How should you deal with someone who only wants to keep up appearances?

[Preety_India]

So my mom wants to invite a few people over, in short she wants to arrange a party. 

I don't wish to be a part of all her extroverted activities especially parties and stuff because I can't fake smile at people. I have never met these people and I don't feel comfortable around people who are complete strangers. 

Plus I have just recently recovered from an illness and I'm looking forward to a long recuperation, at least for 1-2 months. I have been feeling weak and drained most of the time. 

Morning I had a big argument with my mom that I don't want these people at our place. And I kept insisting that i don't like it. She is forcing me to join the get together and I don't wish to be a part of it.

My relationship with my mom is somewhat strained due to many reasons. We never get along. I don't like to do things for appearances. She likes to keep up appearances and she wants to show that we are perfect mother and daughter. But I'm not interested. If I don't feel comfortable, I don't like to do things just to impress society. 

How should I deal with such a situation. 

I have decided that I won't be a part of her party or whatever nonsense she does. 

 

[Yarco]

You live in your mom's house, respect her wishes and do what she wants. It doesn't take much effort to fake smile... it's not that you can't, it's that you don't want to. What are you like late 20s, early 30s? You sound like a teenager dude, sitting alone in your basement and refusing to come up and visit when family comes over.

You say she's just keeping up appearances, but it sounds like she's just being a normal adult trying to have fun and make friends.

It's not any more fair for you to try and force her to be a hermit who can never have friends over just because you're antisocial and it makes you uncomfortable.

3 hours ago, Preety_India said:

I had a big argument with my mom that I don't want these people at our place.

It's not "our place", it's her place. She allows you to live there and you should be more grateful.

If you are really as sick as you say you are, then she should understand and you can just stay in bed the entire time. But it sounds like that's probably what you've already been doing for your whole life.

3 hours ago, Preety_India said:

How should I deal with such a situation. 

I have decided that I won't be a part of her party or whatever nonsense she does. 

Get out. Move. If you want to live by your own rules, then you can get your own place, and give up all the benefits you get of living with your mom.

Edited December 21, 2021 by Yarco

[Preety_India]

@Yarco it's not okay for her to force her desires on me either. 

I am in my mid 20s. I have been working since a long time .. I was working in the US in 2019. I was living away from her for some time. 

When I came back to India, I collected my savings, and took a loan and we bought the house quite recently. 

The house belongs to both of us because we both paid equally when we bought it. I took a loan from bank for the house which I paid off later. That's why I said ours. 

Recently I fell ill and I worked from home during Covid. 

I put all of my savings in the house. It's not easy to do that. I wanted a place for both of us because she always needs some form of medical attention. I pay all the house bills. 

I paid for her surgery a few years ago. 

So i don't think I should leave.. 

I don't force my desires on her ever. 

 

Don't just assume nonsense. 

 

Edited December 21, 2021 by Preety_India

[NoSelfSelf]

Im on your side on this one you dont want to be part of something thats not natural to you and thats okay,your mom doeant understand you because she doesnt see it as a big deal i would say go out that day somewhere its worst to be among the people you dont want to be(forced) it wont help you and will just make you resent yourself,them and future gatherings...

[Preety_India]

@NoSelfSelf yes thanks for the advice.. 

[Matt23]

12 hours ago, Yarco said:

It doesn't take much effort to fake smile... it's not that you can't, it's that you don't want to.

I would absolutely not suggest anyone be inauthentic for any reason, apart from like obvious danger or extremely dire needs like you need to lie to a Nazi officer to escape being killed or something.  Or you need to survive.  

But for this, be yourself as much as possible.  

You have to develop your own sense of self and autonomy before you prioritize pleasing others.  Then, when you do feel truly in control of your own choices and life and not doing things out of guilt or fear or obligation, then maybe feel what's true for you and maybe that's when putting others first is a better strategy.  But that'll take a while probably (I'm also not saying this as a black or white thing like "never" doing things for others.  Obviously that's silly.  But just as an overall priority and focus perhaps). 

I don't know what to do for this particular situation.  But, I'd suggest as an overall strategy to work on making yourself You. People will call you selfish and all that, forget about it.  One of the things you need to do is to push past that as best you can and develop your own sovereignty.  This is what ends of making a truly authentic, soveriegn, and mature human being: the ability to not be influenced by others and truly make your own decisions based off your own sense of what's best to do.  

Of all the developmental models I've studied and experts talking about this, this seems to be the way.  

Edited December 21, 2021 by Matt23

[Preety_India]

3 minutes ago, Matt23 said:

I would absolutely not suggest anyone be inauthentic for any reason, apart from like obvious danger or extremely dire needs like you need to lie to a Nazi officer to escape being killed or something.  Or you need to survive.  

But for this, be yourself as much as possible.  

You have to develop your own sense of self and autonomy before you prioritize pleasing others.  Then, when you do feel truly in control of your own choices and life and not doing things out of guilt or fear or obligation, then maybe feel what's true for you and maybe that's when putting others first is a better strategy.  But that'll take a while probably (I'm also not saying this as a black or white thing like "never" doing things for others.  Obviously that's silly.  But just as an overall priority and focus perhaps). 

I don't know what to do for this particular situation.  But, I'd suggest as an overall strategy to work on making yourself You. People will call you selfish and all that, forget about it.  One of the things you need to do is to push past that as best you can and develop your own sovereignty.  This is what ends of making a truly authentic, soveriegn, and mature human being: the ability to not be influenced by others and truly make your own decisions based off your own sense of what's best to do.  

Of all the developmental models I've studied and experts talking about this, this seems to be the way.  

Thank you so much. Well put. Resonates with my inner self. I don't want to feel forced to do something that I don't wish to. 

 

[Matt23]

9 hours ago, Preety_India said:

I don't want to feel forced to do something that I don't wish to.

I think that's the key: the feeling.  The behavior is almost irrelevant I think.  As in, one can, say in your case, go to the dinner and feel obligated and resentful, or one can go and feel as if they made that choice feeling free.  Perhaps sometimes it's easy to change how you feel and do the thing.  Other times perhaps it's not and one's inner feelings deserve to be respected, since it could be that though that difference might seem small, sometimes, for some people, that change in feeling obligated vs. feeling free and autonomous could be years of personal development to become that one who's let go of all their guilt, blame, and dependencies such that any choice they make feels free and like it's their own.  

9 hours ago, Preety_India said:

Resonates with my inner self.

Trust what feels good (as I believe @Nahm would say).   ...  Where does the name "Nahm" even come from?  Am curious.

[Nahm]

@Matt23

Namaste. 

@Preety_India

What about once she’s dead? 

Will you be glad you didn’t allow her to eat, drink & be merry? 

Don’t you have a bedroom or something you could stay in? 

[Preety_India]

@Nahm she does not want me to stay in my room. She wants me to talk to those people. The problem is that I generally get uncomfortable and anxious around people that I do not know at all. I always socialise at my own pace. If I'm forced to talk to people it makes me super nervous and worsens my social anxiety. 

I have explained her this several times but she never understands. 

I have no problem if she enjoys her life doing whatever she wants as long as it is not at my expense. 

She is kinda extroverted and I'm sort of introverted. So we're a mismatch. Plus we never got along growing up 

I feel very uncomfortable to do things that I don't find authentic. I can't fake smile. Whatever I tend to do I just do it naturally. It would look very awkward if I sat with her guests pretending to laugh and smile when I'm feeling like shit inside. 

I don't want people to get this wrong idea that everything is great between me and her when the reality is completely different. 

I mean morning she will fight with me pretty aggressively and the guests will arrive a few hours later and I am supposed to smile at them. I find it gross and pointless. 

I mean what's the point of showing and keeping up appearances when things are so rotten inside? 

 

[Nahm]

@Preety_India

There is no assertion. 

Who cares about any of this. Obviously liberation from anxiety is what’s relevant. 

You could find as many reasons for getting along as you are for not getting along. 

[Preety_India]

@Nahm what do you think I should do? 

 

[Nahm]

@Preety_India

Question just how authentic anxiety & social anxiety is, and inspect your belief in assertion to it’s ultimate end. 

It is, so to speak ‘rotten inside’, and yet it is you who is ‘keeping up appearances’. 

It’s not about mum, at all. 

Mum’s are just for loving. 

Also, you’re using ‘appearances’ when ‘illusions’ is far more accurate. 

[Breakingthewall]

The issue here is not the party but the fine line between not letting yourself be manipulated or being a capricious tyrant. My rule in these cases is: say to everyone ok ok, and then do whatever I want, without arguing, without creating drama. once you have created drama (as is the case) in the end you always have to bend to the desire of the other or look like an inflexible tyrant.

[Preety_India]

@Breakingthewall I didn't quite get you. Can you explain again a bit more clearly. Who is the tyrant? 

 

[Breakingthewall]

the tyrant is the one who forces the other to do his will. she is trying to force you to go to the party, which is tyranny, and you are forcing her to cancel the party, which is tyranny too. the optimum would be a solomonic solution, type. ok do the party, and then don't go. The problem is that it is your home, you have to use your imagination to come up with a solution in which no one is forced to do anything without argue. If after she feels disappointed because you didn't go...it's her problem, you do your will. 

Over time she will get used to the fact that it is impossible to force you to do what she wants and she will stop trying. not because you tell him: stop forcing me. That does not work. what works is that he realizes that it is impossible, no arguments, no yelling, just facts

[Preety_India]

@Breakingthewall this seems to be a great solution. Thanks for the insight. 

 

[Breakingthewall]

@Preety_India i hope it works for you. In my experience arguing and giving explanations does not work, only the facts, and to be able to do what you want without feeling guilty it is important not to have entered into discussions and dramas before

[Nahm]

@Breakingthewall

Wonderful. ?? 

[Breakingthewall]

@Nahm thanks!