The Challenges of Making Bold Life Changes

[Raphael]

Alright... I initially thought that I would take at least a 3 months break from this forum to handle a lot of changes but as I'm currently backsliding a bit I decided to write some stuff here.

I started to lose an old identity several months ago and in consequence, I became more and more agitated. I experienced a lot of pain as many things from the past came back to the surface. I had many mood swings, felt lost and disoriented. End of October, I didn't know what to do as my inner compass was all over the place so I decided to have a break to clean myself.

I spent a lot of time observing myself, inspecting myself, and healing. I became much more aware that my relationship with this forum was trauma-related and I think that this applies to many people here. Having a trauma-related relationship with actualized.org is something that I already became aware of during the middle of this year but this time I decided to take action on it. I noticed that every time that I would use this forum it would feel distasteful and I got tired of this feeling. It was a feeling of pressure, of me needing to perform, of me needing to fit some perfect standards. After going through my past and processing many emotions, things feel better. I can now read this place while being more at peace and I'm also noticing people that I wouldn't notice before as I raised my vibration. However, this is still an ongoing process and they are other things that I want to clean up before starting to journal again more regularly (and more consciously) here.

I contemplated my relationship with work and I noticed that I have been pressured and shamed from all sides in the past:

• I have been shamed and pressured for being proactive, work-oriented, and organized
• I have been shamed, pressured, being called dumb for enjoying life and not taking things too seriously

Being shame from all sides explains why it has always been difficult for me to be balanced: why I'm sometimes too work-oriented and sometimes too complacent. I have difficulties being calibrated. Also, I'm experiencing some chest burn as I'm writing this as they are still things to clean up.

I asked myself this morning: "How should I live life? What should be my attitude towards life?". After a few minutes, the following thought appeared: "Life is about experience, there's nothing more than experience, experience or the now is everything that there is". While this is true, it also felt like a deny of setting a direction, listening to my inner voice and the challenges that it implies. From my experience so far and in accordance with my personality, being too directionless is as painful as being too certain:

• Being too directionless makes us creative but too chaotic and therefore neurotic
• Moving with too much certainty makes us high achieving yet neurotic when we can't achieve

Setting a direction without being too attached to it and enjoying the experience with an objective in mind looks like the appropriate balance to me.

I got back in touch with a friend in the past months who has his own small tech company and I consider him balanced regarding experiencing/achieving. His attitude is: "This is the objective, this is where we want to go but what's more important is that things are agreeable for all of us. Sure, it might take more time than expected but this is OK as long as we can sustain it while enjoying the experience.". He has some healthy characteristics that I want to integrate while I still want to be slightly more work-oriented than him. I'm not sure if this is trauma or caused by the fact that I want a lot of diverse life experiences, maybe a bit of both... What we choose to do comes from balancing what we want / what we don't want. We might argue about the potential to grow from doing what we want vs. doing what we don't want but for the moment I consider that embracing this paradox of sometimes doing what we want and sometimes doing what we don't want as doing something that we don't want and who will ultimately grow us...

Speaking of people... I started to become much more observant of people around me and noticed parts of myself everywhere. Everyone that I'm attracted to or who I reject represents a part of me to be integrated and to make peace with. We always meet the right people at the right moment and if we do an effort to stay aware we can healthily integrate them. I noticed parts of myself everywhere: in my family, in my work environment, on this forum. I am everywhere, all the time...

To be continued... (maybe... because I feel the desire to go off again)

Edited December 20, 2021 by Raphael

[Raphael]

Going back to this forum earlier than expected and trying to deconstruct it is exactly what backsliding means. While creating this thread, i had this feeling: "Look at how good I am, I have the capacity to deconstruct actualized.org". I don't even know if I want to do that anymore, I'm a bit confused and disoriented.

One thing that I am sure is that doing some shadow work on Leo is going to be useful. The first time that I watched one of his videos I was frightened by the similarities between me and him. It felt like being face to face with my clone, it felt like talking to myself.

 

[Raphael]

I'm am exhausting this feeling, it takes time but I am exhausting it. I had and still have some forum ego. I used this forum to get the attention that I didn't got when I was a kid, I did it by creating journals like the ones below. Now, there's nothing good or bad about that, what matters is that it comes from an healthy place.

In my case the feeling behind these journals was: "Look at how self-actualizing I am, look at how much work I put in. I'm showing you publicly how much self-actualizing I am, how much disciplined, how much I work, how much serious I am".

 

Edited December 20, 2021 by Raphael

[Raphael]

55 minutes ago, Raphael said:

I'm am exhausting this feeling, it takes time but I am exhausting it.

It always comes back to the same feeling: the feeling of not being enough.

From the outside I'm a normal human being, probably in the top 20% of what is supposed to be healthy. Most people have a good opinion of me, yet there's still this feeling of not being enough. This insecure ego hides itself behind anything that it can:

• Good look: look at how good looking I am, I'm better than you
• Bad look: look at how bad looking I am, I'm better than you for being not good looking
• Muscles: look at how muscular I am, you are so weak
• Intellect: look at how intellectual I am, you are so dumb
• Being dumb: look at how dumb I am, you are bad for being intelligent
• Spirituality: look at how spiritual I am, I don't have anything to do with non-spiritual people
• Online journaling: look at how much I journal and how much practical journals I create
• Work, Discipline, Organization: look at how much organized, disciplined, and hard working I am
• Insecurity: look at how insecure I am
• Confidence & Self-Esteem: look at how confident and how much self-esteem I have
• Self-acceptance: look at how self-accepting I am, you are bad for not being as self-accepting as me
• Being fucked: look at how fucked up I am
• Running fast: look at how fast I run
• Stage Yellow: look how much stage Yellow I am
• God: yeah, I'm God. I'm better than anyone cause I'm God

It is a feeling of importance coming from a feeling of un-importance.

Edited December 20, 2021 by Raphael

[Raphael]

@Raphael

This is ok, I love you. This is ok, I love you. This is ok, I love you. This is ok, I love you. This is ok, I love you. This is ok, I love you. This is ok, I love you. This is ok, I love you. This is ok, I love you. This is ok, I love you. This is ok, I love you. This is ok, I love you. This is ok, I love you. This is ok, I love you. This is ok, I love you. This is ok, I love you.

Alright, this is alright, this is alright, everything is gonna be alright. Everything is alright, everything is alright, everything is alright, everything is alright, everything is alright, everything is alright, everything is alright, everything is alright. This is alright, this is alright, this is alright, this is alright, this is alright, this is alright, this is alright, this is alright, this is alright, this is alright, this is alright, this is alright, this is alright, this is alright, this is alright, this is alright, this is alright, this is alright, this is alright, this is alright, this is alright, this is alright, this is alright, this is alright, this is alright, this is alright, this is alright, this is alright, this is alright, this is alright, this is alright, this is alright, this alright.

@Raphael Breath... just breath

This is alright, everything is ok, everything is going to be ok. This is alright, this is alright, this is alright, this is alright, this is alright, this is alright, this is alright, this is alright. This is alright, this is alright, this is alright, this is alright, this is alright, this is alright, this is alright, this is alright, this is alright, this is alright, this is alright.

[Raphael]

During all these years I barely shared anything about me, only 3% - 4% of who I am. This is similar to my attitude in real life: I'm here without being here, I exists without existing.

[Raphael]

People know me without knowing me. Who is @Raphael ? Oh just this guy who stays alone all the time.

[Raphael]

There's a part of my personality who is trying to get back to the surface. A part of me who have been denied since too long.

[Raphael]

1 minute ago, Raphael said:

A part of me who have been denied since too long.

What is this part?

[Raphael]

1 minute ago, Raphael said:

What is this part?

The loving part?

The caring part?

The self-accepting part?

The feminine part?

The mother part?

The sister part?

[Raphael]

Just now, Raphael said:

The loving part?

The caring part?

The self-accepting part?

The feminine part?

The mother part?

The sister part?

The feminine part.

[Raphael]

1 minute ago, Raphael said:

The feminine part.

I've had enough masculinity in my life.

[Raphael]

Just now, Raphael said:

I've had enough masculinity in my life.

Is it true? Because sometimes I also feel too much feminine.

Is it a problem of balance again? Is it related to this part work session that I did weeks ago?

[Raphael]

1 minute ago, Raphael said:

Is it true?

Yes, this is true.

2 minutes ago, Raphael said:

Is it a problem of balance again?

Yes, this is a problem of balance again:

I've been shamed by my dad for not being masculine enough, for being weak.

I've been shamed by my sister for being bitter and not being as kind and agreable as her. It feels like she says to me what she is afraid to say to my dad.

[Raphael]

How am I supposed to live my life?

• As a man?
• As a woman?
• As both?

[Raphael]

Just now, Raphael said:

How am I supposed to live my life?

• As a man?
• As a woman?
• As both?

As both.

 

[Raphael]

Just now, Raphael said:

As both.

 

How does both feels like? Let's try.

[Raphael]

For the moment, it's 12:27 PM. I was supposed to go to bed at 9PM while I'm there talking to myself, feeling some burn in my chest, feeling my intestines twisting themselves, feeling some shame, breathing quickly, spitting on the floor, and trying to sort myself out.

I'll contact my friend who is also my boss who have the same age as me tomorrow morning. I'll tell him that I'm going to work from home as I almost didn't sleep of the entire night.

[Raphael]

How does being fully integrated feels like?

[Raphael]

2 minutes ago, Raphael said:

How does being fully integrated feels like?

It feels vivid.

It feels beautiful.

It feels complex and sophisticated yet easily understandable.

It feels clear.

It knows where it goes and enjoy what it does.

It feels balanced.

It feels kind and strong at the same time.

It feels powerful.

It helps and ask for help.

It is generous.

It feels serious without being serious.

It feels mature and responsible while having fun at the same time.

It feels like an adult and like a kid at the same time.

It is holistic.

It is not afraid of sharing what it is afraid of.

It is deep, very deep, deeper than anyone can image yet simple in appearance.

It is self-expressive.

It knows how to do the right thing at the right time.

It has all its chackras opened

It feels self-accepting.

It feels blissfully action-oriented.

It feels being God.

It feels leading and cooperative.