The Challenges of Making Bold Life Changes

[Raphael]

After 4 years of chaos (especially between mid 20 to mid 23), things are finally getting together. I really didn't expected these last years to be so chaotic:

• I didn't expected to be bullied in work environments
• I didn't expected to work as an undeclared worker
• I didn't expected to have so little money to survive
• I didn't expected my boss to tell me that he would have to reduce my salary when I asked him to be declared (even though he found an alternative solution later but didn't took action on it as I quit my job because I was getting bullied)
• I didn't expected to have so little freedom of speech
• I didn't expected to work with adults that were so unstable, so jealous, and so afraid of everything
• I didn't expected to have my need for visibility and emotional needs so little fulfilled by other adults when I was between 20 - 22
• I didn't expected to be shamed to try to make things better
• I didn't expected to almost kill myself through overwork
• I didn't expected to have panic attacks
• I didn't expected as a mixed race person to find myself at the intersection of cultures and not be able to explain what I was able to see to others
• I didn't expected to get the most racism that I got in my entire life from the people of my own country and with similar origins
• I didn't expected my self-esteem to be so low that I let myself to be exploited by people from all over the world
• I didn't expected to witness the explosions of rage of my grandma and didn't know how to handle her as I was traumatized
• I didn't expected to have to wake up every ~2 hours for a few days to take my grandma to the bathroom because she couldn't walk after falling down in the stairs
• I didn't expected my grandpa to die even though that was predictable
• I didn't expected my grandma to die this month even though that was predictable

I think I will be able to sort out the most important emotional blockages in the next 6 months. Everything will start to get together in 2022.

Edited December 31, 2021 by Raphael

[Raphael]

I didn't expected to be so dumb and make some of the mistakes that I made, but that's life we all made mistakes from time to time.

[Raphael]

I didn't expected to start entering Yellow when I was only 20 - 21.

[Raphael]

I didn't expected to start entering Turquoise now at 24 (25 in a few months) even though I'm conscious that some base issues have to be sort out.

[Raphael]

I didn't expected to grow so much from all this chaos.

[Raphael]

I didn't expected this ego to be still there but I'm currently sorting that out.

[Raphael]

Alright, things are feeling better... much better...

Edited January 2, 2022 by Raphael

[Raphael]

On 12/31/2021 at 8:57 PM, Raphael said:

I didn't expected to start entering Turquoise now at 24 (25 in a few months) even though I'm conscious that some base issues have to be sort out.

Enough with Turquoise, Yellow, Green, Orange, or whatever else.

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I feel like I'm developing some paranormal abilities...

Enough with this too.

[Raphael]

Let's get back to earth.

[Raphael]

New Journal Format

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Concepts make sense while they don't and we use them while we don't.

Raphael

Edited January 4, 2022 by Raphael

[Raphael]

I will add a few thoughts on this later. There's a lot of bullshit and lack of social responsibility on this forum.

[Raphael]

A part of Leo is at stage Orange hiding behind spirituality which is why some of us have been attracted to him.

Edited January 6, 2022 by Raphael

[Raphael]

10/01/2022

The last six months have been pure chaos coupled with changes and growth for me. I currently have difficulties making decisions regarding what I want to write on this forum, my inner compass is all over the place here. Sometimes I want to write things, then procrastinate, then change my mind, then go back to it. I guess that the confusion is part of this phase which is reflected in this journal: a pure mess of emotions and thoughts.

I currently don't try to think too much about what I'm writing, I'm just throwing things out even if don't make any logical sense and even if they are making writing mistakes.

I spent at least 1-hour crying, screaming, and spitting on the ground. It felt great. Ludovico Einaudi is great for moments like this:

 

[Raphael]

10/01/2022 / #2

Yes, I am using this forum to get visibility. This is about Kid Raphael, Kid Raphael wants visibility. What's wrong with that?

What is wrong if this kid wants the visibility that he didn't get?

What is wrong if this kid wants the emotional support that he didn't get?

What is wrong if this kid wants to express himself?

What is wrong if this kid who wanted to show himself show himself?

What is wrong if this kid who got beaten by his dad just for dropping some shaving cream on the ground wants visibility?

What is wrong if this kid who got shut up just for saying that something wasn't his fault wants visibility?

What is wrong if this kid who wants recognition wants visibility?

What is wrong if this kid who felt like an impostor because his teacher was qualifying him as smart and serious where when he was getting back home he would spend his time playing video games to cope with past bullying wants visibility?

What is wrong if this kid who has been treated as an inferior human being and qualified weak, dumb, and lazy many times including by his dad wants to show himself?

What is wrong if this kid who has been qualified as a bit inferior by a teacher when he was 14 wants to show himself?

What is wrong if this kid who has often been a target of bullies as soon as 4 years old wants to show himself?

What is wrong if this kid who has been pressured to get good grades at school but was ashamed because he wasn't part of the best kids wants to show himself?

What is wrong if this kid who got tired of being mediocre got serious about school and self-education around 15-16 wants to show himself?

What is wrong if this kid who got shamed for not having a girlfriend as soon as 6 - 8 years old wants to show himself?

What is wrong if this kid who was mature, responsible, and wise felt that something was wrong with him for taking his life seriously for taking his health, work, and other things seriously while other kids of his age didn't who felt weird and confused wants to show himself?

What is wrong if this kid after being a good kid most of his life tried to be an asshole to see what it's like wants to show himself?

What is wrong if this 20 years old kid who has been bullied by 22, 23, and 25 years old kis for taking his work (too) seriously wants to show himself?

What is wrong if this 20 years old kid who has been bullied and threatened by his ~30 years old boss for not going fast enough wants to show himself?

What is wrong if this 21 years old egoistical kid who has been shut up in work environments for being competitive and doing the best that he could wants to show himself?

What is wrong if this 21 years old kid who got some jealousy and got hated by 35, 40, and 50 adult kids for being extremely competent for wanted to improve everything wants to show himself?

What is wrong if this kid who has always been wiser than other kids of his age and even adults wants to show himself?

What is wrong if this kid who got racism from white people wants to show himself?

What is wrong if this kid who got racism from indian people wants to show himself?

What is wrong if this kid who have a split identity due to a complex social background wants to show himself?

What is wrong if this kid who wants to unite back white Raphael and indian Raphael wants to show himself?

What is wrong if this kid who thought that the only way that he could get a girlfriend would be by being highly competent and making money wants to show himself?

What is wrong if this kid who traumatized himself through over-work because he wasn't traumatized enough to search for healing and because he didn't know that he was traumatized wants to show himself?

What is wrong if this kid who is healing himself wants to show himself?

Nothing.

Edited January 10, 2022 by Raphael

[Raphael]

10/01/2022 / #3

Adult Raphael: Ok kid, you can express yourself. Express yourself fully.

Kid Raphael:

I WANT TO BE SEEEEN!!!!!

I WANT THE VISIBILITY THAT I DIDN'T GOT

I WANT THE RECOGNITION THAT I DIDN'T GOT

I WANT TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY, I AM COMPETENT AND RESPONSIBLE, MUCH MORE THAN YOU CAN IMAGINE. STOP TREATING ME LIKE AN INCOMPETENT KID. I HAVE AN ENORMOUS POTENTIAL

I WANT SOME CARE

I WANT SOME SUPPORT

I WANT TO BE ALLOWED TO BE A KID

I WANT TO BE ALLOWED TO PLAY

I DON'T WANT TO BE SHAMED EVERY TIME THAT I PLAY

I DON'T WANT TO BE SHAMED EVERY TIME THAT I AM SERIOUS

I DON'T WANT SO MUCH HATE JUST FOR EXISTING. I DON'T WANT SO MUCH HATE JUST FOR BEING MYSELF. I DON'T WANT SO MUCH HATE FOR EXPRESSING MY CREATIVITY, MY GENIUS, FOR BEING QUIRKY, FOR MY INTELLECT, FOR MY THOUGHTFULNESS, FOR MY INSIGHTS, FOR MY HUMOUR, OR FOR ANYTHING ELSE

I WANT TO BE RESPECTED

I WANT TO BE LOVED

I WANT SOME CARE

I WANT SOME LOVE

I WANT SOME CARE

I WANT SOME LOVE

I WANT SOME CARE

I WANT TO EXIST

I WANT TO EXISTS IN THE EYES OF PEOPLE

I WANT TO EXISTS

Please... let me exist as I am

Adult Raphael: You have the right to exist kid. You exist. You exist in my eyes, you exist in my heart, you exist in my soul. I love you, I love you so much kid, I love you.

If you are reading this, you can give some love to Kid Raphael too.

[Raphael]

11/01/2022

This journal is so weird, so chaotic, and so unexpected.

It feels like I've been navigating from past versions of myself to my current self to where I will maybe be in 5 years. I hope that I'm not scaring the shit out of you lol

This night was pretty agitated too but I feel like I'm currently stabilizing.

[Raphael]

 

[Raphael]

@Forestluv is such an inspiration.

[Raphael]

I will use this forum mostly to get help understanding emotional and psychological issues this year.

[Raphael]

God, it feels great to be alive! This Kundalini awakening is incredible, full of ups and downs

It feels like navigating between all parts of me and uniting all of them together.