Your techniques/practices to let go each day ?

[Gabith]

I did huge progress in one month with self-love practices, realizing that I was attractice and not ugly or "not good enough", I'm starting to manifest things in my life, also start to see the magic of Reality, that I can learn from everything and that everything happens for a reason. 

It's all great but I had the realisation that I was too attached to find a good girlfriend. When I interact with women that I like (because they're pretty or because we have a lot of things in common) I want sex from them, I want love, approval...  The problem is that I want something from them & I think that is the main thing that stop me to be truly authentic and to simply enjoy the dates. 

I want to be free from these chains that I created myself, I want to stop being afraid of losing an opportunity or to be afraid to be hated/disliked by a woman I like. 

I believe letting go is what I need but I've never consciously practiced "letting go" before. Do you know practices/techniques that were effective for you and that  could set me free from my need to please/get something from girls ? 

 

[Raze]

You can try “happiness beyond thought” by Gary Weber, the Byron Katie method, the Sedona method, and letting go by Davis Hawkins.

[flowboy]

6 hours ago, Gabith said:

It's all great but I had the realisation that I was too attached to find a good girlfriend. When I interact with women that I like (because they're pretty or because we have a lot of things in common) I want sex from them, I want love, approval...  The problem is that I want something from them & I think that is the main thing that stop me to be truly authentic and to simply enjoy the dates. 

Actually, needing something from them is what is stopping you from being truly authentic and enjoying the dates.

Wanting sex from them is not only okay, but without that there is no point in going on the date!

Are you okay expressing your desire for a woman openly, or is there some shadow around that?

Are you currently in a place where you can say: "I'm attracted to you" without flinching or making yourself uncomfortable, thus projecting an incongruent vibe?

 

1. If you have a shadow around your desire, then the next step is to work through that by practicing honest expression. (Learn to say: "I think you're hot.", "I would fuck you", "I'm attracted to you" from a comfortable, detached place)
2. If you actually have neediness, then your sense of being complete without her needs work, and is what is missing.
   The best way to do that is to create a life you love, that you think is awesome even without a woman.
   The quick and dirty way around it is to just have more dates on the calendar.

 

Edited December 19, 2021 by flowboy

[flowboy]

6 hours ago, Gabith said:

I want love, approval

This tells me that you haven't gone deep enough on the source of your lack of self-love and approval.

Self-love practices are good, but they are surface level. A temporary action to raise your vibration for today, but not always tomorrow.

Like we discussed in DMs, if you want approval, there is deeper work you can do to go back to the root of that lack of self-approval, heal it, and your problem is solved. Your favorite shadow work method should be enough to get you there in most cases.

Edited December 19, 2021 by flowboy

[Gabith]

I don't think I would have a problem to say that but I never did this before. 

My way of showing that I'm attracted to a woman is the way I look at her/listen to her. But I didn't think about telling her something along "I want you"  and I read that it's a scientific fact that women are more attracted to men whose feelings are unclear.

If I tell a woman that I want sex with her or if I'm ready to fall into her arms after one date, I believe it will be repulsive to her because it will indicates to her "this guy is needy" or "he doesn't like me for what I am, he just want sex" 

For my first dates when a woman please me, I can't help myself but showing her that I'm attracted (the way I look at her) and I think that is counter-productive, I have to be more centered, authentic and not showing her "hey I want you, I'm just like those others guy "

Maybe I'm wrong but it's the way I see things 

[Gabith]

9 minutes ago, flowboy said:

This tells me that you haven't gone deep enough on the source of your lack of self-love and approval.

Self-love practices are good, but they are surface level. A temporary action to raise your vibration for today, but not always tomorrow.

Like we discussed in DMs, if you want approval, there is deeper work you can do to go back to the root of that lack of self-approval, heal it, and your problem is solved. Your favorite shadow work method should be enough to get you there in most cases.

Okay thanks. I'm doing shadow work everyday with a simple technique:

1. Find sth you wanna work with for example my neediness
 2. Invite whatever you chose to having a conversation with you
3. Start talking to it, ask questions, recognize you are not who you used to be
4. Acknowledge that aspect you chose, don’t judge it
5. Integrate it, picture yourself going back in timeline, imagine who you are now going back to that event causing your shadow and give yourself the support you needed back then, then walk yourself from the past self to yourself now
 

I started yesterday but it didn't worked, I have hard time to visualise something, I'm doing it everyday before going to bed and I believe it will work with enough practice

Edited December 19, 2021 by Gabith

[flowboy]

16 minutes ago, Gabith said:

If I tell a woman that I want sex with her or if I'm ready to fall into her arms after one date, I believe it will be repulsive to her because it will indicates to her "this guy is needy" or "he doesn't like me for what I am, he just want sex" 

For my first dates when a woman please me, I can't help myself but showing her that I'm attracted (the way I look at her) and I think that is counter-productive, I have to be more centered, authentic and not showing her "hey I want you, I'm just like those others guy "

Maybe I'm wrong but it's the way I see things 

You are confusing wants for needs. That is where you are stuck.

• A man who can authentically express his desire, is an attractive man. Actually the inability to express this makes you unattractive. Stop telling yourself that you can express this by looking at her a certain way, or listening to her. That's how women express attraction, not how men do it. Women expect you to be able to be direct. So increase your direct expression of your desires. (Of course, in situations where it's socially appropriate and doesn't cause her embarrassment)
• A man who needs a woman to give him sex, love, or approval, is an unattractive man. Neediness is like having bad breath, it's just a no-no.

So you have to show up to the date, making her feel: "I am attracted to you, but I don't need you, and I need to know more about you to be sure that I actually want you."

That means, wanting her physically is not the same as being ready to fall into her arms.

(Don't fall into her arms anyway, better to let her fall into yours)

You may be attracted to her body, but if you are truly not needy, you still are not convinced that she is the right woman for you until you know her better, and have screened her to know that she ticks all your boxes.

What are your standards for a woman?

If it's just "attractive and willing to have sex with me" you are too desperate.

Take some time to contemplate what type of woman would be a healthy match for you, and practice interviewing her to find that out.

You can tell her that you think she's hot, but you still need to know more about her, to be sure that you want her.

This is the correct vibe to come from.

Edited December 19, 2021 by flowboy

[flowboy]

13 minutes ago, Gabith said:

Okay thanks. I'm doing shadow work everyday with a simple technique:

1. Find sth you wanna work with for example my neediness
 2. Invite whatever you chose to having a conversation with you
3. Start talking to it, ask questions, recognize you are not who you used to be
4. Acknowledge that aspect you chose, don’t judge it
5. Integrate it, picture yourself going back in timeline (time isn’t linear), imagine who you are now going back to that event causing your shadow and give yourself the support you needed back then, then walk yourself from the past self to yourself now
 

I started yesterday but it didn't worked, I have hard time to visualise something, I'm doing it everyday before going to bed and I believe it will work with enough practice

@Gabith Have you tried doing it while writing?

You can just do this while writing instead of visualising, it certainly works better for me.

The trick is to not think about your answers, just write the first thing that comes up and don't stop writing. Don't stop to worry whether it makes sense. This is how you channel your subconscious.

Did this yesterday and worked pretty well, here's a simple example for you:

Hope that helps!

[Gabith]

14 minutes ago, flowboy said:

You are confusing wants for needs. That is where you are stuck.

• A man who can authentically express his desire, is an attractive man. Actually the inability to express this makes you unattractive. Stop telling yourself that you can express this by looking at her a certain way, or listening to her. That's how women express attraction, not how men do it. Women expect you to be able to be direct. So increase your direct expression of your desires. (Of course, in situations where it's socially appropriate and doesn't cause her embarrassment)
• A man who needs a woman to give him sex, love, or approval, is an unattractive man. Neediness is like having bad breath, it's just a no-no.

So you have to show up to the date, making her feel: "I want you, but I don't need you."

That means, wanting her is not the same as being ready to fall into her arms.

You may be attracted to her body, but if you are truly not needy, you still are not convinced that she is the right woman for you until you know her better, and have screened her to know that she ticks all your boxes.

What are your standards for a woman?

If it's just "attractive and willing to have sex with me" you are too desperate.

Take some time to contemplate what type of woman would be a healthy match for you, and practice interviewing her to find that out.

You can tell her that you think she's hot, but you still need to know more about her, to be sure that you want her.

This is the correct vibe to come from.

Thank u, it sound more true & clear to me ! very helpful

[Gabith]

@flowboy Great I will try this tonight your posts are inspiring I can't wait to see what I'll be writing down 

[flowboy]

@Gabith  Cool!

[Gabith]

Here's what I got yesterday  * is for the child

 

Why do you need to please others all the time?
* I don't know
Are you sure? Tell me everything, I'm here, I'm listening, I'm sorry I ignored you for so long
* I'm afraid of being abandoned, of not being loved
Why?
* I don't remember
When did you first feel the need to please others?
* At school, I think
Please show me, tell me more
* I got bullied when I was in high school, since then I don't dare show my face for fear of being made fun of or rejected
You don't have to be afraid anymore I'm here 
What can I do to help you?
* Protect myself
How can I help?
* Don't let them hurt me
I'm doing my best, they can't do anything to you anymore, it's over, you're loved, I love you. You can go, you don't have to be afraid anymore
* I don't want to go
What do you want from me?
* That you love me

I love you already my love
* It's not true
Why do you think that?
* You're manipulating me
Maybe you're right but I don't know what to do, show me, I want to help you
* Make love with me
How?
...are you here?
Tell me how to help you, you deserve to be loved. What are you afraid of, what do you feel?
* Shame, embarrassment, I feel alone, I need you
I'm here now, I'm listening to you
* What are we going to do?
What you want to do, tell me
* I want to kill
To kill who and why?
* The people who hurt me
I can go with you and forgive them, they didn't know what they were doing, they were lost
* I still want to kill them
Ok, I'll kill them with a gun, they're dead and they can never hurt you again
* Thank you
How do you feel?
* Bad
Why?
* I'm afraid
But what are you afraid of?
* That I'll be laughed at

No one will laugh at you anymore, I'm tall and strong now
* It's not true
Why do you think so?
* You're weak
I just want to help you
* Look for
I can't see clearly
You're perfect the way you are, you don't have to be afraid or try to please anyone
* You don't know how much I've suffered
I wish I knew and saved you
* Okay listen to me... I was in school, I was bullied, I suffered, I didn't know what to do, you weren't there to listen to me, you let it all happen, I didn't know how to defend myself, my parents didn't help me. So I adapted myself to try to please and avoid conflicts
You don't have to do that anymore, there's no need to protect yourself. You can be yourself and I swear people will love you like that
* I don't believe you
* I don't have a home
How can I make one for you?
* By loving me, asking for me and stopping trying to avoid me
I'll do my best to feel and love you

Can you guide me, how to do it? What do you want from me?
* I don't want anything from you
We're going in circles, help me help you
* You suck
That's not true, I'm wonderful and so are you
* Prove it
I know it, how can I prove it to you?
* Find a good girl
I will but I need to help you first Otherwise you'll need to please
* How can you help me?
That's the question I'm asking you, how?
No responses, a minute later:
I feel you, you are towards my stomach

I was very tired and tried to visualize scene where I was helping this part of me but it was hard to visualize & there was no real memories... I will continue tonight & everyday, hope I'll get better results 

Edited December 20, 2021 by Gabith

[flowboy]

@Gabith Excellent.

Truly excellent.

This can take many sessions!

Treat it like a real relationship with a child you love and have ignored for years. Kind of like if it were your estranged son, who you left alone to go travel for work, and didn't speak to for years.

They might not forgive you and trust you right away, the first day you show up and say: "I'm back!".

But they will eventually, if you keep showing up and coming back to them.

So don't stop now.

Edited December 20, 2021 by flowboy

[Gabith]

@flowboy Thanks

[Raze]

18 hours ago, Gabith said:

I don't think I would have a problem to say that but I never did this before. 

My way of showing that I'm attracted to a woman is the way I look at her/listen to her. But I didn't think about telling her something along "I want you"  and I read that it's a scientific fact that women are more attracted to men whose feelings are unclear.

If I tell a woman that I want sex with her or if I'm ready to fall into her arms after one date, I believe it will be repulsive to her because it will indicates to her "this guy is needy" or "he doesn't like me for what I am, he just want sex" 

For my first dates when a woman please me, I can't help myself but showing her that I'm attracted (the way I look at her) and I think that is counter-productive, I have to be more centered, authentic and not showing her "hey I want you, I'm just like those others guy "

Maybe I'm wrong but it's the way I see things 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yC2ZiPfwf1M

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7L2MzmE8cwo

[Gabith]

 I'm doing progress, toward the end, I had little moments of visualisation where I helped my child & he was able to open up a little bit 
I had little memories coming back but they were not vivid (it's not like I was living the scene)

Hi it's me again, how are you?
* Bad
Why are you feeling bad ?
* I'm afraid
What are you afraid of?
* Of you 
I don't understand
* Ok listen to me I'm tired, tired of being called names, tired of being disrespected, tired of having no friends. I want to kill myself
I'd like to help you, can you show me what hurts you?
* I don't want to show you
You can trust me
* Why?
Because I'm here to help you and love you

* Prove it
I'll talk to you every day, I won't ignore you anymore
* You lie
I swear I haven't, I've changed, I'm an adult now
* Okay what are we gonna do?
We're gonna love you
* But why?
So you'll stop suffering
* But I want to suffer
No, you want to be good and protected and I can give you that
* Go ahead and do it
(moment of visualization where I was bullied, I helped myself) 
Are you okay?
* Yes I'm fine
I'm happy for you, is there anything else I can do for you?
Can you stop trying to please others now?
* No

Why?
* Because I need you to love me
I'd like to help you but I need you to cooperate 
* I don't want to cooperate
What can I do?
* I want you to love me
I do
* No
Show me what hurts you
* What hurts me is you
Tell me why 
* Cause you ignore me
No I'm not ignoring you anymore
* Yes you are
No, I talk to you and try to help you
* It's not true
I am lost
* Why are you lost?
Because I'm trying to help you but it's not working
* Okay
I'm staying with you
Is there anything you want to say to me?
* Yes, you suck, I don't want to see you anymore
But I want to see you and I'm really sorry for what you went through, I'm doing my best to save you
* Save me
(moment of visualization) 
Here is
* Thank you
You're welcome.  Is there anything else you want to show me?
* Yes
Okay, I'm watching (moment of visualization)
How do you feel?
* Better
I'm glad you let me help you
* Me too
See, you can trust me, show me something else
(moment of visualization)
Are you ok?
* I'm fine
What can I do for you?
* You can love me
I love you
* Me too
I love you more than anything
* Thank you
Is there anything you want to say to me?
* Yes, I'd like to go out with you 
Where ?
* In a park
(moment of visualisation in a park)
* Thank you
* What do we do now?
Do you still need to please others?
* No
Is there anything else I can do for you?
* Yes you can love me
So let's do this...
I'll see you tomorrow, good night

 

I think I need to do more work with this because even if the child said "No" to my question "do you still need to please others?" , I didn't had big emotional release/experience and I still feel the desire to please women 

[Gabith]

21 December

Good evening my love
* Good evening
How are you ?
* I'm fine
I'm glad to hear you, what can I do for you?
* I don't know
Would you like to show me something?
* Yes
I'm listening (moment of visualisation)
Are you feeling better?
* Yes thank you
What are you thinking about?
* I don't know
Are you sure ?
* I think of all the evil that was done to me
You want to tell me more?
* Yes, I'd like to tell you more
I'm listening to you
* I was bullied for years and it destroyed me, I don't know what to do
You can show me what hurt you and I'll fix it
(visualization)
* Thank you
You're welcome my love
Is there anything else I can do?
* Yes you can
Tell me what
* I'd like you to love me
I love you, my love, you know that, don't you?
* Yes, I know it
that's nice!
You see you've got nothing to fear, I'm here
* Yes thank you I'm happy
* Can I ask you something? 
Yes, tell me
* Will you give me a hug?
Of course I will
* Thank you
What do you want to do?
* I don't know and you?
Just tell me what you feel like
* I want an ice cream
(visualization)
bon appétit
What moment hurt you the most at school?
* It was when we were doing presentations between students in all classes of the school. We were drawn by lot 
I was choosed to be with a girl who ended up crying because she was with me and she didn't want to. I tried to reassure her but it didn't worked and everyone was judging me like I was a monster or a bad person. They didn't know why she was crying, they thought that I did or told something bad to her...
(viewing)
Are you ok now? 
* Yes, I'm fine.
I wish you a good night, see you tomorrow I love you
* I love you too

[flowboy]

Excellent.

I respect you keeping this up.

Seems to be going in a great direction

[sidaz10]

how ofter do you do "The Work of Byron Katie" until emotion doesn't come back so strong or vanish ?