Working on my triggers

[Preety_India]

They feign emotion. 

The example I can come up with is that of Joseph. He told me in a moment that he was cheating on me with absolutely no remorse. 

It's like zero conscience. 

I had a mental breakdown after he told me that. (this was last year). 

He simply gave no fuck. He just didn't care that I was hurt. 

Such people have hideous intent. They hide their intent all along. Keep manipulating you. 

Their actions are very different from their words. There is absolutely zero consistency 

They easily gravitate towards gullible people like me because they are aware that I will believe and trust them. 

They are very predatory. 

They have zero concern of how you will feel when they break up with you.

They have zero emotional investment. They act weird, manipulative and detached. 

The reason they talk to you or want friendship with you is simply because they want something out of you. 

They string you along. Until they find a replacement. 

They treat you like a disposable.. 

They want to appear as though they care about you but they don't want to actually do things that will make you feel secure about the relationship. 

 

In short 

• Predatory behavior
• Manipulative 
• Inconsistency between thought/word and action 
• Mind games 
• Zero Sincerity 
• Zero integrity 
• Zero emotional investment 
• Zero intimacy 
• Zero conscience 
• Facade 
• Use honesty as a weapon 
• High IQ or at least pretend to 
• Will drop you at the drop of a hat 
• Inability to create trust 
• Suspicious behavior 
• Agenda driven. 
• They are not transparent and hide important information 
• They don't publicly acknowledge your relationship or friendship with them. 
• They never apologize or take responsibility or accountability. In the end they blame you and cut you out. 
• They are hypocrites
• They block you. 
• They don't resolve things with you if they don't find it necessary 
• They are not about friendship but more about "what am I getting out of this?" 
• Their business mindedness is acute 
• They place heavy demands on the friendship. 
• They don't have emotional needs 
• They act detached 

 

 

 

 

Edited December 21, 2021 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

The simplest definition of above behavior is this 

— they aren't really keen on building a deep emotional friendship with you. They basically don't give a fuck but show you the opposite, show like they care. They only want you what they want you for and its not love generally. 

This lack of sincerity of emotion is their biggest giveaway and this usually shows up after a while in the relationship as they act distant or unbothered and engage in blatant blame game to slowly rid of you. 

 

 

 

 

When you are disappointed by their lack of emotion or by their betrayal, they feed you breadcrumbs to get you back 

 

They feel entitled to your devotion to them even when you don't feel reciprocated by them. They want your undying devotion and loyalty meanwhile they can do as they please. 

 

 

----------------------

Now coming to the subject of friendships 

I don't think that I need friends anymore. 

I have outgrown that stupid phase of friendships. 

I just need people. 

I no longer crave for deep intimate friendships. There's a valid reason behind this. 

I want friendships with men. Not women. Because, let's be frank, I'm done with women. 

I have to seek friendships with men. But in a way that is not invasive, intrusive or flirtatious since I'm in a solid relationship, I shouldn't have anything that will threaten my relationship. I always have to be careful about that. 

Coming to friendships. 

I don't need deep intimate friendship. Because I know they are a gateway to invasion in relationships. I have had experienced this with my second boyfriend. All his  friends pulled him away from me. That's when I understood the nasty power of friends. 

The last thing I want is a friend who comes between me and my relationship. Nope. Get lost. 

And I am BLUNT AS FUCK WHEN I NEED TO BE BLUNT. 

AGAIN. I am a psychopath in big bold letters. You don't fuck with me. I'll see it and stop it right there. 

My psychopathy is my only survival weapon. I throw one arrow and it hits right on target. It's like to be good you also have to be evil. Otherwise evil will punch you. But before it comes to you, you have to be like a giant Cobra and throw your venom at the enemy to protect your territory. 

I have that mama Bear spirit in me (which is often and generally mistaken for confrontational behavior or fighty problematic person). Nope. I'm cool as a cucumber. But if need arises, I can be in rage if that's what it will take to protect my territory/home. I am feisty and fiercely protective of those I deeply love. 

No friendship can stand in my way of loving those who I deeply love. 

-----------------------------

Now coming to people. I only wish to be surrounded by authentic people. And authentic interactions. 

These people have to be serious, no nonsense, having some integrity (I don't expect a lot of integrity from people, as I'm well aware that being perfectly moral is an insane expectation and is highly inappropriate given the conditions of survival). Yet some integrity is an absolute necessity. 

These are the people I should surround myself with. 

Zero manipulation and no covert games. Simple. Direct. Plain. Understanding and showing maturity and compassion. 

 

 

These are not easy to find.

 

 

 

Edited December 21, 2021 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

I can say that over time and many many interactions I have gotten better at detecting authentic people.. 

It takes time and patience but it's worth the trouble. 

All you need is a few authentic people around you who give you feedback that resonates with your equation in life. 

And people who show some degree of respect, maturity, understanding and compassion and no sneakiness.. 

There you go... You don't even have to be friends with people for something as simple as this. All you need is basic humanity and decency. Rest is GAMES. 

 

[Preety_India]

 

Uploaded a video again 

 

 

[Preety_India]

I'm going to label it for what it is. 

Instead of saying friendship and inviting unwanted problems and undesirable interactions and unnecessary manipulative games and disappointment, I'll use this label - 

"Authentic interactions with authentic people" 

This is a better description of how I want my relations with people from now on. 

It neatly fits into my comfort zone. 

-------------------------------

From now on I only want to interact with people who I consider as truly authentic, respectful, resonating with me and my situation, trustworthy, compassionate, matured, cool and understanding. 

 

 

Edited December 21, 2021 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

It's not exactly the people who trigger me. 

It's rather their mentality, style of communication, attitude, words, comments, behaviors, etc that I find triggering. 

I have high standards with respect to behaviour and how you present yourself. 

If someone is acting dumb and incompassionate, they're generally canceled in my mind by an auto process of filtering. 

 

 

 

 

I have also realized that if I have to attract authentic and respectful people I should be the same to get that. From now on my  interactions are going to be carefully curated, self censored and self monitored. And I'm going to be on my best behavior. 

I'll call this new technique Nahming after our mod Nahm. 

 

I'll go Nahming basically. 

I mean at some point it had to happen I guess. 

Nahm had to convert everyone into a Nahm. 

 

 

Edited December 21, 2021 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

What kind of people I never get along with. 

I don't get along with these type of people 

(also the next question is going to be - what kind of people/behavior trigger me) 

• People who play games. Sneaky nonsense. 
• People who openly use offensive words. 
• People who are generally Right Wing 
• People who are too dogmatic
•  People who constant analyse the character of a stranger. 
• People who comment on personal stuff
• People who can't give others privacy 
• People who don't give space and are too imposing and overbearing. I'm a free spirited bird. The last thing I would want is someone dictating me terms. I find it narcissistic and obnoxious 
• People who are authoritarian. These people are like the worst. Instead of making things better, they always make things worse because they automatically assume that they know more and their view is final and ultimate. They also act like others should follow their rules. 

 

I'm almost an authority repellant. It goes well with my stage Green persona. 

 

I also don't like people who call others a failure or ugly. 

 

These are the people that I detest the most. 

I never consider any person a failure in life. 

Yes they could be immature or idiotic. Ignorant. 

But to call someone a failure is the lowest low and the work of a narcissist. 

Also those who call others ugly are the worst in my mind. 

 

I never like to even use that word, unfortunately there aren't many options 

 

Ugly is an extremely offensive word. It hurts like hell 

Nobody likes to think that they are ugly, man or woman. 

A person who judges someone as ugly is too much of a rotten scumbag for anyone to deal with. 

 

 

Edited December 21, 2021 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

I say to myself - I'll never hurt anyone in word. 

This mentality that I don't wish to hurt anyone lands me in trouble especially when I have to defend myself against bullies. 

I don't get too offensive. Not as offensive as I need to be. 

Sometimes you need to be a bit offensive to repel certain kinds of people 

 

[Preety_India]

Oki so where was I? 

I was saying that I would never call someone a failure in life. 

This has a certain reason behind it. 

My mom raised me in a very dysfunctional way where she would constantly call me a failure 

It stuck with me. 

I learned early on that I shouldn't do that to anyone. And I'll never do that. 

 

Somewhere in my heart it hurts me intensely whenever I say harsh things to anyone. 

It puts me in a guilt cycle. 

 

[Preety_India]

And I'm not sure if this has helped me or done me more harm. 

Maybe I developed a shadow against being cold and rough. 

Maybe it caused me to attract narcissists? 

Maybe I wasn't able to stand my ground or fight it when I was being bullied or manipulated or had my boundaries broken? 

 

 

[Preety_India]

I have found that my trigger levels have gradually declined. 

Over the last few days I tried observing myself. 

Yesterday I contemplated on why I get so triggered. 

And the answer is very simple. 

Any triggering event tends to resurface my trauma associated with verbal abuse and bullying. 

That's the wound that doesn't heal. 

That's the wound that keeps getting fresh everytime I encounter something mean or harsh. 

But yesterday was a different story. 

I thought things through. 

 

Whats the most that's going to happen even if someone said something mean to me? 

The answer is - nothing. 

 

I was thinking what's the worst thing that is going to happen if anyone hated me? 

The answer is nothing. 

Then why do I feel so bothered by other's hate towards me? 

It generally and technically shouldn't.. 

Yesterday I had a dream where people were throwing stones at me.. 

Like literally.. 

 

[Preety_India]

Then I told myself in the dream that it doesn't matter even if people were throwing stones at me. Because that's their karma not mine. 

 

Edited December 22, 2021 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

@Marcel Thank you for the feedback hun. Love you. It means a lot to me. 

I honestly can't believe you read the entire thing. That's kinda incredible. 

Thumbs up. 

 

[Preety_India]

Just now, Marcel said:

@Preety_India

Yup. I read it entirely hehe 

I love reading your journals. Plus I get to understand you even more. Perfect ❤️

That seems like a great idea. I pour out my heart in my journals. Sometimes I don't even know how to say those things directly to you. I'm not too spontaneous in the sense I don't have anything to say off the top of my head, I simply can't think of anything but when I sit down to journal all of my inner thoughts lodged in my subconscious begin to flow like water running through a hose. And I feel electric. It goes on and on almost like talk therapy, as though I'm sitting in a chair talking to a therapist and the journal acts like a therapist. Venting out and releasing all inner thoughts helps me clear up stuff and brings a degree of self awareness, Vulnerability and openness into the workings of my mind. I get to explore myself so much deeper into how and why I do what I do. It helps me with understanding myself better. Lately I've been doing a lot of these self reflection journals.. I used to talk about other stuff a couple of years ago. But there is a user here called Raphael. He really inspired me to talk to myself.. Now I tend to talk to myself and deeply explore my own mind. I never thought of doing this before. It's like self talk. It's a very innovative approach it Seems. So far it is yielding good results for me 

 I'm going deeper and deeper into myself and lots of hidden emotions are coming out. 

I never knew I was actually capable of doing this. 

Next step will be integration of these thoughts. 

 

 

 

[Preety_India]

Just now, Knowledge Hoarder said:

It's a good idea to make these videos from time to time. They bring a level of authenticity, which are not possible with mere posts. I think people here, including myself, would be more polite to each other, if they actually "videod" their responses. There would be less missunderstandings for sure.

I think I'll make a few myself.

Seems like a good idea. I wish there was a audio call system here, you know what I mean like directly talking to a person through an audio.

Right now only vocaroo exists.

It sucks because I can't record long on vocaroo. 

Also there is no chat here. So there will be no need to pm. 

At least there should be one thread only for chat between members.. 

Like the user Hyruga suggested. 

 

[Preety_India]

Just now, Marcel said:

@Preety_India

That’s so awesome.

Yeah I understand what you mean. Here you can freely pour your heart out but explaining it to someone else would be impossible, it’s like your mind goes entirely blank and you don’t know how to express whatever it is that’s on your mind. I have that too.

I read all of your journals hun ?

I’m so glad this is helping you.

*Hugs you tightly 

 

Thank you so much for understanding me. That means a lot. I don't even know how to express my gratitude to you honestly. You really have a big head on your shoulders. 

Sometimes I feel I have such a long way to go with respect to emotional maturity and I still "am" not there yet. 

You help me a lot with opening up insights. Your insights are incredible. You have some real gems. 

I mean the stuff that you say is like kind of stuff I'll say after 5 years of spiritual work. I can't even believe how you know so much. It feels incredible.. 

I mean outside of this site and before joining here you seem to have done a lot of inner work. 

Honestly I feel like a dumb idiot in front of you. 

My only medium of communication is writing and I'm slow even at that. 

It takes me at least 30 posts to arrive at one insight

 

Your brain kinda works on steroids or something. I just can't do that. 

I cannot simply sit and contemplate, my mind will go blank completely. I always need a journal handy to force myself to think. 

I seriously don't know how you manage to self contemplate without the help of writing. 

How do you do it seriously? 

 

[Preety_India]

@Marcel have you noticed recently that I tend to talk a little more with you than just "I love you." 

I used to have this massive anxiety whether I will be able to say anything beyond "I love you" ever. Because I'm so not a chatty person at all. My social anxiety is almost crippling. 

With my first boyfriend I literally and barely spoke a word. 

With my second boyfriend I used to nod my head and simply reply "yes" or "no."

With Joseph I used to talk slightly more but he would dominate the conversation and talk over me. But at least he would encourage me to open up a bit more than my second ex boyfriend. 

Now with you I feel completely free and at ease and I'm able to comfortably open up a lot more 

But I still feel like most of the time I simply can't think of what to say. It gets embarrassing because I literally stare at a person or stare down or look somewhere else because I have nothing to say. It's very hard for me 

 

 

[Preety_India]

@Marcel I get massive anxiety whenever I talk in real life. 

I suck at it 

 

I'm sorry about it. I seriously feel like I need to upgrade my speaking skills. That's why I am making videos. 

But I cannot even talk for more than a minute. 

I could barely speak on the video. 

I was waiting when it was going to cross a minute because I can't upload a video that is shorter than a minute, YouTube doesn't allow that. 

 

Maybe with time I'll be able to make longer videos. 

My goal is to make at least a 30 minute long video. 

But I don't know what I will talk about hehe. 

 

 

 

[Preety_India]

My thoughts on Leo. 

 

[Preety_India]

 

2 minutes ago, Raphael said:

• Enough fighting
• Enough being competitive
• Enough being passive aggressive
• Enough dishonesty
• Enough lying
• Enough not admitting what I want to admit
• Enough denying myself everywhere that I see myself
• Enough pretending to be self-accepting where I'm not self-accepting
• Enough seeing people as inferior as me
• Enough pretending that I cannot interact a minimum with people who are different than me
• Enough denying my feelings
• Enough denying the mind
• Enough making myself sick from not being authentic
• Enough hiding from myself
• Enough being impressed by anybody: being impressed comes the rejection of a part of myself which comes from the fear of admitting my similarities
• Enough pretending to be a kind and caring person where I'm not
• Enough pretending to be responsible when I'm irresponsible
• Enough pretending to be irresponsible when I am responsible
• Enough denying my worth
• Enough creating a fake story about myself
• Enough fakery
• Enough recluding
• Enough pretending to be superior to other people because I spend time on an online forum about self-actualization and reaching my full potential
• Enough pretending to be smart
• Enough pretending to be dumb
• Enough pretending that I'm a hard or smart worker
• Enough denying all the efforts that I put it
• Enough denying feminity
• Enough denying masculinity
• Enough pretending that I want success in my life or want to have an impact on the world
• Enough pretending that I am not interested in people and relationships
• Enough pretending that I don't want any friends
• Enough bragging
• Enough thinking that I am advanced
• Enough denying how developed I am
• Enough pretending that I know something
• Enough pretending that I don't know something
• Enough not expressing myself fully even if it's ugly, even if it's dirty, even if it's disorganized, even if people doesn't like me
• Enough not caring about people
• Enough with the pressure to perform
• Enough denying the value of work, discipline, organization, planning, goal setting
• Enough blaming myself or others or my environment. I am everything, whatever I blame I only blame myself. The only thing to do is to recognize what is happening and adapt in consequence
• Enough entertaining so many internal dialogues within different parts of myself: by doing this self-acceptance is very partial and limited. Full self-acceptance isn't something that we tell ourselves but something that we are
• Enough denying my love for life

Enough. Just enough. I'm sick of all that.

Yesterday I was crying and these were my thoughts. 

Exactly these thoughts.

Sometimes I can't put my thoughts into words. But other people seem to be able to express my thoughts better than I can