The Challenges of Making Bold Life Changes

[Raphael]

Construct Awareness + Integration

I have to admit that my construct awareness developmental line is becoming insanely developed and it makes me feel a bit uncomfortable because... I put very little effort into it. I currently don't meditate that much and never meditated for long hours (my maximum was 2 hours and I did that only one time in my entire life) + I never took psychedelics. This is effortless for me. I can see more and more easily through concepts and through people while I'm conscious that I am limited by my own nature.

However... because of that, I am a bit prone to fall into spiritual bypassing and I don't want that. My other developmental lines are behind, most of them are above average yet the social developmental line is a bit below but I have been doing some progress lately by:

• Spending more time with people
• Taking my mom and sister to the restaurant
• Asserting myself in a strong masculine way with my dad (it gave me a serious confidence boost)
• The two next steps for the social line are going to be to:
  • Connect more with people with where they are notably through empathetic listening
  • Talk more with women

I want to be a highly integrated individual. It should take 2 - 3 years to have a good integration and at least 5 years to have a high-quality integration.

[Raphael]

I also feel the desire to have a more integrated journal that will combine all aspects of myself. A journal that would be:

• Vulnerable
• Reflective
• Expressive
• Masculine
• Feminine
• Goal-Oriented
• Rational
• Artistic
• Spiritual
• And so on, and so on...

If it has to come, it will come at the appropriate time.

Edited January 27, 2022 by Raphael

[Raphael]

Synchronicities are coming from everywhere with everybody that I meet.

[Raphael]

I love you all ♥

[Raphael]

Kundalini Awakening: An Overview of My Situation

I have been going through a Kundalini awakening for at least 4 months now. It got pretty intense around the end of December - beginning January where it felt like insanity. To this day, I'm still into it and experience symptoms every day. Here are the symptoms that I experienced so far:

• Disorientation
• Difficulties making decisions
• Difficulties being mindful
• Difficulties using the mind. It includes difficulties thinking systematically, thinking critically, and difficulties focusing
• Difficulties working
• Mimicking people instead of thinking by myself
• Difficulties sleeping
• Decrease sexual desires
• Waking up in the middle of the night
• Cold or burning sensation (like a fire) in my entire body
• Muscle twisting
• Light suicidal thoughts
• Feeling that I am dying. It happened this night: I woke up around 4 AM feeling that I'm dying and saying "I'm dying, I'm dying"
• Energy moving from my spine up to my head
• Fast state of consciousness changes
• Feeling of navigating between past versions of myself to where I will maybe be in the future
• Wanting to take revenge on people, including revenge on women
• Many traumatic memories coming back to the surface including very early childhood memory. One memory that came back yesterday was from a trauma that I experienced when I was 3 or 4 years old

While all of that is difficult to endure, I'm going through a lot of changes and experiencing a lot of growth:

• I started working in a new office where I spend more time with people
• I bought some new clothes and new health products
• I changed my eating habit
• I gained in assertiveness and boundaries
• I almost don't watch porn anymore
• I experience very quick healing (I'll even say almost instantaneous healing) triggered by random events from everyday
• My relationship with my family is improving
• I'm more forgiving of my dad and letting go of him
• I'm seeing synchronicities every day, everywhere
• I'm becoming kinder and more open to different views
• My self-esteem is improving
• There's a feeling that I am developing some paranormal abilities but I'm not sure what this is. I'm more aware of the energy moving in my body and can make it move consciously
• My seven chakras are opening up but they are still blockages
• There's a sensation that my entire body is restructuring itself to adapt to a new life with new challenges

Also:

• I'm becoming aware of a certain number of cognitive dissonances within me that I wasn't aware of before.
• I'm becoming more aware of my sense of superiority coming from insecurity.
• I became more aware of a passive-aggressive and manipulative behavior.
• I see my sense of inferiority/superiority showing up in this journal. I'm trying to hide behind vulnerability or hide by faking my own development

Overall, I'm making small progress every day.

Edited February 1, 2022 by Raphael

[Raphael]

Ok. I'm stable. I'm stopping there for this journal. I will maybe create a new journal later this year.