic people" 

This and nothing else. 

I have to strive towards this goal in 2022.

I want to leave all the baggage behind. 

Any kind of interaction that feels inauthentic should be canceled right there. If it doesn't feel right, mostly it isn't right. 

When you have a nice reassuring, loving and understanding interaction, it not only uplifts your mood but also leaves you with such important nuggets that you can apply and improve your life. Such interactions and conversations speed up your progress, give you a foundation on which you cultivate your insights and it's a mutual sharing of insights and ideas that are really helpful. 

 

 

[Preety_India]

Many interactions are futile, destructive and a waste of time. 

One such example is my interaction with my mother. She rarely ever adds anything useful to the conversation. It's always the same negativity, the same crying and whining about money, the same old gossip about neighbors and their wealth, the same negative stories about how everything is so bad in life. I mean who wants that. Who likes that. Who likes to sit for a cup of tea early morning and discuss rape, and deaths and all the garbage in the news. Not me. I want my mornings to be fresh, beautiful and I want to discuss about something that will either solve my problems or make my day wonderful. 

I'm surprised at how my mother lives. She has been living this toxic life for so many years where all she does is gossip about her relatives and neighbors. 

After few minutes I have to scream, "mom, stop. Enough." 

It's like her brain is so empty. 

I encourage her to pursue something in like reading or gardening. Instead of wasting her time telling me stories about my dad, which I obviously don't care about because he is dead. 

 

 

[Preety_India]

I'm trying to freak out less over my triggers. The freaking out is a trauma response. 

Controlling it is kinda hard to do given that my brain is wired to respond due to trauma. 

My trauma makes me highly vulnerable and and sensitive. 

I feel heightened sense of threat, danger, arousal, anger. Anything can make feel angry and panicky. I can get histrionic and go out of control because my panic button gets pushed so badly. I can flip out. I can go batshit crazy from 0 to 1, within milliseconds if I feel my survival is threatened. 

 

 

 

 

There were times when I would lock myself in a bathroom with a knife because I felt so threatened by everyone. It would make me fly into intense rage and wanting to attack anyone who was threatening my survival. 

 

 

 

At the root of all this anger, is fear. Massive fear. Fear of not being allowed to live. Fear of constantly being encroached on. Fear of being targeted, bullied. Fear of being controlled 

 

And fear comes from being traumatized and living in that state for many years. 

 

 

 

 

[Preety_India]

1 hour ago, Marcel said:

Yup it’s pretty incredible, I don’t even know how to phrase this, that some people can live like that.

Negativity, Gossip. Complaining, Crying and Whining about money and how “bad” everything is.

Its not like I haven’t been guilty of doing some of those things like this as well, but to ONLY talk about this is every day completely unimaginable to me. 

I really don’t know how your mom manages it 

*Has a fresh and beautiful morning with you that sets the day up to be wonderful ❤️

I used to gossip a bit for a while but I gave up on it. It's not a good habit. And I will never fall in that trap again. 

1 hour ago, Marcel said:

I can relate to you a lot hun 

My fears probably don’t go as deep as yours, but this feeling of being threatened is something I feel as well. 
 

Im not entirely sure what the solution to this is. But it does get better. What definitely helps me is solitude and mindfulness and talking to you. 
 

You’re incredibly calming to me  ?

I love you 

*Keeeeeeeeeeeees ?❤️

Hehe. Aww. Thank you honey. I'm so grateful. I can't even express in words. 

I love you so much. Hun 

1 hour ago, Marcel said:

*Looks at you proudly 

Only reassuring, loving and understanding interaction. I like that.

“Any kind of interaction that feels inauthentic should be canceled right there. If it doesn't feel right, mostly it isn't right. “

Exactly. Listen to your gut feeling, it’s always right. Some conversations are just worth leaving hehe 

Hehe. Thank you for your kind words hun. You can teach me a bit of German. Yes you are right. Some conversations are worth leaving. 

 

[Preety_India]

@Marcel do you wish to journal. Just asking. 

 

[Preety_India]

@Marcel Yea I mean you used to have some journals here. I don't know why you suddenly discontinued writing journals. 

I don't particularly like the song journals because I don't see much of a point in it. 

But you had other journals about dreams and your progress and stuff. 

[Preety_India]

@Marcel you can try though. At least like one entry per day if you can. 

I mean you told me that you wanted to write a book. Maybe keeping a consistent journal of your thoughts will give you some ideas and suggestions for your book. 

You can also send those entries to your friend with whom you wanted to write the book. 

You told me that you wanted to create a documentary or something so maybe you can add stuff related to that.