Leaving Your Children's Father

[Raptorsin7]

Hey, I was wondering what are everyone's thoughts on this subreddit thread I was reading today. I'm uncertain about what is the right thing to do in this situation and i'm curious to hear some different perspectives.

So a woman talked about how she got her friend to leave her long term boyfriend, and the response was very positive. But I was thinking about how she effectively helped create a single mother household, which I think could have negative effects on the child moving forward. I could definitely see there are situations where it would be better for everyone involved to separate, but I am very skeptical about how lightly this sub viewed the idea of breaking up a family unit, and acting like it's no big deal and she made the right decision.

https://www.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/rkia4m/got_a_friend_to_finally_realize_her_worth_and/

[Yarco]

It's a very incomplete picture...

We aren't getting the guy's side of the story. His gf was paying for 80% of stuff, but what was his role in the relationship? If he was a stay-at-home dad doing all the housework, looking after the kid, preparing meals, that's very different then if he was just an unemployed bum. 

Was this a spontaneous thing where one day she was just like "I'm done" and totally blindsided him? It doesn't sound like they tried to talk or work through their problems at all, or attend any kind of relationship counselling. Very spontaneous. With a kid in the picture, yeah I think they should have put a lot more work into trying to fix things before calling it quits.

If he was trying to isolate her from all friends and family, that's pretty classic abuser behavior. But if he only had a problem with this one "bad influence" friend, then maybe there was something to it.

The fact the gf went back to university kind of strikes me as a mid-life crisis thing that I've seen quite a few women in my own life go through. In the vast majority of cases with friends and couples I know, you see her think she's being treated so badly, and leave to try and find a better life. Only to get treated way worse by new guys she tries to date, realizes how good she had it, and tries to go back to the original guy.

With my own wife I see this thing where she has a Facebook group chat with a couple of friends and they are all constantly complaining about every thing their husband/bf does, along with just other drama and gossiping. So all the friends are hearing about other people's significant others is every bad thing, or every thing they've done wrong, or that has upset the woman. It seems really toxic. No wonder all the women are thinking all the other women's SO's are scumbags. I guess these kinds of conversations have been going on between women for millennia. But in my mom's time, it was an occasional phone call or having a friend over for tea to talk about stuff. Now with social media people are giving each other a 24/7 feed of all the drama and gossip in their lives.

All of the comments have major "yaaaas qweeen" energy and this BBQRanch chick that started the thread has some red flags of her own. How was she able to offer to be free daycare for her friend and all this stuff?

She also made a post
"Since vetting is a lifelong process, after 3 years of marriage, he never stops putting in effort. Random bouquet he got me yesterday. Still surprises me with random jewellery and gift cards to my favorite salons"
https://www.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/l7z0ck/since_vetting_is_a_lifelong_process_after_3_years/

She bought herself a shirt that says "Know your worth, then add tax" and posted it to this subreddit as well.

She just sounds like an insufferable person and measures the success or failure of her relationship based on the material stuff her husband gets her. I'd be curious to know what kind of stuff she gets for him, what kind of effort she's putting in, because I'd be very surprised if it was equal. I feel bad for her husband.

Overall I think it's a pretty shitty thing for the friend to butt in and ruin a friend's relationship without knowing all the details, based on their weird toxic female equivalent of incel ideology where they refer to all guys as "scrotes", especially with a kid involved. It's easy to be the hero and take your friend out one or two times, or tell her she deserves better, when you don't have to deal with any of the fallout.

Reading the subreddit's terms, they describe a High-Value Male (HVM) as one who "pays for dates and a relatively higher proportion of expenses in the relationship" -- what happened to equality? Or was feminism just "have your cake and eat it too" ideology all along? What the majority of women on this subreddit are looking for is literally a sugar daddy, that's their ideal life partner.

Edited December 21, 2021 by Yarco

[Raptorsin7]

@Yarco Yeah the sub is a mixed bag. But I think there are many legitimate grievances expressed on the thread, but there are a lot of bitter/resentful  woman who just love hating on men and getting their delusions reinforced.

1 hour ago, Yarco said:

Reading the subreddit's terms, they describe a High-Value Male (HVM) as one who "pays for dates and a relatively higher proportion of expenses in the relationship" -- what happened to equality? Or was feminism just "have your cake and eat it too" ideology all along? What the majority of women on this subreddit are looking for is literally a sugar daddy, that's their ideal life partner.

I think this is actually fair. Men have advantages when it comes to earning money and being successful, so I don't see an issue with woman expecting men to carry a larger financial burden

https://www.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/rk6pc8/how_do_you_find_out_a_guys_dick_size_without/

Thread's like these don't exactly help the case that the arguments being presented on there are reasonable and integrated lol.

 

Edited December 21, 2021 by Raptorsin7

[something_else]

That's like one of the most toxic subreddits there is, alongside the incel ones. You'd be better not reading it at all, it will fill your mind with junk

 

[Raptorsin7]

5 minutes ago, something_else said:

That's like one of the most toxic subreddits there is, alongside the incel ones. You'd be better not reading it at all, it will fill your mind with junk

 

Nothing is black and white. There are some quality posts and insights there, but I agree most of it is toxic.

Edited December 21, 2021 by Raptorsin7

[something_else]

1 minute ago, Raptorsin7 said:

Nothing is black and white. There are some quality posts and insights there, but I agree most of it is toxic.

It's like going searching for a diamond in a red hot magma pool of toxicity

It's exactly the same as consuming incel content, there are grains of truth and useful insights to be found but in order to find those you have to expose yourself to the most toxic people in the dating world and their ideas which can mentally destroy you

[Raptorsin7]

Just now, something_else said:

It's like going searching for a diamond in a red hot magma pool of toxicity

It's exactly the same as consuming incel content, there are grains of truth and useful insights to be found but in order to find those you have to expose yourself to the most toxic people in the dating world and their ideas which can mentally destroy you

Lol yeah I hear you.

I'm sure it triggers some of my shadow so that's part of why i'm drawn to it. But I don't get consumed by the content I think, and I do believe I have a greater understanding after reading posts from woman on that forum

[Bando]

5 hours ago, Raptorsin7 said:

I'm sure it triggers some of my shadow so that's part of why i'm drawn to it. But I don't get consumed by the content I think, and I do believe I have a greater understanding after reading posts from woman on that forum

Nahh most women aren't that extreme in real life, that subreddit is just like the redpill subreddit there the same people but different genders. Be careful formulating a worldview based on the extremes of a particular group. Shitty people exist everywhere 

[Lyubov]

Don’t take what they say seriously. Like another poster said this is the woman equivalent to red pill / pick up. Every thread about dating is a dumpster fire on that site. 

[Roy]

12 hours ago, Raptorsin7 said:

Nothing is black and white. There are some quality posts and insights there, but I agree most of it is toxic.

While you can find good things here or there, the structure of a forum like reddit is garbage at it's core. Anything with an upvoting/downvoting system is going to cause people to skew their behavior and conversations because they are constantly seeking validation. You can't reliably pursue any insightful discourse if it runs counter to the broad narrative or doesn't cater to the meta-narrative.

[Preety_India]

Having no parent is better than having a shitty parent. 

There is absolutely no loss. In fact it serves as a saving grace. 

How many children ruined, how many marriages ruined just because two people thought divorce was a bad idea. 

Also a father can always exist if he really wants to, get the hint. 

 

 

[Raptorsin7]

I think a lot of you are way off in regards to the role of a father. If a father is shitty then it's likely that the mother is also shitty, because she lacked the sense to avoid reproducing with a shitty man.

So now you have a shitty mother raising a child alone without the influence of a father/male figure. Unless it's an exceptionally rare circumstance , having two shitty parents as part of an intact family will likely lead to better results than 1 shitty parent trying to take on all the responsibility.

Good woman do not pick shitty woman to be fathers of their children, so in many of these cases you have an already dysfunctional situation that is made even worse

[Raze]

The /r/femaledatingstrategy subreddit is full of mentally ill women who hate men, families, and society. They all seem to have some sort of mental health issue and live very bitter lives. Do not take advice from them.

https://imgur.com/a/itzqpOf

the problem with following their advice is if you are this delusional, sane men will naturally avoid you, and the only men who will stick around will either just be there to use you and split asap, or be very socially unaware, or simply be mentally unhealthy themselves. 

Generally raising a child without a father is correlated with many negative outcomes. Children raised without fathers are more likely to be abused, become pregnant as a teenager, runaway, commit suicide, wind up in prison, less likely to go to college, among others. 

Leaving a relationship isn’t necessarily as major a problem, but not having the father in the child’s life or demonizing them to the child is a major problem, generally it should be avoided unless absolutely necessary (father is mentally ill, abusive), in which case effort should be made to compensate it by the mother being extra attentive, the child living with a trustworthy male relative, enrolling the child in scouts or a team sport or something.

Edited December 22, 2021 by Raze

[Etherial Cat]

@Raptorsin7

If two parents realize they are incompatible and their marriage and/or relationship is broken, the best for everyone (including their children) is that they separate.

Why? Because the two parents are going to keep on being in conflict. It is going to affect their mood, needs and growth, and teach their children pretenses are more important than their subjective truth.

Because pretenses and playing a role is how you cope with maintaining something which doesn't feel true otherwise.

This is already a broken home. The best is if both parents start co-parenting and work on their individuation.

15 minutes ago, Raptorsin7 said:

I think a lot of you are way off in regards to the role of a father. If a father is shitty then it's likely that the mother is also shitty, because she lacked the sense to avoid reproducing with a shitty man.

So now you have a shitty mother raising a child alone without the influence of a father/male figure. Unless it's an exceptionally rare circumstance , having two shitty parents as part of an intact family will likely lead to better results than 1 shitty parent trying to take on all the responsibility.

Good woman do not pick shitty woman to be fathers of their children, so in many of these cases you have an already dysfunctional situation that is made even worse

Of course a father is important. But you can be a good father despite of your marriage/relationship status.

As per putting label and assuming /judging the father and mother are shitty humans for having children out of a functioning mariage... Does it feel really fair to you?

Most humans are trying to figure out life and can simply evolve in different ways as they grow and mature.

[Raptorsin7]

3 hours ago, Etherial Cat said:

Of course a father is important. But you can be a good father despite of your marriage/relationship status.

As per putting label and assuming /judging the father and mother are shitty humans for having children out of a functioning mariage... Does it feel really fair to you?

Most humans are trying to figure out life and can simply evolve in different ways as they grow and mature.

Yeah, I agree that it's possible to still have a positive impact as a distance father. But the underlying sentiment expressed on that thread is that these children are better off without the father, and it's very difficult for a father to have a strong impact on a family when he is only visiting part time. 

It's not that having children out of wed lock necessarily makes you a shitty human being, but there are many dysfunctional people having children who have children out of wedlock who then compound the situation by throwing away the child's father, with the expectation that the child is somehow better off or that they will find a better partner in the future.

Everyone is doing their best, but I don't like people being dishonest about the realities of their decisions. Not to mention the fact that these decisions will influence all of us because we all share this world.